Disclaimer: I don't own...prob. Even this idea
Note: I was bored, and needed to vent...somewhere. This is my baby full of grammar mistakes and incomplete sentences.
Summary: Not everything is what it seems.
There is a fine line between dreams and reality, almost as thin as the one between love and hate. How do you know what is in front of you is actually tangible, something that you can reach out to touch, and love. Maybe its one of those instances where you believe in it enough it will come true. But that would also mean that everything is perfect in the world, and that everybody told the truth.
How do we get ourselves in these sort of situations? Why do we constantly put ourselves out there only to be hurt, and hurt in return.
I wish that you wouldn't be so obvious sometimes. Sometimes it feels as if the whole school knows, but we still play the game. Put on a fake smile, wrap your arm around my shoulder, carry my books while walking me to class, sharing chaste what seem to be loving kisses in the hallway. From the outside looking in I would envy myself. Its times like this when your pretending becomes so real that it makes me forget about what is really going on.
But nothing is what it ever seems, you would think that after growing up the way I did I would know that. After knowing you for so long, I would have noticed that something wasn't right. It feels like I should have known better, that I would have seen through all of the fights, and arguments. Looking back I see that I was blinded, by the one thing that I thought I had wanted all through my life. In a way it worked out for the both of us; I got to be the one on your arm, the name on every girls lips. You got to pretend to be normal, to act like what was going on didn't exist and the sad thing is is that is the way both of you want it to be.
In a way I am glad that you stopped hiding it from me. In a weird way it makes me feel like you actually cared about me. Its not like you could deny what was going on that night. The bad part was that I wish it were me, hoped and dreamed that it would be. I saw the way you looked at him; you had passion in your eyes, it made it seem like you are human again. That was the way you always were when you are around him, or even spoke of him. I wish that I could say it was a fair trade your happiness, or our relationship.
At first I pretending that I never noticed a thing; the late night study sessions, the letters, the multitude of detentions. Can't say that I didn't see it coming, opposites attract right? Or maybe you weren't that different from what you thought. I would like to say that I made up those excuses for you to keep my friends at bay, but really they were for me. I was trying to convince myself that it wasn't happening.
That night replays in my head every time I see you look at him with those longing eyes. I had just finished my cigarette outside of the pitch and was about to call it a night. Maybe go back to the dorm and finish up some homework and talk to some of the girls. As I walked in between the bleachers I saw to moving shadows caressing each other. They looked rushed, like they couldn't get enough of each other. Every single part of the body was worshiped like it was a shrine, and the apocalypse was coming. I heard the murmurs of words that sounded like "I love you'" silenced by harsh kisses.
I wished it was you and I. I prayed that someday that would be us, that finally one day you would see my love for you and how great it was and love me back. Not the sisterly or friendly love, but the kind that you have for the person that you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I don't know how long I watched the two of you go at it, but I know I didn't take a single breath. Suddenly I had to find you, to explain to you how I felt, and wanted to be that couple, and I wouldn't take no for an answer. I know that to anything else you would say "Whatever you want" while smiling and stroking my cheek, but this time I wanted you to actually care about what happened in your life. Then I heard "Wait Harry, someones here." I saw you turn around, and my perfect dream life cracked into a million pieces that couldn't be put together again. I ran, I don't know how long I went, or exactly where I ended up. When I couldn't go anymore I fell to my knees and just cried. Who was I now that I wasn't the one for you, how would I define myself. Now I saw that it was beyond working out, or patching things up. This was it.
Eventually you caught up to me, I knew you would, you wouldn't be the noble hero you were if you didn't. Standing behind me you said softly "It's not what it looks like"
"Really" I replied sarcastically still choking on tears. Its one thing to have your boyfriend not communicate, or show real emotion towards you , but when you think it is because he is afraid you excuse it and think you yourself "He'll come around sometime." But when you find out he is capable of those things just not with you, it breaks you.
"Let me expla.." He said getting down beside me.
"Don't" I cut him off "I understand." and I really did, and I don't know why. For the first time in my life I really understood something, that the universe was bigger than myself, and that other people functioned in it, living their own lives. He needed someone who saw him underneath all of the fame, and hype. He needed someone who could love and hate him. I started crying even harder. All he did was grab my hand and squeeze it. For some reason this made everything alright, the world was at peace again.
This is what started the mutual agreement. I would pretend to be what you wanted me to be, and he was continue to be what you needed. I would pretend to put your life back together and he was the one who would actually do it. He would put hickeys on your neck, and you would sneak him into your room. I was the one who put words to the pictures and covered up all the work, and lied about what we did. We all have roles, and my satisfaction is that I know for once I made you happy.
I don't know how long this will go on, if you two will tell people after getting fed up with all of the sneaking around. But when I see you two look at each other it makes me think there is hope after all. I'd tell you to forget me, but I could never forget you. So I continue to be the one on your arm, and the one who cries to sleep at night.