Title: Silent Lucidity
Author: Kath7
Summary: A spoiler fic, written before we knew all those spoilers were false. It was originally two fics: "Following My Heart" and "Silent Lucidity" but really flows better as one. It is told from Liz and Max's points of view, alternating.
Disclaimer: I own nothing here, although apparently I wasn't boring anything from Katims and co. either since very little of this turned out to be true. Hopefully some of it still will. Lyrics by Queensryche.
Silent Lucidity
Hush now, don't you cry Wipe away the teardrop from your eye You're lying safe in bed It was all a bad dream Spinning in your head. Your mind tricked you to feel the pain Of someone close to you Leaving the game of life So here it is, another chance Wide awake you face the day Your dream is over, or has it just begun?
There's a place to hide A doorway that I run through in the night Relax child, you were there But only didn't realize that you were scared It's a place where you will learn To face your fears, retrace the years And ride the whims of your mind Commanding in another world Suddenly, you hear and see This magic new dimension I will be watching over you I am gonna help you see it through I will protect you in the night I am smiling next to you in silent lucidity.
If you open your mind to me You won't rely on open eyes to see The walls you build within Come tumbling down And a new world will begin Living twice at once you learn You're safe from pain in the dream domain A soul set free to fly A round trip journey in your head Master of illusion, can you realize Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but
I will be watching over you I am gonna help you see it through I will protect you in the night I am smiling next to you.
Queensryche
Part 1 - Liz POV
For the first time since Alex died, I am beginning to feel something again.
I know that I said that I was breathing again after the prom, after finally seeing all of my worst nightmares come to life right in front of my face.
Max kissing Tess.
Kissing her the way he kissed ME, his hand on her cheek, completely lost in the moment.
I pretended at first that I didn't care, but that was of course a lie. Max didn't even know what to say when I confronted him about it. But then he never knows what to say to me anymore. We have lost the ability to know what the other is thinking. Our hearts are closed off from each other.
The connection is gone.
I miss it like I miss breathing.
I don't hate him. I want to. It would be easier.
I know that he hates me. But at least he's not ambivalent. I couldn't stand that. I need him to feel something for me, even if its bad.
I stopped breathing again the day Alex died.
I forced myself to turn it all off when I lost my best friend.
I know that it was my fault. If Max hadn't saved my life so long ago, Alex would still be alive.
Sure, I would be gone, but at least everyone else would be safe - Max included. He risked his life that day, risked everyone's life to save mine.
It wasn't fair, it was probably wrong, but he was only following his heart.
I have realized something.
I haven't followed my heart in a long time. Not since Future Max appeared on my balcony as a matter of fact.
I knew that it was wrong to listen to him. I should have done what I knew in my heart was right. I should have told Max the truth. We could have worked together to keep Tess around. We are not mean people. I don't believe that Max deliberately shut her out in that other life that I never will get a chance to experience.
We could have fixed it together. But I listened to my head. I broke my promise to my grandmother.
She told me once that it would be difficult to follow my heart - that sometimes it takes us to places we shouldn't go. But NOT following it has led to an even worse place.
My best friend is gone.
I know now for sure that it was because of Max and Michael and Isabel and Tess.
And me.
Of course, none of us were directly responsible for what happened.
And I still can't figure out why it happened. There has to be some important clue that I'm missing.
All I know is, no matter how bad it has gotten between us, I have to tell Max. He probably won't listen to me, but he has to know.
If he doesn't know, something even worse might happen.
********************************
Maria and I were shocked to say the least when Michael actually showed up at the University to help us find out what had happened to Alex. It took long enough to convince Maria that I was right - that Alex's death was MORE than an accident.
I never believed that one of the Czechs would actually start to believe.
But then Michael often surprises me. He always does the complete opposite of what one might expect from him.
He was pissed when he first showed up, tried to get us to leave. I know he was mostly concerned that Maria was going to be disappointed. I even think Max might have sent him, sent him to shut me down.
But when I found the Destiny Book's translation in Leanna's room, he started to change his tune.
"What the hell is this?" Michael demanded, sounding annoyed at me, as though I had all the answers.
"I don't know." I was staring at the notebook in my hands in shock. It wasn't in English. The translation matched the binary code that Alex had had on his arms when he had been killed.
He HAD been trying to tell me something.
I felt a pang of grief so intense I almost collapsed. Michael must have noticed because he grabbed me by the upper arms and made me sit down on the bed.
"Liz, we have to figure out what the hell this means." Michael told me, sounding upset. "We have to tell Max."
I laughed bitterly. "I don't think he'll believe it Michael. He doesn't believe anything I say anymore."
A sour look crossed Michael's face. "He's an idiot. We're ALL idiots. I'll make him listen." He took the book out of my hands. Maria was standing across the room, a sad expression on her face. I think we both recognized that Michael was more upset than he was letting on that it HAD been something alien that had been responsible for Alex's death.
"Liz, we need to go home. Back to Roswell." Michael told me. "But I think there's something you need to know first.about Max.and Tess."
I blinked at him. "I know they're together Michael. It'll be okay. It's what I wanted."
"Liz, its more than that." Michael was cut off suddenly as we all heard a noise outside in the hallway of the dorm room. We all stared at each other wide-eyed.
"Let's get out of here you guys." Maria was jumping up and down, her nerves clearly about to get the better of her.
We left the way we had come in - through the window - and were back in the Jetta a few minutes later.
We were on the road to Roswell - on the road back home.
Michael never did get a chance to tell me what it was he wanted to - about Max and Tess.
But I found out soon enough.
************************************
The three of us were actually excited when we burst into the Crashdown a few hours later.
Michael had called the others on my cell on the drive back to town. Max had apparently been annoyed but had agreed to meet us at there. I called my dad, asked him to let them all in, to let them hang around until we got there.
After that we just talked - really talked - about Alex, about everything that had happened.
I even told Michael about Future Max.
I have never seen anyone pale like Michael did after that. It was a good thing Maria was driving, because if it had been Michael we would have for sure swerved off the highway.
I thought at first he was upset because he heard how he and Isabel had died.
But that wasn't it. All he said was, "Liz, I don't even think 'thank you' covers it."
"Forget it. There was no choice." I made it sound like it hadn't been a big deal - that I hadn't had to rip my own heart out, as well as Max's, to do what Future Max had asked of me.
I swallowed hard, decided that changing the subject was the only way to eradicate the emptiness that was trying to take over. "You wanted to tell me something before Michael." I said. "About Max and Tess." I was beginning to feel light-hearted, free.To get the Future Max stuff out into the open - it was like lifting a giant weight off of my shoulders.
Of course Max was the one I really wanted to tell but I knew that Michael would tell him. He would know.
He might stop hating me. Then I could leave in peace.
Because that's what I planned to do. There was nothing left for me in Roswell. I was going back to Florida to finish off high school there.
Alex was gone, Max was as good as gone.There was just no point anymore.
Michael had swallowed hard. "Liz." He looked like he wanted to throw up.
It couldn't be that bad - could it? I mean, what was worse than Max and Tess actually being together? I already knew about that.
"Pee break!" Maria announced, interrupting yet again. Michael, sitting beside her in the front seat, ran his hands through his hair in frustration.
We never did find another chance. We ended up joking and laughing for the rest of the drive, Maria forcing it, telling us that we were going to be back in angst-land-central soon enough.
She was right.
Whatever it was, it could wait.
And so I was not completely unprepared to hear what I heard coming out of Max Evans's mouth when we burst into my parent's restaurant.
At least I wasn't completely unprepared.
".no choice Isabel! If we don't go, our baby will die!"
I stopped so abruptly, Maria rammed right into my back.
The scene in front of me was like a tableau of horror.
Max was on the floor, holding a hand to his bleeding mouth, clearly on the verge of healing himself.
And it was equally clear how he had ended up on the floor. Kyle was standing over him, massaging the knuckle he must have just bruised trying to punch Max's lights out.
Isabel was seated at the counter, her dark eyes wide and darting around in terror. Tess was beside her, a comforting hand on her shoulder.
But it was where her other hand rested that truly claimed my attention. It lay gently on her abdomen - and it was glowing.
"What's going on you guys?" I managed to croak, still staring at Tess's hand in horror.
Kyle's head snapped around. He looked so contrite suddenly I knew something about which I was not going to be happy had happened here. "I told him the truth Liz." Kyle told me without preamble. "I'm sorry but he pissed me off. He doesn't have the right to say the things he says about you."
I blinked again. "What do you mean?" I asked numbly. I could feel Michael's arm coming around my shoulders. Maria was standing rigidly beside me, her hands clutched in front of her.
I couldn't look at Max. He was climbing to his feet. I know he was staring at me, but I didn't want to see the hatred on his face that I had seen for weeks. I just couldn't bear it.
Not anymore.
"You and Kyle didn't sleep together." Tess supplied, apparently trying to be helpful. But there was something in her voice.Something a little frightened. I looked at her blankly. I heard Maria gasp behind me.
"Why?" I asked Kyle, my voice barely audible.
"Because he betrayed you Liz." Kyle told me, moving over in front of me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "I couldn't take it anymore, listening to him. He's been driving you to do crazy things for months - starting with stalking you to the point that you thought you had to go to those extremes."
Isabel had climbed to her feet, pushed Kyle aside gently. "Liz, we're leaving. You're not going to have to put up with any of this anymore. I am so sorry."
"Why?" Maria's voice sounded hysterical. She clutched at Michael suddenly. He looked equally dumbfounded as if this was all news to him too.
"Tess is going to have a baby." Max's voice was even, completely emotionless. "It can't live in the Earth's atmosphere. We have to take her back."
The only thing I noticed was that he didn't say they had to take her "home." Despite all of the memories Max had regained, Roswell was still his home.
And then the first part of his statement, the part that confirmed what I already knew, managed to penetrate my brain.
She was going to have a baby. There was only one person's baby it could be.
She was having MY child.
The pain that I felt was so intense, I didn't know if I would be able to shut it out. But I had a lot of practice. I had to be strong. I couldn't let them see how much this was killing me.
I did not look anywhere in Max's vicinity. I couldn't.
"How?" Michael demanded. "What makes you so sure that we can get back there?" He sounded furious. It was clear he didn't want to go at all. What an irony THAT was. Michael DIDN'T want to go back.
And suddenly I knew.
I knew exactly what it was the destiny book was supposed to tell us.
I reached over and took the notebook from Michael's hand. "Through the granolith." I said quietly. "He told me that it wasn't supposed to be a time machine, that it was modified. I think it must be a way for you to get home." I held up the notebook. "And this will tell you how to make it work."
It was over. All of it.
I was going to give them this last gift - give HIM this last gift.
A way home.
I kept my head down as I moved towards Max. I was standing in front of him, staring at his hands.
They were the same hands that had healed me so long ago, the same hands that had touched me so gently, had made me first want to follow my heart.
Beloved hands.
They were hers now. He had touched her in ways he had never touched me, in ways I was unsure anyone would ever touch me, because I couldn't imagine wanting anyone else - ever.
"Liz." I think his voice might have cracked. I could hear Isabel sobbing quietly behind me.
I refused to look up.
"Here." I thrust the book towards him. "Alex would want you to have this." He reached out, grabbed it. His fingers trailed over mine for a split second.
The flashes began almost immediately.
I managed to shut them off quickly but not quickly enough.
It was you.it was you.it was you.it was you.
It repeated over and over in my mind, like a haunting refrain.
"I have to go." I whirled, still had not looked up at him. The fresh spring air was cool on my face as I pushed my way out of the restaurant's doors. I had no idea where I was going, but I just started to run.
I had to get away. I had to.
But I couldn't escape his voice.
It was you.it was you.it was you.
"LIZ!"
Somehow I had known that he would come after me. Why had I even bothered to try to leave?
I stopped, my sobs caught in my throat. My eyes were surprisingly dry. I realized that I was totally devoid of any feeling at all.
My heart was dead.
I turned slowly, forced myself to look up and meet his eyes.
He looked petrified with fear. I had not seen so much emotion in those eyes I loved so much in months. It was like he had suddenly come out of a trance of some sort.
But that was crazy. We had just been living in a hell of our own making.
"Liz, I just need to know why. Why did you do that?" He sounded like a lost little boy. I felt my heart start to beat again. All I wanted to do was to pull him into my arms, to comfort him.
"It's a long story Max." I told him sadly. "Just know that I didn't want to do it. It was what had to be though."
He stared at me for a long time, when suddenly anger flushed his cheeks. "Liz, that's not good enough. We're in this mess because we haven't been honest with each other." He reached out, touched my cheek - touched me the way he had touched HER. I had seen it with my own two eyes.
I flinched away. His eyes saddened, but he brought his hand down.
"I'll tell you Max, but only if you promise me that you'll still go. Tess." I choked on her name. "She's going to need you." His gaze darkened, but finally he nodded.
None of this was her fault after all. I could hate her as much as I wanted. SHE was his destiny. I had known it for a long time. I was the one who had even pushed Max to accept it.
But it didn't mean that I didn't hate her. And yet she needed him now more than I did.
"I promise." I knew that he would not break a promise to me. It was done then. I would tell him, would get this whole mess out on the table.
At least the slate would be rubbed clean between us. He wouldn't hate me anymore.
"I think we better sit down." I told him. He nodded, motioned to the Jeep which was parked nearby.
And so I told him. It took suprisingly little time, considering how it had changed everything.
I watched his face the entire time. It remained completely emotionless.
I finished off by saying, "I'm sorry Max. I made a mistake."
He frowned slightly. "I don't think that Liz. You were so brave. You did what you thought you had to do and I thank you for it."
I smiled sadly. "I should have trusted you Max. My heart told me to tell you the truth a long time ago, but I didn't listen to it. And now we're here. Alex is gone, you're all gone. But at least you're all together. That's what he wanted."
"Did you know that Isabel almost left town?" Max asked me abruptly. I felt my eyes widen. I shook my head. "She is so devastated by Alex's death Liz. She wanted to leave." So Future Max's plan HAD failed. Instead of Tess, it would have been Isabel. "I wouldn't let her." Max continued. "She doesn't want to come with us either but I'm making her."
"You don't have any choice Max." It was true. Since the moment he had found out who he really was, his life had stopped being a series of choices. His life was not mine, it wasn't Tess's, it wasn't even his own. It wasn't fair but we had to accept it and I think that it was in that moment that we both finally did.
I finally accepted just what Max was. He was an alien king - one who had a responsibility to his people.
I wondered if we had accepted this before, whether we could have avoided this whole debacle.
I had always wanted our relationship to be normal - wanted the trappings of his difference, the flashes, the fireworks, but I hadn't wanted the hardships that went along with being with him - the sacrifice, the selflessness.
I had not wanted to share him. It was why I had to lose him.
I wondered if I went back, would I do anything different? Would I encourage him to accept his heritage, help him to claim it? Could we have been together then?
But it was too late for regrets. Our future had been written the minute Future Max had disappeared.
"Are you okay?" I asked him now. His hands were on the steering wheel of the Jeep, clenched so tightly the knuckles were white.
"No." His voice was barely audible. "I'm so angry Liz. I'm so mad at him - at me - at whoever the hell that was. How could he have asked that of you?"
"He had no choice." I repeated. "Just like you don't now. I didn't blame him and I don't blame you. We just aren't meant to be Max."
He turned his head, looked at me fiercely. "I don't believe that Liz. I REFUSE to believe it. I know how I felt about you the first moment I saw you. You are my soul mate. I just think we missed the path we needed to take so that we could be together." He reached out, tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "It doesn't mean that I don't love you, that we weren't meant to be together."
I felt tears beginning to fill my eyes. I believed him, had not believed the words as they were coming from my mouth.
"I knew I was going to hurt you." His tone was self-berating. "I am so sorry Liz, so sorry that I let you get hurt."
I placed my fingers gently against his mouth. "Please don't say that. I would do it all over again, if it meant even having one of the minutes we shared together. You saved me Max, saved me from a life of not knowing what this feels like."
He kissed my fingertips lightly, brought his hand up to cup my cheek.
The next thing I knew, his lips were on mine, back where they belonged.
The flashes were intense: driving on the old highway together, our first kiss, our first date, the night he got drunk and called me his dreamgirl, the night we spent out in the desert, the night he told me he loved me, that wonderful Christmas Eve when he told me he believed in me, the dance in Las Vegas.
The painful moments were there too: him taking a step back after Michael was sick, witnessing that first kiss with Tess in the rain, finding out that Tess was meant for him, walking away from him at the pod chamber, seeing his face the night of the Gomez concert when he found me in bed with Kyle, the day he told me he didn't trust me anymore, the prom when I saw him kiss Tess, even moments before, hearing that SHE was having the child that was meant to be mine.
I pulled back gently. There were tears in his eyes too by this point. We were both a mess. He continued to gaze at me, clearly unwilling to let the moment end. Reaching into the pocket of his leather jacket he pulled out something on a long cord.
My eyes widened when I realized what it was: it was the pendant Isabel had found at Atherton's almost two years before, the pendant that had been their first real clue about who they were. It was whole now - clearly someone had put the two pieces back together.likely Max.
I wondered who was going to put my heart back together after he was gone.
"Liz, I want you to have this." Max pressed it into my hands. It almost seemed to burn them. "It's yours. Without you, we wouldn't know anything about ourselves. Thank you for that."
I laughed mirthlessly. "I guess at this point we're both wondering if its a good thing or not."
"I will never regret any of it." Max replied seriously.
I felt myself about to completely break down. I looked away quickly. "At least.do you love her Max?" I whispered. I was surprised that I wanted him to say yes. I didn't want him to be miserable, even though I now knew that Michael and Isabel were not the only ones who didn't want to return to their planet.
I didn't want him to be miserable. I loved him. I was not selfish that way - not anymore.
"Not like I love you." He told me, his voice breaking. It was the perfect thing to say - just like always he knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel better, knew what to say to make me love him ten times more.
I managed to bring my eyes back to his face once more. "Good bye Max. Thank you for everything."
"Thank YOU." His eyes were glittering with unshed tears.
I practically fled the Jeep. I knew that if I didn't leave right then, I wasn't going to be able to.
I had managed to follow my heart in the end.
I was miserable but at least Max knew how much I loved him, how much I had always loved him.
The hatred was gone.
My heart, my soul were whole again.
And deep down, somewhere within me, I knew.
This wasn't over. Not by a long shot.
I would see him again.
Author: Kath7
Summary: A spoiler fic, written before we knew all those spoilers were false. It was originally two fics: "Following My Heart" and "Silent Lucidity" but really flows better as one. It is told from Liz and Max's points of view, alternating.
Disclaimer: I own nothing here, although apparently I wasn't boring anything from Katims and co. either since very little of this turned out to be true. Hopefully some of it still will. Lyrics by Queensryche.
Silent Lucidity
Hush now, don't you cry Wipe away the teardrop from your eye You're lying safe in bed It was all a bad dream Spinning in your head. Your mind tricked you to feel the pain Of someone close to you Leaving the game of life So here it is, another chance Wide awake you face the day Your dream is over, or has it just begun?
There's a place to hide A doorway that I run through in the night Relax child, you were there But only didn't realize that you were scared It's a place where you will learn To face your fears, retrace the years And ride the whims of your mind Commanding in another world Suddenly, you hear and see This magic new dimension I will be watching over you I am gonna help you see it through I will protect you in the night I am smiling next to you in silent lucidity.
If you open your mind to me You won't rely on open eyes to see The walls you build within Come tumbling down And a new world will begin Living twice at once you learn You're safe from pain in the dream domain A soul set free to fly A round trip journey in your head Master of illusion, can you realize Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but
I will be watching over you I am gonna help you see it through I will protect you in the night I am smiling next to you.
Queensryche
Part 1 - Liz POV
For the first time since Alex died, I am beginning to feel something again.
I know that I said that I was breathing again after the prom, after finally seeing all of my worst nightmares come to life right in front of my face.
Max kissing Tess.
Kissing her the way he kissed ME, his hand on her cheek, completely lost in the moment.
I pretended at first that I didn't care, but that was of course a lie. Max didn't even know what to say when I confronted him about it. But then he never knows what to say to me anymore. We have lost the ability to know what the other is thinking. Our hearts are closed off from each other.
The connection is gone.
I miss it like I miss breathing.
I don't hate him. I want to. It would be easier.
I know that he hates me. But at least he's not ambivalent. I couldn't stand that. I need him to feel something for me, even if its bad.
I stopped breathing again the day Alex died.
I forced myself to turn it all off when I lost my best friend.
I know that it was my fault. If Max hadn't saved my life so long ago, Alex would still be alive.
Sure, I would be gone, but at least everyone else would be safe - Max included. He risked his life that day, risked everyone's life to save mine.
It wasn't fair, it was probably wrong, but he was only following his heart.
I have realized something.
I haven't followed my heart in a long time. Not since Future Max appeared on my balcony as a matter of fact.
I knew that it was wrong to listen to him. I should have done what I knew in my heart was right. I should have told Max the truth. We could have worked together to keep Tess around. We are not mean people. I don't believe that Max deliberately shut her out in that other life that I never will get a chance to experience.
We could have fixed it together. But I listened to my head. I broke my promise to my grandmother.
She told me once that it would be difficult to follow my heart - that sometimes it takes us to places we shouldn't go. But NOT following it has led to an even worse place.
My best friend is gone.
I know now for sure that it was because of Max and Michael and Isabel and Tess.
And me.
Of course, none of us were directly responsible for what happened.
And I still can't figure out why it happened. There has to be some important clue that I'm missing.
All I know is, no matter how bad it has gotten between us, I have to tell Max. He probably won't listen to me, but he has to know.
If he doesn't know, something even worse might happen.
********************************
Maria and I were shocked to say the least when Michael actually showed up at the University to help us find out what had happened to Alex. It took long enough to convince Maria that I was right - that Alex's death was MORE than an accident.
I never believed that one of the Czechs would actually start to believe.
But then Michael often surprises me. He always does the complete opposite of what one might expect from him.
He was pissed when he first showed up, tried to get us to leave. I know he was mostly concerned that Maria was going to be disappointed. I even think Max might have sent him, sent him to shut me down.
But when I found the Destiny Book's translation in Leanna's room, he started to change his tune.
"What the hell is this?" Michael demanded, sounding annoyed at me, as though I had all the answers.
"I don't know." I was staring at the notebook in my hands in shock. It wasn't in English. The translation matched the binary code that Alex had had on his arms when he had been killed.
He HAD been trying to tell me something.
I felt a pang of grief so intense I almost collapsed. Michael must have noticed because he grabbed me by the upper arms and made me sit down on the bed.
"Liz, we have to figure out what the hell this means." Michael told me, sounding upset. "We have to tell Max."
I laughed bitterly. "I don't think he'll believe it Michael. He doesn't believe anything I say anymore."
A sour look crossed Michael's face. "He's an idiot. We're ALL idiots. I'll make him listen." He took the book out of my hands. Maria was standing across the room, a sad expression on her face. I think we both recognized that Michael was more upset than he was letting on that it HAD been something alien that had been responsible for Alex's death.
"Liz, we need to go home. Back to Roswell." Michael told me. "But I think there's something you need to know first.about Max.and Tess."
I blinked at him. "I know they're together Michael. It'll be okay. It's what I wanted."
"Liz, its more than that." Michael was cut off suddenly as we all heard a noise outside in the hallway of the dorm room. We all stared at each other wide-eyed.
"Let's get out of here you guys." Maria was jumping up and down, her nerves clearly about to get the better of her.
We left the way we had come in - through the window - and were back in the Jetta a few minutes later.
We were on the road to Roswell - on the road back home.
Michael never did get a chance to tell me what it was he wanted to - about Max and Tess.
But I found out soon enough.
************************************
The three of us were actually excited when we burst into the Crashdown a few hours later.
Michael had called the others on my cell on the drive back to town. Max had apparently been annoyed but had agreed to meet us at there. I called my dad, asked him to let them all in, to let them hang around until we got there.
After that we just talked - really talked - about Alex, about everything that had happened.
I even told Michael about Future Max.
I have never seen anyone pale like Michael did after that. It was a good thing Maria was driving, because if it had been Michael we would have for sure swerved off the highway.
I thought at first he was upset because he heard how he and Isabel had died.
But that wasn't it. All he said was, "Liz, I don't even think 'thank you' covers it."
"Forget it. There was no choice." I made it sound like it hadn't been a big deal - that I hadn't had to rip my own heart out, as well as Max's, to do what Future Max had asked of me.
I swallowed hard, decided that changing the subject was the only way to eradicate the emptiness that was trying to take over. "You wanted to tell me something before Michael." I said. "About Max and Tess." I was beginning to feel light-hearted, free.To get the Future Max stuff out into the open - it was like lifting a giant weight off of my shoulders.
Of course Max was the one I really wanted to tell but I knew that Michael would tell him. He would know.
He might stop hating me. Then I could leave in peace.
Because that's what I planned to do. There was nothing left for me in Roswell. I was going back to Florida to finish off high school there.
Alex was gone, Max was as good as gone.There was just no point anymore.
Michael had swallowed hard. "Liz." He looked like he wanted to throw up.
It couldn't be that bad - could it? I mean, what was worse than Max and Tess actually being together? I already knew about that.
"Pee break!" Maria announced, interrupting yet again. Michael, sitting beside her in the front seat, ran his hands through his hair in frustration.
We never did find another chance. We ended up joking and laughing for the rest of the drive, Maria forcing it, telling us that we were going to be back in angst-land-central soon enough.
She was right.
Whatever it was, it could wait.
And so I was not completely unprepared to hear what I heard coming out of Max Evans's mouth when we burst into my parent's restaurant.
At least I wasn't completely unprepared.
".no choice Isabel! If we don't go, our baby will die!"
I stopped so abruptly, Maria rammed right into my back.
The scene in front of me was like a tableau of horror.
Max was on the floor, holding a hand to his bleeding mouth, clearly on the verge of healing himself.
And it was equally clear how he had ended up on the floor. Kyle was standing over him, massaging the knuckle he must have just bruised trying to punch Max's lights out.
Isabel was seated at the counter, her dark eyes wide and darting around in terror. Tess was beside her, a comforting hand on her shoulder.
But it was where her other hand rested that truly claimed my attention. It lay gently on her abdomen - and it was glowing.
"What's going on you guys?" I managed to croak, still staring at Tess's hand in horror.
Kyle's head snapped around. He looked so contrite suddenly I knew something about which I was not going to be happy had happened here. "I told him the truth Liz." Kyle told me without preamble. "I'm sorry but he pissed me off. He doesn't have the right to say the things he says about you."
I blinked again. "What do you mean?" I asked numbly. I could feel Michael's arm coming around my shoulders. Maria was standing rigidly beside me, her hands clutched in front of her.
I couldn't look at Max. He was climbing to his feet. I know he was staring at me, but I didn't want to see the hatred on his face that I had seen for weeks. I just couldn't bear it.
Not anymore.
"You and Kyle didn't sleep together." Tess supplied, apparently trying to be helpful. But there was something in her voice.Something a little frightened. I looked at her blankly. I heard Maria gasp behind me.
"Why?" I asked Kyle, my voice barely audible.
"Because he betrayed you Liz." Kyle told me, moving over in front of me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "I couldn't take it anymore, listening to him. He's been driving you to do crazy things for months - starting with stalking you to the point that you thought you had to go to those extremes."
Isabel had climbed to her feet, pushed Kyle aside gently. "Liz, we're leaving. You're not going to have to put up with any of this anymore. I am so sorry."
"Why?" Maria's voice sounded hysterical. She clutched at Michael suddenly. He looked equally dumbfounded as if this was all news to him too.
"Tess is going to have a baby." Max's voice was even, completely emotionless. "It can't live in the Earth's atmosphere. We have to take her back."
The only thing I noticed was that he didn't say they had to take her "home." Despite all of the memories Max had regained, Roswell was still his home.
And then the first part of his statement, the part that confirmed what I already knew, managed to penetrate my brain.
She was going to have a baby. There was only one person's baby it could be.
She was having MY child.
The pain that I felt was so intense, I didn't know if I would be able to shut it out. But I had a lot of practice. I had to be strong. I couldn't let them see how much this was killing me.
I did not look anywhere in Max's vicinity. I couldn't.
"How?" Michael demanded. "What makes you so sure that we can get back there?" He sounded furious. It was clear he didn't want to go at all. What an irony THAT was. Michael DIDN'T want to go back.
And suddenly I knew.
I knew exactly what it was the destiny book was supposed to tell us.
I reached over and took the notebook from Michael's hand. "Through the granolith." I said quietly. "He told me that it wasn't supposed to be a time machine, that it was modified. I think it must be a way for you to get home." I held up the notebook. "And this will tell you how to make it work."
It was over. All of it.
I was going to give them this last gift - give HIM this last gift.
A way home.
I kept my head down as I moved towards Max. I was standing in front of him, staring at his hands.
They were the same hands that had healed me so long ago, the same hands that had touched me so gently, had made me first want to follow my heart.
Beloved hands.
They were hers now. He had touched her in ways he had never touched me, in ways I was unsure anyone would ever touch me, because I couldn't imagine wanting anyone else - ever.
"Liz." I think his voice might have cracked. I could hear Isabel sobbing quietly behind me.
I refused to look up.
"Here." I thrust the book towards him. "Alex would want you to have this." He reached out, grabbed it. His fingers trailed over mine for a split second.
The flashes began almost immediately.
I managed to shut them off quickly but not quickly enough.
It was you.it was you.it was you.it was you.
It repeated over and over in my mind, like a haunting refrain.
"I have to go." I whirled, still had not looked up at him. The fresh spring air was cool on my face as I pushed my way out of the restaurant's doors. I had no idea where I was going, but I just started to run.
I had to get away. I had to.
But I couldn't escape his voice.
It was you.it was you.it was you.
"LIZ!"
Somehow I had known that he would come after me. Why had I even bothered to try to leave?
I stopped, my sobs caught in my throat. My eyes were surprisingly dry. I realized that I was totally devoid of any feeling at all.
My heart was dead.
I turned slowly, forced myself to look up and meet his eyes.
He looked petrified with fear. I had not seen so much emotion in those eyes I loved so much in months. It was like he had suddenly come out of a trance of some sort.
But that was crazy. We had just been living in a hell of our own making.
"Liz, I just need to know why. Why did you do that?" He sounded like a lost little boy. I felt my heart start to beat again. All I wanted to do was to pull him into my arms, to comfort him.
"It's a long story Max." I told him sadly. "Just know that I didn't want to do it. It was what had to be though."
He stared at me for a long time, when suddenly anger flushed his cheeks. "Liz, that's not good enough. We're in this mess because we haven't been honest with each other." He reached out, touched my cheek - touched me the way he had touched HER. I had seen it with my own two eyes.
I flinched away. His eyes saddened, but he brought his hand down.
"I'll tell you Max, but only if you promise me that you'll still go. Tess." I choked on her name. "She's going to need you." His gaze darkened, but finally he nodded.
None of this was her fault after all. I could hate her as much as I wanted. SHE was his destiny. I had known it for a long time. I was the one who had even pushed Max to accept it.
But it didn't mean that I didn't hate her. And yet she needed him now more than I did.
"I promise." I knew that he would not break a promise to me. It was done then. I would tell him, would get this whole mess out on the table.
At least the slate would be rubbed clean between us. He wouldn't hate me anymore.
"I think we better sit down." I told him. He nodded, motioned to the Jeep which was parked nearby.
And so I told him. It took suprisingly little time, considering how it had changed everything.
I watched his face the entire time. It remained completely emotionless.
I finished off by saying, "I'm sorry Max. I made a mistake."
He frowned slightly. "I don't think that Liz. You were so brave. You did what you thought you had to do and I thank you for it."
I smiled sadly. "I should have trusted you Max. My heart told me to tell you the truth a long time ago, but I didn't listen to it. And now we're here. Alex is gone, you're all gone. But at least you're all together. That's what he wanted."
"Did you know that Isabel almost left town?" Max asked me abruptly. I felt my eyes widen. I shook my head. "She is so devastated by Alex's death Liz. She wanted to leave." So Future Max's plan HAD failed. Instead of Tess, it would have been Isabel. "I wouldn't let her." Max continued. "She doesn't want to come with us either but I'm making her."
"You don't have any choice Max." It was true. Since the moment he had found out who he really was, his life had stopped being a series of choices. His life was not mine, it wasn't Tess's, it wasn't even his own. It wasn't fair but we had to accept it and I think that it was in that moment that we both finally did.
I finally accepted just what Max was. He was an alien king - one who had a responsibility to his people.
I wondered if we had accepted this before, whether we could have avoided this whole debacle.
I had always wanted our relationship to be normal - wanted the trappings of his difference, the flashes, the fireworks, but I hadn't wanted the hardships that went along with being with him - the sacrifice, the selflessness.
I had not wanted to share him. It was why I had to lose him.
I wondered if I went back, would I do anything different? Would I encourage him to accept his heritage, help him to claim it? Could we have been together then?
But it was too late for regrets. Our future had been written the minute Future Max had disappeared.
"Are you okay?" I asked him now. His hands were on the steering wheel of the Jeep, clenched so tightly the knuckles were white.
"No." His voice was barely audible. "I'm so angry Liz. I'm so mad at him - at me - at whoever the hell that was. How could he have asked that of you?"
"He had no choice." I repeated. "Just like you don't now. I didn't blame him and I don't blame you. We just aren't meant to be Max."
He turned his head, looked at me fiercely. "I don't believe that Liz. I REFUSE to believe it. I know how I felt about you the first moment I saw you. You are my soul mate. I just think we missed the path we needed to take so that we could be together." He reached out, tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. "It doesn't mean that I don't love you, that we weren't meant to be together."
I felt tears beginning to fill my eyes. I believed him, had not believed the words as they were coming from my mouth.
"I knew I was going to hurt you." His tone was self-berating. "I am so sorry Liz, so sorry that I let you get hurt."
I placed my fingers gently against his mouth. "Please don't say that. I would do it all over again, if it meant even having one of the minutes we shared together. You saved me Max, saved me from a life of not knowing what this feels like."
He kissed my fingertips lightly, brought his hand up to cup my cheek.
The next thing I knew, his lips were on mine, back where they belonged.
The flashes were intense: driving on the old highway together, our first kiss, our first date, the night he got drunk and called me his dreamgirl, the night we spent out in the desert, the night he told me he loved me, that wonderful Christmas Eve when he told me he believed in me, the dance in Las Vegas.
The painful moments were there too: him taking a step back after Michael was sick, witnessing that first kiss with Tess in the rain, finding out that Tess was meant for him, walking away from him at the pod chamber, seeing his face the night of the Gomez concert when he found me in bed with Kyle, the day he told me he didn't trust me anymore, the prom when I saw him kiss Tess, even moments before, hearing that SHE was having the child that was meant to be mine.
I pulled back gently. There were tears in his eyes too by this point. We were both a mess. He continued to gaze at me, clearly unwilling to let the moment end. Reaching into the pocket of his leather jacket he pulled out something on a long cord.
My eyes widened when I realized what it was: it was the pendant Isabel had found at Atherton's almost two years before, the pendant that had been their first real clue about who they were. It was whole now - clearly someone had put the two pieces back together.likely Max.
I wondered who was going to put my heart back together after he was gone.
"Liz, I want you to have this." Max pressed it into my hands. It almost seemed to burn them. "It's yours. Without you, we wouldn't know anything about ourselves. Thank you for that."
I laughed mirthlessly. "I guess at this point we're both wondering if its a good thing or not."
"I will never regret any of it." Max replied seriously.
I felt myself about to completely break down. I looked away quickly. "At least.do you love her Max?" I whispered. I was surprised that I wanted him to say yes. I didn't want him to be miserable, even though I now knew that Michael and Isabel were not the only ones who didn't want to return to their planet.
I didn't want him to be miserable. I loved him. I was not selfish that way - not anymore.
"Not like I love you." He told me, his voice breaking. It was the perfect thing to say - just like always he knew exactly what to say to me to make me feel better, knew what to say to make me love him ten times more.
I managed to bring my eyes back to his face once more. "Good bye Max. Thank you for everything."
"Thank YOU." His eyes were glittering with unshed tears.
I practically fled the Jeep. I knew that if I didn't leave right then, I wasn't going to be able to.
I had managed to follow my heart in the end.
I was miserable but at least Max knew how much I loved him, how much I had always loved him.
The hatred was gone.
My heart, my soul were whole again.
And deep down, somewhere within me, I knew.
This wasn't over. Not by a long shot.
I would see him again.