Harry Potter and the Chamber of Stupidity

Disclaimer, etc.: Got bored. So sue me. Actually, don't sue me, because Harry Potter ain't mine. And ain't isn't a word. Harry and his friends and his teachers and Hermione's cat all belong to J.K. Rowling and etc.

Set in the third book. Well, it IS the third book, rather. Believe it or not, this whole story sprung from the idea that Lupin's actually a cat rather than a werewolf, as stated by David Thewlis, who, as we all know, plays him in the movies. Go David!

Hermione ran up the hall. "Hey Harry, did you hear the news?"

"No, what?"

"Sirius Black is on the loose and he's coming after you!"

"Oh, no!" Harry fainted.

"Oh, HARRY!" shouted Hermione, distraught. She knelt down and started giving Harry completely unnecessary mouth-to-mouth. Actually, it was more like snogging.

Ron ran up. "Hermione--" He waited for her to stop snogging the unconscious Harry. "Hermione, have you seen Scabbers?"

"No, he's probably run off to hide from my very intelligent cat."

"Your cat isn't intelligent, he's as stupid as a rock! He just wants to eat poor Scabbers!"

"Poor Scabbers! Hah! Crookshanks just knows that Scabbers is really Peter Pettigrew—oh, wait, I just gave away the plot twist! Damn my big mouth!"

"You always give away the ending, Hermione!"

"Well, at least I'm not stupid like you!"

"Well, I may be stupid, but at least my ego isn't the size of Wales!"

"Why, you..."

"You're a horrible screech owl!"

"Your hair is the color of a pumpkin!"

They looked fiercely into each other's eyes for a moment and then started to snog madly. Hermione threw her legs around Ron's waist.

Suddenly they were interrupted by a plaintive squeaking.

Ron looked down. His rat was hobbling toward him, dropping body parts at an alarming rate.

"Oh, no! SCABBERS!" cried Ron, trying to put his pet back together with Spellotape.

Hermione began to cackle evilly. "Ahahaha! At last the little rat is DEAD!!!!! Now Crookshanks and I can RULE THE WORLD!!!!" Her cat leapt into her arms.

Ron looked up, horrified. Harry was still unconscious. "Hermione... why...?"

"Didn't you know, Ron?" Hermione grinned smugly. "All the really evil villains have cats." She stroked her cat lovingly.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Ron clutched his wrist, which suddenly was a handless stump. He looked down at himself and realized he was wearing a Jedi outfit. "what the...?" He looked back up at Hermione, who was still Hermione. "What's going on?"

"Don't be afraid, Ron. This always happens."

"Oh." Ron looked confused. "Is Harry going to be all right?"

Hermione looked down at Harry. "I think he's dead." She got a thoughtful look on her face. "I don't' know how that's possible, I gave him mouth-to-mouth..."

"Is that what you call it?"

"Shut up, Ron."

Ron was suddenly wearing a bellbottomed jumpsuit and a fruit hat. "What NOW?"

Hermione cackled.

Harry got up. "What's happened? Did Black get me?"

"No." Sirius appeared from a dark corner where, presumably, he had been lurking the whole time. "But I'm about to." He advanced on Harry. Harry scrambled away, but hit the wall. Sirius raised his arm...

... and began to tickle Harry.

"No! Stop! Argh! Please!!" Harry was horribly ticklish.

"I'm not going to kill you, Harry, for I am GOOD!"

Harry looked up. "Oh, well, okay then. Care to go for ice cream?"

"Sure." Sirius and Harry linked arms and skipped off.

The full moon, which had been shining through the window, slipped behind the clouds. Crookshanks escaped from Evil Hermione's arms and transformed into Professor Lupin.

"P-Professor?" Hermione sputtered.

"Yes, it is I. and I should have you know, Ron, that your rat--" The moon came out from the clouds. Lupin turned back into a cat. "—Meow," he finished. The moon went back behind the clouds. Lupin transformed again. "Your rat," he began again, giving Ron a serious look, "is not a rat at all... or rather was," he corrected, looking at the dead rat in Ron's left hand, "... at any rate, he was Peter Pettigrew, who sold Harry's parents out to Voldemort, not Sirius Black as we'd thought."

Ron, however, was laughing so hard that none of this information sunk in. "You're," he gasped, "a WERECAT?" He sputtered. "Ahahahaha!!!!"

Hermione pouted. "Damn, now I can't be a supervillain. I don't have a cat." She began to cry.

Lupin looked at the floor and shuffled his feet.

Somewhere, Harry fainted again.

-end-

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