Yo. Larry here. Looking in the bathroom mirror, getting ready for a hot date night.

Got my cool shades on. You digging the shades?

Got myself a pair of sweet kicks on. They cost more than some of Wendy's heels yo.

Got my swag-tastic jacket on. Ladies really dig the jacket yo.

Just gotta comb my Mohawk just right, use the right kind of hair gel – DO NOT TOUCH ANYTHING of Dr. K's. Got a load of his brand of crap in the cabinet but trust me on this. He's a Kook. And I mean Kook with a capital 'K' yo.

I spritz some breath spray and now my Black Eyed BeanBeans ringtone goes off. Must be her.

"Hello sweetheart?" I turn around to make sure the door is closed. Not taking any chances. One time it was dark, and I thought it was my date who had walked by, so I called them in, and well after smooching a pair of glasses I turned on the light and found out it was IGGY! Freaked the hell out of me! I shudder and try to repress what happened that evening, because tonight is all about tonight, yo.

"Um, Larry…" says my date, Pom Pom. She's hot as hell yo.

"What is it baby?" I say it oh-so-slow and breezy like.

"I forgot that I was invited to a sleepover at Toadette's tonight. "

"A sleepover?" Dang, oh right, Wendy is off doing that tonight too. I should have known better than to ask her out on THIS Saturday night.

"Yeah, sorry…"

"Wait babe… you can cancel? Reschedule? You got next Friday free?"

"I don't know about next Friday, but I can't do it tonight. I already RSVP'd to the sleepover before I said yes to tonight, and I forgot that I was having a sleepover tonight when I agreed to go out with you this Saturday. Birdo, Goombella and your sister are all going to be there. I'm so, sooo sorry..."

I hang up. FUUUUUUCK! This is the third time this month that a chick has blown me off after we agreed to a date! I was hoping to have a happy ending tonight too, wink wink. It feels like it's been FOREVER since I've been laid, man. I'm so horny I could fuck a Pokey!

Not to mention all the hair gel I wasted. Man, you know how much that shit costs yo?

Well, fuck her, man. I'll just get back at her by having a sexy phone conversation with one of her little friends at the slumber party.

I make extra sure the door to this bathroom is locked shut. Hehehe. Usually I do this in the shower, but you can't take a phone in the shower now, can you?

Let's see, which one… out of Toadette, Goombella and Birdo… not Birdo. FUCK NO. Learned that the hard way. Chick's not a- -GAG- well, I'm just gonna leave that one to your imaginations.

Can't be Toadette either. She hates me. Screams and tattles on the teacher every time I so much as wink at her. If I dialed her up, she would scream and hang up as soon as she heard my voice.

So, short of phone-incesting my sister, that leaves Goombella. Meh. I never really thought of her as a sex object before. I mean, she's a… she's a freaking potato-shaped fungus or something, man, where would a dude even put it?

Actually, come to think of it, there's something strangely erotic about her freaky weird anatomy, the more I think about it.

Wooh, I think I'm getting turned on here. That settles it. I look on my contacts list to see if I got her number.

Fuck. I've got just about every chick in the school's phone number – even Birdo's! – but not Goombella's. Oh right, you know how when you give your number out to chicks, how some of them never call you back? Right, Goombella was one of those chicks. Birdo on the other hand was one of those chicks who gives YOU their number but that's another story. I guess I'm gonna have to call Wendy.

"Hello sis? Um, I've got to ask you a favor…"

"Make it quick. I'm gonna hit the mic and do a few rounds of karaoke in a sec."

Ouch. I hope everybody brought their earplugs. "I uh, I need to speak with Goombella, it's about our history assignment."

Wendy makes one of her sharp, sassy sighs, but she probably doesn't think I would be turned on by Goombella, of all girls. I hear her shouting in the background and then the sound of the phone being handed over to… eeehh, what do Goombas hold things with? Their feet? Tongues? The mystery makes my hard-on even harder.

"Hello?" Goombella's voice asks. I never realized how nice her voice sounds. Very girl-next-doorish, but we all know that the girl next door always turns out to be a sex goddess once you get her in the bed. Rawr.

"Good evening, Goombella…" I say, trying not to moan as I run my fingers over the length of my manhood. "I trust all is swell and dandy at your little girls night in?"

"Uh, yeah… what have you got planned for this evening?"

"Oh, I'm just sitting here, polishing wood…"

An awkward moment of silence. Come on Larry, think fast…

"… that's woodwind instruments. My brother Ludwig is paying me major coinage to polish his woodwind instruments. That's flutes, clarinets, oboes, fuck you wouldn't believe the quantity of spit I have just dumped out of this bassoon…" Slick, real slick. See, Larry is the King of Smooth.

True story by the way, yo. I used to clean Lud's instruments all the time, and then I stopped when I got old enough to demand more money. A Coin an hour to scrub all the tarnish out of the nooks and crannies of a silver-plated piccolo with a tiny little toothbrush and then to crawl inside a French horn with a pipe cleaner to catch all that rotten sludgy saliva just ain't gonna cut it anymore. Lemmy does that now, and he is glad to get paid in candy.

Aw shit. All this talk of nasty ass musical instruments is making me soften up. Better switch topics…

"At least I think that it's spit. But we all know what Lud really does behind closed doors with his precious instruments…" I laugh weakly, hearing nothing but Goombella's breathing. At least she's breathing. Do walking mushrooms have lungs? Would they be into breathplay or things like that?

"Um, what did you call me for again?" she asks in that skeptical, appealingly virginal voice of hers.

"Oh… it's about our… history assignment…" I am breathing kind of heavily. Just a few more titillating strokes and my cock will be hard as rock.

"What about it?"

Her voice makes me swoon. I stand up on the toilet seat and take a deep breath. "I… need… help on it…"

"What kind of help?"

My pelvis involuntarily thrusts in reaction to her every syllable. I reach over to the sink to grab some… well, hair gel might work in a pinch.

"Oh… with the… um… whole thing…"

"Are you all right? You don't sound too well… your breathing…"

I put the cell phone on my shoulder and hold it up to my ear that way while I slather some gel on my cock. Aaahh, that's better… Now, to cover my ass.

"I have… asthma. Yeah… and I just got back from the… gym, you know… trying to muscle up like my big bros," I pant in between every few words, rubbing the goop over my big D until it gets sticky and I got some tight friction going on… "but hoo boy… the… the gym does a number on a guy with… with asthma and… and a cold."

"A cold? You poor dear…"

She's showing sympathy. Sweet.

"I'm alright… Pops said it's good for… for a sickly man to get some… some exercise… it's just been making it hard to… to get my homework done… So could you… could you help out?"

Unf. This gel is giving little Larry this sweeeeet tingling sensation. I reach over for some more, and this time I look at the label to see what's in it.

Yikes! I've been grabbing Dr. K's Glow-in-the-Dark Hair Serum by accident! I was a guinea pig for that once man. Shit's radioactive. Made my hair fall out, and Dr. K himself took that as his opportunity to test his Hair-Raising Follicular Tonic on my scalp. But hey, maybe it works fine as an alternative to KY and should be rebranded as such, I know radioactive endocrinators were a pretty hot commodity back in the day.

"I'll be glad to help you out."

"Could you… could you say that again dear?" I hope that didn't come out too sweet and lusty on the other end.

"What?"

"Oh the background noise… could you… could you go somewhere quiet to talk?" I can vaguely hear Wendy shrieking the lyrics to her favorite pop song, "Material Girl", in the background. The noise gets softer as I can tell Goombella has gotten way from the noise.

"I said, I'll be glad to help you out. How about I drop by tomorrow at noon?"

Score! "It's a date! Hehe, I mean… I don't mean THAT kind of date, of …course."

I'm so frigging close to cumming now. If I could only get her to say ONE naughty thing, just… ooh, hehehehhh….

"Oh one more thing… I have a bit of… math homework… and I… lost my calculator… I just need to ask… what is the square root of… …four thousand seven hundred and sixty-one?"

Hehe, I got that one memorized yo.

"Um, let me see here… just one moment, I got my calculator in here somewhere…" Nerd. What kind of girl brings a calculator to a slumber party?

My mind goes some creepy, creepy places as I try to imagine how she uses a calculator without hands. Wait for it… I'm rubbing it harder and faster…

"It's sixty-nine."

I moan, and almost climax. Almost. I hope she didn't hear. "Could you say that… one more time?"

"Sixty-nine."

"Sixty… NINE!" I scream, my voice hoarse and gargled from the heat of passion, and I come like water out of a F.L.U.D.D. machine, purposely aiming it at Ludwig's bath towel. Hehe if anybody asks Iggy used it as a snot rag.

"Are you all right?" Goombella asks.

I lay back on the fuzzy toilet lid cozy, my softie shriveling up. "Thank you, doll. Just thank you so, sooo much. You have no idea how happy I am to finally have that… FINISHED."

"Glad I could be of assistance."

Man, how naïve could she be? I half-expected her to see through my bullshit any moment during our conversation. This is gonna be toooo easy. And Larry likes easy.

"Just relax and take it easy, don't work yourself too hard until you're better, ok?" she says.

"No sweat. They don't call me Leisure Suit Larry for nothing." Hehehe. "See you tomorrow."

The moment I hang up, my phone rings again. This time, it's… FUCK IT'S POM POM! I had better not sound like I had just been romancing a talking fungus over the phone! If her brother Boom Boom finds out I'm two-timing her, he's going to beat my tail into the ground!

"Hey baby. How's the party?"

"Good. Your sister is actually not that bad of a singer." She giggles. "Oh, and again I'm very sorry that I had to cancel tonight, but you know what, my brother is taking your sister out to the movies at noon tomorrow, and I was wondering if you would like to come and make it a double date?"

What do I do?! I can't blow her off or dump her either, Boom Boom will pulverize me either way for breaking his sister's heart! He won't even need to, I've seen Pom Pom in action, and she can kick ass as hard as her brother! I'll just have to go and… and reschedule with Goombella.

"All rightie, sweetie, take care my darling Goom Goom."

FUCK.

"WHAT did you just call me?!"

"Darling, isn't that your name? You're the girl version of Boom Boom, so 'B' for boy, 'G' for girl, that wasn't my pet name for Goombella if that's what you were thinking…"

Smooth move Larry. Keep digging yourself deeper and deeper… hehe. Deeper. Yo.