Parallels
Nabootique.
HOWARD and VINCE walk in through the front door, both carrying boxes of records and CDs.
VINCE is wearing a typically outlandish outfit (a spangly, skin tight catsuity-thing, with knee high boots in electric blue and matching boa and eyeliner)
HOWARD is, less usually, wearing a bright red shirt, smart black trousers and a striped fedora hat.
HOWARD:
You know, for once you were right. I think this is a pretty good look for me
VINCE:
See? I know what I'm talking about. I'm the Fashion King of Shoreditch!
HOWARD:
(putting down boxes and looking in the mirror)
Yeah… not bad. You think this'll work tonight?
VINCE:
Course!
HOWARD:
It's a pretty tough gig, Vince. I don't want any repeat of last time
VINCE:
That was a one-off. This is a totally different set up; there won't be any violence this time
HOWARD:
Sure?
VINCE:
Yeah! I mean, who'd have thought an old folk's home would have so many people with anger management problems?
HOWARD:
I don't think we were what they were expecting.
They booked a band to play for their May Day celebrations; four hours of electro-techno-jazz fusion was probably a bit much for them to handle
VINCE:
Yeah, but it was well harsh when they started throwing their Zimmer frames at us
HOWARD:
Well… should be a different story tonight though? I'm rocking my new look, we've got all these new records to work with.
Bound to be genius!
VINCE:
Hey, what's this?
(he picks up a cardboard package from the shop counter)
VINCE:
Brilliant! My new hairdryer!
HOWARD:
Another one? You've got five already. How many pairs of hands to you have?
VINCE:
But this one's a Hårtork Maxïmo! Look!
(takes it out of the packaging and holds it up. It's silver, cordless, about the size of his hand)
VINCE:
The most powerful hairdryer known to man!
It's got more settings than a salon, and it's powered entirely by the owner's sense of style. Watch!
(he directs it at the rotating stand on the other side of the shop, and turns it on. The stand immediately falls over, then bursts into flames)
VINCE:
Wow. I'll have to work on that. Don't know my own strength!
HOWARD:
Let me have a go –
(takes the Hårtork Maxïmo from VINCE and aims it at the shop dummy in the window.
Nothing happens)
VINCE:
(taking back the dryer)
Best leave it to the experts, yeah?
HOWARD:
Yeah, well, It's not as if I need some appliance to tell me about style, hey? Not now
VINCE:
Calm down, will you? It's a new outfit, not a personality transplant
HOWARD:
Still. Watch out ladies, here comes Howard Moon!
(strikes a flamboyant pose)
You better watch out too, Vince.
VINCE:
What for?
HOWARD:
(dancing about, arms in the air)
Gonna be getting a fair bit of attention now, aren't I?
VINCE:
(snorts derisively)
Yeah, right. In some weird parallel universe where you're better looking and more popular than me
HOWARD:
(grinning)
Ooh, touched a nerve, did I?
What have you created, a rival?
VINCE:
As if you'd ever be my rival. I mean, come on Howard. You can't hope to compete with this, can you?
(indicates his own outfit in all its glory.
HOWARD doesn't reply, turns back to the mirror, clearly delighted with his appearance)
VINCE:
Oh hey, there's a note from Naboo here as well
(opens letter)
"Dear Howard and Vince.
Have been called back to the planet Xooberon.
Taken Bollo with me. Try not to get into trouble while I'm gone.
Naboo."
HOWARD:
(adjusting his hat to a series of rakish angles)
Oh, that's nice. It's not as if we always get into trouble whenever he's not around and he has to get us out of it
VINCE:
Well… it pretty much is.
(turns letter over)
There's another bit here
"P.S. Am looking after a parallel door for a friend.
Whatever you do, don't open it and especially don't go through it.
N."
HOWARD:
What's a parallel door?
VINCE:
I dunno. Like a sliding door, maybe? It doesn't say.
HOWARD:
(shrugs)
Never mind. We haven't got time to go looking for a door we're not supposed to go through. We've got to get ready for tonight's gig
VINCE:
Yeah, I suppose we should start writing some songs. How long've we got until it starts?
HOWARD:
Um, about four hours
VINCE:
Ah, masses of time. No worries. I'm gonna get going on my hair, though. It might take a while.
HOWARD:
I'll make a start on these
(indicates boxes of records)
Gonna be good!
LATER:
(the boys come back down stairs, carrying a variety of instrument cases. HOWARD is dressed the same as earlier, but VINCE is now wearing a different spangly outfit, complete with cowboy hat and man-bag)
HOWARD:
What's with all this stuff? I mean, do you really need six different bottles of hair product?
VINCE:
At least! You never know when a change of look might be needed
HOWARD:
It's a half-hour set, Vince. Which, I should add, we have about four minutes of music for
VINCE:
Stop worrying, it'll be fine. All I have to do is throw a few shapes and we'll have the audience eating out of the palm of our hands
HOWARD:
I knew we should have spent more time preparing the set
VINCE:
(trying to be reassuring)
What about your new look, hey? That'll get their attention
(suddenly realising)
Oh, wait, I forgot something, hang on a minute
HOWARD:
Hurry up, will you? The taxi's waiting
VINCE runs off, but instead of going back upstairs, he goes through a door at the bottom of the stairs, one that wasn't there earlier. It's red, covered in strange occult symbols and had a hand-painted sign above it which reads "Do Not Enter".
It's the parallel door!
HOWARD waits for a few moments, then puts down the cases he's holding and goes over to the door
HOWARD:
Vince? Come on, we haven't got all day.
You better not be changing your outfit again
(there is no reply. HOWARD knocks on the door)
HOWARD:
Vince?
(he looks up and sees the sign, steps back and looks at the door properly)
HOWARD:
Oh dear
(looks around, but the shop and the flat, are empty and there's no-one to help.
Gingerly, HOWARD opens the door. It's dark on the other side, and he squints inside, but can't see anything)
HOWARD:
Vince? Are you in there? Vince!
(still no reply. Reluctantly, HOWARD steps through the door into the dark. The door swings shut behind him)
Through The Door 1:
(It's dark, but there are faint glimmers of light, as if stars are embedded in the walls and ceiling.
HOWARD sparks up a lighter, creating an improbable amount of light)
HOWARD:
Vince? Vince, are you in here?
VINCE:
Howard? I'm over here
(HOWARD stumbles across the darkness to VINCE, whose sparkly outfit is gleaming in the lowlight)
HOWARD:
Where are we?
VINCE:
I dunno. It's a bit weird though. I thought I must've walked into the cupboard under the stairs at first, but it's huge!
HOWARD:
We don't have a cupboard under the stairs
VINCE:
Don't we?
HOWARD:
No. You remember that door Naboo told us not to go through?
VINCE:
Yeah?
HOWARD:
I think we went through it
VINCE:
Oh. He's not going to be very happy with us, is he?
HOWARD:
He doesn't need to find out. Come on, let's find our way back.
With any luck, we can still make it to the gig
VINCE:
I don't think it'll be that easy
HOWARD:
Why not?
VINCE:
The door's up there
(points upwards to the ceiling, into which the door they came through is embedded, at least fifty feet up)
HOWARD:
What! How did that happen? How did – I mean – we – I don't remember falling?
VINCE:
Yeah, I think I figured out why it's called a parallel door. Looks like it's a door that leads to parallel universes
HOWARD:
How did you work that out?
VINCE:
Easy really. That door over there has it written on it
(points to another door, set into the wall to his right, which has "Parallel Universe 42" written on it in glowing green letters)
HOWARD:
Oh. That can't be good
VINCE:
No. How are we gonna get back?
HOWARD:
I don't know. We can't get back up there, so maybe… if we go through that door, we can find another one to take us home
VINCE:
Are you sure?
HOWARD:
Do you have any better ideas?
VINCE:
Not really. Come on then
(he goes over to the second door and opens it. A blast of icy wind escapes and he slams it again)
VINCE:
Don't suppose you brought a jacket, did you?
HOWARD:
Come on, little man
(they go through the door, which slams behind them)
Through The Door 2:
All around them is snow and ice, a howling gale blowing across the icy wastes.
Instantly, HOWARD's hat is blown away
VINCE:
(shouting over the wind)
I think I can see another door!
HOWARD:
Come on, let's hurry!
(putting his arm around VINCE's shoulder, they push on through the snow towards the new door, passing a variety of oddly dressed penguins standing on an iceberg, shouting at each other.
The door is just inside a cave mouth, but when they get there, they discover that it's completely frozen over with thick ice)
HOWARD:
Oh no! What are we gonna do now?
VINCE:
I've got an idea
(pulls the Hårtork Maxïmo out of his man-bag)
HOWARD:
This is no time to be doing your hair, Vince!
VINCE:
No, look!
(he trains the hairdryer on the ice, and instantly it begins to melt, blasted away by VINCE'S powerful sense of style!)
VINCE:
Yeah! Look at me go! Take that, will you!
(as the ice melts, the door does too, and our boys fall forwards into a new universe)
Through The Door 3:
(they land facedown on what appears to be a tennis court)
VINCE:
(sitting up)
Where are we?
HOWARD:
Looks like some kind of sports club
(from across the court, a man approaches. He's dressed in colourful tennis gear – shorts, sweater knotted over his shoulders and looks more than a little like Dixon Bainbridge, except for the fact that he has three legs and four arms, a racket in two of his hands)
TENNIS MAN:
I say, you there! Are you members?
VINCE:
Members of what?
TENNIS MAN:
The tennis club! Good god, man, we don't let any Tom, Dick and Harriet who falls onto the court play, you know!
HOWARD:
We don't want to play tennis, sir. We're just trying to find the right door to get home
TENNIS MAN:
Ah, well, you should have thought of that before you gatecrashed, shouldn't you! Security!
(from across the court come running two more three legged, four armed people, dressed as umpires)
HOWARD:
Run for it!
(he and VINCE scramble to their feet and leg it across the court, heading for a series of doors set into the wall)
VINCE:
Which one?
HOWARD:
Doesn't matter! Just pick one!
(one of the umpires grabs Howard's arm, tearing a sleeve off his new shirt but he escapes
and the boys crash though the nearest door, marked "Parallel Universe 98")
TENNIS MAN:
You fools! In trying to escape us, you have fled into far greater danger!
Where does that door go?
(his two umpire security guards shrug)
TENNIS MAN:
Ah well, never mind. Tennis, anyone?
Through The Door 4:
HOWARD and VINCE fall down onto a new surface, which is white and soft.
Carefully they get to their feet
VINCE:
Where are we now?
HOWARD:
I don't know. But it seems like we're alone, so it's an improvement from the last one
VINCE:
That guy had three legs!
HOWARD:
Yeah, and four arms. Still, I can see where that could come in handy playing tennis
VINCE:
He could play doubles with himself!
HOWARD:
Right, let's try and find another door, shall we?
(they walk a little way, the land sloping away under their feet)
VINCE:
What is this place? What's that?!
(points to the ground ahead of him, in which is a giant eye! It swivels up towards them)
THE MOON:
Hey! What are you doing, walking on my face?
(we see the full face of THE MOON, with HOWARD and VINCE standing on top, the door behind them)
HOWARD:
(screams)
What are you?
THE MOON:
I am The Moon
VINCE:
You're the Moon?
THE MOON:
Pleased to meet you
(he grins)
VINCE:
How did we get on the Moon?
HOWARD:
I don't know. Maybe the doors can lead anywhere
VINCE:
How are we gonna get back to Earth? I can't see any more doors
THE MOON:
Who are you? I didn't see no spaceship coming in. Are you a friend of Neil Armstrong?
VINCE:
I'm Vince Noir. This is my friend Howard
HOWARD:
Howard Moon
THE MOON:
Moon? You can't be The Moon. I am The Moon
HOWARD:
It's just my name. I don't claim to be the actual Moon
THE MOON:
I am The Moon
HOWARD:
I know, you said
THE MOON:
I'm friends with Saturn. He won't let no-one go around pretending to be The Moon
HOWARD:
(testily)
I'm not pretending to be the Moon, alright?
THE MOON:
I seen a satellite earlier
HOWARD:
Really
THE MOON:
People was using it to look at The Moon.
Lots of people, they all watch The Moon. Stars, comets, they got nothing on me.
I am The Moon
HOWARD:
Can we get out of here?
VINCE:
What's the hurry? I like him
HOWARD:
He's an imbecile!
VINCE:
I think he's alright
HOWARD:
Yeah, well you would, wouldn't you?
VINCE:
What's that supposed to mean?
HOWARD:
You're not exactly the sharpest tool in the box, are you?
VINCE:
Oh, and you're so clever? Who got us out of the ice universe, hey?
HOWARD:
That was luck. I mean, who carries a hairdryer around?
VINCE:
I do! And what would you have done if I hadn't?
HOWARD:
I'd have found a way out
VINCE:
Oh yeah? Well, go on then, genius. Find us a way out now
HOWARD:
It's a bit different out here. I don't think a household appliance is going to get us home
VINCE:
Fine, I'll sort it. Um, hello? Moon?
THE MOON:
The Moon
VINCE:
Yeah, The Moon.
Listen, do you know how we can get back to Earth from here?
THE MOON:
Earth?
VINCE:
Yeah. You know, that planet, there?
(he points towards the Earth)
THE MOON:
Oh, her. She don't speak much to The Moon
VINCE:
Right. So… can you help us?
THE MOON:
Would you like a cup of tea?
VINCE:
No ta, we're sort of in a hurry. We've got to get back in time for our gig
THE MOON:
What is a gig?
VINCE:
Me and Howard are in a band. We've got a set booked in a club, you know, go and play some tunes, sing some songs
THE MOON:
I sing songs. I gotta lot of songs
(sings)
The Moon, so big and white in the sky
People say, you look like a pie –
HOWARD:
Yeah, we really are in a hurry –
THE MOON:
(continues oblivious)
Why, why you look like a pie
I am The Moon…
I don't wear a tie
(pause)
THE MOON:
I got more songs –
HOWARD:
Great, that's brilliant. Can you help us or not?
THE MOON:
Okay. There's a door in my Sea of Tranquillity. That's round on my back
VINCE:
Cheers, The Moon. Maybe I'll write a song about you
THE MOON:
The Moon will write a song for you too. The Moon likes you
VINCE:
(chuffed)
Thank, The Moon. See ya
THE MOON:
Goodbye
(sings)
Two men walking on The Moon
One says he is The Moon
But he is not The Moon
The other, he is not The Moon either
But The Moon says he is okay –
HOWARD:
Can we go now? Please?
VINCE:
What's your problem? He's great! Handsome too
HOWARD:
You're not quite right, you know that?
VINCE:
(shaking his head)
Whatever. This way
(they walk up to the next door and go through)
Through The Door 5:
The second the door opens, the boys are sucked through, immediately finding themselves underwater!
But it's okay, because they've both turned into cartoons, so they don't need to breathe. They swim around for a bit, enjoying this cartoony underwater world with its brightly coloured plants and weeds.
More penguins go by, still arguing. One has a pet shark on a lead
PASSING FISH:
Morning. You boys aren't from around here, are you?
VINCE:
Just passing through
FISH:
Thought so. I'm Jeremy. Have some seaweed?
HOWARD:
No thanks. I'm trying to cut back
FISH:
Suit yourself. Going anywhere nice?
VINCE:
We're trying to get home. See, we went through this door, and now we don't know where we are
FISH:
Ah, I can help you there
HOWARD:
Really? Where are we?
FISH:
You're in the sea. You can tell, see, from all the water and such that's here.
HOWARD:
Thanks. That's a great help
FISH:
Anytime. Oh, and if you meet the walrus, don't let him talk you into helping him find his bucket.
Just tell him you don't know anything about it or he'll keep you for hours.
HOWARD:
What?
FISH:
Don't ask.
You might want to watch out for the merpeople, too. Weird lot, you're probably best off away from them
HOWARD:
(turning completely white – as a cartoon, this is a literal term, not just an expression)
Merpeople? Come on Vince, we've got to get out of here!
VINCE:
Why? Why do you always have to be in such a hurry?
Come on Howard, look at where we are! How likely is it we're gonna end up somewhere like this again?
(but HOWARD has spotted the empty Bailey's bottle on the seabed! There's a shoe next to it – this can only mean one thing.
HOWARD swims frantically towards a hatch in the seabed with "Parallel Universe 28" on it, desperate to get away, but another figure is approaching from the distance)
VINCE:
What on earth's the matter with you?
HOWARD:
(terrified muttering)
Old Gregg! No, no, not Old Gregg!
VINCE:
What, that sea monster? The one you were engaged to?
HOWARD:
Don't say that! He might hear you!
VINCE:
No, I want to meet him! Anything freakish enough to fall in love with you, that's gotta be worth a look!
HOWARD:
Vince, please! Not now!
(the small green figure is getting closer and clearer, you can make out his tutu)
VINCE:
Alright. But the next time you get abducted by a monster that wants to marry you, I'm not coming to rescue you
HOWARD:
Fine! Just, please, come on!
(he pulls open the hatch, tumbling through, dragging Vince with him, but his trousers catch on the door, ripping them into shreds.
In the distance, a faint cry can just be heard)
OLD GREGG:
I'm Old Gregg!
Come back, Howard! Old Gregg wants you back!
(but the boys have gone, leaving cartoon Old Gregg behind)
Through The Door 6:
Now no longer cartoons, HOWARD and VINCE land on the floor of what appears to be a storeroom. Because the last world was animated, they are not wet, although HOWARD is still very pale and looking increasingly ragged
VINCE:
You alright Howard?
HOWARD:
No, no I am not alright. Old Gregg!
VINCE:
What was so bad about him? He wanted to marry you, didn't he?
HOWARD:
What, and you think that's a good thing, do you?
Maybe you should try being forced into wedlock with an insane merman obsessed with watercolours and see how much you like it!
VINCE:
You shouldn't speak about your fiancée like that
HOWARD:
Vince!
VINCE:
You're so negative! You shouldn't be so picky
HOWARD:
Well, forgive me for wanting to marry a human woman with some semblance of sanity over a half-and-half sea monster!
VINCE:
You should take every chance you get, know what I mean? You never know what you're passing up
HOWARD:
Let's just forget all about it and see where we are now, shall we?
(looks around. The room is dark, filled with assorted junk, spilling out of boxes and crates, but there's another door right beside them, so they open it and go through)
HOWARD:
Looks like an office. Normal, even
VINCE:
I dunno, it's a bit – dingy. Could do with brightening up a bit
HOWARD:
It's not underwater. That's a start
VINCE:
(picking up bits and pieces from the desks)
Just seems a bit weird. You know, to land somewhere so boring after the last few places
HOWARD:
Yeah, well, I could do with some boring after the last few, thanks. Through here, do you think?
(he points to a red painted door in the corner of the messy office)
VINCE:
Might as well
(VINCE goes over to the red door and opens it, but immediately reels back in horror at the sight that greets him)
VINCE:
Ahhh!
HOWARD:
What is it? What's wrong?
(VINCE points through the door, and HOWARD goes in to find what appears to be a Goth version of VINCE,
dressed in black and wearing heavy makeup, cowering in the corner)
HOWARD:
Who are you?
RICHMOND:
I'm Richmond. Who are you? And who's he?
(points at VINCE, who's still standing in the door, frozen in shock)
HOWARD:
I'm Howard, this is Vince. Do you two know each other?
VINCE:
Know each other? Howard, he looks just like me! Only with really bad makeup
RICHMOND:
Hey!
HOWARD:
Be nice, Vince. Don't insult him as well as scaring him
VINCE:
Scaring him? What about scaring me? How'd you feel if you looked in the mirror and saw that looking back at you?
RICHMOND:
I'm not wearing makeup
HOWARD:
I think this is all getting a bit beside the point. Where are we?
RICHMOND:
You're in the basement of Reynholm Industries
HOWARD:
Is that in London?
RICHMOND:
(puzzled)
Yes. Where did you come from, if you don't know where you are?
HOWARD:
That's, sort of a long story.
(to Vince)
If we're in London, we could be back in our universe. We could be nearly home!
VINCE:
I don't think so! You really think a world in which this freak steals my face and takes it over to the dark side is the same as ours?
HOWARD:
It's better than the last one!
VINCE:
For you, maybe, but not for me! Come on, we're leaving!
HOWARD:
Sorry, Richmond. Have to go
RICHMOND:
No worries. Nice to have visitors
(VINCE storms out, heading through a different door from the office into the corridor,
where he almost bumps into a woman)
JEN:
Hello Richmond. What are you doing out of your room?
(looks him up and down, taking in the sparkly catsuit)
That's a – different look for you, isn't it?
VINCE:
Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!
(he pushes past her, racing towards yet another door at the end of the corridor.
HOWARD follows closely behind)
JEN:
Who are you? Where-? What-?
HOWARD:
Sorry, can't stay
(he runs through the door after VINCE just as it starts to swing shut)
Through The Door 7:
VINCE bursts through the door to find himself back in Nabootique, but just as HOWARD joins him,
the two figures standing in the shop turn around to reveal themselves as – HOWARD and VINCE!
But not as we know them – "HOWARD" is wearing a flashy, sparkly, attention grabbing outfit complete with large hat and knee-high heeled boots,
whereas "VINCE" is wearing a Hawaiian shirt, dull brown trousers and a badly fitting hat. He also has a moustache, whereas "HOWARD" does not.
As the boys take this in, slack-jawed, we notice that the walls are covered in pictures of "HOWARD", including newspaper clippings with headlines like
"Moon wins Best Looking Man Alive Award third year in a row!" and
"Moon is filmmaker of the century!"
There also appears to be a crowd outside, waving banners that say things like
"I love you Howard!" and "I want your Moon babies!"
HOWARD AND VINCE:
Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggghhhhhhhhh!
(they both run like hell towards the Parallel Door at the bottom of the stairs, which thankfully slams behind them)
Through The Door 8:
(still running, they fly out of the door and are still in the Nabootique, but this time it's empty)
HOWARD:
Are we back? Is this – ours?
VINCE:
I dunno. Looks about right
HOWARD:
Well, the last one was "about right" until –
VINCE:
Don't say it! I don't want to hear about it! I don't even want to think about it!
The door to the shop opens and in come parallel universe HOWARD and VINCE, but this time the difference is – they're girls!
"VINCENZA" is wearing a Lovefoxx from CSS-style catsuit with stilettos, a boa and lots of bright plastic jewellery.
"HOWARDINA" is wearing a badly fitting Hawaiian shirt and matching shorts, hiking boots and a bowler hat, complete with a moustache of her own.
In all probability, if this was a real script they would be played by Dee Plume and Sue Denim, not because they look like Howard and Vince but because they're the only two girls in it most of the time. Alternatively, Simon Farnaby and Tom Meeten as Harold Boom and Lance Dior from "The Power Of The Crimp" but in drag
The boys look at each other, then without a word, they turn and go through the Parallel Door at the bottom of the stairs
Through The Door 9:
(they appear to be in another dark limbo, like the first, with lowlights and a door at each end)
VINCE:
Do me a favour, will you? Don't ever mention any of these universes to me ever again, will you?
(HOWARD seems as shocked by the last world as VINCE, and nods dumbly)
HOWARD:
One last go, eh? Then – I dunno, we'll have to try and find some other way home
VINCE:
Can't get any worse. Can it?
(pause)
HOWARD:
Come on
(he pushes open the door and they land in… a world of doors!
But like the Mirror World, this is just a small room with doors set into every part of the walls and floor, all different kinds of doors –
glass doors, wooden doors, round portholes, sliding doors etc )
HOWARD:
Oh, for goodness sake. This couldn't be easy, could it?
VINCE:
Relax! How hard can it be? There's only…
(starts counting)
HOWARD:
Eighteen. There's eighteen doors here. And no signs on any of them. How are we ever gonna find our way now?
(VINCE shrugs and opens the nearest door, which they both go through.
There follows a rapid flurry of door-opening and closing as the two of them go in and out of each of the doors, some doors more than once, sometimes emerging from different doors and disappearing in opposite directions, but we only don't see the inside of any of these worlds, just the boys coming in and out of them.
On each occasion, something is different; For example, VINCE is wearing a long white wedding dress and veil, carrying a bouquet/HOWARD dashingly dressed, as if he's in a Jane Austen period drama/VINCE has green hair/HOWARD wearing a kind of sailor suit type outfit involving very short blue shorts with a very tight t-shirt and a matching hat/both of them wearing 1920's flapper dresses and high heels/dressed as Victorian schoolchildren/wearing snorkels and flippers etc etc etc.
Eventually they stop, back in the Lair of the Doors, back in the clothes they had on when they started this adventure)
HOWARD:
This is ridiculous. We could be here for years! There must be some kind of logic to this? Some way to find out how to get back?
(a voice from above speaks up)
VOICE:
You could ask me
(the boys look up to see a giant spider-man perched on the ceiling between two doors,
looking a bit too much like Rich Fulcher dressed in black with four obviously fake black plastic legs glued onto his back
and a pair of tights over his face. He starts to descend towards them)
SPIDER:
This is my lair. I've been watching you boys, and you look like a tasty snack, hmmm, yes
VINCE:
Who are you?
SPIDER:
I am the Spider of the Doors, hmmm. But you can call me Louisa Fairweather-Maccaby the Third
VINCE:
Do we have to?
SPIDER:
Hmm-hmm-hmm. Otherwise I'll have to eat you
HOWARD:
Why?
SPIDER:
Well, what else have I got to do? I'm stuck in a room with nothing in it but doors. Does that sound like fun to you?
HOWARD:
I guess not
SPIDER:
You guess not, what?
HOWARD:
(reluctantly)
I guess not, Louisa Fairweather-Maccaby the Third
SPIDER:
That's better!
And now you can stay here with me and stop me from every getting bored again. Dance for me, monkeys, dance!
(he throws a handful of dust at them, which half-explodes, turning into a mixture of smoke and glitter, surrounding their heads)
VINCE:
Ow! What the hell are you doing?
SPIDER:
I'm making you dance! Now entertain me, or I shall have to eat you!
(throws another handful)
VINCE:
Watch the hair! This isn't something you put just anything in, you know.
(despite this, VINCE'S hair is still immaculate, even after all they've been through.
He opens his man-bag and takes out a spray can and a mirror, starting to 'fix' his hair)
HOWARD:
Vince! Not now!
VINCE:
I'm not having my hair messed up just cos of some weirdo spider who lives in a room full of doors!
HOWARD:
Oh, and focussing on your hair is going to get us home, is it?
VINCE:
Just cos you're okay going round looking like something you find at the back of a cupboard, doesn't mean I'm gonna let my standards slip
HOWARD:
What d'you mean?
VINCE:
Have you seen what you look like recently?
(turns his hand mirror around to show Howard how dishevelled he's become during their adventure)
HOWARD:
That's hardly surprising after all this, is it?
VINCE:
I'm alright
(adds another squirt of product to his hair)
SPIDER:
Hmmm, Louisa likes your can of spray thingy. Give me some of that and I won't eat you
VINCE:
What? You're not having my Style Maestro Extraordinaire! That costs €18 Euros!
HOWARD:
Vince! Just give it to him!
VINCE:
Alright. But I'm not happy about this!
(he hands the bottle to LOUISA FAIRWEATHER-MACCABY THE THIRD, who immediately starts spraying it into the air, throwing handfuls of glitter into it)
SPIDER:
Wheeee!
(spins around, spraying and throwing glitter)
SPIDER:
Much better! Oh, I won't eat you now! Do you have more?
HOWARD:
Give him the rest
VINCE:
No way! I need these!
HOWARD:
Go on! He might help us get home if you do
VINCE:
Oy, Louisa-whatever-your-name-is
SPIDER:
Louisa Fairweather-Maccaby the Third!
VINCE:
Yeah, that. Can you tell us which door'll get us home?
SPIDER:
Sure. But why would I want to do that when I could keep you here with me forever?
VINCE:
I'll give you these if you do
(takes out the other five bottles of hair product)
SPIDER:
Hmmm. I guess I could let you go. But not you.
(points to HOWARD).
You must dance for me if I am to let you go
HOWARD:
You what?
SPIDER:
You heard me. Now dance, monkey, dance!
(he continues to spray and spin while HOWARD looks horrified)
BACK IN NABOOTIQUE:
VINCE:
(stifling a laugh)
I'm gonna have to keep a closer eye on you, you know.
Seems like you can't go anywhere without getting engaged or becoming a prostitute
(HOWARD is standing next to him at the counter, back in his normal clothes, eyes darting nervously from side to side.
He's holding onto the counter rather tightly)
HOWARD:
Look, just don't ever mention that to me ever again, will you? There are some things in life a man should never have to do, and that's one of them
VINCE:
You're not the only one who went through bad times! I had to give up three bottles of Nicky Clarke Root Booster!
AND my Special Ultra Spilt End Prevention Buffer
HOWARD:
That's not even remotely the same, is it?
VINCE:
I thought you wanted attention? You couldn't stop going on about it earlier
HOWARD:
I think I've had enough attention for a while. So just, let's forget all about it, shall we?
VINCE:
Alright. Shame we missed that gig.
HOWARD:
Yeah.
(the shop door opens and NABOO and BOLLO come in)
NABOO:
Alright? How're things?
HOWARD:
Fine. Everything's fine. Absolutely fine. No problems at all. No, sir
NABOO:
(frowning)
What's wrong with him?
VINCE:
(grinning)
I think Howard's found a new career as-
HOWARD:
Alright! There's no need for anyone else to know, is there?
NABOO:
Know what? What've you two been up to now?
VINCE:
Oh, not much
(NABOO looks over at the Parallel Door)
NABOO:
At least that's still here. Bollo, bring it upstairs, will you?
(BOLLO wrenches the door of its hinges and lugs it upstairs. VINCE and HOWARD breathe a sigh of relief)
HOWARD:
Oh god, I feel so much better now that's gone
VINCE:
Yeah. Howard?
HOWARD:
Hmm?
VINCE:
You don't think – no
HOWARD:
Think what?
VINCE:
You don't think anything could still come through, do you?
From the other universes?
HOWARD:
(going pale)
Through? How d'you mean?
VINCE:
You know, follow us back or anything?
HOWARD:
No, how could anything do that?
You don't think they could, do you?
(he catches sight of a spider scuttling out from the space where the Parallel Door was and screams!)
HOWARD:
Nooooooo!
Don't make me do it again!
(he bolts from the room, leaving a laughing VINCE behind)
Credits roll over the animated penguins, performing an underwater synchronised swimming display
Disclaimer: Obviously, anything you recognise from the Boosh universe (or Zooniverse) isn't mine, nor are Richmond and Jen of Reynholm Industries (if you don't recognise them, watch the IT Crowd and you might get what I'm going on about).
I will admit to being a little influenced by the Futurama episode "The Farnsworth Parabox". But only a little.
And in case you're wondering why a walrus would be looking for a bucket, go to /category/lolrus. All will be explained – it's not quite as random as the Boosh, but it's pretty close.
The multitalented performing penguins, however, are all mine, and will no doubt carry on cropping up in my fanfics.
I could have done a ton of crossovers and stuff here, but decided to keep it to a minimum. If anyone wants to add a chapter, feel free!