The Contextual Reasons Why Society is Broken

Why don't I tell you a story? A real tale. One for the books. Or is this not a book? How could it not be, you ask. It clearly has pages, a binding. A front. A back. Some words printed on said pages. But if it is a book, then why question such a fact? Well, if you question the fact, is it really a fact? People seem to do that nowadays. It seems when something is, it apparently isn't.

FASCINATING! Isn't it? Confusion. Conception. Recalibration. Sniper rifles. Hedgehogs. Potato beetles. Musical marvels of man's creation. SOUND! Wonder! Excitement! Human emotion!

Bullshit. Emotions? I don't have those, neither do you. But wait, you do? Then why should I dispute such an argument? You clearly have it, right? Right? RIGHT!? FACTS! Opinions. Turtles. Penis. Flying squirrels. See? This is exactly what Tyrannosaurus is talking about.

Sense? Make not, but be square or be nonexistent. Through the devastation of the King's reign, Latte Man can't find his Half and Half. That bitch had dollars out the wazoo!

WOOOO HOO! Butt jokes. Jokes. Comedy. Everyone is funny. Excitable and courageous. Because you're funny, people like you. Other people!? EW! I don't want the Common Cold! COMMON!? W-WHAT!? It's everywhere? Well, I'll be a monkey's tightly squeezed anal juices! It is!

"But, Wolfgang, what is the fuck wrong with you?" you may ask me. A Fuck is simply Fornication Under Consent of the King! EVERYONE FUCKED FOR THE KING! Then he took Latte Man's Half and Half! THAT BASTARD! Ugh, I can't find my glasses. Wait, I didn't have any when I wrote this because I'm nearsighted. BUT HOLD THE fucking PHONE! If I was nearsighted, wouldn't that mean I can't read what I writing!? That might explain its insanity! BUT NO, GOOD SIR! Or are you a madam? Eh, I don't FUCKING care. I'm not farsighted!

Can you milk a cow when it's a bull? Yeah, but that's gross. Fuck's wrong with you? Oh? You're GAY!? NO! THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELLS YOU! Ha! I don't care. Wait. Maybe I do? But if I do, then why say I don't? Oh, well, if you remember, EVERYONE'S FUNNY! FuCkInG funny! JOKES. I want you to laugh. ThisiswhyGodranawayandlefteveryoneonEarthtodiefromagiantmeteortotheasshole.

"That's a rather specific place for a meteor to strike, Wolfgang." Well, maybe Thor will deflect it! That's right! Polytheism! WONDERS OF THE PAGANS! fuck. That was meant to happen. But did it? Is this a simulation? I wonder/ Do you? Should you question me? No! I AM YOUR GOD!

"Laugh out loud, Shad, but are you InSaNe?!" Don't call me that! I HAVE SPECIFIC PREFERENCES preferences. What? Ok.

I SAID OK YOU FUCKER! Wow, okay. Calm down. CaLM ThY SeLf! WEE! This is fun. Isn't it? Good. If you weren't having fun then you picked this book up for the wrong reason. Now, what the Hel was I doing? Oh, yeah. Pouring gasoline… lighting a matchstick… NOW! I'm an arsonist. See how quickly one becomes wrapped in Anarchy? Communism has failed every time it was attempted.

Now, onto telling ye this tale. It's a tale. Tail. Dogs have tails. Everyone likes dogs. The end.

Are you stupid!? LET'S KEEP THIS TRAIN DERAILING! How many of you have had an existential crisis? Raise your hand, please.

*Author Scans the Studio Audience.*

If you actually raised your hand, I must high five you!

Shit, I broke my computer.

Actually, I broke my tablet. Writing the Ultimate Dragon became too much for that bastard and he started having a seizure. So, I slammed the Commie into my head and cracked his skull. HA! Get wrecked, fag.

Speaking of Dragons! Here comes one! Wait, never mind, that's just Randy Savage. Ignore him.

"SNAP INTO A SLIMJIM!" Goddammit Randy. Anyway. Where was the bug-eyed bastard! Oh yes! NOW FIGHT!

Chop Suey! isn't Metal. It's barely hard rock. But onto other matters. Where's my doughnut!? Anyone who spells doughnut donut should be put to the sword! FOR KING AND COUNTRY! As the Brits would say. I can only Kingspeak though. England is my ancestral homeland. So is Ireland. Scotland, too. Celtic blood. Danes. Vikings. I'M A FUCKING VIKING! Bro, you ought to calm down.

*Raids Britain*

Dammit. We lie and say we ride around for hire. But, sense none makes that any of. So, he was sitting at his computer, having said existential crisis and wondered why all of his "ORIGINAL" work was absolutely terrible. I mean, all he did was pick apart other people's work and use those bits in his own. Originality was not his quirk. He could've slapped his dick on a canvas, covered in every color imaginable, and it still would've been done the exact same way by someone else before him. Plagiarism. He narrowly escaped that shit.

That shit. It haunted the bastard. Kept him enclosed in his own shit piles. No one liked him, and when they did, he couldn't feel the same way because he's a normal human being who's trying not to be a fucking whale. Oh shit! I've got mail! Let's see who it's from!

FUCKING FAGGOTS! Someone sent me a shit ton of faggots! I mean, look at all these fags! So many fags! Just hundreds of the fuckers! Long and thin, most of them. There's a stogie in here, too. Cigar.

"Oh, we thought you were talking about the Gays!" Wow, you're a fucking faggot for thinking that. I've gotten too on-topic. Tome to derail the smokestacks.

If you think books are a good learning tool, you must be incompetent. I can't book very well. I keep smashing them under my GIGANTIC NUTSACK. Just a huge bag of nuts. Mostly cashews. I like me some good old cash. I like money. Damn the King for taking Latte Man's Pumpkin Spice latte away when winter hit. But wait! It returns! WHITE GIRLS ARISE! Take down the Church and steal all of their little cookies! Evil laughter commence.

*Waits 5 Seconds*

PEDRO! DID YOU FORGET TO ACTIVATE THE SWITCH!? I hate ogres. Shreck is Love, Shreck is NO! Now, once I hit one thousand and thirty-four words I have to st-