No more
Chapter 1
Brian P.O.V.
To say that things went back to normal after Justin left is an understatement. Nothing in my life will ever be the same after meeting him that fateful night. Deep down I knew I felt something that first night something I would probably never feel again.
Hell even my offer to him on the first night is one I never did not give to anybody before nor will I ever say it again. 2 months after Justin left me for the fiddler I still follow his fucking rules not that I really enjoy kissing anyone other then him and what the hell do I need to be out past 3am.
It feels like a lifetime since I have seen Justin. Hell I don't even know if he is in Pittsburgh anymore. PIFA mailed me back this semester's tuition, saying that Mr. Taylor is no longer a student therefore they no longer need payment from me.
To hear that he dropped out of college was outrageous I cannot believe he chose to throw everything away that he worked so hard for. What shocked me even more was that he no longer worked at the diner and I know the fiddler and he need the money.
Mother Taylor a few days ago came knocking on my door checking to see if I had heard from him which would be a joke, why he would call me. To find out that he has not talked to his mother is shocking they always had a close relationship with each other.
The last time I saw his beautiful face was at the muncher's anniversary. I still cannot believe that Michael had the nerve to say that about Justin. I completely lost my temper like I have never done before.
One thing I can say for certain for me and Justin is words were not always necessary for the two of us. We were always able to read each other's emotions by simple looks alone. That day when our eyes met he was speaking in volumes to me. What I say was 'Please forgive me, I hope you will.'
That was so long ago, almost a lifetime ago. A month and a half is longer then I ever imagined going with out seeing him at least once a day. I was happy when I could go into the diner and see him there.
Now that he is no longer working there is causing everyone of our liberty family to freak out, everyone except Michael. I will never understand the animosity between them but it is just something they will both have to get over one day. Debbie has been riding me for over a week now to find him I haven't tried to do so yet.
I really do miss him, not just for all the amazing sex we used to have or even the blow jobs, I just miss his presence. I miss waking up everyday to a ray of sunshine. I miss waking up and smelling coffee that he made because for some reason his coffee always tasted better then mine. Don't even get me started on the creamer, always a personal favorite.
I never thought I would ever consider being with someone like I was with Justin. The time I did spend with Justin was the happiest times in my whole worthless life. It doesn't help that I have to think about him just to be able to enjoy the sex that I have with tricks. After the guy compared me to 'Citizen Kane' it shocked me because I now realized that I am barely going through the motions of living.
I hate Justin for making me see that, I hate him for showing me how good life could be and then taking it away. I hate him for making me care about someone other then myself. I hate him for making me feel loved. I hate him for challenging me every chance he could. I truly hate him for making me care about Gus.
For all the things I hate about him I couldn't be more grateful for showing me how good life can really be. All of these feelings could be resurfacing mainly because today 1 year ago Justin and I were dancing at his prom.
I always hoped that one day he would remember the whole situation and not just me calling out his name. That night I knew I had fallen in love with Justin, I am not sure the exact moment but I knew then, there was no turning back for me.
How the world can change in the blink of an eye. I learned that night that nothing is forever; you can lose your whole world in the swing of a bat. I can still see him lying on the cement floor losing his life in my arms.
All those nights that Justin had nightmares I too had them. They were not of seeing Chris Hobbs, they were of seeing Justin lying in my arms bleeding to death, and the only difference to what really happened is he open his eyes looks into mine and tells me over and over. "This is all your fault Brian. I hate you for what you did to me, I'll never forgive you."
Every time I hear those words in my dreams it cuts me to the core. The sheer hate in his voice in my dream is so realistic. Those words hurt me more then any punch from Jack. It hurts more then any condescending look from Joan. It is the most painful thing ever.
That is why I am lying here awake at 4:16am. I am afraid of what I will see, terrified of what the image of Justin will say to me tonight. I have resisted the urge to call him today, I just need to know that he is okay that the demons he has hidden inside are not coming up for a fresh haunting.
I know Justin now has the fiddler to hold him, to tell him there will be no more pain. That doesn't change the fact that I want it to be me, that I understand having demons inside of you that just will not go away. I yearn to hold him and tell him that the world will be okay and will not hurt him anymore but that is Ivan's job now.
Since Justin departure I have had a weekly appointment with my substitute Justin hustler. I still cannot believe I am paying for sex but I need to see that blonde hair and lithe body to have a soul shattering orgasm. Malcolm, the hustler, is quite talented in what he does but in comparison to who he is replacing doesn't even compare, though no one does.
Even in the very beginning Justin was the best. His first blow job he gave me was better then the most talented of mouths. Everything Justin has ever done has always shocked and I loved every second of it.
When we played with the ice cream after Michael and I had our falling it was a sticky good and I never thought once about all the calories I was digesting. Right after we found dumpster boy and I choked him, we had our first experience with breathe play.
Anything I could ever think of trying we did. Every possible fantasy I have ever thought we tried at least once. The best part of it they were all the same fantasies Justin ever had as well. That way he added his own special touch and made my fantasy even better then I could have ever imagined.
Of the couple hundred thousand orgasms I have ever had I can barely remember them all. When it comes to all the amazing orgasms I have ever had with Justin I can remember each one with great detail. He is my whole top ten great fuck list.
My favorite would have to be the first time he ever tried ecstasy. After a couple hours of grinding and dancing at Babylon we head back to the loft. First he blessed me with a two hour blow job then he rimmed me for an hour and a half. He worked up my whole body sending every inch of my skin making me scream for his touch.
Just thinking about that night has me harder then I could imagine. I slowly lower my hand to my crotch and I can already feel the warmth of my cock, I imagine it was his strong hands doing it. I think of the first time we ever went to the baths.
As soon as we entered the building we had hundreds of offers to worship our bodies. Left and right we heard people begging us to allow them to either rim us, blow us, suck our balls, or fuck them. It felt amazing to have him by my side being so excited to see and smell all the new things.
I tighten my grip on my cock as all the mental images are flashing through my head. The faster I work my cock the more visible I can see Justin face and body. I can feel my balls start to tighten alerting me of my impending orgasm.
Just as I am about to cum I hear my useless house phone ringing of the hook. I do not want to hear it ring again so I chose to answer it with my usual pissed off manor. "What the fuck do you want?"
A computerized voice comes through my phone after there was 30 seconds of silence. "You have a collect call from Justin Taylor from the Allegheny County Jail. To accept press 1, to refuse all collect calls from this establishment press 9."
Before the computer has a chance to finish I accept the call. "Brian oh my god I didn't mean to kill him. Help me!"