Four Letters

First Letter

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My Tris,

Today's been seven years since your death. Yes, seven years. I'm no longer the 18 year old boy you once met in the Dauntless Compound; I've grown now, but that doesn't mean that I have forgotten about you. How can I? You were more than my first love; you were my best friend, my partner, my equal. You were the one that gave me enough strength to keep going. Up until this day, the memory of you, of how strong and full of life you were helps me to get back on my feet and keep walking. I want to live they way you would have lived.

I once told you, in Erudite Headquarters, that if you died, I died too. Well, I didn't lie. The moment I told you that I loved you I gave you a part of me that I never got back. When you died, a part of me died and since then I've never been whole again.

It still hurts. I guess that when you lose someone so dear to you the pain never goes away, it remains there, like a splinter poking and bruising your heart with every beat it takes. There comes a moment that the part where you're bruised becomes numb, but the wounds that a person's death leaves on you are different; those never become numb, but you learn to live with the pain.

In these past few months I've been dreaming of you more than usual. Every night you're there. Every dream is different.

Last night I woke up sweating and crying and yelling out your name.

I dreamed that I was running to the Weapon's Lab back at the Bureau compound, running to you, running to save you. The halls kept getting longer, my feet getting heavier, my sight turning dark at the edges and my lungs felt like if they were made out of a tight rubber, not expanding enough for air. I felt like millions of pairs of hands were restraining me from continuing. But I fought against them. I fought them with all my strength because I had to reach you. I had to get to you and protect you.

But I couldn't protect you. When I finally reached the Weapon's Lab, he shot you, right in front of me. White pain shot through my body as I watched you press the green button as you collapsed. I froze and I yelled your name. Or at least I think I did, my ears were deaf. You looked at me, your eyes, even though they were losing their light, continued being stern and full of love. You smiled at me and I broke.

At that moment I woke up.

I hate those nightmares, but, as odd as it sounds, a part of me is thankful for them because I get to see your face again, it doesn't matter how painful it is. They're always worth it if it means that I get to see you.

I talked to Christina about it. She told me that she has been dreaming about you and Will a lot too, so we went to see Matthew to see if he could help us figure it out since, you know, he's all into that brain and memories stuff.

He talked to me first, and he told me that it's normal considering that…

Well…

Tris.

My Tris. Beatrice…

You once told me to call you Beatrice in special occasions.

I'm getting married.

You have no idea how difficult is to write those words, especially to you.

Matthew said that I would probably feel better if I told you about it, but since there is no grave where I can visit you, he said that writing you a letter would probably help.

I thought it was a stupid idea. And yet, here you have me, writing it anyway. As you can guess, I'm desperate.

Her name is Gabrielle.

I didn't meet her in the Dauntless Compound; I didn't throw knives at her, taught her how to fight or shoot a gun or first kissed her in the chasm. I didn't show her my fear landscape or fought her bad dreams off with my bare hands. But I did tell her about you. I told her about how Chicago's big historic hero was the owner of my heart and how she took a part of me with her when she died.

I met her in the most boring place at the most boring time. I met her at this thing we now call the grocery store and she helped me pick out a watermelon. She came from the fringe. She is kind and selfless and, even though her hair is black and wavy and she's taller than you, her strong blue eyes remind me of you. I think that's what caught my attention, her eyes. They are so full of life just like yours.

For a long time I thought that I would never be able to love again and when Gabrielle came into my life I was afraid. Yes, the big Dauntless prodigy, Four, was afraid, don't laugh at me. I was afraid because I felt like I was betraying you, and it didn't feel right. I didn't like when I caught myself thinking of her and smiling and I didn't like that every Thursday I would purposely bump into her so she would help me pick out another watermelon.

After continuous nagging from Christina and Zeke's part, they finally convinced me that I had the right to move on and I asked her out on a date.

I know for a fact that you would hate her. I would hate any guy that caught your attention that wasn't me, but somehow, I would try to find the strength to let you go, because I know that I would want to see you happy.

I feel happy when I'm with her. I love her.

But Beatrice, my love, she will never, ever replace you, because I already gave you that piece of my heart that died with you. She will never have that. That is yours. I am yours.

I will be forever yours, Stiff.

Love,

Tobias.