DEADPOOL®
in
Blood, Guns
and Boobs... oh my?!
Chapter One
- Deadpool Saves The World -
At an undisclosed location.
Deadpool is surrounded by numerous clichéd faceless bad guys ready to tear him a new one. A man in a white suit and black shades looks on from a safe distance.
"You are too late, Deadpool. The missile launches in fifteen minutes. Accept that the world will burn, and from the ashes, I will rise and claim rule to it" said the white-suited Crazy Wannabe-Ruler-Of-The-World.
"Rii-iight, the only problem with that is - IF you manage to 'burn the world' I'll still be there to kick your butt. So, no ruling the world for you crazy pants!" Deadpool retorted.
"For the hundredth time. My name is Evilax" Evilax clarified
"More like Lame-ax" Deadpool jokes.
Evilax throws Deadpool a look of disdain before turning on his heels and storming off down a corridor. The faceless bad guys ready themselves for attack.
"Okay boys" Deadpool pulls out his pistols and twirls them "who wants to play 'dodge the bullet'?" he questions enthusiastically whilst looking around, waiting for the faceless bad guys to make their move.
Deadpool opens fire and performs the most awesome display of bullet ballet the world has ever seen. Bullets fly, bodies drop and Deadpool is the only one left standing. He quickly follows after Evilax searching for the Control Room. A few doors down Deadpool finds it. He enters to see a massive console with a screen showing a countdown.
"Okay. Eight minutes to figure out how to disable the missile. Any ideas?" Deadpool asks himself
"Don't ask me. I know nothing about computers" Voice A chirped
"*sigh* Don't you think we should of learned things like this in the event of, well, our current situation?" Voice B commented
"Try mashing all the buttons" Voice A suggested
"That's stupid!" Voice B declared "Only a complete moron would -"
Deadpool starts mashing buttons.
"Urrrgh... If I could facepalm I would" Voice B laments
"Nope. Nothing" Deadpool proclaims. Deadpool then notices a big red button. It is encased in a glass box and stated; emergency only. He opened the glass case and pushed it.
"-Please enter abort code-" A robotic female voice boomed.
"Huh? Aww maaaaaan" Deadpool whines.
"Whatta we do, whatta we do, whatta we do?" Voice A squeals in panic
"We deduce from all information gathered a logical pass-code and -" Voice B starts
"Boooriiiing!" Deadpool interrupts whilst unsheathing his katana.
Deadpool proceeds to drive his katana into the console. Sparks shoot from the console and the screen scrambles a bit then
"-Launch sequence failed to initialize-Launch aborted-" The Computer declared.
"Yeah! Suck it!" Deadpool celebrates
"I cannot believe that actually worked?!" Voice B professed in
perturbed disbelief.
"-Security breach detected-System under attack-Counterstrike initiated-" The Computer announced.
"Errh... whut tha?" Deadpool said scratching his head.
"-Counterstrike failed-Self destruct initiated-Ten minutes until system preservation-" The Computer stated.
"Whut?" Deadpool gasped.
"Idiot!" Voice B snaps "You've triggered the self-destruct!"
"Oh, so, ten minutes to escape. No problem" Deadpool said dismissively.
"And what about the kidnapped Doctor?" Voice B inquires.
"Who cares about some old-ass Doctor?" Deadpool shrugged.
"Errh – the people who hired you" Voice B reminded
"Fuck 'em!" Voice A spat
"Yeah, fuck 'em!" Deadpool agreed
"And what would you tell them when they inquire about The Doctor?" Voice B challenges
"Oh - I'll just tell them lame-ax shot him – I couldn't save him. I'm sorry blah, blah, blah" Deadpool suggested.
"Really? So you're totally fine with leaving an innocent to die? In a situation you've created. A person you've been asked and paid to rescue. Despite claiming to be doing 'the right thing' now? Because you know it's the right thing to do" Voice B guilt-tripped.
"... stupid conscience..." Deadpool pouted "Fine! Any ideas where he is?"
"Errh...?"
Womanly screams suddenly echo throughout the corridors.
"Whut tha?"
Startled, Deadpool heads out of the control room and follows the screams to their source.
"Quiet! And come along" Evilax ordered as he dragged a young woman by her arm. She had medium length blonde hair and wore a long white jacket.
"Hold it!" Deadpool shouted. Evilax and the woman stop and turned round to face him "Woah – who's the babe?" Deadpool asked in delight upon seeing the woman.
"Fool! This is Doctor Thomson" Evilax revealed
"THAT'S DOCTOR THOMSON?!" Deadpool yelled in amazement "And why did nobody think to mention he was a she... and a sexually delicious one at that?" Deadpool asked
"Errh? Because it wasn't important" Evilax stated
"NOT IMPORTANT?! Geeeez and that hour long monologue about how you're a saviour and what you're doing is for the 'greater good' WAS?!" Deadpool mocked
"You can't be that shallow?" Voice B sighed
"You continue to over estimate me, hahahaah!" Deadpool
"Are we gonna hit that?" Voice A asks eagerly
"Oh abso-fucking-lutely! Mon ami" Deadpool assures
"Don't encourage him" Voice B pleads
"You're just like my Dad – he didn't encourage me either" Deadpool said solemnly
"Wow... just wow" Voice B
"Who are you talking to?" Evilax asked confused
"My brain" Deadpool answered casually pointing to his head "don't worry. I'm turning it off now"
Evilax and Doctor Thomson exchanged bemused looks, Evilax quickly refocused on Deadpool.
He jabbed his gun into Doctor Thomson's head "Drop your weapons! Or I'll shoot her!"
"P-please don't" Doctor Thomson whimpered
"Heh - yooou won't shoot her" Deadpool challenged assuredly
"Y-yes I will" Evilax reaffirmed, trigger hand shaking slightly. Doctor Thomson closed her eyes whilst whimpering prayers under her breath.
Deadpool scratched the back of his head whilst striking a casual pose "Naaah, you won't. If you shoot her, there will no longer be anyone to save you from an ass whoopin' of the likes the world has never seen!"
Evilax looked around and contemplated Deadpool's words "Then what do you suggest?"
"Well, my contract was to stop your missile. Check. And to rescue the good Doctor. In progress. Nothing about you sooo, you let the Doctor go and escape before the computer explodes and we're both happy"
"... you'll just – let me leave?"
"I promise I won't kill you" Deadpool says with right hand on heart and left hand raised to shoulder
"Hmph. How can I trust you?"
"You don't really have much of a choice. I will survive the explosion – you won't"
Evilax pondered for a moment, Deadpool started to sing the Jeopardy theme "Hmmmmm... he does have a point" Evilax muttered to himself
"I don't mean to rush you but, there is a countdown to an explosion so-" Deadpool urged
"Fine! Take her!" Evilax surrendered, throwing Doctor Thomson towards Deadpool whilst he started to run away.
"Psyche NobGoblin!" Deadpool shoots Evilax's legs as he catches Doctor Thomson
"Thank you" She said appreciatively
"You're welcome" Deadpool retorted
"You bastard!" Evilax spat, Deadpool peered over Doctor Thomson's shoulder "You said you'd let me go" Evilax questioned clutching his bloodied legs
"Correction. I said; I wouldn't kill you"
"What?!"
"And I'm not going to kill you but, I don't have to save you"
"But - you started this self destruct. You've condemned me to death!"
Deadpool shrugged "Whatever"
"You're not really going to leave him here, are you?" Doctor Thomson questioned concernedly
"Yep! If it's good enough for Batman® it's good enough for me" Deadpool justified turning his back on Evilax, Doctor Thomson glanced at Deadpool queerly
"What? Batman?" Evilax muttered bemusedly
"Dude. Seriously? Read a comic – watch a movie sometime" Deadpool suggested
"That's going to be hard, considering I'll be dead soon" Evilax exclaimed
"Oh yeah" Deadpool nonchalantly expressed with a slight laugh
"Ten" The female computer voice stated
"Huh?" Deadpool looked around sharply
"Nine" The Computer continued
"Shit!" Deadpool cursed
"How are we going to escape?" Doctor Thomson urgently asked
"Eight"
"Heh, heh, hah, ha it's a little comforting to know that you're going to get Doctor Thomson killed and fail your mission. Then you'll have to live with that for years hah, hah, haah!" Evilax taunted
"Shut the fuck up!" Deadpool looks around "Window"
"What?" Doctor Thomson questions "But we're like 20 stories up"
Deadpool shoots out window.
"Six"
Deadpool grabs Doctor Thomson by the hand and pulls her towards the window
"You cannot be serious?! How is falling to our deaths any better?!" she exclaimed panicked
"NOOOOOOO!" Evilax screams in protest
"Three"
Deadpool jumps out of the blown-out window and drags Doctor Thomson with him
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Doctor
"Oh. You're screaming. May I join you?" Deadpool asks politely "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
Explosion.
The building starts to collapse.
More explosions.
Deadpool cradles the Doctor.
Another explosion.
"Heh, this shit's starting to become a Michael Bay movie ha, ha, haah!" Deadpool jokes.
He flips round so he hits the ground and the Doctor uses him as a crash-mat.
One more explosion for good measure.
Deadpool hits the ground, his spine shatters and ribs cave in as Doctor Thomson uses him as a airbag. Deadpool passes out from the shock, pain and internal bleeding. Doctor Thomson rolls off of Deadpool's corpse and traumatically gazes around at the carnage. Only smouldering rubble remains of Evilax's tower. A tower she, mere moments ago, was being held hostage. She suddenly jolted and checked on Deadpool.
"D-Deadpool?" she says softly whilst poking him. He didn't respond. Moments pass as she sits on the grass in a catatonic state, trying to come to terms with the madness that had befallen her. Some odd sounds start coming from Deadpool's corpse as his body heals itself.
"...huerrrh, we made it. Cool" Deadpool says as he slowly sits up.
"Oh Deadpool. Thank you! Thank you so much!" Doctor Thompson joyously exclaimed, throwing her arms around him
"Uh? Sure. No problem. Ain't no thing" Deadpool said nonchalantly.
She lifted his mask to reveal his mouth and planted a BIG kiss on him. Deadpool was shocked but didn't stop her. Though he did find her a funny tasting girl. Like summer fresh washing powder and week old sweat?! He opened his eyes to find he was enjoying a game of tonsil hockey with his pillow.
"Figures," he mutters, as he sat-up and stretched "should of known that girls don't kiss me after I save them. Well, they might if I ever get to save a beautiful damsel in distress. *hint to the author* Heh, if only! Wait! Who am I talking to? Oh yeah. You guys who are reading this nonsense" he muses aloud "Welcome back to those that made it through my stint in The Avengers. If you're new, try out my first story... wait... I'm not plugging your shit!"
Author Darth Hel'eon "Well, you are technically plugging yourself so..."
"You are technically plugging yourself" Deadpool repeats in a mocking whiny British tone.
Author Darth Hel'eon "*sigh*"
Phone rings. Deadpool bounds across his room to the phone.
"Yo, yo, yo. Go for D-pool" he greets
"You are late Mister Wilson!" said a stern British female voice
"Oh – it's you... wait - late for what?"
"For work, Mister Wilson? I've given you over an hour and-"
"Da fuck?! It's not a 9 – 5 job. I work when there is a job available otherwise-" he contests
"Now you listen to me you Unicorn-fluffy-toy-fucking, little gobshite! Either you get your bloody arse down here or I will personally enjoy repeatedly castrating you with a spoon! A SPOON!" she threatens
"... oh I think I'm in love" he professed somewhat mockingly and somewhat aroused
"Piss-off you muppet! And get your arse here. NOW!" she dismissively orders before hanging up on Deadpool.
Next time:
- Who was the British Lady ordering Deadpool about?
- What job does he do/has he got?
- What happened to him since The Avengers dumped him?
All this and more in the next chapter.