A/N: Happy Easter, folks! I wrote this as a sort of apology, where I have been so blocked on the Equinox story. I hope you enjoy this little piece of fluff. I also have most of the next chapter of Partners Almanac done, so look for that, soon, too. Read and review! Thanks for all the patience and support!
Rating: MA for graphic sexual content
Spoilers: Dearly Beloved
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Dick Wolf. Their behavior in the following smut piece is all my fault. Oops.
NotOnce
Despite the years that kept slipping by – no matter how tightly Olivia tried to grasp them in her hands – she had never gotten comfortable with the silence at the end of the day. Even now, with a nearly six-year-old in the house, the quiet still came; after dinner, after the dishes were washed, homework was done and playtime was over, there was always a point when silence fell over their cozy little home.
It had changed, as the years went by, just as some of the faces had along with it – but the faces she missed were the same. It was those faces that Liv found herself visited by at the end of the Kitty Bennett case. Elliot's, in particular, a face that had come up less and less in the seven years since he had exited her life. Thinking of him no longer came with the sting or the aching anger that it once had, instead the reminiscences were bittersweet. She longed to pick up the phone and tell him about her son, or the cases when they were hard. Olivia wondered if Elliot's eyes would sparkle with that old, familiar pride, to see her being a mom.
Someone that was conceived by a monster.
Kitty's voice and her mother's voice entwined in her head, chasing her all the way across Serena's many years in the grave. Liv hadn't thought of that phone conversation in decades, but it had struck her square in the chest when Kitty had echoed them, sucking the wind out of her as though her mother's ghost had slipped icy fingers around her throat. Elliot would have known what to say – his stubborn insistence that Olivia had turned out perfectly, instead of doomed to live her father's life, had always been balm to her genetic wounds.
Noah was sleeping soundly, and Liv was leaving his bedroom doorway to face the quiet evening by herself. In the living room, she kept out only one photo of herself and Elliot, out of the many that had been snapped over the years. Stopping in front of it now, a smile ghosted the corners of her mouth as she remembered
And look how great you turned out
the sense of worth El had instilled in her, hoping that she would be able to pass it on to Noah when he was old enough to learn where he came from.
She was poised to drop onto the couch when a knock came at the door. With a sigh, Liv rerouted, checking the peephole. "Amanda!" she exclaimed, sliding her glasses off the bridge of her nose, "What are you doing here?"
Amanda's smile was radiant, and in one hand she held up a bouquet of lilies. "These are for you," she told Liv, the hint of a blush high on her cheeks.
"They're beautiful!" Liv grinned. "Come in, I'll get them some water."
Amanda shut the door behind them as Liv went into the kitchen.
"Noah asleep?"
"Uh, yeah," Liv called, "just. What about Jessie and Billie? Shouldn't you be at home?"
"They're alright - I asked my nanny to stay late."
"So what's the occasion?" Liv snipped stems with a pair of scissors and motioned for Amanda to sit at the bar.
"A wise woman once told me that sometimes we just need a little pretty."
She paused mid-snip and met Amanda's ice-blue eyes, which were warm and pleased. Liv blushed faintly and looked back down. "Thank you."
"How's Kitty doing? She gonna be alright?"
"She's workin' on it," Liv nodded. "Thinking about maybe keeping the baby. I told her to remember that it wouldn't be easy."
"Liv," Rollins said gently, "I didn't get the chance earlier to tell you . . . what your mother said . . . I'm so sorry. That's a terrible thing for anyone to have to hear, but from a parent?" She shook her head. "Awful."
"Yeah, well," Liv fussed with the flowers in the vase, "imagine if you had met her."
"Your mother obviously didn't know what she had, with you."
"Look, Amanda, you don't have to – "
"No, listen," she insisted, reaching out and placing a hand over Liv's, "I'm serious. Liv, you're the most amazing woman I know. If your mother couldn't see that, then I'm sorry, but it was her loss."
"I should be saying the same thing about Dr. Al, shouldn't I?" Liv smirked.
Amanda rolled her eyes and stood from the bar stool. "I didn't love Al. I just . . . I get confused, sometimes, about what I want." She continued to the couch and dropped unceremoniously onto the cushions.
Liv followed behind, and eyed Amanda with curiosity. "And what is it you've decided you want, Amanda?"
"Trust," the blonde said immediately. Then, "Friendship, emotional connection. Romance?" Amanda giggled, and Liv felt her pulse falter, then return at double-time.
"Al wasn't romantic?"
"When he wasn't hirin' hookers, y'mean?"
"Sex workers," Liv scolded. "But, I know what you mean. Things are too quiet at the end of the day."
"Liv, this job – " Rollins shook her head, exhaling tersely, "it's a blessing and a curse. I mean, I love it, I do, but it makes it hard to believe that we can ever have a normal relationship."
Olivia considered some of those faces she'd dredged up earlier: Cabot, Munch, Barba. There's more to life than SVU, her mentors had told her.
"Well . . . we work where things are dark," Liv said quietly, "it can be really hard, to invite other people into that darkness with you."
"Maybe I should reconsider the setup that Heath Barron had," Amanda mused, a wry smile twisting the corners of her mouth. "I mean, why not? We all fooled around in college, didn't we?"
Liv blinked quickly in surprise. "Is that what you did in college? I wouldn't think that would have been very common in Georgia."
Have you ever made love to a woman? Sadie Parker's voice in her head, like an echo. Oh, I . . . I know you want to.
"It's not exactly advertised," Rollins chuckled, "but it's there, like anywhere else."
Olivia felt the heat of a blush creep into her cheeks. It was one thing to sit in Interrogation and stay cool when Sadie Parker tossed words around. It was entirely another to do so on her own couch, with a woman that Liv had feelings for that were decidedly less straight-laced than anything she had felt in college.
You want someone who understands you. Your needs, your fantasies, your body.
Rollins sat back slightly, eyeing her Lieutenant with a mixture of surprise and amusement. "You . . . you never did, did you? Not once?"
Liv looked at her hands as her cheeks flamed hotter. "I was in a Sorority," she mumbled, "we spent most of our time chasing frat guys, I guess." She looked back up and met Amanda's stare. "Too busy for Sapphic encounters."
"Oh, please!" Rollins returned, laughing fully now, "Sororities are worse! All those pillow fights and girls' nights with booze and skimpy outfits? Wow, you sure did miss out."
Liv was as intrigued as she was embarrassed. Amanda had never talked openly about an attraction to women, and she had been in the squad for seven years. Not, of course, that she expected anyone to go about broadcasting their preferences . . . but after two pregnancies, and the office gossip that was unavoidable . . .
Olivia, on the other hand, was well-known for keeping her private life extremely private. After 12 years of quashing precinct rumors about herself and Elliot, she'd become an expert at ending office talk, and dodging questions. Hell – even Rafael hadn't known about her relationship with Tucker until she'd had no choice.
"The pillow fights are just a myth, you know," Liv confessed, and the indignation in her voice set Amanda laughing again. When the blonde was catching her breath, Liv spoke again: "Ok, so - you've had sex with a woman?"
Amanda shrugged. "I mean, I guess that depends on how we're defining sex?"
Liv gaped. "Are – are you wanting to go into great detail, or?"
"No, noo," she teased, "Delta Thigh Tricep wouldn't like that."
Liv's palms were clammy with a kind of nervous excitement she hadn't felt in years. Working sex crimes gave any sense of taboo a chaser of guilt for good measure, even when it wasn't necessarily something wrong. She wanted to stand up and pace the floor. She wanted a drink.
She wanted the answer.
"It was Phi Delta," Olivia said, chuckling at the ridiculousness of it all. She picked at an imaginary fuzz on the couch cushion, keeping her eyes lowered as she asked, "So who was it?"
"Who was who?"
"This woman you made love to."
"'Made love'?" Rollins repeated, "Oh. No. I wouldn't go that far." This also came as a surprise to Liv, as anything she allowed herself to imagine doing to Amanda could never be as vulgar as fucking, or as simple as just sex. "She was a friend; we took a couple of the same classes. We spent a lot of time studying together, and watching old movies.
"One night, we get home from a party, we ordered a pizza, got to talking . . . and one thing led to another, I guess." Rollins shrugged.
"What was her name?"
"Stephanie."
There was a quiet, electrified pause between the two women, then Olivia cleared her throat and asked huskily, "So?" Amanda tipped her head in a question, forcing Liv to specify, "How was it?"
The blonde giggled, and the sound sent goosebumps racing across the nape of Liv's neck. "It was a bit awkward, but I never regretted it. People always ask that question meaning, 'Did you like it more or less than sex with men?', but it's apples and oranges, y'know? The two aren't all that comparable, in my opinion."
"Yeah, but, nobody likes citrus as much as they like apples," Liv smirked. "There's always a clear favorite."
"I like sex with women . . . " Amanda drawled slowly, "and men."
Olivia was suddenly thirsty as hell, and got to her feet – nearly bolted to her feet. "Do you want wine?"
"Uh – sure," Amanda replied, watching her go to the kitchen. She studied the dark-eyed, older woman as she filled two wine glasses. The graceful lines of her neck, her hands, the curve of her breasts. Rollins licked her lips, forced herself to look away.
She took the glass that Liv offered to her as she rejoined her on the couch. "What about you?" Amanda pressed, "You gonna tell me that you've gone your whole life and never been hit on by a woman?"
"Oh, I didn't say that," Liv confessed. She thought of Babs Duffy trying to kiss her, years ago.
Do you ever get a gay vibe from me?
But more than that, she thought about Alex. Amanda Rollins wasn't the first blonde with balls of steel to ever cause Olivia's palms to sweat. The situation had just never seemed right for her to act on any attraction she'd had to women. Did that make her a coward?
"Mmhmm," Amanda hummed into her glass. "So, what? You just never wanted to test it out? Or was your momma cruel about women loving women, too?"
"My mother," Liv sighed, "was an English professor. She taught The Well of Loneliness, and she adored Virginia Woolf; I doubt she took issue with Lesbianism."
"So what is it?" Rollins asked again, her voice quieted as the night's hour covered them with a sense of intimacy.
Liv stared into the depths of her Merlot. "I . . . I'm not sure," she answered. "The timing just never seemed right. Or maybe I'm just a coward."
"That's not a word I'd use to describe you," Amanda chided. "That anyone would use to describe you."
"Maybe not in terms of walking into the middle of hostage situations, or dodging bullets," Liv agreed, "but the entire one-six would probably tell you otherwise, when it comes to matters of the heart."
Amanda took a large swallow of her drink, and placed the glass firmly on the coffee table. She cleared her throat and took a silent breath. "Well, did you want to . . . give it a try? With me?"
Liv just barely managed to avoid snorting red wine up her nose with the sharp breath she sucked in. "Amanda!" she exclaimed, but without ire. Eyes wide, she looked Rollins up and down, trying to assess if she was joking. "Are you . . . are you propositioning me right now?"
"Whoa, hey - I'm not askin' y'to take your pants off, Lieutenant " she protested. "Sometimes all it takes to figure somethin' out is a kiss, is all I'm sayin'."
"I . . . " Liv trailed off, flabbergasted. She looked into her wine again, as though it had changed into a crystal ball with answers. Swallowing hard, Olivia tried to make her desires fit with her job's position – with her friendship with Amanda.
Reaching out to place her wine glass on the coffee table, the older woman sighed. "Look, Amanda – I appreciate the offer, but I'm not sure this is the best idea . . . "
"You're probably right," Rollins nodded, "but, for what it's worth, I would never breath a word to anyone."
Silence fell between them again, the two women looking at each other across the sofa. Liv could almost taste her pulse, hammering away in her throat. When the silence swelled to the point she couldn't take it anymore, Liv cleared her throat and held up a finger that was lightly trembling.
"One," she said, "one kiss."
"Alright, but let me lead," Amanda grinned, "'cause it sounds like I'm the one with more experience."
Not wanting to give Olivia another chance to hesitate, Amanda leaned in immediately at the end of her sentence. She watched as Liv's eyes closed, both of them breathing shallowly. Then their lips touched, and taking inventory was swallowed up in the flash-fire that lit her every nerve ending. For Liv's part, the spark that hit was real, causing her to jump under the soft weight of the kiss and sigh uncontrollably.
Too many years spent making sure her sexuality was kept separate from the job, trying to keep the one from tainting the other. There were so many things that Olivia had learned not to feel, to push aside. Now she felt everything at once and decided it wasn't enough.
Not nearly enough.
As Amanda was pulling back to end their kiss, Liv's hand grabbed her by the shirt-collar, pulling the blonde back in, harder. The kisses grew longer, more exploratory, and Rollins put a hand to the back of Liv's neck. She let her weight press forward, and little by little, Liv stretched out beneath her until Amanda was over her. They were necking on the couch, like teenagers, and the thought got Liv giggling. She couldn't recall any other experience that had been quite so intense and joyful all at once.
"I'm pretty sure we've smashed the one kiss rule," Liv said quietly into the curve of Amanda's neck.
"Will you make it two, if I say 'pretty please'?" Rollins whispered, and Liv audibly gasped at the rush of moisture and blood that flooded the juncture of her thighs.
Taking that as her answer, Amanda kissed a warm line up her neck to her ear, where she took Liv's earlobe into her mouth. A roll of her weight nudged her knee into where Liv was throbbing, and the older woman cried out in surprise and red-hot desire.
"So, what's the verdict, Lieutenant?" Rollins smiled.
"I think we should investigate further," Liv replied, breathless.
"Oh? I thought you said you didn't want to take your pants off?"
"That's not quite what I said, Amanda."
The two women stumbled down the hall in hushed giggles, with fingers to their lips to ward off any chance of Noah waking. Amanda took off her jeans, sprawling out like an offering on Olivia's bed in a thong, bra and shirt. Nervous, Liv paused at the end of the bed, her bottom lip caught between her teeth.
"What is it?" Rollins asked from the halo of blonde hair that splashed over the bed.
"You're . . . my best friend, Amanda. What if I lose you?"
She sat up, reaching out to pull Liv closer by the hips. "Not gonna happen," she said softly. "I promise." Lifting Olivia's shirt over her head and off, the promise was sealed by a warm kiss to Liv's hip. "C'mere," Amanda whispered, and pulled her down on top of her.
They fit together in ways that Liv hadn't even thought to dream of; nothing seemed awkward or forced. It was wonderfully strange, the sense of intimacy that had never really happened with her experiences with men. Without warning, Olivia felt her breasts spill into Amanda's warm hands. She looked down, eyes wide.
"I didn't even feel my bra move!"
"Not my first rodeo, Lieutenant," Amanda smirked, following it up with a quick pinch to one of Liv's nipples.
Liv yelped, then moaned lightly, arching into the touch. With a push, Rollins turned them, pinning Liv to the bed and swooping in to capture the nipple in her mouth. She moaned at the feeling of Liv's fingers burying in her hair, and the nipple hardening under her tongue. Letting her hand travel down Liv's stomach, she opened the button and slid the zipper down, then teased the tips of her fingers just past the top of the underwear beneath.
Breaking the contact with Liv's chest, Rollins caught her gaze. "You doin' ok?"
"Yeah," she breathed, "I'm okay."
Nodding, Amanda slid her hand lower, her finger slipping between the folds there. She let out a loud moan, biting her lip when she remembered Noah, asleep in the next room. She dropped her head alongside Olivia's ear. "Jesus, you're so wet." Amanda circled Liv's clit with a fingertip, making Liv strain beneath her. Rollins looked at her again. "Can I . . . taste you?"
"Oh, God," Olivia bit out, "yes, Amanda. Please."
Rollins moved over her, pulling Liv's pants and underwear down and off together, then slid her hands up the inside of her thighs. Her thighs trembled as they opened on the bed, and she felt Amanda kissing softly where her hands had passed.
"You're beautiful," Amanda assured her quietly. She dipped her tongue into Olivia's heat, drawing slowly up over her clit, then taking it in as she had the nipple. She suckled gently, letting Liv writhe into it, paying attention to what she liked, what she wanted.
Letting it build, Rollins enjoyed herself: the clutch of Liv's fingers, the noises she made. Flicking her tongue, she brought her fingers up and teased two of them inside. "More?" she mumbled.
"Please."
Amanda let her fingers sink in to the second knuckle, holding them there in the throbbing, silky heat. She growled in pleasure, low in her throat, then drew her fingers back and slid them in faster. She could hear Liv, panting softly, and continued to speed up. Her other hand came up, covering Liv's clit with her thumb, rubbing quickly.
"Oh God," Liv panted, "oh fuck!"
"Come for me, Olivia," Amanda murmured.
The older brunette gasped, broke, shaking through a hard orgasm. Amanda's fingers never stopped, until Liv dropped back against the bed. Then, she stood up, removing her shirt, her bra and sliding her thong soundlessly to the carpet. Back on the bed, she propped herself on her elbows, smiling at Liv.
"That was fantastic," she told her. "How do you feel?"
"Nervous," Liv replied quietly.
Rollins frowned "Why? Did I – I do somethin' wrong?"
"No! No, no, no," Liv insisted. "It's not you, I just . . . I don't want to disappoint you. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing."
"It's not so bad to lose control sometimes," Amanda smiled. "It's okay. You're safe with me."
Taking a deep breath, Olivia reached for Rollins' wrist, pulling her back on top of her. This time, Liv was the one who went in for the kiss, deepening it and exploring. It felt good, it felt like they had been doing this for as long as they'd known each other. It made her dizzy in the most pleasant way, her skin covered with goosebumps.
She let her hands coast over the valley where the small of Amanda's back dipped, then over the curve of her ass, letting her fingernails scrape gentle lines there. Pleased when Amanda gasped and wriggled under the touch, Liv felt a sense of power growing, taking up the space where her nervousness had been. Urging Amanda to sit up, Liv softly cupped the weight of the blonde's breasts, brushing her thumbs across the nipples.
Amanda let her head fall back. "Liv . . . " she sighed. She took one of the hands in her own, sliding it down her torso and over the wiry curls of her mons. "Please."
Liv groaned at the soft, damp curls, followed by the swollen throb of Amanda's centre. "Amanda – God, you feel . . . amazing," she said breathlessly. She flicked, experimentally, against the hard ridge of Rollins' clit, then more firmly, faster. Liv uncurled her fingers, carefully pushing two of them inside and letting her thumb take over at the wet, swollen bundle of nerves.
"Fuck, oh!" Amanda cried, bucking against Liv's hand, "Yeah, yes . . . "
Excited, Olivia watched the breathtaking blonde as she rose and then sank back onto her fingers, mesmerized by the grace of it, by the powerful eroticism. Already pushed to the brink by making Liv come, Rollins came fast, grunting with the force of it, pushing down onto the fingers that filled her. She folded at the waist, kissing Liv with a giggle, pulling the two of them over in a tumble of limbs.
"Again?" she murmured, slipping a hand between Liv's thighs teasingly quick.
"Wait," Liv replied, extracting herself from their tangled embrace.
Amanda leaned up, watching curiously as Olivia dashed to her bedroom closet, digging for something. "Need a hand?" she chuckled. When Liv finally emerged from the shadows and turned around, Amanda's mouth dropped open in a shocked, round 'o'.
A strap-on dangled from Liv's left hand.
Amanda licked her lips. "So, uh . . . I have a couple'a questions."
"I thought you would," Liv grinned.
"You said you've never done this before."
"I haven't," Liv confirmed.
"Well, that tells me more about Cassidy than I ever wanted to know," Amanda grimaced, tilting her head.
"What? God, no!" Liv exclaimed. "No, I just . . . I said I had never had sex with a woman," she grinned. "Doesn't mean a girl doesn't have daydreams."
Amanda raised an eyebrow. "Daydreams? C'mere, Lieutenant." Olivia stepped to the end of the bed, letting Amanda help her into the harness and tighten the straps. "So, tell me about these dreams," she smirked, wrapping one hand around the thick cock that was now at eye-level.
The harness shifted, rubbing her in all the right places as Liv slowly knelt between Amanda's knees at the bed's edge. She pulled her close with both arms hooked beneath the blonde's legs, and took in a trembling breath as she looked at the glistening, engorged evidence of Amanda's pleasure. Using just her tongue, she spread Amanda open, long, wide strokes that swirled over and around her clit. In an effort not to scream, Rollins bit into the mount of her thumb as her hips and pelvis quaked under Olivia's mouth.
Liv took her straight to the edge of her second orgasm, leaving her there and getting back to her feet. Pulling Amanda again by the thighs, she got her to wrap her legs around her hips, positioning the cock at Amanda's entrance with shaking hands. "Is this okay?" she whispered.
"Yes," Amanda nodded emphatically, trying to urge her hips and pussy even closer. "Fuck me, Liv."
She took a deep breath and filled Amanda, inch by inch, intoxicated with the power of giving her so much pleasure. Together, the two women pushed and thrust from the hips, Liv's eyes alternating between where she was filling her, and Amanda's face.
"Oh, G – " Amanda swallowed what would have been a shout, replacing it with a grunt, caught between her teeth.
The sound of it drove Liv to free one of her hands, pushing it between the harness and her pelvis. She stroked herself roughly, following Amanda over the edge, panting for air. Olivia crashed onto the bed next to the gorgeous blonde, smiling between gasps.
"Not bad for a rookie, huh?" Liv quipped.
"A hell of a lot better than my first time," Amanda nodded.
With a light, easy laugh, Olivia turned so she could kiss her again. "Amanda," she said softly, "that was incredible."
"Mm," the Southern belle grinned, "likewise."
"Thank you."
"What are best friends for?"
As Liv buried her nose in the curve of Amanda's neck, she realized that there was more than friendship on her mind. Much more.