I feel so confused! I can't do anything right! I always end up doing something to screw things up!
I am so obsessive and i get so stuck in my thoughts sometimes. How can i get so stuck on someone who has never showed any inclination of reciprocating my feelings? Well maybe they did in my head. Are my feelings real at all anyway. He seemed so perfect but i don't know if that was real or it's is just something i have made up in my head. I can see myself with him, it feels like we are meant to be together. He said, "You innoyed the hell out of me your clingyness drove me away."
Pathetically all that says to me is that he was interested and he DID like me but then i went and screwed it all up. Or maybe he was using me all along and decided to come up with an excuse for why he could never commit. Really though why bother? When there is no reason to commit when he has given you nothing and you have already folded and went all in on the table. I have wasted a year on this obsession. How could i be so stupid and niaeve. He may not have been the best looking of the family but to me he is the only one in the world and my only focus. Even if he was in a horrible accident tomorrow which changed him into a grotesque beast it wouldn't matter for i know the man he is. The most endearing feature he has is his eyes you can't look away.
In my eyes this man has no faults no shortcomings. Obviously except his view of myself and his lack of commitment. I was ready to accept his family and everything that comes along with it. I feel as if nothing is real and he is just an obsession. MAybe i don't know him at all, maybe i am being stupid. All i can think to do is change myself maybe if i was prettier maybe if i was skinnier somehow more attractive. I have always wanted him to open up his heart to me when no one else has really been able to do so. He must be right i can;t get him to open up his heart to me. Maybe one day he can find someone who can do that for him and make him happy. If i can be aware of this turning point in his life i will be happy. Simply because he is happy i can deal with him being with her. Maybe.