The rain had soaked him through, but he barely felt it pelting him any more. He'd be surprised if it wasn't steaming off of him like he was a bloody kettle. Sodding idiot. He chastised himself for the millionth time that evening. He felt so empty, so utterly devoid of rational thought. Out of control…
He had panicked, obviously, but it felt like more than that. He ran gnarled hands through his graying hair with disdain. Graying…
She couldn't be with him, he had been an idiot from the start to think of allowing that. Sod all that bloody feminist shit. He needed to control this beast inside himself and he couldn't do that with her around insisting it was all okay… It wasn't okay… it hadn't been the first time they hooked up, it hadn't been the countless other times. This wasn't for him. This love. The universe did not create creatures like him so that they could fall in love. The universe, in it's perverted sardonic way, created creatures like him to create more creatures like him, so more poor saps had to suffer his exact situation.
I hurt her… "better in her mind than physically" he muttered to himself. Better not at all. He hissed his frustration, looking up to the sky, rain pelting his tired eyes. When had it gotten light out? Exhaustion hit him in one go, his knees shook and he stopped walking.
He was in Muggle London, everyone had somewhere to be here. Hustling past him, grasping umbrellas and paper cups filled with their will to live. He didn't belong here either, he had nowhere to go, he had no cup. He moved toward a back alley and disapparated with a pop.
He loved her, he didn't think he could love any being more than he loved her. That was the problem. He felt her even when she wasn't near. He closed his eyes and felt his hand in hers, her breath on his bare chest. He felt her joy, her pain. He closed his eyes and saw her face crumbling as he had snapped those words at her. "We need to end this. This has all been a mistake. Don't look for me."
He had said those words to her, or something like them, too many times. This had been different. He hadn't just said them to her this time. He had said them to her and the child she carried. The child he had cursed her with. He'd felt the difference the moment they had passed through his lips.
How many times had she come back with this better be the last time? How many times had he broken down and come back. He was weak. Weaker than he ever thought he could be. Only for her. Only for the beautiful, lithe, clumsy, lovely Nymph that was his Dora.
Coward. He was a coward.
He stood on the front stoop of their house, staring at the door. His feet had brought him back to where he needed to be. He squeezed his eyes shut, searching for the answer. What was right here? It was better he just leave. He knew that off the bat. He knew they would both be safer without him. His parent's words echoed through his skull. Crashed against the walls of his head. Banging fists against his temporal lobe. Still…
His hand rested on the handle, and he opened silently. He stepped into the kitchen and was assaulted by the smell of her tears. The wolf inside him bristled and he hated it. Shame welled in his chest, making him stop two steps into the house.
"You really fucked this one up didn't ya?"
Remus jerked with surprise and raised his head. Sirius stood in his kitchen, wearing black jeans and token black leather jacket. He was leaning against the counter, ankles crossed, arms crossed. His head was tilted back and his eyes were closed. Keys and motorcycle helmet sat neatly beside him on the counter. He was the epitome of relaxed and it really pissed him off.
Remus bit back a growl, a quick wave of his wand placed a silencing spell over the room. "I don't need this right now Sirius."
Sirius cracked an eye lid and his eye swiveled to meet his soaking wet and disheveled form, studying him briefly.
"Mate," he started, pushing himself off the counter in one languid motion, "this is exactly what you need right now."
The faint sound of Nymphadora sniffling, turning on the radio, and starting the shower upstairs cut the tense silence that followed. It was obvious she knew he was downstairs, or she wouldn't have tried to hide her noise. Sirius breathed out a heavy sigh and opened the cupboard, producing two crystal tumblers and a dust blanketed bottle of fire whiskey. He scowled as he wiped the dust off and poured two doubles with a precision gained only with a great deal of experience.
"You really are thick Moony. Sure you make out like you're the level-headed professor but you're worse than the rest of us." He pushed the glass towards him and Remus grabbed it with a scowl. The music filtered down the stairs and Sirius let out a low groan.
"Laura fucking Marling, you really hurt her didn't you? You realize she's my cousin right? Nothing good ever comes from Laura fucking Marling."
"I KNOW Padfoot!" Remus growled downing the drink and helping himself to another.
Sirius cocked an eyebrow at him before leaning on the table in front of him, "do you though?" he snapped, he jutted a finger up in the air "that bird up there is the best thing that could ever happen to you and you risk losing her every time you push her further away. Remus, this isn't some hook up from the pub the night before last that you're trying to string along, this is your mate. She's the one positive thing that might come from your lycanthropy and you can't get it through your thick head that this might be something good for once."
Remus dropped his head, "I know Sirius… but"
"-but you couldn't dare risk her safety for your own sodding happiness!" Sirius finished for him. "You're being a bloody idiot." he added, not so helpfully.
"If I hurt her..."
"You won't! She's the least likely person for Moony to go after, and she's an Auror for fucks sake, not only that but she's a Black-" he was counting on his fingers now.
"-so naturally reckless"
"So naturally well trained." Sirius bit back, he held up his hand and counted off another finger, "and younger, more spry, able to put up with your old crotchety self… somehow." he stopped for a second and looked at his hands "Mmm that should count for two..." he mumbled holding up another finger.
"too young!" Remus spat.
"Perfectly young. We were reckless as kids Remus, we were, even then no one got hurt and it was an even playing ground. Now you're older and she has the upper hand, she's quick, she can read you like no one else can, not to mention you have the potion now" Sirius plied.
Remus fumed silently, using the drink as an excuse to not look at his oldest friend. He rotated the base of the glass on the table. Singing filtered over the sound of the shower and the radio, and he felt his heartache amplify with it. It was as beautiful as it was full of heart break.
Sirius whistled lowly in appreciation, "fucking song bird." he held up his last finger before pulling his hands through his thick black hair and sliding a kitchen chair towards him. He leaned back like he used to back his his Hogwarts days. A picture of nonchalance. McGonagall would have wrapped his knuckles. He fished a smoke out of his pocket and lit one before offering Remus the pack.
Remus grabbed one before he thought better of it, lighting it in a smooth, practiced motion. He took a drag and shut his eyes for a moment, letting out a low moan as the nicotine hit his system.
"You're going to hurt you both if you leave. Not just you. You're her mate too, werewolf or not. If you're so scared of hurting her, you better man up and figure this out. This isn't Moony hurting her here Remus, this is you." Sirius stated slowly.
Remus snapped his eyes open and examined his friend's form, Sirius was hunched over his his drink, swirling the liquid in his glass gently. He looked up when he felt his gaze on him and met Remus' eyes with a steady look.
"You're going to have a kid Moony."
Fear crept its way down his spine again. It felt like gravity was pushing him towards the ground with the weight of that sentence.
"I know, scary ain't it? We both had shit fathers though, so you can't be worse than either of those rotten old bastards." Sirius chuckled.
"I- I don't know if I can do this Padfoot..." Remus mumbled quietly. It was the first time he had spoken it out loud without mentioning his furry little problem and shame welled up in his throat.
"I can't support them. If for some reason she couldn't work I couldn't guarantee security." Remus met Sirius' eyes with his own and pulled a stressed hand though his hair.
Sirius blew a hard sigh out of his nose, "you know she comes from old money and she's got a career, even if it's not the most safe path to be on… She obviously loves what she does."
Remus nodded and Sirius continued "but-" he hedged, "you're the man of the relationship, and you're in and out of work so often it's hard to keep track of which place is giving you your current pay cheque. So if anything were to happen to her..." He shook his head,
"Mate I reckon everyone has these fears, not just you. Hell James had them. When it comes down to it, you'll just do it. I know you will."
Remus took a drag of his almost spent smoke and savored the calming feeling it pulled from his tense body. "How do you know?"
Sirius shrugged a small smile spreading across his face, "I don't. Not for sure. But I know you mate, I've dueled you, even when it's time for you to give up you don't. That's you Remus. You're going to be fine if you just embrace this. You know you want to, I can see it in your face. Every time I mention her your eyes go soft. This isn't some bird you brought home from the pub. This is your mate."
Remus closed his eyes with a sigh, purposefully trying to slow his heart rate, "when did you become so wise, mate?" he asked putting out the cigarette.
Sirius barked a laugh, "Practice." he stated with a wink, "had to do the same thing with James." he admitted, tossing his black hair from his eyes.
Remus chuckled lowly and tossed his drink back and Sirius did the same, placing the tumbler on the kitchen table and glancing at his friend with a questioning look. The sound of the shower turning off upstairs cut the silence. The music got louder.
"You going to bail on her again?" Sirius asked finally.
Remus shook his head.
Sirius' eyebrows popped up, "promise?"
"Yeah."
"Because you owe it to her you know. she's been so strong through all of this and you've been shit so far. This was your one fuck up."
"I promise Padfoot."
"And how are you going to make it up to her?" He asked a wicked smile spreading across his face.
"Groveling, lots of groveling and some other things that are none of your business." Remus answered mirroring his friend's smile.
Sirius smacked him on the back, "best get to it. Congratulations mate!" he stated, gray eyes sparkling, he grabbed his bike keys and helmet off of the counter and crushed him in a one armed hug that smelled like cigarettes and leather before exiting the house.
Remus took a deep breath and glanced to the ceiling where he could hear her sitting on the bed. Steeling himself he made his way up the stairs.
Hours later they descended the stairs in search of a snack. His chest felt like it was going to burst with contentment as he watched the bubble gum pink hair bob down the stairs in front of him. All of his worries had flooded away when he had seen her crumpled form sitting on the bed and suddenly his only reason for life was to hold her up and never let her fall ever again.
They entered the kitchen and she turned to smile at him, giving him her best scallywag eyes as she wrinkled her nose, "you were smoking!" she accused holding up a finger and poking him in the chest.
"One smoke." he admitted, "probably my last one" he stated.
"It better be" she shot back in a mock growl before skipping off to the fridge. She wrapped herself tighter in his old t-shirt as she opened the door, and gave him a delightfully naughty view of her bare ass. She pulled out sandwich fixings, stopping to pull the pickles out from deep in the fridge.
He smiled as she scowled at the bottle of pickled onions she had in her other hand, she hated them, he loved them. She turned and moved the fixings to the table and he brought down a few plates from the tall cupboard she couldn't reach. When he turned back around she was stopped and staring at the table.
"How come there are two tumblers?" she asked, a frown tweaking her forehead.
Remus smiled sadly, "Sirius came and talked some sense into me" he stated truthfully, staring at the empty glass standing beside the still full one.
Tonks blinked, then sent him a wry smile. She walked over to him as he worked to keep a small blush at bay. He wrapped an arm around her as she got close and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.
"Well he did a good job" she said quietly, "that cousin of mine."
Remus made a mmm of agreement and held her flush with him, relishing in how perfectly they fit together, how warm she was, and her sweet smell. She smelt like a calming drought of crushed mint leaves and sunshine. She nuzzled her nose under his ear and placed a soft kiss there. He held her even more tightly as tears prickled his eyes.
"I miss him too" she whispered as he rested his forehead on hers took a deep breath.
Thanks for reading!