PLEASE READ! This is somewhat important!
This oneshot is part of what I call the "License Plate Game". My friends and I play it, and what you basically do is look at license plates, and based on the letters on the plate, you make up crack pairings, and sometimes you even see real pairings. There are a few extra rules for letters that don't really have a Hetalia country to work with, like X, or W. If I have to, I'll explain the rules, but I don't have to for this oneshot.
So anyway, sometimes we see license plates that have pure and undiluted crack, such as the one that inspired this oneshot: BJP. Belarus, Japan, and Prussia. My friend challenged me to make it work, and here it is, a story which has Belarus, Japan, and Prussia, though not in a relationship with each other. Enjoy!
Matthew was enjoying some quality time with his boyfriend on their couch when Alfred suddenly burst through the door and into the room.
"Maaatt!" he shouted. "I need your help to UGH!" Alfred's sentence was cut off when he saw his brother lip locked with the former Kingdom of Prussia.
"Oh, Alfred!" a bright-red Matthew exclaimed as he and Gilbert broke apart and he tried to smooth his clothes back into place. "What brings you to Canada, eh?"
By now Alfred was glaring at Gilbert, as if he could destroy him through wishing alone.
"How many times do I have to tell you that you don't have my permission to be seeing my brother?" Alfred shot at Gilbert, who snorted in reply.
"And I keep telling you, I don't need your permission to do anything," he declared, putting his arm around Matthew again, possessively. Alfred opened his mouth to reply, but Matthew beat him to it.
"Alfred, didn't you need help with something?" Alfred suddenly remembered his current predicament and collapsed pathetically on Matthew's couch.
"It's horrible!" he exclaimed miserably.
"What happened?" Matthew asked. Alfred fidgeted nervously on the couch, his face turning red.
"It's a little embarrassing," he admitted. "Promise me you won't tell anyone?"
"Promise."
"You have to promise you won't laugh, either."
"I won't."
Alfred took a deep breath.
"Hungary secretly filmed me with somebody." Matthew blinked in surprise.
"She did?" Gilbert asked. "But she only films gay guys screwing each other." Alfred's blush intensified.
"No way," Matthew said. "You're in a relationship?" Alfred nodded. Well, that sure explained a lot. Like why Alfred had let down greatly on his threats to separate the two lovers.
"Who'd put up with you?" Gilbert asked incredulously. Alfred's blush defied normal skin tone and got redder still.
"You promised not to laugh," he reminded his brother. Matthew nodded. Alfred took a deep breath before finally admitting the identity if his mystery lover. "It's Russia."
Gilbert immediately started laughing.
"Asshole!" Alfred shrieked. "You promised not to laugh!"
"Mattie promise not to laugh," Gilbert corrected.
"Don't call him by nicknames!" Alfred shouted. "You're not allowed to be his lover!" Smirking, Gilbert pulled Matthew even closer.
"You needed help, right?" Matthew interjected again, trying to prevent a possible argument.
"I need help getting that video back!" Alfred yelled.
"Why don't you just ask Russia to get it back for you?" Matthew asked. "He's pretty scary, he could probably get that video back from Hungary." Alfred shook his head vehemently.
"No!" he yelled. "Russia absolutely cannot find out about the video! He'll be so pissed! I don't want Hungary to get hurt!"
"You should tell Russia," Gilbert insisted. "If someone finally gives her crap about all the crap she does, then maybe she'll stop following people around trying to pry into their sex lives."
Alfred suddenly brightened.
"I just had a brilliant idea!" he said happily. "You can do it!"
"Do what?" Gilbert asked suspiciously.
"You know Hungary pretty well, better than I do, anyway, so you can go get that video from her!"
"No," Gilbert said immediately. "No way I'm risking my life to get your stupid sex tape back!"
"Don't call it that!" wailed Alfred. Gilbert suddenly stood up, pulling Matthew up with him.
"Much as I'd love to help," he announced sarcastically, "We've got a reservation we have to get to." With that, Gilbert and Matthew left the house (Alfred still shouting that they didn't have his permission to go on a date) and got in the car. Gilbert drove off.
"What reservation were you talking about, anyway?" asked Matthew.
"We don't have one," Gilbert admitted. "I was just sick of Alfred. But I am hungry. Let's go eat."
The next day, Gilbert was on his morning jog when Alfred suddenly burst forth from some bushes. He started jogging next to Gilbert, panting to keep up with the older man's pace.
"So, about that favor," he began.
"Not gonna do it," Gilbert answered before putting on a burst of speed and running off.
Later that day, while Matthew was at work, Gilbert went to the grocery store. He picked a bottle if maple syrup off the shelf to find Alfred staring at him through the newly created hole from the other aisle.
"Please, Prussia?"
"No!"
And after he got his oil changed, when he was driving home, Alfred suddenly popped up from the backseat.
"Pleeeease?"
Gilbert jumped in surprise (and no, he wasn't scared) and banged his head on the roof of the car.
"Fuck, Alfred, for the last time, no! And get the hell out of my car!"
"Please do this for me! I'll give you anything you want!" Alfred wailed.
"You don't have anything I want," Gilbert answered.
"I'll give you and Matt my blessing!"
There was a short pause.
"I don't need your fucking blessing. I do whatever I want. And if I want to be with Mattie, I'll do it, with or without your damn blessing."
"But it'll make Matt happy."
Gilbert was silent.
"You know how much it would mean to him. I'll even talk to Iggy and try to win him over. Can you imagine how happy Matt would be if his whole family approved of you?" Alfred could tell, just by the look on Gilbert's face that he had won.
"You're not going to leave me alone until I say 'yes', are you?"
"Nope!"
"Fine," Gilbert spat out. "I'll get your fucking sex tape back from Elizaveta."
"Yay!" Alfred cheered and threw his arms around Gilbert.
"GET OFF ME YOU ASSHOLE, I'M STILL FUCKING DRIVING!"
After calling to let Matthew know what he was doing, Gilbert got on a plane to Budapest, dreading Elizaveta's frying pan the whole time. Eventually, he got to her house and was left standing on the porch.
"The awesome me is not afraid of that frying-pan-wielding bitch," he muttered to himself before finally ringing the doorbell. She quickly answered.
"Prussia! Did you finally bring your cute boyfriend to make videos for me?" she squealed in excitement.
"No," he answered, enjoying the disappointed look on her face. "But I do need something from you. That tape you got of Russia and America."
Elizaveta frowned.
"Why would you want that?" she asked. "Wouldn't that be awkward to watch with Canada? I mean, it is his brother. I think that'd put him out of the mood." Gilbert flushed.
"That's not why I want it," he clarified. "America just doesn't want that tape out and he's too much of a loser to get it back himself. So can I have it?"
"Well," began Elizaveta. "The thing is, I don't have it anymore."
"Why not?" Gilbert asked.
"Well, I'm not really a Russmerica shipper, I much prefer Rochu myself." Elizaveta chose to ignore the confused look on Gilbert's face. "I actually filmed that for someone else. They have it."
"So who has it?"
"Japan," Elizaveta admitted.
"Really?" asked Gilbert in surprise. "I had no idea he was into that." Elizaveta laughed.
"Where have you been?"
"Whatever," Gilbert said. "Thanks for your help, I'm gonna go get that tape back."
And with that, Gilbert left Hungary's house and boarded a plane for Tokyo.
Gilbert arrived at Kiku's house in a record bad mood. He hated airplanes and the long flight to Asia was a particularly unbearable one for him. He finally arrived at Kiku's house and knocked on the door, nearly punching straight through. A trembling Kiku answered the door.
"Hungary-san already called me about the tape. I have it for you." Grateful that things were finally going his way, Gilbert brightened considerably and followed Kiku into his house. Kiku had just placed a wrapped VHS tape in Gilbert's hands when they heard a loud ruckus that sounded as if someone had just broken down the door. A moan rose from the wreckage as if the person was being murdered slowly.
"Somebody has a video of my brother with someone who isn't me!"
Kiku and Gilbert froze at the voice every country was terrified of.
"Belarus!" they both cried out in terror. Kiku grabbed a katana off the wall.
"Take the tape and run, Prussia-san! I'll hold her off!" Kiku declared grimly before unsheathing his sword and taking a battle stance. Prussia clutched the tape to his chest and ran out the back door as the sounds of an epic battle followed from upstairs. But not because he was scared, or anything.
After his epic quest to get back Alfred's porn, Gilbert finally arrived home where Alfred and Matthew were sitting on the couch drinking coffee.
"Here's your porn back," he said tiredly, tossing the tape into Alfred's lap.
"Thanks, Prussia!" Alfred sang out before leaving their house. Gilbert collapsed on the couch next to Matthew, who hugged him and started to rub the tension out of his shoulders.
"Gilbert, thanks for doing something so nice for my brother."
"No problem," Gilbert replied weakly. Matthew smiled at him devilishly.
"I think after all that trouble you really need a back massage. And a nice, long shower," he purred into Gilbert's ear. Gilbert perked up.
"Good idea."
Alfred hummed as he entered his bedroom, finding Ivan sitting on the edge of their bed.
"Hey, Ivan."
"Did your plan work?"
"Yep," Alfred answered. "Not only was I able to give Matt and Prussia my blessing without letting them know that I actually wanted to, but I also got us a high-quality, homemade porno," Alfred announced, waving the tape cheerfully. Ivan grinned.
"We should watch it then, da?"
The End