I don't know why I thought this needed to be written, but it was sort of glossed over about how Neal reacted to having Mozzie being shot.
Warning: Talk of suicide
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Jiggling the doorknob once more Mozzie let his shoulders slump before he turned and left. It was the fifth time in as many days that he had attempted to see his friend only to be turned away. That was right. He wasn't turned away he was completely ignored.
At first he had thought that the younger man was just being held up on some 'case' by the Suit. It was exactly like him to do that and then claim he was 'protecting' Neal. Because in his mind as long as the forger was busy he was completely safe.
One would think that after so many years of basically being his stalker he would understand the more basic aspects of Neal Caffrey. Like the fact that he was good at multitasking. He could be doing whatever he was being told to do while his mind was on something totally different.
No matter how easy it was to underestimate the kid that was the last thing a person should do. If he knew that someone thought he was dim in anyway than he was going to resent them and do something amazingly stupid to prove them wrong.
Mozzie had been on the receiving end of that more than a few times when they first met. He was used to being the brains of the operation and then a kid came along trying to tell him what to do. It was ridiculous in his mind.
Then Neal had pulled the con off his way without help from anyone else and almost got killed for it. After that he had started to listen to him a little more. If only to stop him from actually getting murdered.
That was no way for men like them to go out. They were supposed to get enough money to buy an island and live into old age with someone by… And even thinking that he knew that he sounded completely delusional.
They didn't get happy endings. They might never get an ending at all. If all went to plan then they'd disappear into the night with no one knowing if they were dead or alive or anything in-between. They'd be wanted and sought after for the rest of time.
That was always his dream at least. He liked thinking that he was leaving mysteries wherever he went. That there would be rooms filled with files of his exploits and no one would be able to connect them together.
Neal was different from him. For as much as he loved being a thief he had bigger dreams. He wanted the white picket fence life. He wanted a wife, two point five kids, and a dog. He wanted a normal life.
A part of Mozzie was rooting for the man to get just that. He might not want that life for himself or really believe that anyone who had that life was happy, but it wasn't just anyone that wanted it. It was Neal.
The younger man deserved to have the best. He had never told the man, but he truly was one the best people that he had ever met. It didn't matter that he was a criminal he was still a good man through and through. And he wanted him to be happy.
That was where Kate came in. Truthfully he had never been a huge fan of the woman. He just knew that she was up to something was going to drag Neal down with her. Not that that conversation didn't end in a fight.
When it came to her the forger was blind. He didn't see that she was just too calm and calculating to have never been in the game before. To him she was the person that he was going to spend the rest of his life with.
Mozzie, on the other hand, saw her as the person that got off on watching the younger man run around like a chicken with its head chopped off trying to please her. Even when the things she demanded could potentially hurt him.
His friend was head over heels for her though. Not surprising considering just how deeply the man felt about pretty much everything. It was never simple with Neal. He didn't con for the sake of conning. He did it because he felt something for what he was going after.
Whether it was art or people or anything in-between. He had to feel something true before he was able to play his roll convincingly. Mozzie might have used that against him once or twice when it matter, but with Kate it was every time she showed her face.
At first the con had actually been a little jealous of their love. That was until he saw just how little Neal mattered to the woman. After that he was stuck attempting to keep Neal from making stupid mistakes just because she told him to jump.
Even with all of that though he had wanted his friend to be happy. If that was with Kate then he was going to be right by his side trying to pull him back, but he'd still be happy-esque. Then she was murdered.
To him the loss of her only hurt because of how devastated his friend was and he was completely shattered. He had never seen someone so broken. He had also never hated someone as much as he hated her after she died.
After that he had started to spend most of his time in the loft. At least he did after the man got out of prison once more. Another thing that he would never forgive the Suit for. The idea of Neal being alone for any amount of time was one that actually scared him.
It wasn't that he thought the kid would do something he might regret. It was that he knew Neal well enough to know that thinking was not high on his to-do list. So he made it so that his friend wasn't alone when he wasn't 'working'.
In those few months after the explosion he had gotten rather friendly with the man's home. He knew where everything was, including some of the more genius hiding places. He had even been given his own key, not that he used that.
Almost every single night he would wait until Neal finally gave into his own tiredness and went to bed. Then he would fall onto the couch and catch an hour or two of sleep. After that it was being woken up because of the other man's nightmares.
Neal was rarely vocal at those points in time. He didn't yell out for the woman or anything like that. No, he'd twist and turn trying to break free of whatever he was dreaming of while the most pathetic whimpers left him.
After the first night of listening to that Mozzie had broken and climbed into bed with his friend. The rest of the night he spent attempting to calm Neal down as he held onto him as if he was going to disappear as well.
It had taken him awhile before he finally felt okay with the idea of leaving his friend alone. Alright, it had been more than awhile, but he had seemed to be doing better. Like he was finally thinking with his brain instead of his heart.
He was still broken, but he was a lot better than he had been to start. Mozzie had actually started to think that maybe everything would be fine. It wasn't as if the universe could deliver anymore blows. Expect it did.
He still couldn't believe he had been shot. It almost felt as if it happened to a different person in a way. Like he had been looking from the outside in. Until he was looking at the scar he could almost forget it was him that had gotten hurt.
That had been the scariest thing that had ever happened to him and he was suddenly very glad that he had given up the idea of carrying a gun a long time ago. He didn't need to have one of those in his life anytime soon.
What he did need was something he already had. Neal. He couldn't believe just how lucky he was to have him as a friend. The kid had done everything for him while he was healing and he did mean everything.
As soon as he was well enough to leave the loft though that changed. The forger pulled away from his so quickly it wasn't even funny. In the span of a day he went from seeing him every day to never. He couldn't even get him to answer a simple text! He just vanished.
Except that he didn't. It wasn't as if he could just leave without cutting the anklet and that was something that he would have heard about. Anyway he still heard about him from both June and Elizabeth.
Add that to the fact that Mozzie still saw the man walked around sometimes. Okay, so he didn't so much randomly see him as he had started to stalk him, but he really couldn't be faulted for that. Neal might run but he never disappeared.
That in and of itself was a pretty big clue that something bigger was going on. Something that made him pull out all the stops to keep track of the kid. He had to find out when was going on and tracking was the best way that he knew how.
The only problem was that he only saw Neal at a distance. That far away he looked perfectly fine. He probably looked perfectly fine up close as well. That was the problem with being a grifter. You could fake it better than anyone.
Unless the person was your best friend and had practically trained you. Then it was best to keep your distance so that person never tried to look for any tells. And Neal had a pretty big one if you knew what to look for.
It was all in his eyes. Once you were looking into his eyes then Mozzie could see what was really going on in his mind and his heart. Something that the younger man knew. So he was avoiding him. He needed to fix that before it was too late.
"Mozzie," someone suddenly greeted.
Looking over he saw the Suit walking up to him. It took everything in him not to turn the other way and vanish. He would never get used to having a fed know his name. The things he got into because of Neal never failed to shock him.
"Suit," he responded his eyes automatically darting around to look for anything or anyone suspicious, "What are you doing here?"
"I think I found a break in the case we're working on," the fed offered stopping in front of him on the street, "It's only 10. Neal's still awake right?"
"I don't know."
"You don't know? How do you not know?"
"The door to his place was locked and he didn't respond when I knocked."
"You knock? Wait. Why do you care if it was locked? I didn't think locked doors could stop you."
"No door can."
"Then why aren't you with Neal?"
"Because he knows a door can't stop me and he still locked it. Look, Neal… How has he been lately?"
"He's Neal. He's still not the Neal that he was before the whole Kate thing, but I think he's a lot better than he was. He's smiling more and joking around to joke and not to distract. He's eating lunch with the team again. He's fine."
"He's not fine."
"Moz, I think I know..."
"You don't."
"I spent three years..."
"I know. I was there. With him. Listening to him talk about anything and everything. Teaching him all that he knows. Bailing him out when got in over his head. Stitching him up when he fell. That was me. You think that you know him because you spent a few years tailing him and learned his shoe size? You couldn't even tell me how old he is!"
The Suit stared at him with wide eyes causing him to sigh. It wasn't often that he lost it when talking to people, but he was worried about his friend and the other man dismissed as if he knew better. He should know by now that no one knew Neal better than Mozzie did.
"Suit," he started again sounding calmer than before, "Something is wrong with Neal. I know it."
"Okay," the man agreed nodding his head and looking towards the front door, "But if you think something is wrong why let the lock stop you? Why not just break in?"
"It's a thing that we do."
"A thing?"
"I'm sure you know just how easily Neal can break into a place."
"It's come up. I'm sure you had something to do with that."
"Allegedly. Once you know how to get into locked places that's exactly what you want to do. You forget about privacy and the fact that sometimes people want to be left alone. Early on we made a rule that if we were behind a locked door we'd knock. If there was a response then it was fine to pick the lock. If not then the person is left alone."
"I can see where that would make sense in your world. Look, Mozzie we only get along because of Neal. Other than that we aren't really friends. You don't trust me and I don't trust you. Neal is the thing that keeps us from going after the other. Am I right?"
"Yes."
"Then I hope you remember that when I say this."
"Say what?"
"That you're an idiot for not breaking in."
"I… What?"
"You're worried enough about him that you're willingly talking to me about it. A suit that you don't trust to know which was it up. I get that you don't want to break the deal you two made, but this time I think that you know that walking away again isn't the right thing to do. I'm going to go home. I can talk to Neal when we get to the office tomorrow. Call me if you need anything."
For a moment he stood there watching the fed leave trying to figure out what he was going to do. It would be so easy to just leave and claim that it wasn't his problem. Except that it was Neal. He couldn't walk away even if he wanted to.
Taking a deep breath he turned around and went back into the house. It went against everything in him to break the deal that he and Neal had in place, but, as much as it pained him to say, the Suit was right. If he was worried about his friend enough to talk to him then it was past time to step up.
Kneeling in front of the door he counted his blessing that June was away with the girls. He didn't want to explain what he was doing to her. It barely took any time before he was standing inside of the loft.
He didn't know what he had expected to find, but a brightly lit room was not one of them. Honestly, he had thought that the younger man would be in bed in complete darkness. He was wrong. Which scared him a bit. The whole situation was scary though.
His eyes darted over the space looking for the man only to stop when they fell on the easel near the windows. Instantly his heart dropped at the painting he saw. It was rare that he saw Neal's original work, but he had always looked forward to them before.
Now he wasn't so sure about that. Yes, he had seen a few dark painting from the man before, but they didn't come up that often. He was more the kind of guy to draw buildings and scenery that caught his eyes.
This did have scenery in it. Though not the kind that he normally did. It was nothing even close to being what he normally painted. If he had to describe what he was seeing it was more death and pain than anything else. Words that just didn't work when it came to Neal Caffrey. Or really any version of the younger man that he knew and he knew them all.
"Oh, Neal," he muttered to himself stepping closer to the painting, "What is going on in that head of yours?"
The longer he stared at the painting the more concerned he felt. A small figure was kneeling in the middle of the canvas his back facing them while his arms laid loosely on either side of his body like they were almost disconnected.
His left arm had chains twisting around it like vines. They tied him to the floor by his neck. By the red that looked like it was seeping through the chains were cutting into his flesh painfully. Just looking at the painting made him feel like he couldn't breathe.
His right hand held a flogger. Which, based off the sickening red and bloody welts on his back, the figure ha been using it on himself. Not just a hit or two either. The person had been beating himself. It wouldn't surprise him to know that the white wasn't just skin but bone.
The next thing that drew his attention was the place that the figure was in. It was a cemetery. One filled with tombstones that, upon closer inspection actually had names on them. Including not just Kate's by his as well. Even Keller and the Suit were had tombstones.
All of the names were people that had played an important part in the younger man's life. Which made no sense. It wasn't as if the three of them were dead. Why would their names be on tombstone's?
Feeling even more worried than before he forced himself away from the painting and continued to look for his friend. When he didn't find him inside he went out only to freeze when he saw the younger man sitting on the ledge precariously.
It wasn't close to the first time he had seen the man in that position, but it was the first time that he had been concerned by it. Neal was good at what he did so he knew that falling was off the table, but he wasn't sure jumping was unlikely at that point in time.
"Neal," Mozzie greeted hoping his voice wasn't as shaky as the rest of him.
"I locked the door," the forger responded his voice void of emotions.
"I know, but I was worried. That painting inside says I should be. Not to mention the fact that you're literally sitting on the ledge right now."
"I'm not going to fall."
"Falling isn't what I'm worried about right now."
Slowly Neal turned his head so he was looking at the older man. Mozzie clenched his jaw to stop from gasping when he was finally looking into his friends eyes. How had no one else been able to see just how much pain he was in?
"Kid," he sighed taking a step closer to the man.
"Don't," the man shook his voice breaking painfully.
"Neal, you have to talk to me."
"I really don't."
"Neal..."
"No, just don't, Moz. Do yourself a favor and leave."
Shaking his head the con moved forward so he was standing next to his friend. Normally he was glad when the man was quiet. Neal had always been a talker. He never actually said anything when he spoke, but he did love to speak.
It had been more than a little annoying at first. What was the point in talking if you never said anything? Mozzie still wasn't sure what the answer to that was, but he had long since given up trying to understand his friend.
The best thing to do when it came to Neal was show him that he wasn't alone and then do what could be done to keep him safe. He couldn't be controlled or tethered to anything. If he wanted to stay he would and if he wanted to go he would. It's just the way things were.
"How is that doing myself a favor?" he questioned leaning his back against the railing forcing himself to not show how nervous he was being that close to the edge.
There was a part of himself that was angry at the tone he was using. It was the same one that he used when he wanted to con someone. Which was just wrong. Neal was the last person that he ever wanted to con. They were best friends. You don't con people that you cared about.
"Just go," the younger man shook his head turning away from him.
"Not until you explain this to me," he shot back crossing his arms over his chest.
"How can you even ask me that? How can you not see?"
"See what? You haven't told me anything, Neal."
"Leave it alone. Leave me alone."
"Not happening."
"Mozzie..."
"No. Not until you tell me what's going on in that head of yours, mon frere."
"Would you leave then?"
"What?"
"If I told you what was going on in my head would you leave me and never look back?"
"Neal..."
The younger man moved so he was sitting with his back to the city silent tears streaming down his face. Mozzie's heart sped up looking at him. He might be good at what he did, but one wrong move and he would be over the edge and there was nothing he could do about it.
"Talk to me," the con tried one more time feeling more than a little desperate.
"She's dead," Neal finally answered his fingers clutching onto the side of the building.
"Kate? I know, kiddo, but..."
"She's dead because of me."
"We've talked about..."
"You almost died. Because of me."
Stopping mid sentence the older man stared at his friend in shock only to see him shaking. He looked like he was about to vibrate off the edge of the building. He really needed to get the other man off the ledge before that happened, but he felt like he couldn't move.
They hadn't talked about his shooting all that much. Well, at least not outside of Neal telling him about the investigation. It just never came up and, to be honest, he was glad about that. All he wanted to do was leave that behind him.
He knew in the back of his mind that that wasn't the healthiest thing to do, but that was what he wanted. He had thought that Neal had picked up on that and was respecting what Mozzie had wanted at the time.
The last thing he would have thought was Neal keeping it with him. That idea that his shooting was eating away at his friend was rather obvious when he thought about it, but he had been so focused on himself that he had forgotten to look at the other man to see if he was okay.
He should have known better than to do that. For as good as his friend was at pretending to be someone else he had a bad habit of wearing his heart on his shoulder. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't breaking the man of that.
"Neal" he sighed turning fully to face the younger man.
"I'm sorry," the forger interrupted not looking at him, "I'm so sorry."
Mozzie had no idea what he was supposed to do in that moment. He had never been the best with emotions. He was the type of person to just ignoring everything like that because it was beneath him or because he didn't have the time.
He had gotten a bit better since he had befriended the other man, but he still had no clue what he was doing. He had no idea what he was supposed to do to make the man feel better. He had no idea how to be a good friend.
Taking a deep breath he decided to run on instinct. Reaching out he took a hold of him and pulled him off the ledge and into his arms. It wasn't close to being the first time that they had hugged, but it was different than any other time.
He held Neal tightly as he tried to fight him off. The kid was in such a state though that he didn't have the strength. It didn't take long before Neal was limp in his arms sobbing hard enough to shake them both.
"It wasn't your fault," Mozzie attempted to soothe.
"Yes, it was," the younger man cut him off shaking his head against his chest, "Adler went after Kate because of me. He killed her because of me. He shot you because of me. Don't you get it, Moz? No one is safe if I'm around them. All I do is bring death!"
Holding him all the tighter Mozzie blinked back tears as the younger man fell quiet once more. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. How the man had kept him from seeing those emotions in him while he was recovering was beyond him. He really had been out of it.
"Neal," the con started before sighing, "You're not going to believe me if I told you it wasn't your fault, will you?"
"He shot you to tell me he was serious," came the muffled reply.
"Okay. What if I said I don't regret it?"
The younger man seemed to freeze at those words. Mozzie loosened his grip a little letting him pull away so they could look into each others eyes. The pain was still there, but it seemed to have dimmed a bit. If all it took was talking then… He still hoped that he would never have to talk again.
"W-What?" Neal stuttered out staring at him like he was insane.
"Kid," the con tried before taking a deep breath, "This isn't something I like to talk about. I'm not the talking person. That's you, but I thought you knew."
"Knew what?"
"That… You know I don't have a family or any friends really. I prefer to be alone. My life is just going from one con to another. From one crew to another. From one city to another. I don't stay in one place long enough to care about people. It was supposed to be like that with you too."
"It was?"
"Yes, people in this line of work don't have a family. It doesn't work out well."
"So I've gathered from the fact that the people I love all seem to be killed."
"Stop. My turn to talk. You've seen how I live my life. You know how… alone I am. I thought that was the way I liked it."
Neal continued to stare at him like he didn't get what was being said. Not that he could really blame him for that. The words didn't seem right to him either. In all his years he hadn't really done the talking thing. The things he did for Neal.
The more he thought about it the more that felt like a lie. While it was true that he and Neal had never had a full emotional conversation they did talk fairly freely with each other. About most things at least. Some were off the table though.
He wasn't counting the conversations that they had after Kate died. Mostly because they weren't really conversations. It was Neal beating himself up over every little thing while he tried to convince him that the whole thing wasn't his fault.
"What changed?" Neal questioned after a moment.
"You can into my life and I remembered everything Mr. Jeffries tried to teach me," Mozzie shrugged with a slight smile, "I let myself get caught up in the life. What con I was going to pull next was all that matter to me. I forgot that I was supposed to be living, enjoying what I was doing instead of just doing it."
"I almost got you killed."
"With the way I was going before we met… It was as if I was dead anyway. You can't truly live if all you do is have a heartbeat. You have to love and hurt and almost die."
"But..."
"No. I don't regret meeting you or getting shot."
"How could you not? I..."
"Gave me a family? Gave me a brother? Gave me things I didn't know I was missing? I know that you're have a hard time right now and that you want to blame yourself for what happened. That you want to keep me safe, but you're not getting rid of me."
A sad smile came to the younger man's lips as he leaned forward and rested his head on the con's shoulder. For a moment the two men sat there not talking, but he was okay with that when he realized that some of the heaviness that had been around them was finally gone.
The quiet was broken a moment later by Neal's stomach rumbling loudly. Mozzie couldn't help but snort at that as he forced them both to their feet. A blush was on Neal's cheeks as he let the older man push him into the loft and to the table.
"Suit said that you've been having lunch with everyone," Mozzie started going to the fridge only to sigh when he saw it practically empty.
"You willingly talked to Peter?" Neal questioned soundly slight amused.
"I told you I was worried about you."
"Yeah."
Turning around he looked at his friend and let out a sigh. He looked so much younger than he was. Not that he was actually all that old. Not that he was ever going to tell anyone that specific number.
That didn't make it any easier to look at the man. All he wanted to do was wrap the man in a blanket and tuck him in. He had never thought that he would feel that way about another person. The last thing that he thought he would be was paternal towards anyone.
"I am sorry about that, Moz," Neal offered cutting through his thoughts before he had an exisental crisis, "I just want to keep you safe from me."
"From you?" the con laughed shaking his head, "Neal, you do know that you're probably the least dangerous person I know. Mrs. Suit is scarier than you."
"Alright, not sure I'm ready for you to kick me while I'm down."
"Sorry. Don't try to protect me, Neal. I'll be fine."
"But… You do know that I care about you too, right? You're my brother, too."
"It's nice to hear, but you still don't have to try to keep me safe."
"It's what brothers do. I think. I've never had a brother."
"Neither have I. Come on, let's go to a restaurant. You have no food to eat."
Shaking his head Neal stood up and started towards his shoes only to stop in front of the painting he did. His hand shook slightly as he reached out and ran his fingers over the figure. For a moment he thought that he was going to break again.
Instead he shook his head and turned away. Mozzie wanted to question him further on it, but he knew that they had both had about enough emotions for the rest of the week. Anyway if Neal needed to talk than he'd be there to listen.