"Why do people fall in love and they end up crying?
Why do lovers walk away from themselves, when their hearts are breaking?
Why does loving sometimes never stay long?
Why does kissing this time mean you'll be gone?
Why does gladness become sadness, things that I don't get..."
April's POV:
"I love you so much...but I don't think I can be here when you come back..."
April Avery sat numbly down the bench, her tears showing no signs of abating anytime soon. She moved her shaking hands to her lap, rubbing it repeatedly on her thighs, trying her best to stifle the sobs that desperately wants to escape her lips. She knew beforehand that he wouldn't take the news well; she knew that she would end up hurting him again and yet, she still pushed through with it - what the hell is wrong with her? He had every right to throw in the gauntlet and tell her flat out that he wouldn't be waiting for her this time. Her heart broke upon hearing the words from his mouth but what hurt her the most was the look on his face - he looked so defeated. "You're one selfish jerk April...just plain selfish..." she mumbled to herself.
"April?"
She hastily wiped her cheeks and cleared the lump in her throat; "Y-yes?"
"Why are you sitting there alone?" Arizona asked as she stepped into the light.
"Err - just thinking," April replied.
"In the dark? In this temperature?"
April turned her face towards Arizona, a forced smile curling on her lips; "I just needed some air, it's a little stuffy inside."
Furrowing her eyes, Arizona shifted closer; "Why are your eyes red? Were you crying?"
"N-no, it's my contacts - I just took it off because it's very itchy" April lied.
Arizona folded her arms on top of her chest, "I'm not going to judge you so you can quit with the lame excuses. So, tell me, what's really wrong?" she asked.
A sob escaped her lips even before she was able to stifle it; she buried her face into her hands as her shoulders shook.
Arizona's jaw dropped, clearly not expecting April's intense reaction to her question. She quickly moved towards the bench and placed a comforting arm around the other woman's shoulder, "Let it out..."
"I-I didn't mean for it to happen-I..." April sputtered, grief seeping from her tone.
Squeezing April's shoulder, Arizona asked. "What happened?"
Letting her hands drop to her lap, April sniffed loudly; "I told Jackson that I'm going back to the field..." she paused to clear her throat. "A-and he told me that he will not wait for me any longer..."
"Fuck" Arizona cursed as she let her arm drop.
April let out a manic laugh as tears trail down her cheeks; "You hit the nail on the head," she said.
"Are you really going?" Arizona asked.
"I don't know...I wasn't expecting any of this to happen when I told him that" April replied shakily.
Arizona shifted on her seat to face her friend fully; "Can I be honest with you?" she asked.
April wiped her nose with her hand; "Sure, go ahead."
"I know that losing Samuel was very hard and it still is. I saw you struggle every day and how hard you try to paste a smile on your face every time you see a baby. I completely understand your need to be on the field because it gives you a new purpose. You help prevent unnecessary loses because you don't want other people to suffer what you've been through..."
April leaned forward, her elbows braced on her knees; "Y-yeah..." she mumbled.
"Don't get me wrong, your intention is noble and I get where you're coming from-" Arizona paused to lean back. "But I also understand Jackson."
Burying her face into her palm, a soft sob escaped April's lips.
"He also lost a child but somewhere along the way he lost you too."
April turned her face to the side, "But he didn't, I'm still here..."
"Right now, but for how long?" Arizona challenged.
Clamping her lips together, April averted her gaze.
Arizona draped her arms on the bench; "My brother and my best friend are both soldiers. One died on duty while the other lost his battle with cancer" she paused again to take a deep breath. "Jackson wore the same shoes I wore when you decided to leave the first time. All the trepidation and worry can be clearly seen on his face every time he sees the news and doesn't hear a peep from you. Its nerve wracking, you know - like you're riding in a rollercoaster without the safety bar on. You hope and pray that your grasp on the seat is strong enough to keep you on your place but at the back of your mind, you know that one wrong move can send you toppling over the edge."
A look of pure misery spread on April's blotchy face; "I-I didn't know...why didn't he tell me that?"
"Because he knows you need it. He understands that you need to be away from him to be able to heal all the hurt."
"I'm really selfish, right?"
"We are all selfish at some point, it's part of being human."
April's shoulder slumped; "What am I supposed to do?" she asked.
Arizona stood up from her perch, her eyes full of compassion, "You only have two options; you leave and follow through your plans even at the expense of the love you both ardently fought for or you stay with him, work things out and realize that you're also doing the exact same thing here - only less dangerous."
April bit her bottom lip, her mind racing with what her friend said.
"Dr. Kepner! Dr. Robbins!"
Both surgeons turned towards the voice; "I'm going back, no need to shout Edwards" Arizona said.
"Something happened...it's Dr. Shepherd" Stephanie said shakily.
April shot up from her seat upon seeing Stephanie's pale face; "What happened?"
"He-he is- he's dead" Stephanie sputtered.
"Someone's always saying goodbye, I believe it hurts when we cry.
Don't we know partings never so easy and with all the achings inside,
I believe some hearts won't survive. Trying hard to pretend that we're gonna be fine..."
Dark gray clouds loom over the cemetery while people pay their last respect to GSMH most loved surgeon. Tears were shed and many condolences were uttered, yet the grief of losing one of their own doesn't seem to lessen.
April folded her arms on top her chest, her eyes fixed on Meredith's stoic face; "Is she alright?" she asked lowly.
Jackson followed her gaze; "I really don't know...I haven't spoken to her since yesterday..." he replied.
"I've been watching her all throughout the service and she hasn't cried - not even once," Arizona said.
Callie slipped her hands inside her pocket, "Mer is really not a crier..."
Sighing, Arizona shifted on her feet; "Crying will do her good, you know...".
"It will but we can't really force her," Jackson said.
"Wait-is that Yang?" April asked with large eyes.
All three surgeons turned to their left and saw a familiar figure walking towards Meredith; "It's about damn time," Jackson grunted.
Cristina softly tugged on Meredith's arm before pulling her into a tight hug.
Meredith stiffened for a second but when she realized who it was; she buried her face into her familiar curls and let out a heart breaking sob.
"Well, that's that" Callie said sadly.
Arizona cleared her throat, "Yeah..."
April turned her face towards Jackson, "Did you know she was coming?"
"Yes, Hunt told me this morning" Jackson replied. He then slipped his hands inside his pockets; "And he also told me that you're leaving for Iraq in two weeks," he said too nonchalantly.
Hugging herself, April averted her gaze and pressed her lips together.
"Do you even have plans on telling me?" Jackson asked.
"Jackson, this is not the right time and place for that..." April pleaded.
Jackson's jaw clenched tightly, his eyes boring into April's head; "When exactly is the right time and place?"
April turned her face to meet her husband's gaze; "We just buried one of our own today, can't it wait?" she asked. "And besides, you already decided what you want, I don't think what I have to say matters anymore," she added somewhat petulantly.
Jackson stared at her; "Wow, Apes" he said with a hint of disappointment. He then shook his head and turned on his heel; "Now I'm the one who decides without considering your feelings first - just wow" he said as he walks away.
Tears started welling up her eyes as he watched Jackson leave. A hand slipped on her arm, squeezing it comfortingly. She bowed her head to hide her face; "I deserved that," she murmured.
"You were right on some counts - this is not the right time and place for that conversation," Arizona said.
Lifting her other hand, April wiped her cheeks. She sniffed loudly before clearing her throat; "I think I should go - I should follow him..."
"Give him time to blow some steam off, you need to talk, not argue."
April shook her head, "No, I need to talk to him now or he'll end up avoiding me every chance he gets."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I am."
oOo
April slipped into their apartment and closed the door behind her quietly; she saw the keys hanging on the hook so she knows that he's already there. She hung her keys on top of his and made her way towards the living room; she spotted him sitting on the couch, a bottle of beer dangling precariously on his hand. "H-hey..."
He didn't turn around, his eyes firmly fixed on the game playing on the flat screen TV; "Yeah" he grunted.
She peeled her coat off and threw it haphazardly on top of the breakfast before making her way towards him. She rounded the couch and sat down on the opposite side; "Jackson I-"
"Don't" Jackson said, cutting her off mid-sentence. He placed the bottle on top of the coffee table before facing her directly; "I was out of line, you were right - it was not the right time and place - sorry," he said.
April gathered her hands to her lap, twisting her fingers anxiously; "It's okay, I'm sorry too" she murmured.
Jackson stared at her for a couple of seconds before letting out a sigh. He scooted towards her and placed his hand on hers, stopping her hands from fidgeting. "Let's not talk about anything tonight, yeah? We're both emotionally rung out from the funeral so talking about it wouldn't bode well - we'll just end up fighting and that's the last thing I want to do right now."
"I don't like fighting with you..." April whispered in response.
"Yeah, same here" Jackson replied.
She slowly lifted her face, meeting his gaze for the first time; "Have you already eaten? I can make us something-ommppph"
Jackson covered her lips with his, swallowing her words with his mouth. He pushed her back on the couch, his lips never leaving hers.
April got lost in the kiss, her arms involuntarily reaching for his neck, pulling him closer.
Groaning, Jackson settled between her legs, his hips rocking instinctively.
April pulled her lips away, her head falling to side, giving him a clear access to her neck.
Jackson didn't think twice, he trailed open mouthed along her cheeks down to her neck, his hips never losing its rhythm.
"Oh god..." April moaned as she started to wrap her legs around his waist. "Don't stop..."
"I have no plans of stopping," he said between kisses. "Unless you want me to stop..."
"No...please, don't stop..."
"Are you sure?"
April rocked her hips; "Does that answer your question?" she breathed out.
Jackson groaned, his eyes closing in pleasure; "Fuck."
April moved her hands towards his back, her hands tugging his shirt from his pants. "I want you."
Jackson's eyes snapped open, "But I want you more," he replied, his words laced with something akin to pain.
She opened her mouth to speak but he didn't let her; he pressed his lips to her, clouding her mind with lust, making her forget their predicament.
oOo
Jackson kissed her lips one more time before leaning back on the couch's armrest. He fixed his eyes on the ceiling, staring at the light fixtures pensively.
April shifted closer, her arm going around his waist, "What are you thinking about?" she asked.
"Just...things," he replied. He then placed his hand on top of hers, twining their fingers together.
She leaned her head on his chest, listening to his sturdy heartbeat. After a moment of silent deliberation, she decided to address the proverbial elephant in the room; "We still have to talk Jackson..." she half whispered.
Letting out a sigh, Jackson tightened his hold on her hand, "I know that..." he replied.
"I'm sorry if I didn't tell you sooner, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."
"Yeah, I know."
She opened her eyes and lifted her head; she leaned towards him, resting her chin on his chest. "I love you, you know that right?"
He met her gaze with a sad smile, "Yeah, but sometimes love is not enough to stay..." he said.
She wanted to say something, to tell him that what he said is not true, but emotions clogged her throat - making it hard to speak. Her vision started to blur, so she averted her gaze.
Lifting his other hand, Jackson tapped her chin, making her look at him again; "Let's just pretend that everything is okay and just live one day at a time, yeah?"
Too choked up to form an audible response, April just nodded and leaned her head back on his chest.
A/N: And I'm back - with a spur of the moment fic none the less! ^-^/
I know I haven't update VI yet but I can't stop myself from writing this - the season ender of RLGA is just so depressing. I heard this song playing after watching the last episode and boom - a songfic bunny came to life. LOL
Jackson's POV is currently being written so I'm pretty sure I'll be posting it sooner than expected, This story is shorter than my normal fics so it's easier to write and read. ^-^
Having said that, please tell me how you feel about this. Leave me a review or whatnots so I'll know if it's interesting enough to post. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy! Till next chappy! Cheers!