Carlisle POV

"Carly boy, you have to try this gown on so i can check the measurements." Alice whined from my study door. I flicked my wrist camply, "you are SO last year Alice!" Carlisle, mourned by his wife and Punam alike, was camper than a row of pink tents. He also talked about himself in the 'third person' so he 'came across' as an annoying 'pompous' ass.

It was Bella's 18th birthday party today, and believe me, the word 'party' was over exaggerated in Alice's point of view. This morning, she 'woke' the whole family up really early to do 50 laps of the house in jump suites. Turning the house into a literal 'prison' – not a lighthouse otherwise they'd have to pick it up and move it next to the sea and actually use it to direct ships. And he has used quotation marks six times now.Obviously Esme was excited about the prospect of adorning every inch of our home with shrunken heads, and combined with Alice's hyperactivity and Esme's genuine excitement and blood lust, Jasper was also picking up the festive execution spirit as well. Rosalie, being a sassy bitch, went to hunt and Emmett being loyal accompanied her. Only I and Edward didn't help with the decorations because Edward and I had plans that made me happy almost G-A-Y, but Alice, ushered us to school (me being the local paedophile) , when I stole a glance at mike newton she dragged me home by my pigtails. I escaped to my study by telling Alice that I had to practice my YMCA routine for tonight, plus wrap up Bella's present (an amazing pizza sandwich I made myself). I was surprised (understatement) that Alice let me off because she could probably See me not doing anything remotely straight. Before I left, I gave her a grateful burst of George Michael chorus.

I entered my dance studio and thought about how much great music the Towns People created. Plus the opportunity the song gave me to see Edward dress as a gay Indian was priceless. Bella has bought so many annoying, clumsy trips and falls to our eternal existences. She had also had an annoying habit of sleep talking about a load of human shit. I finished my warm up and settled down with a copy of Celeb! Weekly while the others changed. (They obviously didn't understand the comfort value a pink leotard provided)

And now, 1 hour later, Alice was whining at my study's doorframe.

"Alice, you can probably See me wearing the gown you've chosen at Bella's birthday party" I said, raising my eyebrow in question, even though I hadn't asked one, so that line makes no sense. (all corrections including the lighthouse thing by Prof. Christina McAwesome, to punam OWNED loved C x) "You know I want to try it on. It looks FIERCE!, kinky and...could you take it up a bit – it looks to ... matronly."

"Oh fine!" she said, grinning. "But you have to help us now with the shrivelled heads instead. . . And tell Rosalie to stop eating them. They don't even have blood anymore. Blondes."

The rest of the day was spent decorating the house by me, Esme, and Jasper. Alice, on the other hand, was preparing a rather extravagant birthday cake even though most of the guests, meaning us, wouldn't eat it. Well, Emmett was accepting Jasper's dare to 'enjoy' the cake with Bella.

Then Edward and Bella arrived in his ice cream van. Neither commented on my beautiful attire and I could see how it hurt Alice in her soul. The bit with the dresses... the gift shop was also slightly hurt.

"Darlings, hel – lo" I chirped, i stopped mid cheek kiss as I was distracted by my -what happens on the weekend stays in the week end- adoptive son Edward.

Instantly, I concluded my observations before Edward could read my mind. Seriously, he is my adoptive son, he was going to be married and I was—checking him out! I should date Emmett instead. He is so strong and Rosalie would just have to share, she could be sooo selfish at times.

A couple of seconds later, it was Alice who spoke up first.

"Oh my God! The guest of honour! Hitler, come in. Dankashun for coming."

"heil hitler" roared Emmett modelling his swashtiska emblazoned jacket

Bella looked more uncomfortable than usual. (She always looked like she was about to trip over. Which she usually did.) "Ummm... Isn't being a Nazi wrong? Especially at my party." She whined, her voice grating at my ears like a badly maintained chainsaw.

"Shut up " snapped Emmett

"man whore" she replied, "We know what's going on with Carlisle!"

"SHIT!" said Edward alarmed, everybody turned to him,

" – Emmett..yes, he is sooo with carly b – Carlisle" corrected Alice.

"Well this is annoying" moaned Esme and she slapped Bella's pizza sandwich. Then something too terrible, too earth-shattering, too atrocious, too- I've lost my left sock- horrible to describe happened...which is exactly why we're going to tell you. (DOWN WITH AGE RATINGS!)

Im going to kill you Naomi! –love ya emma :P – you love Carlisle in a tutu and ya know it biatch