Rating: PG
Author's Notes: This parody almost didn't see the light of day but Zen rescued it from the brink of erasure. So if you think it's just not funny blame her ;) Beware of chat rooms and CSIs that might wander in.
Vivian had decided to stay late. Her son and never seen husband were off somewhere doing something; even Viv wasn't too sure what. Danny had left early to go to this bar that Vivian swore was for…well that was Danny's business. And Martin was off at the Idaho Potato Festival: all the potatoes you could eat. She had been sitting with a clear view of Jack's office but once Sam had entered to "chat" as she called it, Vivian had hurriedly moved to the far end of the room and threw on her son's headphones. She already knew about the affair but didn't need visual and audio confirmation.
A computer was still on, the screen saver blinking on again and again. Vivian moved to it in some trance. She put her hand on the mouse and watched as a website popped up on the screen: Love's Laborious Lost. Underneath it, it read: What to Do When You're The Third Wheel in a Relationship. As if memorizing her, Vivian chose a screen name, Kickass, and logged in. She was no third wheel in any relationship but she felt like reading what the other women had written.
A hearty conversation was taking place between two women: Catattack and DNAgirl. Catattack was talking about how she had to play friend to an emotionally reserved guy while he was deeply in love with someone else and DNAgirl was crying about how she lost her job because she had no chemistry with the boss.
Catattack: I had to go and wait for the guy at surgery because he can't tell this to her, the girl he really wants there! And somehow I was the only one on a team of investigators that noticed he couldn't hear.
DNAgirl: Oh… that's… too bad.
Catattack: I went over to his apartment one night to try to convince him to do something special for her…
DNAgirl: Really? What… did he do?
Catattack: Sent her a plant. Should have sent her diamonds or something but…
DNAgirl: Did it work?
Catattack: So far but there are problems. This year we are to assume nothing so who knows.
DNAgirl: That's nice. I wish… I had gotten… something when I left my job.
Catattack: You didn't get anything?
DNAgirl: No, he left messages on my voice mail but no plant.
Catattack: Sorry about that. What reason did you give for leaving?
DNAgirl: Oh, that I went back to work too soon after my husband's death.
Catattack: My ex-husband just died! Isn't it awful? I have been having trouble with my rapid aging daughter and blowing up labs and finding out a man who saw me strip was my father…I've had another melodramatically Emmy hopeful year.
DNAgirl: No one even… cares that I'm gone. But at least the blonde chick… isn't dating the man who I had no chemistry with but tried so desperately to like.
Catattack: Hey, nothing against blondes! Would you stop pausing so much- it's so annoying. Did she want to date him?
DNAgirl: They should be together but he's going to be dating his ex- sister–in-law and the blonde is going to have a "secret" romance with a cop.
Catattack: Why is it a secret?
DNAgirl: No one knows or even cares.
Catattack: This year I need an office romance or some other romance; I've had everything else.
DNAgirl: Good luck with that.
Vivian shook her head. Time for her to take part.
Kickass: Not to intrude but may I take part in your discussion?
Catattack: Um, this is private.
Kickass: Then why are you on a message board?
Catattack: Okay, smarty what do you have to contribute.
Kickass: Well first Catattack I think you have to stop believing the world revolves around you.
Catattack: You…
Kickass: Then you need to be in the background more, we already know TMI about you.
Catattack: At least I get nominated for awards.
Kickass: It's not about quality, don't you know that. They just use the same nomination paper from the previous year.
DNAgirl: Please… don't… fight.
Kickass: And you need to get out of your "poor me" state. So you lost the guy, so what? Go find someone else.
DNAgirl: I lost more than the guy I lost my job.
Kickass: From what I hear that "job" belonged to the blonde lady…it seems your former bosses don't realize what they got there.
DNAgirl: Well…you made me cry.
Kickass: Grow up; this is the real world with real problems. There are people missing out there hoping for the chance to see a handsome agent rescue them from the depths of despair.
Catattack: We are still number one over you. Ha ha.
Kickass: It's not about quality…
Catattack: That's it I'm out of here!
DNAgirl: Me too! You're… mean.
Kickass: Actually most people consider me nice and loyal. Bye.
Vivian smiled as she logged out. Some second in command people- they like to eat the scenery. She noticed just as she was about to click out who was logged in before her: Dano. It seemed from the posts that Dano was in love with a Martina but unsure whether he could compete with a Big Mac and super size fries for a place in Martina's life. Hum, Vivian thought, thinking the characters sounded familiar.
A hand on her shoulder made her jump. "Jeez, Sam you scared me!"
"Sorry, I'm leaving. Jack already left; after he takes care of something he's going home to Marie for a few more months until sweeps and I'm going to pretend I like Martin." She shrugged.
"Well that's nice. What's Jack doing?"
"Oh he just is making sure Keller goes missing so no one has to put up with that UGLI this year."
"That's good," Vivian smiled, "Though don't worry about the Martin thing, he has some else who likes him."
"Really? Oh, good!" Sam breathed a sigh of relief.
Vivian got up from the computer and started to walk out with Samantha. "Um, Sam, wait a minute."
"What?"
"Your blouse is buttoned wrong."
"Oh thanks, gee that would have been embarrassing." Sam said sheepishly.
A news report caused them to stop- someone had left a perfectly placed TV on. "This just in at the Idaho Potato Festival, the main potato played by Ralph Dungy was attacked today by a man who said he was just so hungry and the Potato Man looked so good to eat. Martin Fitzgerald is being held without bail until his father can get him out of this one."
Samantha and Vivian exchanged looks. "One day we knew it would come to this," Vivian said and they both left closing the lights off.