Ruth and Jay fic exploring what happens when you deny yourself your soul mate…

Please R&R – any constructive criticism much appreciated!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters; we owe that to the BBC.

Basically this is set a couple of days after the wedding, their sort of honeymoon weekend.

He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me he, loves me not

Ruth sat legs out in front of her, absent mindedly picking at a daisy she had found by her side. At first she had merely twirled its fragile stalk between thumb and forefinger, but, as ever, her thoughts had turned to more troubling matters. She found herself discarding its petals, school-girl fashion, one-by-one, a mirror of her six year old self. She ran out of petals, arriving at an answer that a young Ruth would have been thrilled at, but from which her confused mind and heart recoiled.

He loves me

Holding the gently drooping stalk loosely in her left hand, her gaze fell to her lap, where the pink-flushed petals pooled, confetti-like. Her hand dropped to her lap in a gesture of hopelessness at her predicament, the green stalk lying among the near white petals in her lap. She paused, reflected, and then with a sigh, promptly brushed away the painfully symbolic daisy remains from her skirt. They scattered amongst the dark blades of grass surrounding her. She sighed again.

'Darling, what's troubling you?'

It was Jonathon. He tenderly took her hand from her lap, concerned. Ruth brushed away the comment as swiftly as she had the daisy, moments before.

'Oh, nothing. Just, you know, work. Never really get away from it. You know how it is.' She gave him a reassuring smile that somehow failed to reach her eyes. He noticed but didn't mention it.

The perfect gentleman, as always.

He put a comforting arm around her, offering his shoulder for her head to rest on.

'Don't worry yourself about that now. You aren't on shift now for a couple of days. We finally have a bit of time for each other. No distractions.'

Ruth muttered her assent grudgingly, 'Yeah.' She sighed again. He turned and kissed her forehead, hugging her closer for a moment before removing his arm from around her and slapping his legs enthusiastically.

'Right, I need a coffee. Let's see if we can't get your mind off work for at least a few hours.'

He pushed himself up onto his feet and reached down for her hands, pulling her up to join him.

xXx

Delightful, just what I wanted.

Jay grimaced as he wiped the sick from the young woman's mouth, taking a glance down at his now soggy scrubs and his trainers, the regurgitated mess in a puddle at his feet.

'Could someone clean this up please?' He raised his voice, catching the attention of another nurse. He turned to the woman, passing her a dish just in case she threw up again. He put on his reassuring voice, 'You'll be fine, Ok? Just let me know if there's anything you need. Dr Reed will be here in a minute to find out the problem.'

Her face was young and pretty, but her eyes were tired and red and her face looked hollowed by illness. She would have been dateable if it weren't for the circumstances.

She looks as bad as I feel.

The thought did nothing to reassure him. He drew the cubicle curtain behind him as he left to change, sighing. He passed Big Mack and Noel on his way.

'What's wrong with you today, young man?' Mack asked, nosey as ever, 'Girl as pretty as that, normally you'd be flirting like anything, but today, her eyelashes couldn't have fluttered more and you didn't even notice.'

'I'm fine. Just…not in the mood. I've got to change; I'll um see you later, right?'

As he sought out his locker and a new set of scrubs, Jay could almost feel the look that passed between Mack and Noel. It pained him how even his closest mates didn't realise how hurt he was. They knew, they just didn't understand. He pulled his scrubs off and found a new set, framing his face in calm and happiness he didn't feel before returning to the bustle of the ED.

xXx

They walked hand in hand, Ruth's fingers intertwined with those of her new husband. It felt strange, unfamiliar but good to feel the warmed metal of the ring on her finger, held in their grasp. She took a sip of her coffee, pensive again. She was startled out of her thoughts by an interjection by Jonathon.

'So, what do you think? After the hotel tonight?'

Ruth realised that she hadn't been paying attention.

'Sorry? I was somewhere else…'

'What about tomorrow? What would you like to do? I mean the hotel room is booked all weekend but we don't have to stay in the room. I want you to be happy.'

Ironic words. What is happiness?

Ruth looked her husband in his kind eyes.

'Why don't you decide? I don't have anything I particularly want to do. So long as I'm with you we'll make it work.'

He smiled and squeezed her hand.

'We'll have the perfect honeymoon weekend. You'll see. Just as long as you…' he dropped his cardboard coffee cup in a bin they were passing, '…stop…' he turned towards her, picking her up in his arms, ignoring her protests, '…worrying.' He leant in and kissed her. 'I love you darling – let's go back to the hotel shall we?'

As he put her down and they made their way back to the hotel Ruth couldn't help but smile at the dramatic romanticism of it all. She had all she had ever wanted within her grasp – perfect husband, perfect job within sight and perfect happiness – supposedly. She loved her husband but yet there was still a tiny part of her mind that reflected on the past. What she had lost. Though only a glimmer of dissent, it troubled her deeply. She couldn't help but wonder whether her feelings were reciprocated, at all, or if that part of her life was gone. A new Ruth.

So...I hope you liked it!

what will happen next?

i'm basing this next chapter on things that are alluded to in the series (or that we are actually told)
It may take a while as i'm really busy at the moment by i will do my best!