Title: Chain Me In
Summary: It hurt more than anything. And Phoenix felt so angry. So angry he'd just left like that. Betrayed him. He couldn't think of anything else but the promises he himself had broken to Edgeworth, the guilt, the anger, and the moment he'd discovered his best friend's death. (Edgey/Wright story. Set right after Edgey returns from his "death" in the second game.)
Authors Notes:Oh, the drama. Though really, the best part of this is I started writing this long before the game ever mentioned Edgey coming back. Go me. But right! Tried my best to keep in character, really not sure how I did though. Sorry if it's a bit dramatic? Anyways, you guys can be the judge on that.
Though srsly, pet peeve of mine. As awesome and proper as Edgey is, some people really tend to write him way too smug, proper and heartless-like. Come on people! See his inner first-game child! Weep with it, damn it! WEEEP! -fist shake-
But right. XD; Hope you like it.
Staind – It's been a While
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I first saw you
And it's been awhile since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile since I could call you
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means
It's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile since I can say I love myself as well and...
And it's been awhile since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile but all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you!
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile but I can still remember just the way you taste
And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile since I said…I'm sorry.
It hurt. God…it hurt. "Damn it! Why won't you look at me?!" He was turned away. His back to me. Like it was no big deal…Like it was nothing at all. Grabbing his fine cloth in my fist, ripping him around. Staring him in the eyes, my own a dark, cold, blue. "Why are you…how…" I couldn't hold it back. I really tried, but somehow, I couldn't hold it back. "DAMN IT! WHY DID YOU LEAVE!?" Fury pounded my veins, grip tight, voice cracking, my own eyes piercing his. Nights and memories flooding through to me. Without any warning at all.
It's ages back. The lobby's musty, lamp lights dim in contrast to the dark blue outside. Papers stay clutched by my side as I'm heading for the elevator to leave court. Then suddenly there's a man, running passed me before doubling back to take a second look at me. He's staring at me. I'm looking back. It's Gumshoe. And he's in a complete panic…I can see it written across his face. It's bright in the room. I remember the smell of the flowers in the lobby so clearly now. Funny how you can remember those sort of things…
"YOU! It's E-Edgeworth! Mr. Edgeworth, p-pal!" He's desperate, I can hear it so clear in his voice.
Edgeworth? W-what…
I'm staring at him; panic clenching tightly in my own chest. The way he says it…the way he's talking…w-what…happened?!
The detective looks close to tears. Biting down a lip, the man fumbles, and I'm suddenly painfully aware how completely naked the detective's panic is…even for him.
"Ed…Edgeworth? Gumshoe. What happened?!" I'm grabbing his sleeve tight, dark eyes holding his own. My own voice echoes in my head at the name. And after a pause, the case I'm holding clatters to the floor as the detective speaks, slow enough that time stops. I can barely hear my own breath. My own thoughts. He says it again.
"Prosecutor Edgeworth chooses the death sentence." And as I stand there he stops to explain. Explain how they found this note on his desk without anything else at all. Explain that no one's seen him for so long...no one can find him. Explain how odd he's been acting, how empty, how…how…broken. How the detective should've known. His own self doubting rants go numb to me, almost deafly so. It's almost like someone else is standing there, listening to Gumshoe go on about how he should've known better. How he should've done something…
I can't get a grip on reality. I'm staring. I'm staring. Everything…seemed so numb. So…numb. Cold. It all went empty for me on that day. Like my life was on hold, frozen in place without meaning. My eyes fixed on god knows what, staring through an empty void as Gumshoe rambled on, panicked voice reflecting my own thoughts.
It didn't take me long…not until I'm running through his office. Tearing apart files, books, letters, anything my hands reach. I'm going through his house, but it's spotless. Gone. Empty of clues, of proof, of anything. Only the letter is left. Nothing but one letter…one sentence...He's gone. Gone. He's never coming back. Never…coming…back…
I collapsed in that office. Collapsed, grabbing the side of his desk, shaking so hard. Sheets and papers spread across the office like a battle field, clock ticking softly, so softly in the background. I can't hold back. I can't stop from screaming. He's. Gone.
But…I see him now, though. See him standing there, in front of me, over a year later. A year. And he's here again. My fist tightens on the jacket, eyes staring a hole through the man in front of me, voice shaking so hard. "You…how can you…" And still. Oh god, still, he was so calm. So fucking calm! Too calm, unnervingly, painstakingly calm! I pull a fist back, yell as loud as I can and throw it hard into that damn calm face of his. We're on the ground and I'm shoving him against a wall, breath fast, eyes alive with emotion and anger and hatred. "YOU BASTARD!"
Now I'm flashing back again. Just the look on his face, the pounding in my veins sends another stream of memories forced into my vision, my mind. Painful memories.
It's a few months since the letter was found, I'm at the office, alone. Sitting in the cold, dusk casting a deep blue through my window. No one else there. No one else is there. It's been so long since I've even moved. Messages leave with a small 'beep' from the machine…gone unnoticed. Unchecked. It was far too cold, far too cold…for me to care.
And it's a week later. I'm walking down the side walk. It's getting colder. It's empty. I can't get a grip on anything…everything feels so damn numb. I'd just refused yet another client. How many did that make? I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure why they didn't just stop coming already. I was down on my payments. Losing money. Losing food. And I'm there again. The parking garage of the prosecutors office. But I don't go in. I never do…
It's getting colder. Another month gone by. My fists clench and unclench as I sit at my desk. I'm not sure how I made the payments. They're warning me I need to get out if I can't pay…
The weather outside is storming with snow, but I sit in the dark, heat turned off, TV singing softly in the background. The only source of light I have. My eyes are stuck on the papers below me, cases I'd already won. With him there by my side in that court room. My fists clench, shoulders shake…and I'm collapsing into myself. I can't stop it. Can't stop the pain. Where so long feeling wasn't there, where so long all I felt was that numbness, that empty cold, I suddenly can't stop it as it rushes through me.
Before I know what I'm doing, I'm ripping the case files apart. Yelling as loud as I can for the bastard to hear me…wherever he is. Wherever the bastard is… "HOW CAN YOU JUST LEAVE!? YOU COWARD!! Y-you…you T-TRAITOR! HOW CAN YOU J-JUST LEAVE!?" My whole body racks with emotion, gripping the shreds of paper hard in my hands. My voice braking. I'm falling. I'm falling…I can't get back up.
There's no funeral…not even a damn funeral. But really, should there be? There was no real proof he was dead, after all. Nothing but a note. A note and a missing body. No real proof that he was ever…really there…I wish there was. I wish I knew. I wish I knew what had happened…Yet somehow, dark, deep inside me, I do. His look…I should've known. I knew his look before he left me in that court room. It all seems so goddamn stupid…so simple now. Why didn't I know? Why didn't I say anything? I should've stopped him. I remember how he looked, so vividly in my mind. The last time I'd ever seen him alive. So why didn't I stop him? Why…why…why did he just leave?...Why…couldn't I…just have told him to just stay.
Now…it's again, so much later since I'd first seen that note…longer than I can really put together. It seems every time I see Gumshoe…the judge…everyone else Edgeworth and me had come across…it seems they've moved on. So easily. Their looks returned to normal. The pain vanished like a quick dream for them. And somehow…it all seems so unfair. So bitterly unfair. I'm left here with nothing but anger, but pain, nothing but every feeling inside me to keep me up nights. Keep me from eating, from sleeping…I don't see the same hatred in their eyes. I don't see them staying up nights…or yelling at the air…for no one to hear.
Months go by…like years. Painfully slow. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop putting away everything in me. I'm sitting before a client. It's been so long. I've almost stopped coming to the office at all. I'm so much colder now. Darker and warn. I know they can see it in my eyes…I just can't care anymore. I feel the hatred, the suppressed feelings eat away at what I am. Who I am. Even still, I push it all back, numb it all again. I'm signing a contract, putting myself up for my next case. The very next case I vowed I would never do again…Vowed to the air that I would never again take.
"That's right…I became a lawyer so I could meet him in court…meet him again…"
What a laugh. Meet him in court. Save him. "Yes Ma'am!" I'm smiling in that memory. Determined. Persistent. "I want to be a lawyer…so I can save my friend…before it's too late."
Too late…I'm almost grabbing my head at just the memory alone. Body trembling. Too late. Too late. I was…god, what was I doing!? I was…too late…to save him. Too late. He was gone. I'd vowed everything on becoming a lawyer, on saving him. And now he was gone. Gone. Without anything at all…I'd failed. Me…I'd failed him.
And now, right now, I can't stop looking at him. Staring, shaking, crying so hard. I can't stop crying. Not now that he's sitting in front me. In the present again, my memories so clear, my eyes burn down at him. My fist is pounding, throbbing with hot pain from punching him. My eyes alive with anger, grief, hatred I'd repressed for so long.
The only way to move on…only way to move on…I remember well. As much as I push it out, I still remember those nights. I still remember everything so clearly. No. No. He left. He left. I had to throw him away. I was so mad. So…so angry. I can't stop myself. "You…bastard..." My voice broke, shaking hard as I bared down on him. I tried to keep my composure. I tried to keep myself from crying. I tried so hard, but none of it seemed to work. Not even a little.
"I…I…" My voice faded, braking into silence, and I grabbed the cloth against both of his shoulders tightly in my fists, tears falling so hard. I couldn't stop them. I don't hold back. I don't hold back and it just explodes from me. Before I can even stop it, it's there. Right there. "It's my fault! W-why…why didn't I save you?! Stop you…" My fault…all my fault…I can't believe that comes out. I hadn't even meant for it to…I really…hadn't meant for it to.
But it was true…so goddamn true. I saw his eyes in my head from that day. The figure that stood before me…before leaving…for what I thought was forever. Leaving me…leaving me behind. Without ever knowing…knowing how I felt. What I'd sacrificed. Without knowing anything at all. I vowed to save him. I did. So many times. He'd left. He'd died.
"I-it's my fault…" I'm saying it again. Repeating it to the air, bitterly. I feel useless, bitter, my body, my arms shaking harder against his shoulders. I'm braking. And Edgeworth, he's looking back at me as if he's never properly seen me before. Shocked…completely silent…I can barely get out my words, head so full, I'm shaking so hard.
"I…" Damn it. I grab him, before I even know what I'm doing, irrationally I'm suddenly hugging him so tightly. I don't let him go…I can't. So afraid he'd just disappear, just like before. So pathetically afraid I'd never have this chance again. And still…god, still, so angry. So scared…"You left …" Shaking, I could barely make out my own words growled into the back of his neck. And I'm giving a bitter laugh, still refusing to let go. "You just left. I…how can you do that. Leave. A-are you that s-stupid Edgeworth!? DIDN'T YOU THINK I'D CARE!?..."
Silence. It drew on forever, only my broken, uneven breaths filling the void. It was so long…before he finally pushed me back. Somehow, I let him. I knew how foolish it was…childish. I'd ranted on about nothing, broken down, yelled. But I didn't care. I…I…c-couldn't…
I felt his hand pressed against my face, an expression of pain I'd never…seen before on him. In his eyes. No…I'd never seen this…not on Edgeworth…not like this. But it was there. So clearly…there. I felt myself tense, still shaking, staring right back at him.
"Wright…" He seemed almost at a loss. Silently shaking his head…as if it had all finally dawned on him. His eyes filled with such guilt, pain, and suddenly he was reaching up with the other hand, pulling me foreword by the back of my head.
"What are y-" And shit. He was kissing me. Before I even knew how to react. No hesitation, no uncertainly…it felt almost like he'd waited to do this for a while. I couldn't move. Couldn't think. I felt so shocked as he pulled away, staring down at him in disbelief, trying to even understand what exactly had just happened. My brain didn't seem to work right. And wait…no. It wasn't right. Not for a second had I thought that this would end up here. But…then…why…
I felt so confused, so insane, and suddenly…he was smiling. So slightly, the bastard was smiling up at me, giving me an almost amused…almost touched look. I couldn't even talk. Still so mad…so confused. Why was he smiling!?
"You have no idea…Wright." He shook his head softly, the pain still clear in his eyes. He was still slouched in that uncomfortable looking position against the wall, a dark bruise forming on the side of his chin. "You were always…so slow on the uptake…" A smile so faint crossed his face and he was touching mine again. I didn't pull away. "You really…cared about me that much?" His voice so distant, eyes filling with a softer pain. I flinch. And he frowns at that. "Wright…" A pause and he's looking at me. "I left…to find myself. My purpose. But somehow…this time…I was the one…who never saw. I was…blind. Foolishly so." And he looks down, grin almost broken, hand dropping to his side. "Heh…I never imagined…you could care about a fool like me. Not really. You're so…predictable. And yet…" He shook his head, sighing softly. "I never saw."
I looked down at him, eyes piercing into his. Betraying to my own feelings. I really couldn't explain my reaction to that. The honesty in his words. The shock. And I couldn't help it. Couldn't even stop myself, even as I tried. Because…he was right.
Without warning, all of it was collapsing in on me all over again. Just like so long ago. I was shaking…harder now. Insides burning. All the feelings I'd denied, I'd hated, that had consumed me to that point….all back so clearly now. So real, so…powerfully alive. It'd been so long…so long. And the tears were back too, but so different now. I almost felt ashamed of them now, looking away from his gaze. Damn it…
"I'm right…aren't I?" And…he was right. I hated him for being right…but he was right. It hurt. It hurt. I cared so goddamn much. And it fucking hurt. I couldn't respond, not trusting my own voice. But somehow, he really didn't seem to mind. Leveraging his body, he pushed himself up and was suddenly hugging me. I felt so weak…I couldn't even stop those damn tears.
"Y-you're…such a bastard…" I whispered weakly, though it didn't have much force at all. He shook his head, I felt it against my shoulder.
"Yea…I know, Wright." He seemed to mean it. That was a surprise. His voice was softer, and even as he spoke, I couldn't help myself. Grabbing his shirt with a shaking hand, I felt my head fall against him in the middle of that lobby. The same damn lobby Gumshoe had come running through over a year ago. The same one I'd found out he was gone. The feelings returned. Sharp. Clear. My hand gripped tighter.
"You…are you going to leave again?..." I didn't mean to sound that angry…or that scared. He paused for a long moment, barely moving at all. I could feel him breathing, feel my own chest clenching tightly, grip firm. He didn't answer. And the silence drew on.
Finally…"Wright…" Then another pause. I felt his head shake again to the side, grip around me tighter now. His voice shook. He sounded suddenly miserable. Almost…vulnerable. "I don't…plan on leaving you behind. Not again. Not like that…"
I paused. Listening to the words as they hung in the air. I guess I was slow on the uptake after all...
He was…back. I let out a shaky breath, feeling my insides tighten sharply. He was back. The man I really thought I'd never see again…touch again, talk with…the one I'd yelled at in the darkness, strived years just to see again…He'd left me twice before. And as much as it hurt, he were we again. And…he was here again. I felt a weak grin spread over my face, soft and weary. Really, the first real one I can remember in such a long time. And I shut my eyes, breathing deep. He smelled the same…and somewhere, I wondered when it was I even recognized that scent at all.
"You…better not. I don't think I could really go through another six years of college…just to see you leave again." I let out another breath, so caught in the moment. Too oblivious to catch the pang of guilt and shock that went across his face or how tense he suddenly became. Somehow, I hadn't realized that I hadn't even told him the true reason I became a lawyer. Or that I'd finally let it slip for the first time. I was too tired, too happy, too scared to really notice.
We sat there…I can't remember how long. Holding each other so tightly. Somewhere, I remember distantly a few people passing by, stopping and staring, but neither of us seemed to mind. To care. I was too damn happy to really care. Relieved…and somehow, still so scared. So scared I'd lose him again.
I pulled back weakly, looking him in the eyes with an exhausted, weary smile. In a moment of clarity I guess I finally realized how Lana must have felt all those months before. All that time ago. Just after her trial, staring the judge in the eyes and giving that smile. It had been the last trial I'd really seen Edgeworth, looked him in the face as he turned to leave. The trial that had brought us that close. Lana Skye…her words seemed so clear to me now. And I felt myself smile too. I think finally…my own chains have lifted. And for the first time…in so long…I could really breathe again. I let out a breath. A soft laugh. He was back. And this time…nah, this time I wouldn't let him go.