This is my first shot at a fanfic, and I don't like the idea of getting stoned (in either sense of the word), so be nice when you review, please?
Disclaimer: If I owned Bleach, the rumors about UlquiHime would be more than just rumors.
"So what is it really?"
"Excuse me?" He looked at her with an expression that most would say was the same as always. Bored. Impassive. Nondescript. Only those who knew him well could tell that he was confused.
And there was only one person who knew him that well.
"Your Hollow hole. What is it?"
Ulquiorra, for all the years—no, decades he had spent in Hueco Mundo, serving Aizen-sama, and putting up with the fools who didn't even deserve to become Espada --coughGrimmjowcough--, could not figure out why this girl would ask such a pointless question.
But, he had been ordered to humor her….
He sighed. "Why do you want to know that?"
"I was just wondering…"
Uh-oh. He must have offended her. If she started crying Aizen-sama would be furious.
He answered quickly. "A Hollow's hole is a sign that they have lost their heart, and therefore have no conscience. Hollows live purely on instinct, and do not need their hearts."
There. That should satisfy her.
"I know that. I mean the Arrancar. What about yours?"
Or not.
Sigh. Again. "Orihime," he started, choosing his words carefully so as not to upset her again, "Arrancar are just Hollows with their masks broken off. There is no reason why we wouldn't have holes."
"But it's not on your heart."
For the second time that day, Ulquiorra was struck dumb. Orihime, not noticing, pressed further.
"A lot of Arrancar have holes in places besides their hearts. Especially in the Espada. Why is that?" She looked at him expectantly, as though he had the answers to everything.
Unfortunately for Ulquiorra, he didn't.
"Ulquiorra?"
'Why are our Hollow holes not through our hearts?'
"Um… Ulquiorra?"
'To be honest, I've never even thought about it but…'
"Ulqui-chan?"
"Do not call me that, woman," he snapped, silently reprimanding himself for drifting off. He was here to guard this girl and keep her from escaping, not to daydream!
And yet another sigh. "I am sorry, Orihime. I do not know."
Orihime, who had looked about to cry, brightened up at this. "Oh, no, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have been so insensitive! I was just curious and… I-I'm sorry…"
Ulquiorra, to say the least, was relieved. He knew that he was in no immediate danger, but for some reason, he felt as though he had dodged a bullet.
"I think…"
"Yes?"
"Oh, never mind! It's stupid."
"Orihime, if there is something on your mind, feel free to tell me." Wow. Since when was Ulquiorra capable of such kind words?
"Well, I was just thinking…," Orihime began, "maybe it has something to do with the way you died."
That made sense. Hollows, even Arrancar, were originally human souls, after all.
"So how do you suppose the other Espada died?" A small amused smile graced his lips for the first time in Heaven knows how long.
"Well, besides you, there's Grimmjow…"
That poor little smile didn't last too long as Ulquiorra heard the name of his long-time rival --coughnuisancecough--.
"So I think that since his hole is in his stomach, maybe he starved to death."
That brought the smile back. Ulquiorra could just imagine the normally brash and rude Grimmjow wasting away in a desert somewhere. "And Nnoitra?"
"His hole is in his left eye, right? Maybe he had pinkeye!" The very notion sent her into a fit of laughter. It was contagious. Even the normally stoic Ulquiorra could barely suppress a chuckle. "But what about Szayel?"
Ulquiorra stopped to consider this. 'Come to think of it, I've never seen Szayel's Hollow hole.'
"Hmm…"
She looked so cute concentrating like that. He just couldn't help but blurt out the first thing that came to his mind. "Maybe it was an STD?" 'Smooth, Ulquiorra. Real smooth.'
Orihime looked taken aback. She blushed and softly said, "That's not something you say to a lady, Ulqui-chan. Do you want me to slap you again?"
"It was merely a suggestion, as I have no idea where Szayel Apollo's hole is." He honestly hadn't meant to say it out loud. It had just sort of… slipped.
Besides, he really didn't want to get slapped again.
"So what about you? How did you die?"
A silly question. Of course he had…
died…
of…
…
Ulquiorra cleared his throat. "I'm afraid that neither I nor any of the other Arrancar can recall our deaths. We cannot remember when we were alive, either."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
Another sigh. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately.
"Don't be. It is not your fault." He glanced at the clock. "Excuse me. I will bring your dinner."
A week had gone by, uneventful. A rumor had spread among the low-ranking Arrancar that Ulquiorra had lost his mind. Every time he crossed paths with Grimmjow, he had quickened his pace to avoid being caught laughing at the sight of the blue-haired Arrancar. Only Orihime knew the truth, and she was just a human.
Speaking of Orihime…
Ulquiorra was currently taking a very large, and very heavy, medical journal to her room. Regardless of the peculiarity of her request, it was one of many that he had had to cater to over the past several weeks that she had been under his supervision.
It had taken him three days to find it in the library. Most of the books in Las Noches were on swordsmanship, or reference to some form of research conducted that Aizen-sama wished to use to attain his seat on Heaven's throne. Szayel, who owned several books such as the one Orihime had requested, was unwilling to lend any of them to Ulquiorra.
Why did Orihime want a medical journal anyway?
Entering her room, he set the book down on a nearby table and took his usual place in the corner. One of these days, he was going to wear a rut in the floor.
Orihime, upon hearing his arrival, looked up from her feet (she had nothing to do) and, letting out a squeal of delight, grabbed the book and plopped down on the bed with it.
Ulquiorra watched her flip through the huge book until he could no longer contain his curiosity.
"Orihime, your powers do not require you to know anything about the specific condition that you wish to reject. I would appreciate it if you informed me as to why you would need a medical journal in here." Okay, he hadn't meant to sound that curious.
Orihime continued her assault on the pages for several more minutes. Ulquiorra, annoyed at being ignored, was about to speak again when—
"I found it!"
"You found what?"
"This!" Orihime jumped up and ran over to him with the heavy book in tow. She dumped it into his arms so fast he nearly dropped it. Beaming proudly, she pointed to an article halfway down the page.
"Goiter: an enlargement of the thyroid gland located at the base of the throat; caused by a lack of iodine in the diet… You think this is how I died?"
"Well?"
She looked so proud of herself, having found an explanation for the unusual location of Ulquiorra's Hollow hole. Ulquiorra, on the other hand, was not nearly as enthusiastic.
"Your effort is commendable, Orihime, but as I told you, I cannot remember my life or how I died."
"I know. I just thought it would be nice to have an idea. Not knowing things can be scary sometimes."
Wait. Did she just say she did it for him?
"I see. I appreciate your thoughtfulness."
At that moment, Orihime smiled with all her heart. It was the most beautiful thing Ulquiorra had ever seen.
Later that night, Ulquiorra was walking down the hallways of Las Noches, making his way toward Aizen's throne room.
Going over his report in his head, he considered asking whether Aizen-sama knew anything about his death.
Another thought crossed his mind, but he quickly discarded it.
After all, negotiating for Orihime's release would undoubtedly be considered treason.
OWARI
So, I originally did this as part of my research project in Health. I didn't want to write a big writer's cramp-inducing report on exactly how an iodine-deficient diet would lead to goiter. I know it sounds lazy, and it is, but hear me out. Would you rather spend three hours online and sneak in a little Samurai Champloo manga while you're at it or sit at a desk and get carpal tunnel?
P.S. I know STDs aren't funny, but does anyone really know where Szayel's Hollow hole is?