Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to Star Trek: The Next Generation or Dad's Army. This work is made purely for shared entertainment and has been produced without any form of economic return.
---
Captain Mainwaring was on the phone to Colonel Pritchard discussing an occurance on the Home Front that he was not happy about getting involved in.
"I understand, sir," He responded to the information, "But my men are front-line fighting troops not spies." On the other end of the phone the colonel replied.
"I realise that, Mainwaring, but the facts remains that it just appeared overnight. All the other forces are busy and you're the closest platoon. Therefore I have no choice but to give you the order to investigate; use any means necessary to find out what's going on, neutralise any enemy threat it poses and report back."
"Very well, sir." Mainwaring answered in a manner that clearly indicated his displeasure in following these orders and put the phone back on the hook.
"Is everything all right, sir?" Sergeant Wilson asked.
"No, everything is not all right!" He answered. "We've just been ordered to investigate an unregistered military installation two miles North-East of here." Wilson took interest.
"Oh, then we might have a chance to meet some real Nazis." He commented.
"That's all very well," Mainwaring told him, "But this is espionage and we're fighting troops. Our job is to fight on the battlefield not snoop around inside unfamiliar buildings." This pretty well finished their conversation and they entered the hall to inspect and inform the troops.
"All right, everyone," Wilson called out, "Would you fall in, three ranks? Quick as you can, now." Mainwaring groaned at Wilson's habit of using requests instead of orders. "Right. Platoon... attention!" All but one snapped to attention, and then Corporal Jones did so.
"Stand at... ease!" Mainwaring commanded; the same thing happened in reverse. "Stand easy. Now men, I've just been talking to the Colonel on the phone and he's given us orders to investigate a construction two miles away!" They all had mixed feelings on their faces. "Now I know you'd all rather stand by at the shoreline, ready to engage the Nazis, but orders are orders and we must investigate. Hopefully we'll see some action when we get there. We will be making for this unauthorised building at 10:00 hours tomorrow, which is a Saturday so we won't have to worry too much about our businesses. Bring hammersack rations and something for sleeping in case we run into particularly time consuming difficulties. In the meantime we'll perform a few drills."
---
The next morning the platoon's transport was ready for the journey in the courtyard of the church hall and the platoon members were gathering next to it; currently everyone was conforming to Mainwaring's expectations but three members had yet to arrive. The first was Sergeant Wilson, who was carrying a shoulder bag.
"What's that for, Wilson?" Mainwaring asked him, bewildered and irritated.
"It's, err..." Wilson answered, "It's my bedding and things." Captain Mainwaring became rather annoyed.
"When I was talking about sleeping arrangements," He said, "I meant a blanket and a bedding roll not a whole linen cupboard!"
"Yes, well," Wilson attempted to explain, "Mrs Pike said that I needed to keep warm." Mainwaring didn't quite believe this but decided to see what sort of nonsense Pike would bring along. When the lad in question arrived he noticed that he wasn't carrying anything besides his rifle and his backpack, but the backpack looked like it had more supplies than everyone else's and Pike was still wearing his striped scarf and that there seemed to be one layer too many under his uniform.
"Well, Pike?" Mainwaring asked him in a tone that indicated the desire for an explanation.
"My mum didn't want me to catch cold," Pike answered, "And she was worried about me getting shot, so she thought that extra layers would stop any bullets getting through."
"That's hardly likely, is it." Mainwaring told him. "But it's not as bad as I expected." With that he indicated to Pike to join the rest of the platoon.
Once Godfrey arrived he was the silliest sight a member of the Home Guard can be; he was carrying a picnic hamper, an eiderdown and goodness only knew what was in his backpack and under his coat.
"Godfrey," Mainwaring told him, "I said hammersack rations not entire picnic hampers!"
"Well," Godfrey answered, "I didn't want anyone to go hungry so I brought some food for everyone and I kept the blanket in there because you can't have a picnic without a blanket or the food will get all messy."
"And how do you explain this?" Mainwaring continued, indicating the eiderdown.
"I wasn't sure where we may be sleeping," Godfrey answered, "So I brought this along in case of a chill." Mainwaring decided that this had gone far enough and got the entire platoon together so as to make an announcement.
"Alright, men!" He called out. "Before we move off I'd just like to say a few words. I have overlooked various quirks and behaviours in my platoon several times in the past but, considering the responsibility given to us; I cannot allow it to go on any longer. When this assignment has been accomplished I do not want to see any more provisions being carried than specified, any civilian clothes on top of your uniforms and no bedding surplus to military specifications." Once finished he then told the men to board the van they used as transport while Jones, Wilson and himself got in the front.
---
Although the installation was only two miles away from their HQ as the crow flies access was only available via a winding network of secluded lanes making the journey time eight times longer than otherwise. By the time Wilson spotted the building they had already used two-thirds of the fuel.
"Okay Jones," Mainwaring stated upon seeing the strange metallic construct, "Get as close as you can on what you've got left. When our work is done we'll see about getting some fuel either from anything the installation has or from the nearest pump."
As it happens the route from where it was visible from the road to the installation itself was relatively short; Jones still had a fifth of the fuel they started with when they were within 100 yards of it. Mainwaring was uneasy when he saw that there was some kind of garage straight ahead with the road they were on leading right inside it; Wilson noted that some of the greenery near the construct looked charred and scorched and that there were earthen works around the perimeter of it.
"Jones," Mainwaring ordered, "Go in carefully." He called into the back. "Ready your rifles! Don't fire unless I say! There might be an ambush in there." With that the van trundled into the building with a sound that suggested that the floor of this garage-like section was made of metal; it was.
---
Once Jones stopped the van about three yards before it would've run into a metal wall Mainwaring ordered the platoon to disembark; the area they were in was lit rather softly. Looking back he noticed that very little natural light was penetrating because they had gone below ground level along a ramp of some sort; something was definitely not right.
"Assume all round defensive positions." He ordered as he attempted to gauge what was going on, to see if there was anywhere that an ambush could come from. The low light made it difficult to find any inconsistencies in the surroundings, which Mainwaring's common sense told him should be there. "Hand me the torch, Wilson." The sergeant looked at him in his classic sceptical manner.
"What torch?" Wilson asked, which did not please Mainwaring one bit.
"I distinctly remember telling you to bring a torch." He grumbled.
"No, sir," Wilson responded, "The word 'torch' never passed your lips." Walker wasn't far off and had been ear wigging, which is why he now said.
"Here, I've got a torch, Mr. Mainwaring." He pulled it out of his trouser pocket and handed it to him. "For you, ten shillings." This earned him a stern, disapproving look from the captain; Walker acted as though he never suggested it. As Mainwaring scanned the walls for anything that could be used as a cover for an enemy attack he noticed a few air vents and a couple of panels but nothing else.
"Number three section," He ordered, "Keep us covered. The only way we can be taken by surprise is if we're taken from the rear. Sponge, take your section and investigate the thing on that wall." He pointed to his left. "Jones, bring your section over here." Just as he turned to his right he remembered his sergeant. "You come along to, Wilson." If there was more trust on Mainwaring's part he would've left Wilson to command number three section.
As number one section, Capt. Mainwaring and Sgt. Wilson gathered around the panel there was one thing that was most noticeable.
"There are letters and number on this, Mr. Mainwaring." Jones commented as they mused over the alphanumeric keys.
"Any ideas as to what it's for?" Mainwaring asked, Pike quickly became a bit too involved at this stage.
"Let's see, Mr. Mainwaring." He said as he absent-mindedly tapped some of the keys at random.
"Frank," Wilson told him, "Will you leave that thing alone." But it was too late. A strange clanging whirring sound rang through the chamber as what natural light was available became cut off.
"You stupid boy." Mainwaring criticised him. "You've just locked us all in."
"Well," Pike defended, "We can soon open it up again." He was about to try the panel again before a bark from the captain stopped him.
"Walker," Mainwaring instructed, "See what you can get out of it." The platoon spiv approached the panel and attempted to crack the code without tapping anything.
"Tell me, Pikey," Walker inquired, "Which buttons did you press to close the garage door?"
"Oh," Pike tried to recall, "I think it was AF1384D."
"Right," Walker responded, "So if I…" He typed a few more buttons and nothing happened. "No, that's not it." He tried a few more times, resulting in no response before Wilson stepped in. He pressed just two buttons and a hissing sound was heard as a door previously unseen to them slid open next to the panel.
"Good lord, Wilson." Mainwaring commented. "How did you find that?"
"Well," Wilson replied, "It just struck me that C2 would yield a result." Shrugging his shoulders Mainwaring walked through the doorway and indicated for the rest of them to follow while number two section were still struggling with their panel.
Captain Mainwaring, Sgt. Wilson and number one section now found themselves in a corridor with wall-to-wall carpeting, plenty of light from large glass rectangles in the ceiling and cream-coloured walls. Just as Godfrey passed through the doorway at their rear the door itself slid shut behind them.
"Don't worry about it." Mainwaring instructed them upon noticing the closed door. "We've got some investigating to do; anyway we know the code to open it again."
"Permission to speak, sir!" Jones shouted, earning a quick hush from the wary soldiers. "Do you want us to march along or to move in a more circumcised fashion?" He asked in a more subdued tone.
"I think we'll do this circumspect." Mainwaring answered. "Be ready to shoot in case there are any Nazis around, but don't go stomping about. We're not on the parade ground now." With this he pulled his revolver out and slowly walked along the corridor with the other six following two-by-two.
By this time Sponge and his four men had cracked the code to the door next to the panel they were investigating; upon passing through they found a corridor with brighter lighting but with only two-thirds of the floor being carpeted and the walls being a strongly metallic colour.
---
There was little of significance during the first minutes of the recce; Mainwaring found only a few junctions in the corridor and some blank screens that looked like oversized televisions before finding something up ahead that looked like another of those sliding doors that he had identified upon entering the corridors. The six who were with him had not split up to search the other corridors just yet, preferring to keep their rear guarded until the most direct path through the complex had been scouted.
"Walker," Mainwaring called out, "See what you make of that." He indicated the apparent door ahead; Walker made for it in the hopes of locating a panel but was surprised to find the door open of its own accord as he approached, or doors as two slid in opposite directions. He entered the small room behind it and Mainwaring followed, after which Wilson, Jones and Pike followed before the doors closed behind them. Godfrey hobbled towards them but they did not open.
"Are you all right, Capt. Mainwaring?" He shouted.
"Godfrey," Mainwaring replied, "This appears to be some kind of lift. You and Frazer reconnoitre on this floor while we try the other floors." With this order acknowledged Frazer dragged Godfrey away from the lift and back to the last corridor junction. In the lift Walker looked around to find how to get it moving.
"Blimey," He exclaimed upon finding the buttons, "There are only four floors and they must be upside down."
"What makes you say that, Walker?" Mainwaring asked.
"According to this we're on the fourth floor, rather than the first." He replied.
"Must be measuring from ground level, downwards." Mainwaring hypothesised. "Let's go to the first floor; maybe there's something important on the floor that would appear to have top priority." Walker pressed the button and a whirring indicated that the lift was on the move, a slight dropping sensation indicated that they were going up.
---
Number two section now found themselves in a round chamber in the middle of which was a long metal tube with blue glass stuck here and there; it was like being inside a lighthouse but without any stairs. One of the soldiers was now messing around with a keypad, which Sponge reprimanded him for.
"I'm just having a look." He answered when there was a loud hum and the blue glass in the central cylinder lit up and various screens came on, displaying nothing but a meaningless combination of letters, numbers and punctuation marks.
"Cor dear." Sponge commented. "Assume all round defensive positions; if there are any Germans around here they'll know we've arrived for sure now."
---
When the lift stopped and the doors opened Mainwaring found himself in a rather swish-looking office. There were two levels connected by two ramps, a load of swivel chairs and various desks with those oversized screens, including a really big one dominating the room. There appeared to be only two other doors so he told Walker and Jones to keep them under observation while assigning Pike to keep guard on the lift, not in the lift.
"What do you think this is all about, Wilson?" He asked his sergeant.
"Well," He mused, "It could be just a façade to make us believe that they've made great advancements."
"Psychological warfare." Mainwaring identified. "That would be the sort of shabby trick they'd play." They continued to try and make sense of all the different desks and symbols on them while the other three maintained guard.
After a few minutes with Mainwaring and Wilson going over the various things in the room Pike got bored and started randomly tapping a few buttons on a nearby console. Wilson turned around and caught him at it.
"Frank," He called out, "Don't mess about!" He was worried as to what Pike might do. The shout caught Mainwaring's attention.
"Pike!" He ordered. "Leave that alone before…" It was too late as a new humming filled not just this room but the whole building. The humming grew to a grumbling, and the grumbling grew to a mighty rumbling and out of the ground the rockets started booming; sending the entire complex roaring into the sky. Walker had gone into a neighbouring room, which looked like some kind of conference room, and could see the outside; the take-off was so forceful that to those outside it was like the whole caboose had exploded. He immediately dashed back into the first room.
"Here, cap," He informed Mainwaring, "We must be on some sorta spaceship. We've just blasted off."
"You stupid boy." Mainwaring scolded Pike.
"We're going into space!" Jones shouted as he listened in. "Don't panic! Don't panic!" Mainwaring immediately gave strong verbal encouragement to calm down.
"Right," Mainwaring decided to go into action, "Wilson, go around this thing and tell the rest of the platoon to come up here. Pike, you've got us into this mess, see if you can get us out of it. Walker, Jones, see if you can assist."
---
Wilson found Frazer and Godfrey coming out of some form of sleeping quarters; they were already aware of what's going on. He told them to follow him; the seriousness of the situation making him forget his upper class protocol and instead take decisive action.
He got number three section to follow him out of the bay area; it took him a while to open the door number two section went through though. When he found Sponge and the rest of that section he gave the same order but, before he left, he managed to tap a few simple keys.
Back at the lift he informed the twelve soldiers there how to get to Captain Mainwaring. Upon reaching the cockpit thing he found that Pike, Walker and Jones had been busy. In their attempts to stop the ship's ascent into space they had inadvertently activated the large screen, giving them a full view of the Earth zooming away from them, and activated an array of techno-jargon on the smaller screens around them.
"We can't seem to stop it, sir." Walker told Mainwaring when, all of a sudden, the roar went away and a gentle hum replaced it; now the Earth was not rushing away but just sat there.
"By Joe," Mainwaring exclaimed, "How did that happen?"
"I think it must've been the engines." Wilson informed him. "Before we returned I typed the code we use for the bank's safe into a pad in some kind of engine room, I'd guess."
"Mr. Mainwaring," Pike spoke up as he checked a diagram on one of the screens, "We're in orbit." After pondering the situation for a moment he calls everyone to gather round.
"Now, men," He tells them, "This is the most unusual situation we've been in. We're on board an alien spaceship, there are no apparent aliens on board, we've stopped its journey away from Earth but we don't know how to get it back down there. What's the time now, Wilson?"
"Half past twelve, sir." He answered.
"12:30, huh?" Mainwaring pointed out. "You'd better have lunch now. We know how to open the docking bay's doors and we know how to use the lift. Let's see if we can figure out how to get this thing back on Earth."
During the rest of the day the platoon checked out every panel they could find but whatever they punched in nothing happened, good or bad. Eventually the time came for them to get some sleep; to this end Mainwaring told them to kip either in the apparent cockpit or the conference room Walker found. What they didn't know was that Wilson hadn't turned the engines off nor did he permanently slow them down; he had activated a 12-hour sleep mode rendering the ship incapable of following any path except the 10-hour orbit around the Earth.