DANGER MOUSE:
FUTURE IMPERFECT
WRITTEN BY ZARIUS
(Contains spoilers for "A Fistful of Penfolds")
Soundtrack: "I Never Even Told You" From Batman: Mask of the Phantasm
The west side of London had never seen such peril.
Well, Ok, maybe it has seen it's fair share of peril, but this had been a fairly quiet couple of days up until this point, so let me rephrase that and say the west side of London had never seen such danger all weekend.
Professor Squawkencluck's Tenfold battalion had been turned against her by the rogue droid who had christened himself Meanfold, and only the imperfections of Danger Mouse's faithful sidekick Penfold were the means by which they were brought to a halt.
London was saved and lessons were learned.
But that's not all that had happened that day, oh no.
Some of our favourite people took a bold step forward, and now the time had come to talk.
The Colonel had decided to spend the rest of the weekend riding off into uncharted territory on horseback, leaving the Danger Agency unmanned.
Normally, this would be the ideal time to throw a party, but the agents were already debating furiously over whom best would replace the Colonel in command until his return. Danger Mouse was caught up in the heated exchanges trying to throw his own name into the prize raffle hat.
That's right; they're holding a random raffle to determine the new commander-in-chief.
Even I, your humble narrator, have a horse in this race.
That horse's name happens to be Ed; he's been on Channel 5 nature documentaries. Lovely animal.
Yes, Commander-In-Chief, you'd think DM's able assistant would be eager to start calling him that if he's fortunate enough to win.
But that is not what is on Penfold's mind this evening as he remains held up in Professor Squawkencluck's lab.
He stood there, his fingers twiddling, he spotted the taser the Professor had been using on the Tenfold army to bring them to order whenever an imperfection in their programming had been detected, a mistake which had turned the prototype into Meanfold and caused the whole mess.
Penfold wandered if the emotional imperfections he was feeling now would go away if he took the taser device and zapped himself with it, maybe it would annoy the Professor and she'd tell him off and send him scampering out of the lab, and thus avoid all of the awkwardness.
No, he couldn't evade this, to provide distance between the Elephant and the room was not the answer he was looking for, it wouldn't be fair to him, or to her.
It starts with one thing
"So...Professor, I just wanted to ask you..."
"...If I'll fill in the Colonel's shoes? No thank you, I'm much too busy tinkering away at these Tenfolds, I'm sure the mouse has rigged the raffle so he'll win regardless"
"Well, not exactly...it's just..."
"...Ok, level with me, it's about why I tried to replace you with a superior model isn't it?" Squawk replied.
Penfold stalled.
Was this the better question to ask of her?
His mind kept racing back to what had happened on the wagon the pair rode in on after escaping the Tenfolds. He repeated, in her voice, the four words that had sprang from Squawk's lips just as she realised the perfect sidekick was standing just in front of her, he kicked himself for almost reciprocating the sentiment, and what the Professor had done afterwards when she realised he was serious.
She clearly wasn't ready to deal with the reality of what she'd said; he knew that, that's why she pushed him back. That had to be the answer.
At least the answer his own mind and soul had to settle for.
Still, he needed something definite from her, something that felt safe to ask, maybe she sensed that as well, and chose to retrace her steps to how it all began that day, or for the last several days.
Clearly, the Tenfold program had been a passion project of hers for quite a while; she had been fixated on trying to have him replaced.
T he question for Penfold now was simple.
Who did this benefit more?
Penfold needed to know.
"Sure Professor, that's totally it, give me the dirt, I promise I won't bury you in it" he said.
"You won't?" Squawk asked.
Penfold nodded.
"Oh you humble little hamster, you're quite the catch, Scarlett was lucky to have you" she said.
"Scarlet? As in Johamster? My ex?" Penfold replied.
"Of course, when I heard you two had split, I figured it was this accursed occupation we occupy ourselves with that had driven a wedge between the pair of you. You could have had such a great future together, my little star with a starlet, a match made in the heavens. You can tell who the hopeless romantic in the room is just by how I describe things"
"So you started the Tenfold programme to create someone that would replace me...all so Scarlet could have me for herself?" Penfold replied.
"Exactly, you had what every member of this agency craves Penfold, actual understanding and companionship, and more importantly, a major celebrity connection. You could have sold the rights to our stories to Hollywood. I could have gotten someone to play me on screen too" she said.
The two looked each other in the eye and were temporarily mesmerised.
"Yeah, totally crazy right?" she said nervously.
"You know Professor; we're so busy trying to perfect our world that we run the risk of creating an imperfect future for ourselves and our loved ones. I'll have to be more careful, but only as long as you're more careful with your good intentions" Penfold suggested.
"How careful would you like?" Squawk seductively muttered.
"I didn't quite catch that" Penfold teased, lying to her and himself.
"I think you'd better check on the Mouse, see if he's hit the big time" she said.
"Oh crumbs, good point, there is an awfully big clock in that assembly hall" Penfold replied.
As he dashed off, the Professor went back to work, the conversation that had replaying in her mind for the duration of the day and well into her pleasant and peaceful dreams.
Had she been more selfish this day, if her devotion to the Danger Agency wasn't a priority, she would have revealed it wasn't for Scarlet and Penfold's benefit...but to free Penfold from his responsibilities so someone else could stand a chance at giving him happiness
That someone had almost revealed her intentions to him on the wagon, with four desirable words.
I could kiss you
She smiled.
One day she would.
For now, he was a friend.
He had to be.
Things were still imperfect.