Once upon a time, in a faraway land called California, up somewhere near Monterey, lived the Torres family, which consisted of Mama Torres and her three ugly kids, Pepé, Rosy, and Emilio. Pepé was the oldest. He was just about grown up. One day, Mama Torres sent Pepé on a ride on the caballo (the horse) over to the Rodriguez' place several miles away, on some errand or other. He came back that same night, just before sunrise, even though he was supposed to sleep over; he came back because apparently the Rodriguezes had other guests over for dinner that night as well, they had wine, one of the guests got to acting like a jerk, he called Pepé some names, got him real pissed off, and Pepé stabbed the guy to death. Good going, Pepé.

"We have to do something, Mama!" Pepé said. "The police are going to come get me!"

Mama Torres rolled her eyes. "Ay, cielos. I knew this was going to happen, one of these days," she said as she got out of bed. "My predictions are getting more and more accurate."

She opened a box near her bed and fetched a crystal ball out of it, went to the front door, and held the object up towards the small bit of sun that had just begun to appear over the horizon.

"What is that?" Pepé asked. "What are you doing?"

"Cállate for a second, por favor," she said, keeping her eyes fixed on the crystal ball.

After a few moments had passed, Pepé said, "Mama, the police! I must escape before they reach me!"

Ignoring him, she lowered the crystal ball, finally averting her gaze from it, and said, "Yep, just as I thought."

"You must get some food for me," Pepé continued. "Something that won't spoil, like beef jerky. Then I'll mount the other caballo and ride away as fast as I can."

"Wrong," she said, going back over to her bed and putting the crystal ball back where she got it. "If you do that, you'll die. It's a sure thing."

"But what else can I do?"

"Wake up your brother and sister," Mama Torres ordered. "Tell Rosy to fetch the broom, and all three of you meet me outside behind the house."

Pepé obeyed. A few minutes later, Mama Torres' three children stood silently out back, waiting for her. When she finally appeared, she was wearing a dress that was completely black, from top to bottom. She had one of her other dresses in one hand (not a black one, just a regular one), and a mortar and pestle in the other.

"Hold this, por favor," she said to Pepé, handing him the dress. He took it from her without saying a word, but inside he was feeling quite anxious.

She pounded whatever was inside of the mortar with the pestle a few times, then tossed the substance in Pepé's face. It created a dust-like cloud around him, causing him to cough. When it cleared, Pepé was no longer Pepé. He had turned into a woman.

He was the mirror image of his mother.

"You won't be the one fleeing," Mama Torres said, "I will be. There can't be two of us in the same place. You will remain here and adopt my identity."

The two younger children stood staring at their new brother-mother, absolutely dumbfounded.

"That dress is for you to wear, as are the others I'm leaving behind. Don't worry, you still have your nads, and since you don't have any boobs, you'll have to wear padding. It is not me, but you, that the police will be coming after, but they will have no idea that you are really Pepé, so you will be safe. Of course, the flip side of this is that now you are the one who will be responsible for looking after and raising these other two crotch-droppings of mine." She pointed to Emilio and Rosy as she said that, whose mouths were still hanging wide open, though they had nothing to say.

"I will be gone, to start a new life of my own all over again. And I'll be dipped in caca before I even consider ever having any kids again."

Mama Torres took out a black conical hat that she had been concealing behind her back up until that moment and placed it on her head.

"You're such an idiot," she said to Pepé as she straightened the hat in place. "I hope you realize that you got exactly what you deserved out of this."

She took the broom away from Rosy. "Oh, and by the way, don't bother trying to use any of my witch supplies. They won't work for you like they do for me. That goes for all three of you."

She mounted the broom and took flight into the morning sky. Within moments, she had flown far enough to be out of sight.

Finally managing to speak, Rosy said, "Que extraño. I never knew Mama was a bruja."

"Nor I," said Emilio. "I thought we were Catholic. All those things she told us about El Diablo..."

"¡Caramba! She was working for him the whole time! What a sly, clever woman. I do admire her, ever so much."

Emilio nodded in agreement. "I'm going to miss her."

Directing their attention once again to Mama Pepé, who remained stunned silent, the children tugged eagerly at the cloth of his/her pants.

"We're hungry," Rosy said. "Go change into your dress and then make us breakfast."

"¡Ándale!" Emilio added.