Summary::: Edward and Jasper are becoming a lot more than brothers, Emmett and Rosalie go off on a quest to find Elvis Presley, Alice becomes a sharpie addict, Carlisle and Esme have a strange obsession with oak trees, and Bella goes insane. What has happened to the Cullen family?
Why, hello there. I guess you've come to read my story. Well go on now, it won't bite… (if you're lucky enough that is)
Disclaimer:: I don't own Twilight or New Moon or any of the characters. I sure as hell wish I owned Edward, but so does every other girl. So -sigh- my invisible Edward will just have to do. So, read, my friends….read!
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As Edward pulled up into the Swan driveway, the front door slammed open. "Edward, WHERE have you been?" Bella demanded.
A confused look crossed Edward's face as he replied, "I was at home getting dressed for school, why do you ask?"
"You should have been here THREE minutes ago!" Bella fumed.
"I'm sorry, my love. Won't happen again." Edward replied, still utterly confused. He knew well enough not to ask why she was mad, that always made her madder.
Bella slammed the door and sat down on the passenger seat hard. She crossed her arms and looked out the window, saying nothing.
They drove to school in an awkward silence.
Just as Edward had found a decent spot in the overcrowded school parking lot, the other Cullens pulled up.
Bella decided to keep giving Edward the cold shoulder, so she left him to go talk with Alice.
Jasper tip-toed over to Edward ballerina-style. "Edward!" He said perkily with a twirl.
"Hey, Hot Stuff!" Edward exclaimed, eyes scanning up and down Jasper's body.
"How are you on this fine, fine morning?" Jasper asked in a high-pitched voice.
"Not good. Bella…well, she blew up on me again. I swear…it just gets worse and worse! I don't know what to do!" Edward exclaimed hopelessly. He looked as if he was close to tears.
"Aw, it's okay. Let Jasper make you all better." He cooed, and wrapped his arms around Edward.
"Thanks. I needed that." Edward exhaled loudly, it felt as if a huge weight had been taken off of his shoulders.
"What you need is this." Jasper whispered in a seductive tone in Edward's ear as his hands slid down Edward's pants.
Edward bitch-slapped Jasper in the face. "How COULD you violate me like this?" Tears were streaming down his face as he stalked away, like an angry teenage girl. Jasper stared after him, surprised at his reaction. He had thought Edward felt that way about him, too.
Suddenly, Edward turned on his heel and ran back to Jasper. "Please take me back! I shouldn't have left you like that. I know you hate me, but please…give me one more chance!" He exclaimed, tears running down his cheeks in torrents.
"Hmm…" Jasper appeared to be contemplating whether or not to take Edward back. He was prolonging his response just to antagonize Edward. Edward's eyes were wet with tears, and his eyes were pleading.
"I guess so-" Jasper had started to say. "Oh, thank you! Thank you!" Edward exclaimed, cutting Jasper off. He let out a girlish squeal of happiness and hugged Japer, one leg popped in the air.
"On one condition." Jasper warned.
"Yes? Anything! Anything!" Edward was bouncing up and down like a four-year-old.
"Tonight we go…hunting." Jasper started giggling uncontrollably.
"Sure!" Edward exclaimed happily.
They walked to class hand-in-hand.
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When they got to class, they found Bella talking animatedly to her pen.
"And omigod can you believe who Jessica's going out with?" She concentrated on the pencil for a second. "Are you serious? No way! I can't believe she left him!" Her eyes were wide from the juicy gossip she had just received from her pencil.
Bella then proceeded to share this information with a nonexistent being that was sitting in the desk next to her- the desk Edward usually sat in. Edward awkwardly approached the chair. "Um, is this seat taken?" He asked Bella politely.
"Well obviously it is! Can you not see Hilga sitting right there? Are you blind?" Bella scoffed. She ignored Edward and continued filling "Hilga" in.
Edward and Jasper found seats on the other side of the classroom and whispered sweet nothings into each other's ears. "Edward! Jasper," Barked the teacher, "Would you like to see me after school in detention?"
Jasper smiled coyly. "No. But I would like to see you in bed." A few students took out their camera phones to capture the priceless look on their most-hated math teacher's face. Jasper blew a kiss in his direction.
Edward laughed heartily. "It is your wit that attracts me to you so." He spat out through laughter.
Finally their teacher seemed to have composed himself enough to say, "Jasper, I want you-" Jasper took that mid-sentence moment to change his mood to be more…sexual. "To strip!" He exclaimed, pulling out his wallet and fanning out about ten one dollar bills.
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At lunch, Jasper was trying to explain to Alice what had happened during First Period.
"Ohmigod, and then I like totally seduced him," Jasper was saying, "Alice! Are you listening to me? I am like…offended." He made a talk-to-the-hand sign.
Alice took no notice of that as she sniffed a pink sharpie. "Yellow! I need yellow!" She screamed, as she rummaged through her backpack. She triumphantly held up a yellow sharpie and deeply inhaled. "Ah, that's more like it!"
Jasper made a disgusted sound and said, "What-ever!" He turned to Bella. "Bella, my dah-ling!" He drawled. He grabbed a lock of her hair. "Your hair looks simply mah-va-lous today."
Bella stared at him with large I'm-a-deer-in-headlights eyes. She pointed at him and jumped up screaming, "Rape! Rape! Get him off me!" She ran around the cafeteria screaming it repeatedly at the top of her lungs. People stared, curious, but continued eating as if it weren't too big of a deal. Bella did things like this a lot lately.
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Emmett and Rosalie were in deep discussion about a singer, Elvis Presley. On the way to school they had heard one of his songs and they hadn't shut up about him since then.
"He is the greatest singer ever!" Rosalie gushed. "I know, right?" Emmett agreed readily. "You know…I think we should do a bit of hunting. Like James did. Only, we're not going to eat our prey. We're going to make him sing for us!" Rosalie proposed.
"You mean Elvis? We should look for Elvis?" Rosalie nodded enthusiastically at this. "That sounds great! Let's go!" Emmett exclaimed exuberantly, getting up out of his chair and grabbing Rosalie's arm. He led her out the door and to the car. They were going on a road trip.
Once in the car, Rosalie thought to ask, "Where do we start?" Emmett smiled and said, "Why, the grocery store of course! Have you ever read World Weekly News? They always have updates on where Elvis was last seen!"
"Never checked." Was Rosalie's response.
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With Rosalie and Emmett gone on their Elvis Quest, Alice high on sharpies, and Bella now trembling in a corner scared of the toe fairy, Edward and Jasper got some alone time. It wasn't really "alone time" considering they were in a cafeteria full of high school students, but they obviously didn't care.
"Oh Jasper! You wild beast! Stop it!" Edward playfully swatted Jasper's shoulder.
Jasper didn't stop it. He kept going. "Oh, Jasper! You're so bad!" Edward cried out.
People started gathering around to watch. "Oh, Jasper! Jasper! Jasper!" Edward managed to say in between gasps of breath. (which he really didn't need to do, but this is MY STORY bitches!!!!)
Jasper was flapping his arms, wiggling his butt, and clapping his hands. He was doing the chicken dance. Someone in the crowd was doing the sound effects of the song, and speeding it up really fast. Jasper, and his vampire-quickness had no trouble keeping up with the tempo and was doing it at a blurring speed. The people were in awe.
Jealousy coursed through Edward's body. "Back off BITCHES! He's with me!"
Edward grabbed Jasper's arm and dragged him outside screaming, "He's mine!" all the way.
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Hee hee…I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did (which I'm positive you didn't). But yes, review. If you want to say bad shit, go right ahead. I'll take it like a man! -puts fists up in fighting stance-
I'm going to do a few more chappies, possibly right now… not sure. If you keep reading, I'll give you a waffle!!!! -dangles waffle in front of face and quickly snatches away-