Spring, 2008
"My name is Katniss Everdeen. I am 20 years old. I am a sophomore at UT. My father is dead. They came into my house a week ago and took my mother. No one is forcing me to be here. I have to get better for my sister, the only person I love."
The room is noticeable tense. When Dr. Aurelius asked me to share a little bit about myself, I don't imagine that she wanted me to verbalize one of my daily affirmations; the fragments I repeat to myself so I know exactly who I am, how I got here, and what is real.
"I like her better than Cashmere already," the lean figure to my right barks out to the rest of the group, "fuck rich kid problems, what this group needs is some more good ol' fashioned tragedy!" She has a spiked pixie cut and cheekbones that could cut diamonds. Her loose gray tank top shows off a full sleeve of tattoos. For the life of me I can't tell if she's joking, or if she is actually reveling in a new source of misfortune.
"Johanna, we cannot reference those outside of the circle by proper name while we are in session." Dr. Aurelius scrunches up her face and pinches the bridge of her nose with frustration. I have a feeling this isn't Johanna's first offense.
"I think it's important to remember that this is a safe space…" A stunning, petite girl with voluminous cherry-black hair pipes up, only to drift off near the end of her sentence.
I turn toward the nervous beauty sitting on the coach to my left, waiting for her to finish her thought, but she only furiously wrings her hands, suddenly lost to the world around her.
"What Annie was trying to say is, this may be your first day here, but the three of us have shared a lot in this room. Whatever is said here, stays here. You start leaking our deepest, darkest secret to the general public and that trust is broken… leaving us all back at square one." This time it is the brunette next to Annie that speaks. She is sturdy, tall, and confident. Even though her hair is swept up into a perky ponytail and she is decked out in J Crew, I know this preppy isn't someone to cross.
"Delly's right," Johanna jumps in, "break the trust, and prepare for some broken limbs."
Delly snorts loudly at this, "Johanna uses her aggression as a defense mechanism. If you are afraid of her, you never get to know her. If you don't know her, you can't love her. If you don't love her, then she can't lose you."
"Shut the fuck up Delly." Johanna seethes, "I don't think Kitty Kat over there has earned the right to hear my life story just yet."
Suddenly the focus has been shifted back to me. This is not what I was expecting on my first day of group therapy. Dr A had assured me that joining an all women's group would help me foster a greater sense of warmth and affection in my life. So far I was just hoping that I'd be able to leave without a black eye.
Sensing my anxiety, Dr. A jumps in, "I think that adding a new member to the group has brought forth a lot of heightened emotions. Sharing your fears, anxieties, triumphs, and sadness with others is always difficult. It is uncomfortable, but by working through that discomfort, we are forced to realize certain truths about ourselves that we may have been trying to repress.
Once again the room is filled with silence. I should have known better, you can't just jump into these things after they've begun. Especially if the thought of "discovering your self truths" makes you throw up in your mouth just a little bit.
I repeat the end of my mantra to myself, hoping it will be enough to keep me from immediately bolting to the door, "No one is forcing me to be here. I have to get better for my sister, the only person I love."
"You alright darlin'?" I didn't realize that I had squeezed my eyes shut in order to concentrate. My eyelids flutter open and settle on Johanna, whose muscles have begun to release their earlier tension.
"What the good doctor, and all of us, are really trying to say is…." Johanna takes her time, her eyes slowly skimming over the rest of us, "welcome to your first annual meeting of the Broken Bitches Brigade. Sometimes we say some fucked up shit in here, but I'd like to think that we all kind of like each other a little bit as well. Please check your reservations and judgments at the door."