Disclaimer: Okay I figured out a way to own Yu-Gi-Oh! But I'm not going to tell you. So for now I'll just say I don't own it!
"Hiya peoples! I'm Caly and welcome to Live with the Yu-Gi-Oh! Cast! Today we have a very special guest. He's the C.E.O of Kaiba Corp, Duel Monsters World Champion and a major pain in the ass. Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Seto Kaiba!" The audience cheered and some disturbing sighs and squeals could also be heard.
"Kaiba-san welc--"
"Its Kaiba-sama." Kaiba said glaring at our lovely host.
"Oh...um sorry. Kaiba-sama welcome to our show. Its an honor to have you here with us!"
"Yeah I bet it is." He glanced around and noticed the drooling fan girls. "Ugh! Disgusting." Turning back to face Caly he noticed she was also drooling. "Do you mind?!"
"Oh!...um sorry again..heehee." Wiping up the drool with the back of her hand, she composed herself and got down to business.
"Ok um..Kaiba-sama, today we are here to discuss the most popular pairings in the Yu-Gi-Oh! fandom that you're involved in. So...um could you...could you stop glaring at me?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I hate you." Kaiba said glaring daggers at her.
"Well...could you glare at me later?"
"No."
"Fine glare at me all you want just answer the damn questions!" Seeing Kaiba's glare intensify she paled. "Please?"
"..."
"I'll take that as a peace offering. Ok so Kaiba-sama, what do you think about the pairing between you and Shizuka? It's called Silentshipping."
"Who?"
"Um...Shizuka Kawai." Looking at Kaiba's blank face she sighed. "You know...the mutt's sister."
"I am not a mutt!" Jounouchi said glaring at her while jumping on his seat.
"Sorry Jounouchi-kun! Ok so back to you Kaiba. What do you think about it?"
"Well seeing as I have no interaction at all with Katsuya's sister I can pretty much say I hate it! Besides why would I want to date that flea bag?"
"KAIBA!!" Jounouchi climbed on stage and stood in front of our sexy C.E.O. shaking his fists at him.
"Jounouchi sit boy!"
"Huh?" he looked at Caly with a dopey look on his face.
"Oops sorry. I thought you were like InuYasha!"
"Who?"
"Argh! Forget it! Get off the stage Jounouchi!"
"No, not until I kill rich boy for sayin' dat about my sista!"
"Don't make me call security Jou!" Caly said pointing to the tall, buff men taking a coffee break. "Hey you idiots! Did I say you can go on a coffee break?"
"S-sorry ma'am." He turned to the other guard. "Man she needs to get laid."
"I heard that!" Turning back to Jounouchi she sighed. "Alright Jou, kindly get off my stage."
"I told ya. I'm not leavin' till I pound rich boy's face into dust."
"Why do you want to do that?"
"Bcuz he said my sista is a flea bag!" he said glaring at her.
"Jounouchi what Kaiba said was harsh and uncalled for but completely true." Jou who was nodding his head almost fell off the stage at the last comment.
"W-what?!"
"Yeah I mean all she does on the show is follow you around and cries at any little thing that happens. Plus she has no faith in you."
"What do ya mean?" he said narrowing her eyes.
"What she means mutt, is that your ignorant sister doesn't believe in you. Which I have to say is not really surprising after all you come from a family of assholes."
"Shaddup Kaiba! I wasn't talkin' to you!" He looked at Caly. "What didja mean by dat?"
"Well Jou, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, who am I kidding? I love being the bearer of bad news." Seeing everyone's freaked out expression she continued. "Ahem. Well anyways like I was saying, do you remember when she was going to have her eye operation and she locked her herself in her hospital room." He nodded. "Well she didn't think you were coming so she didn't want to take the operation that Yugi...uh... I mean... you, worked so hard to pay for." Jou's head hung low and he looked like a sad little puppy. Caly smirked and continued. "Yes and we can't forget about when you were dueling Rishid (Odion) and you almost lost she started to cry and tried to run away because you were losing. See? She has absolutely no faith in you."
Jou turned to the crowd looking for his sister. "Is dat true sis?" He didn't see anyone looking like her in the audience. "Sis? Sis where are you?"
"Oh...um..Jou your sister isn't here."
"Why?"
"Because I hate her and she isn't really an important character on the show so I had her banned from the studio." Kaiba smirked at him.
"Yes. So get off the stage mutt, you're taking up my face time." Jou glared pitifully at Seto.
"Oh please Kaiba! Your face is uglier than a horse's ass!" Before Kaiba could reply a horde of his rabid fan girls came up on stage, grabbed Jounouchi and sent him flying through the air, crashing into the ceiling and disappearing from everyone's sight.
"Oh dear..." Caly sweat dropped and stared at the gaping hole in her ceiling. "Who would have thought fangirls had superhuman strength! Remind me never to cross them."
Kaiba huffed. "At least their good for something." He looked at Caly. "Now I believe you were talking to me about me."
She sweat dropped again. 'Man this guy's egotistical! Oh well, what do I care? He's hot as hell!' She smiled dreamily.
"I know I'm the best looking guy on the planet but could you keep it in your pants."
"W-what! Are you saying that I'm a guy?!"
Seto smirked. "Well if the shoe fits..." Caly growled and stood up glaring at him.
"You're lucky you're so damn sexy otherwise I would have killed you for that remark!"
"Spare me the pitiful death threats. Now sit your ass down and let's continue with the interview." Caly sighed and sat down.
"That's a good little bitch." Kaiba sneered and watched in amusement as she tried to attack him only to be deterred by her own security personnel.
"Let me at him! I'll kill him! I'll make sure to castrate him as well! Let me go damn it!"
"Sorry ma'am but we're taking you to get laid."
"WHAT!!" Caly stopped her struggling and looked at her employees with wide eyes. "What are you morons babbling about?"
"Well," One of the security guards said. His name was Daisuke. "You see ma'am, you're so temperamental these days so the fellas and I decided that you need to get laid." There was a murmur of agreement behind him. "So we got a great guy for you to have fun with."
Caly narrowed her eyes at him. "And what makes you think I'll sleep with some random guy you chose?"
Daisuke smiled. "Well he happens to be Light Yagami from Death Note and--" Before he could finish his sentence she was already speeding away from them looking for Light.
"He's in your dressing room." He shouted to her retreating form. Daisuke turned to the other guys. "You think she heard me?"
"With that loud mouth of yours the entire continent of Asia must have heard you."
"Anyways," He purposely ignored the rude comment. "What do we do about Kaiba-san?"
"It's Kaiba-sama you idiots!"
"Whatever." Daisuke muttered. "So what do we do?"
"The boss might take a while, so let's just play some of Kaiba-sama's duels on the monitors. I'm sure he'll enjoy watching himself on TV for the millionth time."
"Alright." And so they played some of Kaiba's duels editing out the ending of it because Yugi always defeated him.
30 minutes later...
"Ok peoples I'm back." Caly said taking her seat on her plushy blue couch. She looked at Kaiba who seemed a little more relaxed.
"It's about time you got back." He said glaring at her. "I didn't know Light had a thing for transvestites." Caly growled. Her nails digging into the innocent couch.
"For the last time Kaiba I am not a guy!" Seto snorted in disbelief.
"Yeah right. I'll believe it when I see it." Caly smirked and Seto paled. 'Oh no! She isn't going to do what I think she's going to do?'
Before he could react Caly pulled down her underwear and hiked up her skirt giving Seto an eye full. The network completely censored everything so no one actually saw her...right lets get on with the show.
"Hey Kaiba-sama. Hey wake up!" After roughly shaking him the C.E.O finally regained consciousness.
"Ugh. Where the hell am I?" He looked at Caly and paled again. Standing up she walked back to her seat and smiled at him
"I see you remember. But don't worry you're not the only one who passed out." She gestured to the male members of the audience as well as her security staff who were all lying on the ground sporting nosebleeds. Looking at Kaiba who was now back in his seat rather than sprawled across the floor like he was a minute ago, she smirked. "Do you really think I'm still a guy?"
"Shut up." he muttered and composed himself. "Aren't you going to revive everyone?"
"Oh yeah...forgot about that." She replied getting up and walking towards the audience.
"Dumbass." Seto hissed at her back.
"I heard that!"
10 minutes later...
"Ok. Now that everyone is conscious again, let's continue with the interview."
"It's about time."
"Quiet." Caly hissed and Seto glared at her.
"Moving on. The next pairing on our list is the SetoxAnzu pairing. It's called Azureshipping by the fans."
"Why is it called Azureshipping?"
"I don't know, but my guess is it's because you guys both have blue eyes." (A/N: Seriously, if anyone knows why it's called Azureshipping please let me know. Thnx)
"Whatever." Kaiba said glancing at the crowd.
"So...what do you think about it?"
Seto sighed then glared at her...again. "Well this is probably a little easier to answer since I actually know her. But I still hate it! Why would they pair me up with Mazaki?"
Caly gasped at his words. "Well because she gave you that long speech about what a loser you are and that you shouldn't give up your chip of life and that you should be thankful that you're alive. (English dub: she accused him of being a machine and that he spent so much time with them that he forgot what it means to be human. A/N: I'm following the original Japanese anime rather than the stupid 4Kids version.) And anyways you totally saved her life in Battle City and you also did it without Mokuba convincing you to."
"Whatever. That doesn't mean anything. And why the hell would I date my rival's girlfriend?" Seto folded his arms across his chest and stared at her menacingly.
Caly smirked and replied, "Well I don't know about you but wouldn't you want to make your rival pay by stealing his crush." Seto's eyebrow arched in surprise. "I mean what would hurt your rival more than seeing the woman he loves with the man he hates." Her smirk widened when she saw Kaiba's eyes light up at the prospect. "Furthermore it would devastate Yugi to see you have something he wants. It would make him envy you more than anything in the world."
Before Caly could continue rambling--
"Hey! I'm right here you know? Stupid authoress!"
--anyways like I was saying, before Caly could continue talking some sense into Kaiba, he rushed off the stage into the audience where he grabbed Anzu's hand and dragged her backstage.
"I'll be right back!" he said before disappearing leaving a shocked Caly and a crying Yugi behind, who was being comforted by his fan girls.
20 minutes later...
"Dammit! Where is that egotistical jerk! I getting tired of watching edited footage of his duels!"
Just then Seto entered the studio with a wide smirk on his face. He walked up to Yugi who was still crying. "Hey Yugi." Yugi looked up at Seto with large watery eyes. Kaiba's smirk widened a little more. "Grow a pair. If you had any, I wouldn't have been backstage fucking your girlfriend." He bent down to Yugi's level. "By the way, she's my girlfriend now. Mwahahahaha!" With a flair of his coat Seto turned around and walked back to the stage, leaving a hysterical Yugi to his doom (i.e Yugi's rabid fan girls.)
Caly cleared her throat. "So...uh...Kaiba-sama, is it true that you and Anzu-san are going out?"
"Yes. I said that didn't I."
"So you're just dating her to get your revenge on Yugi?" Seto nodded. "Well at least you guys are together!" He glared at her optimistic behavior. "By the way Kaiba-sama, where's Anzu-san?"
Seto smirked delighting in what just happened 20 minutes ago. "She's in the bathroom."
Caly gaped. "You left her in the bathroom after you screwed her?" Seto sighed in irritation.
"No you moron! We had sex in your dressing room and after we were through she said she needed to use the bathroom to fix her clothes. I will not degrade myself by having sex in a bathroom like those horny idiots such as Katsuya!"
"Oh well...that's okay I guess. Hey wait a minute! You had sex in my dressing room!" Kaiba gave her a sexy shrug and she found herself swooning.
"Well it was the fastest place to get to and I knew no one was there. By the way, you should really clean that place up; it was like a war zone."
Caly blushed and glared at him. "Shut up Kaiba!"
"It's Kaiba-sama!!"
"Whatever!"
After a brief commercial break it was time to get back to the interview.
"Once again welcome back to Live with the Yu-Gi-Oh! Cast!" The audience clapped and Caly turned towards her guest. "Okay now please welcome back Seto Kaiba.!" The audience cheered louder for the pompous C.E.O. 'Jerk!'
"Now let's get to our final pairing. This one is a yaoi pairin--"
"A what?!"
"A yaoi pairing. You know, gay, homosexual, same sex, fagg--" she was cut off once again by Kaiba's halting voice.
"I know what yaoi means!" Seto hissed at her. "But what I want to know is why that pairing is involved! I'm not gay as you can see I just fucked Mazaki!"
"Whoa! Take it easy Kaiba-san. You--"
"For the last time its Kaiba-sama!!" his breathing was ragged and he looked crazy.
"Oh...well I'm really sorry Kaiba-sama. But you should take it easy. If you die on my show I'll never survive the backlash!" Kaiba's eye ticked at this statement. Chuckling nervously she pulled at her collar and gave him a shaky smile. "Ok we know you're not gay. Its just what the fans want so--"
"The fans want me to be gay?!" He glared at the audience.
"No! Well most of them don't. They just think that since you're always spiteful to the guys on the show you have...um...a...crush on them or something!"
"Well that's a stupid reason to base something on, besides, I have a girlfriend." he said pointing to Anzu who just returned from the bathroom.
"Yes and even though you're going out with her just for revenge, you're still not gay." Seto nodded at her. "So can we please move on?"
"Yes. By the way who am I paired up with?" Caly blanched and she looked around for an exit.
"Um...um...um..."
"Yes who is it?"
"It's Jou." she whispered.
"Who?" Kaiba asked leaning forward.
"Jou." Kaiba growled not being able to hear her.
"Speak up woman I can't hear you!"
"It's Jounouchi Katsuya okay!" As soon as it slipped out she instantly regretted it! Kaiba looked livid.
"Um..Kaiba-sama?"
"What. Did. You. Just. Say?"
"I...uh...said that the next pairing is between you and Jou. It's called Puppyshipping." Caly replied as she scooted back with every second wanting get as far away as possible before he blew a gasket. She was surprised when she saw him relax.
"So it's called Puppyshipping huh?" Caly nodded dumbly. "Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! That has got to be the best part of the entire fandom!"
"Yeah. I guess you're right Kaiba." She paused. "So I guess you're okay with it?"
Kaiba glared at her "Of course I'm not okay with it! It's disgusting to just think about it! So let me tell you assholes that pair me up with him how I feel about it."
Seto took a deep breath and shouted. "I AM NOT FUCKING GAY!! (A/N: I apologize to all the Seto/Jou fans out there but I'm only voicing what Kaiba might actually say.)
"Ok Kai--"
"I'm not finish yet." he said glaring at her some more.
"Okay."
"Even though Katsuya is gay I am certainly not as I've said before. So why don't you pair him with his master Yugi. He already follows Yugi around like a dog so you can keep the name."
"Well er..Kaiba-sama I think there's actually a fandom supporting the Yugi/Jou pairing. (A/N: Please bear with me. I don't really know about the other fandom's so if you know the Yugi/Jou one please let me know thnx)
"Well whatever as long as you never mention it again. I could care less." He folded his arms on his lap and stared at her for conformation.
"Why are you staring at me like that? Oh! um..sure. I'll never mention it again."
"Good."
"Okay that's all the time we have for now folks so this is Caly saying sayonara from the Live with the Yu-Gi-Oh! Cast! Show!" She turned to look at Seto. "Ahem. Kaiba-sama don't you want to say good bye?"
Kaiba smirked at her, "Go screw yourself!" Caly glared at his back as he stepped off the stage and made his way to Anzu. "Come on Anzu. Let's go back to my place where we can..." His voice trailed off into a whisper as he sucked on her earlobe.
A loud cry of despair was heard and everyone turned to see Yugi on the floor crying a river. His fan girls immediately rushed over to him and cuddled him.
"Right. Well once again thank you everyone for watching. This is Caly saying goodbye!" The lights dimmed and the curtains closed.
The End.
Somewhere far,far,away.
"Help! Somebody help me! I'm stuck in dis stupid tree and I can't get down!" the person struggled some more. "Moneybags I'm going to kill you!'
CREEK!
SNAP!
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!"
A/N: This was my first attempt at writing something sorta funny. So go easy on me. As for my other story Impulse, I've decided to continue it so I'll probably post about 4 more chapters at the end of the week. Thank you everyone for your reviews!
P.S. Caly is the abbreviated form of my name Calyssa.