Chapter 1

She stood silently, stoically, no emotion gracing her face. She didn't move and it felt like she hadn't breathed in hours. She stared down into the dark hole, surprised out how sloppy it seemed yet how simple it was.

It had been a short service, brief and to the point, just like him. He would have wanted it that way. Well he probably would have wanted nothing at all, which she couldn't not agree with. Ironically it was a bright day, warm and sunny but the spot she stood in was shaded by a large oak nearby. Figures, she thought. And how could she have not known how many friends he had? Who were all of them anyway? Seat fillers perhaps, a kind gesture from Langley? Of course their people were there and the devil himself, Dar Adal, had the gaul to show up. That spineless piece of shit. She wished she could kill him herself, and she could but wasn't ready for the repercussions of that - yet.

Her menacing thoughts were cut off by a familiar voice behind her, piercing the silence other than the rustling of the trees. His voice was soft and apprehensive, "Carrie.."

She didn't turn around, still didn't move and certainly didn't respond. Again, "Carrie...I know you're angry with me." He paused, knowing anything he could even potentially say would certainly piss her off. He knew nothing would make any of it right but still felt in his gut - and his soul - he had to try. "You know I am sorry for how all of this turned out. My intention was never to hurt you but I had to do what was right at the time."

Almost as soon as the word left his mouth, he knew it was the wrong choice. His words pierced her ears and her heart.

"Right??" She hissed, sounding exasperated. "Are you fucking kidding me, Saul?!" She was now turned, facing her former mentor, father figure and friend.

Carrie looked him dead in the eyes, and he stared back hoping to see some sort of flicker of emotion - positive emotion anyway - in her eyes. There was nothing but resentment and disappointment. "NONE of this has been right! Ever since I stepped foot in Pakistan everything has been a complete disaster." She tried to hold her arms at her side but she was so frustrated and as she yelled her hands flared.

Carrie took a deep breath and looked at him for a long moment "I don't even know why you're fucking here. The nerve you and that piece of shit had coming here. Why you're even bothering right now? You know I'll never forgive you."

"Carrie.." He started but she quickly continued. "Nothing you can ever say or do will reverse the damage that's been done." She looked at him cold and hard, "and it'll never make you less of a traitor."

She held his gaze for a final moment and he opened his mouth to speak but no words came out. She turned and looked down at the dark hole in the ground, the smooth wooden box staring back at her.

"When you're ready...you know where to find me." Saul said quietly, attempting to suppress his own anger at being called the word he most despised.

"I'll never be ready." She responded, her voice shallow but not breaking. Carrie didn't turn to look at him and kept her eyes transfixed at the ground, her arms tightly folded.

Saul waited a moment and without another word, walked away from her, digging his heels deeper into the grass with each step. How can she be so ignorant? He thought. If she only knew what I've actually done. He left her alone, giving up on another attempt to make peace.

It had been months and sometimes he thought she'd never come around. Maybe she wouldn't, and he'd have to live with that. Saul reached the awaiting SUV and turned around to watch her for a moment, standing alone and she seemed peaceful. "One day you'll understand Carrie." He said under his breath and proceeded to climb into the backseat, slamming the door.

"You know every time I leave you alone with her, I have this short lived concern that you've told her the truth. But then I remind myself that you're well aware of what's at stake and all that goes away." Dar Adal didn't even bother to look at Saul as he made his underhanded comment. He wasn't looking for a response and didn't feel he needed to threaten Saul but he did know that Carrie Mathison was his weakness.

"I am aware." Saul said gruffly, sounding defeated and he looked straight ahead as they drove off.

Carrie stood there for another hour lost in her thoughts and the sun had began to fade. She had both hands in her pockets and her left hand outlined the white paper envelope over and over again.

A few hours ago, as the ceremony came to a close and she stood back behind the crowd, a man she didn't recognize approached her. "Carrie Mathison." He didn't ask, he knew. "Who's asking?" She responded, eyebrows raised. "I worked with Quinn."

Rob wasn't a man of words, and extended the envelope with her name scrolled on the front out to her. "What the fuck is this?" Carrie almost snapped at him, snatching the envelope. Rob paused for a minute and he knew who she was and of course she was no dummy. "You know what it is. I am sorry. If the circumstances were different I could have done more." He looked down and started to walk away.

Of course Carrie went after him. "What is that supposed to mean?!" She asked furrowing her brow, her tone demanding. "It means what it means." Rob responded, not breaking stride, "I have to go. I am sorry."

She stopped for a moment and continued to walk after him. "What happened over there? Tell me!...I need to hear it from you." Carrie demanded. "Look, I can't...you know that." He responded finally stopping a second to look at her. "I don't know you Carrie, but you need to let this one go."

"Let it go? That's bullshit and you know it! I can see it all over your face." She yelled at him. "Go ahead, walk away!... Coward!" Carrie knew nothing she said would make Rob talk at that moment, especially with all these people around so she let him go as she shoved the envelope in her pocket. Of course she knew what it was.

Now standing at his grave, the sky growing darker by the minute, she continued her internal debate. Carrie thought she was a fool for letting all this time go by and not thinking that she'd receive a letter like this. The thought actually never crossed her mind, how could it? She pulled the envelope out of her pocket and looked at his handwriting closely. Had she ever seen him write anything? She couldn't remember and that bothered her. Carrie paced for another minute or two then made her way back to her 'spot', lifting her head back and looking up briefly taking a breath. "Fuck it." She said in a 'might as well' tone and took the envelope in both hands, tearing it open from the back, roughly pulling out the folded paper inside.

When she read the words scribbled down, smack in the middle of the paper, no regard for neatness and in that same handwriting, she felt like her heart stopped.

Carrie tried to stop the thoughts that immediately began darting through her mind but couldn't. She breathed quickly and loudly a few times trying to regain herself. She would not cry but felt her chin quiver a bit. Carrie bit her lip and shook her head, growing angry as a tear escaped her left eye. "No. No you don't get to do that." she said, not looking down but looking up at the sky, her body swaying a tiny bit. She shook her head and gritted her teeth, wiping the tear from her face, moisture smearing the paper. Carrie was now even angrier than before. She felt some of her regretful feelings swirl up from her gut but she managed to push them right back down with the determination she felt coursing through her veins. She didn't look at the paper again, once was all she needed, there wasn't much to memorize.

Carrie pushed the letter into the air, letting it leave her fingers briskly, the envelope falling with it. She watched it fall for a second and turned her back, "Bullshit, Quinn." She said and finally walked away. "I am coming for you."

The letter fell messily next to the wooden casket sitting in the freshly dug grave. As the ground seeped into the paper, the words could still be made out. "Will always love you. I am sorry."