Disclaimer : I do not own Death Note or any of the characters used in this story .
_Rester , please move our headquarter to the basement .
_Yes , sir . But may I ask why ?
_For my own comfort, that is .
Rester sighed .Near has been acting weird lately. It's not like the teenager hadn't been weird ever since their first meeting , but something about him seems off . One may pass it off another one of Near's quirks , but Rester knows better . Even though he has almost no clue about Near's profile whatsoever of all kinds , he has worked with the genius long enough to tell that something must have happened . Or in worse scenarios , someone.
-o-
_Sir , do you need anything else ?
_No , just chocolate is fine . Thank you .
Chocolate . Great , now something is definitely wrong . Near hates chocolate . Truthfully speaking , he hates eating . It should be a great relief , Rester thought to himself , because at least Near has finally tried to function like a human being ; but he couldn't shake himself of the feeling that something's wrong . But what on earth could have gone wrong , it's Near .
-o-
_Sir , personally , I don't think it's necessary .
_You're probably right . But , better be safe than be sorry , they said .
Now he's quoting . Rester probably shouldn't be so concerned about this , since Near always puts safety first . Even after Kira , he still refuses to let his team be caught on camera or let their faces shown . But seriously , guns ? What is the point of having a gun , let alone using it for the sake of safety ; if Near has always locked himself in the world's top secured system ? If someone breaks in , all he needs to do is to push a button and simply wait for the intruder to be caught . No logical explanation for the use of guns then .
It suddenly hit Rester.
Basement . Chocolate . Gun . Sounds oddly familiar to Rester somehow .
What's next then , he mused to himself . Leather jackets and boots ? Please . He found himself laughing at his own stupidity for even consider something so absurd .
Turns out he was right .
-o-
Near hasn't cut his hair for months . He styled it differently too . It wasn't hard for Rester to predict what kind of hairstyle Near wants, by now it just seems obvious .
Mello's.
-o-
Rester blames Post-traumatic stress disorder . And possible survivor's guilt . Mixed in a twisted way .
He blames Kira . He blames L. And especially Mello.
Gevanni and Lidner once discussed about this , see if there's anything they can do for the teenager .
Sure , Rester thinks sarcastically to himself , makes Mello stop being dead .
-o-
_Near , is there anything wrong ?
_Highly unlikely , . The case is almost done by now.
_You know that's not what I'm talking about .
_I'm sorry ?
Rester sighed . Is it necessary for the boy to make everything so hard ?
_Pardon me sir , but I , we have noticed your .. rather not so subtle changes , and I would very much appreciate if you tell us how to help you
And he met with silence . Near cracked another piece of chocolate , rather loudly , then drifted into thoughts . Rester knew better than to speak now .
What could possibly be going on in that genius head of his ? Rester found himself wonder time after time . Psychologically speaking , he hasn't shown any signs of distress or depression . But of course , again , it's Near. Near has , and probably will always remain, calm and emotionless . A façade he put on for so long that he has maybe forgotten how to take it down . Or more likely , don't want to . For safety ,Rester assumes .
Suddenly , a soft voice cut through his train of thoughts
_I believe it's my way of mourning . For Mello , it is .
What kind of mourning is it that makes a person turns to another , Rester wants to ask , but eventually decided against it .
_ Near , if there's anything , anything at all that you need ..
_Yes , I appreciate your concern , Mr. Rester – Typical Near . – However , I'm afraid there isn't much for you to do at this point , seeing that there's no need to gather anymore evidence . We'll leave things to the police now
_That's not what I mean – Rester , calm yourself . You're trying to help
_Yes , I am aware of that .
Rester , don't snap at a child almost three times younger than you .
_However , I don't think I'm in a condition where I need help . I'm fine
That is exactly the problem , Rester thinks to himself . You are practically trying to be someone else , not just someone else , but your polar opposite , and you feel fine.
That just doesn't make any sense . At all .
_But sir ..
_As I said , I'm very thankful for your concerns and worries towards me . But I don't believe these changes to be of that bad influence .
The conversation came to a dead end .
And also the topic.
.o.
Months passed by , and the former SPK began to slowly adjust . Not that willingly , but they know better than to expect things would go according to plans. Not when they are dealing with geniuses .
Rester came to the headquarter where Near resides to gather the cases files , only to find the white-haired boy sprawling comfortably on a couch – made out of leather , of course . And black – munching a bar of chocolate and staring blankly to the computer screen flicker the letter L . A few months ago , he would have panicked and probably went out of his way to force Near into a therapy section . But now , the scene before him feels familiar . Like it always have been this way .
Rester panicked a bit at his own thought . How could he have felt familiar ?
When he excused himself out of the room after finishing his job , Near finally spoke up .
_So , have you found it ? I know it's a hard request I'm forcing you into , but please do your best .
Rester fidgeted , then slowly sighed . He then pulled out of his pocket a chain , no , a rosary . Not any rosary , Mello's
_We've managed to take it from the NPA . They don't give it much thought as it serves no use to the evidence of the Kira case
_ It is an evidence that proves the existence of a very important aspect in the Kira case though – He can hear Near mumbles softly to himself . Near continued – Thank you very much , Commander Rester . I couldn't have done this without you – Near said as he slowly took the rosary from Rester and put it around his neck
Rester knows that this is not one of the time to pass Near's thank you speech off as a gesture of politeness .
ooo
They decided , it's Near's way of mourning .
And in that small corner of their minds lingers a thought they would never admit out loud , not to the young genius .
It's Near's way of making up . Fixing things . Dealing with the aftermath.
Or at least , say sorry
ooo
Today is that day again . January 26th . Every year , without a reminder or a plan , each SPK members will pass by the headquarter , just to make sure that Near's okay .
Well , for safety , because they never saw Near break down , ever . Not once .
Rester walked in to the building , headed down the dark basement . Near is drifting into sleep , one hand still held the tin-wrapped chocolate bar , the other clutched dearly to that puppet of Mello . Mello finger puppet version 10.0 that is . The rosary still hang around his neck.
Silently , Rester pulled a blanket over the boy , wrapping him in the white sheet . It's odd how it actually took him a whole minute to remember Near in white . Near and white . White and Near . Seems right , yet at the same time oddly wrong . Like it's supposed to be black.
Rester's gaze landed on the sleeping boy . Time and time over again he wonder , if there's anything he can do . If there's anything he can help . If there's anything Near need to talk about .
What exactly has been going on in the boy's head ?
Professionally , it shouldn't have bothered him that much . Near has been productive as ever , solving cases at ease , as if he's simply playing a game of puzzle . And it's not like Near's going through any kind of depression . He has at least now started to eat properly – mainly chocolate, but still better than nothing ; taken a few naps every now and then ; still indifference to the world , still locked into that lego fortress of his . Near is perfectly fine .
Except that he's not .
Rester has been working with Near for so long , and been through so much ; that he felt like he have known Near for what it feel like a life-time . He felt like , it falls on his shoulder if something were to happen to Near . And he felt like , he let this whole Mello thing happen without even trying to stop .
(Well of course stopping Near is next to impossible , he knows better than to fantasize about a day when Near just gives in to him . )
Rester wondered , as he watched Near stir in his sleep , whether this is for the best . It's Near's choice , but still , he's a child . Even though it's hard to remember it most of the time , but he's still merely an adult . Maybe this isn's the best way . Maybe Near himself don't know which is the best way to cope with this . Maybe the whole Kira case and the burden of being L is just too much for the boy to handle , let alone the death of his ..Mello.
Maybe Rester should stop Near from , well , becoming Mello .
Should he ?
Suddenly , a voice pulled him back to reality .
_Commander Rester , you seems to be thinking very hard . Is there anything that bothers you ? The case is pretty much done by now .
_No Near , I'm not thinking about the case , just about your situation.
_Oh , about that . Commander Rester , from now on , please refer to me as L or Mello , whichever you prefer .
Rester gasped .
What the hell are you trying to do Near ?
_Sir , I don't get it .
_Either way , it's just an alias . Let just call it my way of ..
_Your way of mourning , am I right sir ?
Near's eyes slightly widen in surprise , but then quickly flicked back to its usual emotionless state .
_Yes , it is
_Near , are you feeling guilty? Like you're responsible for his death ?
If Near were thinking anything at that time , he certainly didn't voice his thoughts at all . Instead , he calmly cracked another piece of chocolate and turned his gaze to the puppet .
_Near , you should know that Mello will never blame you . He may died for you , yes , but it was entirely his decision .
_It's not about Mello blaming me or not. It's about me .
It's not about Mello , it's about me blaming myself for his death
_ But changing your name into Mello , becoming him , Near , is it going to make him come back ? Is it going to stop making you blame yourself ? – Rester can feel his sense of calm drifting away from him , but he couldn't care less . He was going to stop Near from this , madness.
_No , of course not . But yes , it's going to make him come back from death , in a way .
_Is this the way you try to punish yourself Near ?
_No , it isn't . I'm merely trying to fix things . To turn it back how it's supposed to be
You mean Mello is supposed to be L's successor , and Near should be dead .
_Are you doing this for Mello , Near ?
Are you trying to say in the end , Mello is the winner ?
_No , for my own selfishness only
For your delusional dream where you don't have to be the one left behind huh ?
_Commander Rester , I would very much appreciate if you cooperate with me on this one .
Rester sighed . Never before has he seen Near reacted this way .
Maybe this is all there is to the whole situation . Near doesn't want to be Near . Anymore .
Maybe there's nothing psychologically wrong , just Near's way of finding a way to be okay . To be fine . Maybe .
Rester isn't so sure about this , but there are risks he has to take . Or that is what he's trying to convince himself . He took a deep breath .
_Very well , Mello . I will inform others of this change . Is there anything else you need ?
_No , thank you very much . You've gone through a lot of trouble for me .
As Rester walked out of that room , a part of him immediately regrets . Why the hell did he say that ? How could he let Near become like that ? How could he give in again ? How could he just easily agree ? How could he let such absurdity to keep going on ? He was supposed to fight , to save the boy from this madness that he created by himself , he was supposed to save Near . From Mello . He was supposed to cut off all the links between them , so that Near can go back to his usual self and dynamics . He was supposed to .. what , Rester suddenly realized . Was he thinking , he was supposed to keep Near away from Mello ? From the pain the Mello's death has caused ? To shelter Near in that façade , to pretend that everything is fine? Rester wondered .
Is that supposed to be saving , or killing Near ?
Rester still couldn't understand . He shouldn't have given in so early like that , knowing that he could have had a little clue of what is going on in the genius head of Near if he were just tougher , if he just tried to force Near into really saying what's wrong . Logically saying .. No , you can't really use logic on the white-haired genius . But what if his assumptions are wrong ? What if he misunderstood Near's intention ? What if he misinterpreted the whole situation ? Is his decision the best for the boy ?
What if instead of saving , all he has been doing was actually killing the boy ?
ooo
But as years flown by , Rester found himself not needing the answer anymore . Near's hair has now been dyed into a color mixed somewhere between white and blonde , his entire closet now contains leather clothes and boots . Near doesn't stop playing with toys though , but his favorite puzzle now covered in black with a white letter L in the corner . He starts practice shooting , somewhere around the years. He doesn't lay on the floor all the time , instead casually sprawl on the leather couch munching over a bar of chocolate . He starts go outside for cases , doing it a more Mello way .( Thankfully , Mello's recklessness seems to never caught on him) . And sometimes , Rester could have sworn Near's gray orbs has turned into azure , but he passed it off as him being paranoid . Everyone has gotten used to this change, and accept it like it's supposed to be that way
Rester knows he doesn't need an answer , not even the confirmation whether he was right or not . He figured that out when he saw Near one day , after successfully arrested a serial killer , clutched dearly to his rosary and whispered to himself "Good job , Mello" . And smiled , happily. Proudly .
He doesn't care anymore if Near is dead . After all , Nate River is happier being Mello .