Title: Fingertips

Rating: PG-13

Summary: When Carson's gone, Laura waits for him, but what happens when Carson may not come back?

Pairing: Carson Beckett/Laura Cadman

A/N: Loosely based on Roxette's song "Fingertips." Thanks once more to jozedpeeem and lyndasty for helping me pump this one out! Also I got this idea from a comment on the beckettcadman community….someone said they'd like to see a specific scene…and it got my muse all worked up. So if that person recognizes that scene, this is for you! 

Whenever Carson went off-world, Laura always found herself finding every excuse to stay in the control room until he came back. Maybe she was off-duty or maybe something needed to be checked, but no matter how long he was gone she always found herself in the command room waiting on him to walk through the gate. No, she never makes a scene by running down the stairs leading to the gate and jumping into his arms, but she would stand on the balcony overlooking the gate and smile down at him. Happy that he had come back unharmed, hell, happy that he'd come back at all. He knew now where she'd be and would look up her and smile, his blue eyes shining up at her.

Like every other time before, she's walking around the command room making small talk knowing it'll be another five hours before SGA-1 is due back. She found out from girl's poker night that Miko has a little crush on the technician, Chuck's his name, so while she waits on Carson to return she's been trying to see if Chuck felt the same way. She smiles as he confirms her suspicions. Her smile quickly fades when the gate suddenly activates and Chuck goes into action.

"Unscheduled off-world activation!"

Dr. Weir come running into command as Chuck finishes, "It's Lt. Colonel Sheppard's IDC, they're radioing us."

"Open communications," Chuck does and she continues, "John?"

"Elizabeth, we're coming back early, we need a med team to meet us in the Jumper Bay, we have a man down."

"I'll send a team to assist Carson."

"No, Elizabeth. The man down is Carson."

Laura doesn't stay to hear anymore, she jumps up from her seat and takes off towards the Jumper Bay.

She races in right as the jumper's door opens to reveal Carson lying motionless on the floor of the jumper, Rodney pressing his hands on his chest in hopes of stopping the bleeding but the blood covering his hands show that he's failing.

"Where the hell is that med team," Rodney shouts as Sheppard, Ronon, and Teyla rush out of the jumper and past Laura. For the first time in her life, she's frozen in place. She'd been on the front lines, seen and faced may thing that would cause a lesser woman to flee, but nothing has ever shaken her to her core as much as the scene in front of her. Her heart is beating so fast in her chest that it hurts. Suddenly Sheppard and the others reappear, the medical team and Dr. Biro rushing past her after them. Biro pushes Rodney back, replacing his hands with her own. Laura feels the panic build.

"Oh god…I can't see if he's breathing...he's so pale…there's so much blood," she thinks to herself for a moment.

Before she realizes it, the jumper is empty save for Rodney who's still standing alone looking as shocked as she feels at the moment. She takes a few deep breaths, fighting back the tightening in her chest and the tears threatening to come. When she's calm enough she walks up to Rodney, "Rodney, what happened?"

He doesn't say anything, just stares at the blood on his hands. Laura's stomach churns at the fact that it's still wet, little droplets rolling down his fingers. She closes her eyes for a moment before putting a hand on Rodney's shoulder and asking, "Rodney, please, what happened?"

Rodney sits down as though his legs give out. "He was just trying to help."

Laura raises an eyebrow as she sits beside him, "What do you mean?"

Rodney looks at her; she notices he's gone a little paler than before. He's in shock, which means whatever happened was something horrible, "There was a scuffle when we got there; for once we had nothing to do with it. It was a stupid fight really; these two men were fighting over a woman even though it was obvious to everyone but them that she could care less for either man. They had these primitive guns, like you'd see in an old American western. One of the men got shot and Carson rushed him, trying to save his life," Rodney pauses, looking away from her, "The other guy just walked up to Carson, grabbed his shoulder, turned him around, and shot him point blank in the chest before we could do anything. Ronon took the bastard down without even blinking. The rest of the village didn't even try to help us. They just stood there watching the whole thing like we were putting on a show for their sick entertainment. Luckily the jumper wasn't that far away. Ronon and I got him back to the jumper…"

Rodney stops and looks at Laura, his blue eyes wide and glassy, "He was just trying to help. The man shot him for no reason other than he was trying to keep the other man alive….he was doing his fucking job!"

Laura notices that his hands are shaking, "I-I tried to stop the bleeding like he'd shown me once, but…it just wouldn't….I couldn't…." He pauses for a moment more and clinches his fists, "He wasn't breathing, Laura. When Biro moved my hands, he'd stopped breathing."

Laura's chest tightens, tears blurring her vision. She's so angry and distressed inside but she knows she can't break down, especially now. "C'mon, Rodney, let's get you cleaned up. This isn't your fault; this is that backwoods villager's fault, not yours."

Rodney unclenches his fists and stands, "Laura, I'm so sorry, he shouldn't have gone."

"Rodney…shut up." For once, Rodney does.

Two hours later, Laura finds herself joining the others as they keep vigil outside the infirmary doors. She looks at Rodney, now cleansed of the blood, but still just as pale, his downward turned mouth pressed tightly as he rubs his hands together. She'd stayed with him until he'd calmed as much as he could. Then he came with her to infirmary.

Laura goes to Sheppard, "Sir, has Biro said anything?"

Her relationship with Carson wasn't a secret to anyone. Every time they made a date it had always made her smile to see it on the calendar in his office. Sheppard looks at her with a saddened expression. She sees Sheppard's expression mirrored on the rest of the team causing the ache to return.

"Doctor Biro's not come out yet, no one has. Cadman I'm-"

Laura raises his hand, "With all due respect sir, I don't want to hear it. Like I told Rodney, this isn't any of the team's faults; it's the villager's fault. And please, stop looking at me like that…like Carson's already gone."

Sheppard looks away and Laura goes to stand next to Rodney. Before they shared the same mind, she'd never been close to him and you still really couldn't call them friends, but they were acquaintances with an unspoken bond. Once you share the same mind as someone, you gain a connection to that person. They had an understanding no one really got. Well, no one but Carson.

She frowns as she looks at the door; she knows it could be anywhere from minutes to hours more before Biro comes out with information. Having been with Carson for over a year, she feels as though she has a connection with him, that she would know deep in her soul if Carson was gone. Yes, she felt an ache deep in her chest, but it was the kind of ache you get when you're waiting on life changing news, not the ache she knew would ever go away if Carson was gone.

She knew Carson was used to her coming back injured, but she had never prepared herself for the day that Carson would come back through the stargate injured….possibly….no, she can't think of that. She smiles to herself as she remembers back on their relationship, back to the day she'd first lain eyes on one Dr. Carson Beckett.

She was new to Atlantis, having come with the first crew of the Daedalus. Her first time off-world, her team had managed to run into trouble and she'd twisted her ankle on the way back to the gate. As her team was being checked out she was trying to "walk-off" her injury when she lost her balance. She had closed her eyes and prepared herself for the hard fall but instead, she felt strong arms wrap around her. When she'd opened her eyes, she had been met with the clearest blue eyes she'd ever seen.

"Ah, lass, I see you were trying to hide this injury," her savior had said, his accent causing her to shiver.

"Um, no, Doc, just trying to work out the kinks, I'm fine," she said trying to stand on her own. When it was obvious she couldn't, the man with the ocean blue eyes had smiled at her, wrapped an arm around her waist, and walked her to infirmary. The moment she saw that smile, she knew she had fallen hard for Doctor Beckett.

Doctor Beckett didn't become Carson to her until after the incident with dart beam. Yeah, she knew she took advantage of Rodney's body to get closer to Carson, but as much as Rodney liked to gripe and moan about it, it did get him many more dates with Katie. She knew she was taking a huge risk the last time she took over Rodney's body, but she hadn't cared. She'd been madly in love with Carson for months and she would be damned if she died and never got to know what it felt like to kiss him. She wasn't sure if Rodney had quite forgiven her for it, but she didn't care. She knew at that moment that had she died, then and there, she'd be ok with it. She'd finally gotten to taste Carson's lips, even if it was a chaste kiss.

When she'd woken up in infirmary, many steps away from being dead, she knew she'd have to face the music. When she'd woken up Carson was checking her chart. He smiled down at her when he realized she was awake.

"Umm, doc-"

"Call me Carson, love, I mean we might as well be on a first name basis considering that kiss."

She knew her cheeks quickly became the color of her hair as she replied, "About that…I want to apologize, I shouldn't-" she stopped when Carson took her hand.

"Laura, you don't have to apologize for something like that. Although, I certainly hadn't expected our first kiss to be through Rodney, and I certainly don't want our second to be."

For the first time in her life, Laura was speechless, she had no sarcastic comeback or quip. She just smiled as she tried to muster up a response, but before she could, Sheppard and Drs. Weir and Zelenka came in to check on Rodney who was fast asleep and drooling.

Soon after Rodney woke up and actually showed genuine concern for her when he thought she'd died. She couldn't just lie there and let him panic, even if a little part of her wanted to.

"Over here," she called and gave a little wave to him when he turned. It was nice to be back in her own body, but the room felt crowded, which sadly meant Carson had to leave also. He grabbed her hand for a moment, but in that clasp held such meaning to her. She knew that from that moment on, she didn't have to rely on girl's poker night for companionship, she'd found something more, something meaningful and that left a smile on her face.

She'd been right too because from that day on, their relationship had grown and survived some harrowing challenges. Carson kept telling her that she'd gotten him through the Michael debacle but she knew she was only a part of what kept him sane. The men and women standing around her waiting were the ones who had kept her Carson from the brink and she couldn't thank them more.

She looked up at the infirmary doors as she chewed her thumbnail, a nervous habit she's had for years. She knows she's been standing in front of these doors for over an hour now and still nothing, which either means the damage caused by the bullet was extensive or that something had gone wrong.

"Why the hell is this taking so long? Shouldn't we know something by now," Rodney asks, voicing her concerns.

"Rodney, please, stay calm. Dr. Biro is a very thorough doctor. Carson is in the best hands possible," Teyla says, always the voice of reason.

Rodney goes to reply but is interrupted by the infirmary doors finally opening. Dr. Biro walks out looking tired. She looks at Laura and sighs, "I won't lie, it was a close call. He coded twice on the table but we were able to stabilize him."

Laura steps closer almost afraid to ask what she knows is on everyone's minds, "Will he live? Is he all right?"

"At the moment he's far from all right but I think he will live. Sadly, I think it would be best if no one goes in until tomorrow. It's been a long day."

Laura nods and everyone starts to leave. She looks at Rodney, he's still pale, and the shaking's come back. She puts a hand on his shoulder, "C'mon Rodney, it's obvious you've not eaten in a while so let's get you something to eat before you end up with Carson."

Rodney doesn't move his eyes still on the infirmary doors. Laura sigh, "Rodney, he's ok, he's going to be ok, so come on." He nods, turns, and heads towards mess.

It was going to be a long night.

Laura sighs as she leans back in her chair. What was supposed to be a long night had turned into a long week. Nearly seven days after getting injured, Carson still hadn't woken up. Biro said it was normal considering the trauma his body had gone through, but that didn't stop her from worrying.

Sheppard had relieved her of her duties until further notice. He had told her that as much as a soldier was supposed to separate family from work, he knew how hard it was to actually accomplish any work when your family was hurt. So here she sat, watching Carson breathe and wishing with each passing minute he'd wake up. She takes his hand in hers, running her fingertips over his palm and down his fingers. She always loved the way his hands felt. They weren't rough like most peoples here, weren't rough like her marine aged hands. He had the hands of a healer, she had seen his fingers work miracles and she hoped that soon they'd be back to work.

"Carson, you've gotta wake up," she says to him. She's alone with him now and even if she weren't she'd still talk to him. It keeps her sane. She's trying to stay strong but the longer he's unconscious the more her heart crumbles. They keep telling her he's improving, that he'll be awake in no time, but until he looks at her with those ocean blue eyes, she'll worry.

She scoots her chair closer to his bed. Biro had removed the breathing tube the day before, telling her that his damaged lung was strong enough to work on it's own, and needed to work on it's own to continue healing properly. She smiles sadly as she runs her fingers down his cheek, the stubble tickling her skin. She'd loved him stubbly but he'd been shaving more often saying that he didn't want it to scratch her. No matter how many times she told him she didn't care, he insisted on shaving it off. She wondered now if he'd keep it.

Her hand moves from his cheek to his hair, it's longer than it was when they first met, sticking up higher than Sheppard's now, but she didn't care because it was yet another part of Carson she loved. She runs her fingers through it, spiking it out further. The ache has returned to her chest and she feels her eyes burning with tears. No one's seen her cry yet. It's not that she hasn't wanted to but her marine training runs deep. For the past week it had help keep her defenses up but now she was alone and the tears once more were threatening to spill over.

She continues to stroke Carson's hair hoping the contact will soothe her. She lays her other hand on his chest, feeling the warmth of his body, and for a moment she finds comfort in the rising and falling of her hand. As she moves her hand, she can make out the shape of the bandage on Carson's chest and whatever comfort she'd found is lost.

She bites her lower lip as the urge to cry begins to overwhelm her. She takes her hand from his chest and takes his hand. She looks at him with sad eyes, "Oh, baby, why'd you have to go off and try to play hero, huh? Don't you know that's my job? You're supposed to be here to patch me up…not the other way around. I don't know what to do for you. I don't know how to fix you like you fix me."

Finally, after a week of holding them in the tears start to spill over, "Oh Carson….you have to be all right. I can't lose you….I can't lose someone I love." She lays her forehead against the back of his hand and cries, the tears hot on her cheeks. She's so exhausted, so tired of worrying that she cries herself to sleep, her head to the side of Carson's hand, her face pointing up to him.

She finds herself lying on the mainland watching the stars and clouds go by. Then she hears the sweetest thing, "Laura, love, look at me."

She turns to see his smiling face. She wraps her arms around him, "Oh Carson I've missed you. I thought you were gone!" She feels his soft hands on her face and slowly she realizes this can't be real, Carson's back on Atlantis, lying in an infirmary bed. She frowns, "This is a dream isn't it?"

He's still smiling at her, his eyes shining as brightly as the stars, "Aye, but it's a good dream, one that won't last much longer."

Laura begins to panic, "No! Carson you can't go! Please don't leave me."

He places a finger over her lips, "Shush now, love, who said anything about leaving?" He pulls her to him, her head on his chest. "Wouldn't leave you for the world."

She feels his hands running through her hair as she closes her eyes. It's so soothing, she doesn't want this to end but he thinks otherwise.

"Love, wake up," he calls to her, only he sounds more distant. No longer is she in his arms, instead she's falling and falling as her surrounding swirls around her until all she sees is darkness and all she hears is Carson's gentle voice calling her voice from a distance.

"Laura..."

Laura slowly opens her eyes, her head aching from her crying.

"Laura, love?"

She smiles as she hears the voice calling her. She raises her head to see Carson smiling at her. Their fingers are intertwined. There's a glass of water beside him that wasn't there before, "How long have you been awake?"

"About an hour, Nurse Laydon brought me some water….didn't want to wake you, you looked so tired."

She runs her fingers through his hair, "OK, hero, new ground rule. No more pulling stunts like this, all right? That's my job."

Carson smiles weakly, "Yes, m'am. How long have I been out?"

"Too long for me, a week for everyone else."

Her eyes start burning again and she looks away, she doesn't want Carson to see her cry.

"Love, what's wrong?"

She quickly wipes at her eyes with her free hand before looking back at him, "Carson you nearly died on me, hell, from what Biro said you did die on me….twice. I…I almost lost you."

"But you didn't."

"But I could have, Carson! I've never in my life felt so useless as I had this week. I couldn't do anything to help you and it killed me."

She can feel the tears rolling down her cheeks and she looks away embarrassed. He lets go of her hand and gently pulls her face towards him. He wipes away her tears with his thumb.

"Laura, it's ok. Sooner or later I was going to be the one hurt. It comes with the line of work. Please don't cry."

"I'm sorry Carson but you scared me so much. I love you too much to lose you."

Carson gains a dopey grin, "You love me?"

"Carson, are you cracked. I've told you plenty of times."

The hand on her cheek goes to the back of her head and he pulls her in for a kiss.

He smiles into the kiss, "I know I just love to hear you say it. I love you too."

The end