OK, so this is a semi-rewrite of the first chapter, hopefully it's a little more readable now!
Oh, and I don't own the turtles.
hope ya enjoy
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Chapter One - Waiting
Raphael reached for Leo- who cried out and tried to twist away- pulling even tighter on the ropes, a groan of pain escaped him at the movement, and after a second, he hung still.
"Easy bro. I've got you." Raphael said quietly, then, Leo began to cry, soft, silent, tears of pain. A groan escaped his older brother as Raphael tried to untie the ropes around his wrists.The knots had pulled tight enough to make Leo's wrists bleed because of his struggling, and Raphael was starting to wonder about his ability to untie them.
He knew he could just cut them off, but he was dubious about his ability to do so without cutting his brother. The ropes where horribly embedded in the skin around his wrists. "Raph!" Michaelangelo shouted.
"In here Mikey!" Raphael shouted, managing to undo one of the ropes around Leo's left wrist, but there were still two to go. One rope, Leo could probably have broken, if he had really put his mind to it, but two? No chance. Unless he was absolutely desperate, and wild with worry. Even then, it would be unlikely. Three? Impossible. These where thick set ropes.
Michaelangelo stopped when he saw Raphael and Leonardo. "Oh, Leo." He whispered.
"Get Donny." Raphael hissed, struggling with another knot. Michaelangelo ran off, and before Raphael moved onto the last knot, Mikey had returned with Donnatello.
Donnatello's face twisted, and he drew a small blade. "You got him, Raph?" Donnatello whispered. Raphael nodded a little.
"Jus'... jus get him outta this." Raphael whispered. Donnatello stepped forward, and with evident skill, cut the last knot on Leonardo's left hand carefully, it took some time for the knife to cut through the rope. Raphael staggered under the sudden weight. He was surprised, then worried. If his brother had been able, he would have kept most of his weight on his own- but his knees just caved and he fell into Raphael. "Damn, Leo. Hold on bro."
Donnatello moved on, cutting the knots on Leo's right wrist. Once that arm was free, Leo moaned in pain and Raphael followed him gently to the ground.
"Leo!" Michaelangelo cried in alarm.
"He's OK, Mikey." Raph said quietly. Donnatello knelt beside them.
"I haven't time to check him here, Raph." Donnatello said gently. "They could be back any minute." A small cry escaped Leonardo, and though Raphael had been worried about his older brother before, what happened next scared the shell out of him. Leonardo curled closer to Raphael for comfort and warmth.
"Damn, Donny. He's so cold..." Raphael whispered. "Stay here. Mikey- help Raph, keep Leo as warm as possible. I'll bring the battle shell up."
Michaelangelo nodded and sat beside Raphael. "Oh, shell..." Michaelangelo whispered, voice and face betraying the pain he felt inside. "What the shell did they do to him, Raph?"
"I dunno, Mikey." Raphael muttered weakly. "But who ever is responsible for it... is gonna pay."
Leo shuddered, sweat breaking out on his forehead. Michaelangelo moved forward, to offer his warmth and comfort. "Careful, Mikey. He's got... bruises and cuts everywhere." Raphael warned. Michaelangelo nodded grimly.
"I'll kill them." Michaelangelo said very softly, voice full of venom and rage. Raphael cut a worried look to his youngest brother. Then cursed himself, because all he could do was hold Leo, and hope that everything would turn out OK.
He didn't know what to do to soothe Mikey. It worried him, though, his happy-go-lucky brother looked completely destroyed. He looked down to Leo. You would know what to do... to make it better. He told his brother silently.
"He'll be OK, Mike." Raphael offered.
"I don't care. It doesn't matter that he'll be OK, or not. I'm gonna make them sorry for what they did to him. I'll hurt them so bad."
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Leo flinched from Michaelangelo's touch unconsciously. "Leo?" Michaelangelo gaped.
"Mikey?" Leo gasped, eyes opening. "What-!" He sat up so quickly, then curled over his side. "Damnit!" He cried out, choking on the pain.
Donnatello was quick to push him back down. "Relax, Leo. You're safe now." Donnatello hushed. Leo stared at him minute, breathing hard.
"Don? Is... is it really... you guys?" Leo asked carefully.
"Of course it is, Bro." Michaelangelo answered instantly. Leo turned his stare to Michaelangelo. His gaze was broken- like he was lost in despair.
His face twisted. "Oh, shell..."
"What is it, Leo?" Donnatello asked, he had cared for his brothers wounds as much as he could, without all his equipment that he had at the lab. Leo shook his head helplessly.
"I don't... I don't know... if it's- really you guys..." Leo whispered.
"What the shell does that mean? Of course it's us!" Michaelangelo replied flatly. Leo stared hard at him, then swallowed.
"W... where are we?" He asked weakly.
"Battle shell. Leo, what happened? Who did this to you?" Donnatello demanded gently.
Leo's eyes never left Donnatello's. "You guys did." Then he turned away painfully, facing the wall of the Battle Shell, his back facing Donnatello and Michaelangelo, he drew his left leg up a little, trying to brace his right knee.
Michaelangelo cried something in disbeleif, but Donnatello didn't hear him. He stared hard at his oldest brothers back, begging him to turn around, to tell him it was a joke- or at least... to explain. But then, if Leo didn't know... how could he explain?
"Oh, shell." Donnatello whispered, almost reaching out for Leo- but his hand wavered above his right shoulder helplessly. Then, he drew away. Michaelangelo cut a wild, helpless scared look to Donnatello.
"But- Donny!" Michaelangelo cried out again, and reached for Leo.
"No, don't touch him Mikey." Donnatello said quickly.
"But--" Michaelangelo began. "His my bro!"
Donnatello looked away. Even though Leo knew- or at least, Donnatello hoped he knew- that his real brothers wouldn't hurt him... he knew it would be a long, long time, until Leo trusted them again.
"Leo... Oh shell- I'm so sorry... Please-" Donnatello began, but Leo's shoulders hunched at the words, as if they caused him pain. "It's OK, bro... We'll... I'll... it'll..." Donnatello flailed. "We'll help you."
"We're here, now."
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Leonardo lingered in the doorway- he knew... he understood- but... he couldn't... Just- hands down, absolutely could not-
"Leo- you shouldn't--" Michaelangelo began, then trailed off. Leo looked over his shoulder at his youngest brother. "Donny... Donny says... that you shouldn't... you... you shouldn't be outta bed yet..."
Leo didn't say a word, just stared silently at Michaelangelo. But Michaelangelo just stared right back.
"You know it's us, right? We're home- you're safe. We're... you're OK, now bro." Michaelangelo began, Leo's eyes slipped to the floor.
"Mikey- who the shell are ya talkin' to..." Raphael began, then trailed off, seeing Leo. "You uh... shouldn't be out of-"
"I told him that already!" Michaelangelo snapped, nerves frayed. Raphael glared at him for a second.
"Come on, Leo. Let's... you should go back to bed-" Raphael began, unconsciously reaching for his brothers arm to guide him back to the infirmary.
Leo recoiled. Raphael stopped, eyes on his hand, then on Leo.
"Damnit, Leo! It's us! We ain't gonna hurt you!" Raphael snarled. He thought mildly that the worst thing he could do right now was get angry- that it could only make things worse- but then the rage bubbled up, and he gave up trying to be calm and reasonable. It wasn't his strong point, and being angry was better than being hurt or scared anyday.
He reached again for Leo- even while Michaelangelo reached out to stop him. Raphael grabbed Leo's right fore-arm in a vice-like grip.
A cry of alarm and pain escaped Mikey's older brother and he flinched away- trying to free himself from Raphael's grip.
"Raph!" Michaelangelo cried. "Leo- Donny! Master Splinter!" Michaelangelo shouted names off in rapid-fire, hoping that someone would either come to their senses, or come to the rescue.
He got both.
Donnatello rushed in- ready to pull Raphael off Leo, but his intervention was not required.
Leo swept Raphael's feet from under him- and followed him down- he punched Raphael, not as hard as he could- but hard enough- and twisted one of Raphael's fingers back, until Raphael cried out and released his arm. Then, Leo leapt up and away, smoothly.
"You ever touch me again- and I'll..." Leo trailed off, not even breathing heavily. Michaelangelo helped a stunned Raphael sit up, then stand.
"It's 'bout bloody time you got some fight into you Leo! It's us OK! We ain't gonna hurt ya!" Raphael snarled.
"Raph-" Michaelangelo began, but Donnatello shook his head. Michaelangelo frowned at him.
"You hurt me then." Leo said flatly.
"You... what?" Raphael gaped, looking at Leo's right fore-arm, sure enough, the flesh looked sore, red, from being gripped so hard.
Leo merely glared vehemently at him. "Don't... don't you understand?!" Leo snarled.
"Understand what?! What the shell is there to understand?! You got beat up bad- OK? By people- things, made to look like us- big deal! It's over! Suck it up!" Raphael growled, equally savage. "What the shell is there for us to understand?!"
Leo stared hard at Raphael for a minute, then at Donnatello and Michaelangelo. "You don't want to hear this." He said very softly to Michaelangelo.
"But-" Michaelangelo cried.
"Go, Mikey. Now!" Donnatello barked. Michaelangelo left slowly, reluctantly. After he was well gone, and they heard the TV come on, Donnatello turned back to Leo. "What don't we understand, Leo? Please- let us help... Tell us what we don't understand." Donnatello asked calmly, trying to be reasonable.
Leo laughed dryly. But Donnatello got the impression that the only reason he laughed was so that he didn't have to cry. "You don't understand... how hard it is... for me..." Leo looked away bitterly. Raphael took a menacing step forward. "Back off!" Leo snarled suddenly, eyes locking on Raphaels, glowing with a fierce anger.
"Raph." Donnatello warned. Then nodded to Leo.
"Sure, I know it wasn't you guys that did it. My mind knows. But my body doesn't. My body- my heart, can't tell the difference. Only my mind knows." Leo paused. "The kind of betrayal... I felt. You can't... even begin to... contemplate... the kind of pain y-they put me through, the mental pain, as well as the physical torture " Donnatello flinched at the word "because for a whole week, I didn't know it wasn't really... you. How much I thought you must have... loathed me to... do that..." Leo sighed, drawing a shaking breath. "Right now... I can't bare to- have any of you near me, let alone touch me... because I'm trying so fucking hard not to hate you."
Raphael recoiled, Donnatello's chest lurched. And Mikey's heart broke. Yeah- he was listening, just outside the hallway.
"What?!" Raphael spluttered.
Leo shook his head, a look of contempt on his face as he stared at Raphael.
Leo was the first to walk away. Raphael and Donnatello remained, staring at the spot where their oldest brother had been standing. Michaelangelo slid down the wall, helpless tears over-whelming him.
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"Don't worry, Mikey. We'll get him back..." Donnatello said as kindly as he could. He and Raphael had found him, basically drowning in his tears outside the hallway. "You remember when he hit Raph? He pulled his punch. He wouldn't have done that if he hated us. He's just... trying to get over what... they did to him."
"But... But he said-" Michaelangelo floundered.
"We just gotta give him time, Mikey. Raph, that goes for you too. Don't you dare loose your cool like you did today!" Donnatello threatened. Raphael looked away.
"What can we do, Donny?" Michaelangelo whispered. "He's hurt! So fix him! You know how to fix things that get broken- so fix him! Fix us!"
Donnatello looked away bitterly. Michaelangelo was not usually so child-like. He wondered why he had regressed so much now. Maybe... maybe it's his last defense. "Oh, shell, Mikey. I'm... I fix machines, computers. Not people."
"I don't care! Fix him- tell me how- I'll do it! Please!" Michaelangelo begged. "You're a doctor- make him better!"
I'm not that kind of doctor, Mikey... I fix wounds, I help get rid of flues and muscle cramps... Physical wounds and pains... Those, I fix. People... no. I don't fix what's inside people... Not what counts, anyway...
"I..." Donnatello trailed of. I don't know how, Mikey. I don't know how to make this better! I don't know how to fix him! "I'll try, OK? But we all gotta try, and we gotta give him time. It'll take time."
"It'll just take time." Donnatello repeated, aware that no one listened to him now. The words were just for him, and they didn't help.
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"Sit down, we needa talk." Raphael said carefully.
Leo kept walking, didn't even react.
"Sit down, it's just a talk." Raphael repeated. Leo stared at him, and Raphael forced a smile. "Just a talk."
Leo watched him carefully, then sat down opposite him, as far away as he could get, while still being in the same room. They sat in silence for what seemed like an eternity. "So, talk." Leo said tersely.
Raphael's eyes narrowed, and for a second, he began to wonder why he was bothering- then, he remembered Mikey's desperate pleading look, and Donny's sad look of resignation. They've reached the end of their rope... They can't go on like this.
We gotta fix him. Somehow. I gotta fix him.
"Shell, Leo. Where did we go wrong? We used to be best friends. You an' me. I dunno where I lost ya... Maybe you lost me. I dunno, honestly, I don't care. I just... I miss you, bro. We all miss you. The turtle you used ta be." Raphael sighed.
Leo remained in his uncomfortable silence.
Raphael swallowed. Real helpful. Suppose, now ain't tha besta times ta have a heart-ta-heart with me bro... He decided dryly. "We... I know you mean best, used to mean best, anyway, when you pushed us so hard, gave me so much stick. Everything. I jus'... never appreciated how hard it was- how hard we were, on ya. And I'm sorry fer that, bro. Really. But ya never said a thing. I know that doesn't mean nothing. But how where we ta know you were hurting? Ya hid it so damn well. Shell. You're killin' us. I know that don't help, because whatever happened to you, is killing ya too."
Nothing.
Raphael sighed again. Shell, I've started now, no sense in stopping... Try and slip past his defence, Raph. You guys used to be real close. You're... you're our last hope. Without Master Splinter here... Shell, Raph... I don't know what to do anymore. Donnatello's last words to him before Raph's talk to Leo, still rang clear in his mind, and Michaelangelos hopeful smile was the only thing keeping him going.
"I know ya'd do anything for us. You've proved it, so many times. Shell, you've nearly died for us... Done everything you ever possibly could- and we keep askin' fer more." Raphael paused, hoping for something- anything from his older brother.
Nothing.
"You always bounce back, over come everything. Truth be told, I've been wonderin' a while now, past half year or so, if ya had any miraculous recoveries left in ya..." Raphael paused, eyes never leaving his brothers- but wait- Leo had been staring hard at him all through the conversation, if it could be called that. But now- his eyes where on the floor, as if he couldn't look at Raphael anymore. Couldn't meet his eyes.
"But god, I hope ya do. Cos we need ya bro." Raphael whispered. "We- I- need ya to have one more miraculous recovery left in ya. We need ya ta come back to us."
Do what you can, Raph. Lay down all you've got to say... And... then.. shell- pray to god he hears you. Listens to you...
Nothing.
Raphael sat back, helpless. Giving up. He had nothing left. He had nothing else to say, he didn't know how to fix Leo. Maybe Leo couldn't be fixed anymore. There's only so many band-aids you can put on something before it stops helping. There's only so many times you can wrap duct-tape around a crack in a pipe before the water leaks through anyway.
"Alright, bro. I'm sorry." Raphael sighed. "Jus' wish... ya know, now that I finally get all emotional and that crap, that you'd kinda be the same."
Nothing.
He stood, sending a last, helpless look at his brother.
But, now, sitting in the chair, the figure wasn't his brother. His brother was lost inside.
"Ya bent and broken, Leo. I understand that. And... we don't mind if ya... never really come back ta us... It's OK, we'll... shell, we understand." Raphael muttered. Come on, Leo! Pull through- suck it up! This is your cue to get all bouncy and leap around shouting out orders and takin' us on patrol-
Nothing.
Raphael walked away.
Nothing.
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Raphael sighed, staring up silently at his ceiling when the door opened. Donnatello had been up twice already, checking on him. And Mikey had been up four or five times. Raphael had given up on Leo ever coming up.
Leo? He asked himself, begging- so, he hadn't given up. Big deal.
His heart sank. "Hey, Raph... I brought... some food up... just... in case." Michaelangelo said weakly.
"Where's Leo?" Raphael asked quietly.
"Dojo." Michaelangelo replied flatly. Raphael frowned. "What?"
"The Dojo. He's been home, what? A month? Two weeks bed ridden. Two weeks up and about. Tell me, the two places he ain't been-"
"Master Splinter's room- and the dojo!" Michaelangelo grinned, dropping the tray- sending food everywhere. But Raphael didn't mind.
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"Raph, you go. Mikey, with me." Donnatello said quietly.
"Aw- but, Donny!" Michaelangelo cried.
"No, Raph might have made the break through. Let him talk to Leo." Donnatello said flatly. Michaelangelo pulled a face, then grinned wildly at Raphael, before allowing Donnatello to drag him away.
Raphael took a deep breath, then entered the dojo. Leo was running through a Kata, swords flashing in the candle light. Jus' like old times. Raphael buried the smile. This don't mean shell yet.
"Leo?" Raphael asked softly.
Leo's shoulders tensed, but he didn't pause in the Kata.
Raphael stood in silence. He didn't know why- but it felt like Leo had something to say.
"I tried to be perfect. But it wasn't enough. I trained for hours every day- and all I got was stick for it. The reason I trained so hard was so that I could look after you. Make sure you all got home OK. I was so strict and so careful and always planning so I could make sure you didn't get hurt. All I got for that was trouble for my efforts. I kinda got to thinking all of it... just wasn't worth it. But then I thought about all the close calls we had. How many times you or Mikey or Donny would have been killed- if I hadn't been there, if I hadn't trained so hard- if I hadn't been so careful. And that did make it worth it." Leo paused for breath, he finished the Kata he had been on, and started another smoothly. This time, it was an advanced one. One Raphael couldn't do yet.
Raphael looked away. Damnit, Leo. You always manage to make me feel like shit.
"I always knew you where all right behind me, that if I fell to pieces, you'd help put me back together. But, I just felt like we were running in circles. And I'm tired." Leo sighed.
"So, what?" Raphael asked weakly.
"All those close calls, I was never sure we'd all make it through. But I always had faith." Leo stopped.
"And?"
"This time, I don't know... I don't know if we... I... can make it through this."
Raphael's world shattered. "So ya just gonna give up? Is that what you're sayin?" Raphael demanded. How could he- how can Leo even think about givin' up?!
Leo didn't reply.
"I need you!" Raphael shouted out helplessly, before he knew what he was saying.
Everything seemed to stop. Leo stopped, Raphael stopped- the candles stopped burning, the wax stopped melting.
"No, you don't." Leo said softly, he sheathed his blades, then drew the strap from his shoulder. As he walked past Raphael, he pressed the sheathed blades into Raphael's plastron. "You need- who I was. A leader."
No, Leo. You're wrong. I don't need a Leader. I never did.
"I need a brother."
But it was too late.
He was gone.
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Raphael sat in a heavy silence. "He ain't comin' back, not this time. He ain't got no miraculous recoveries left in 'im." Raphael said softly, voice weak, as if he couldn't beleive what he was saying.
Michaelangelo didn't cry. Couldn't cry. The pain inside him... was past crying.
Donnatello looked away from his brothers. "We're... we're gonna fall apart at the seams, without him."
Raphael nodded. All he could do was sit tight, and watch his brothers unravel.
You guys... are the reason I'm holding on... Raphael thought wearily. Shell, he was so tired. All he wanted to do was lay down and... what? Sleep? No. Die?
He didn't want to answer that question.
They sat in that horrible, painful silence, unable to look at eachother- but waiting... waiting- for what?
Waiting for the echoes of an angel that wouldn't return.
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so I hope the dividers stayed this time, the first time no matter what I did they wouldn't stay, and that made it really hard to read, but it had just pissed me off so much I didn't want to try again... hehehe...
thanks for reading