1983
Disclaimer: Jack and Ennis belong to Annie Proulx. I just filled the blank parts….
With powerful and nice help of my beta 'goldencompass' and the encouragement of my friend Bob. Thank you, very much!
P.S. All mistakes are mine!
The summer that year was cold and rainy. In May Jack and Ennis spent a cold week together in the mountains. When they parted, they had an argument and long-suppressed frustration came breaking out of Jack. In the end, they resolved nothing. As usual, Ennis was gone with his horse trailer and Jack had watched him go, as so often the last years.
Jack wanted to no longer continue. He was sick of the perpetual roller-coaster of feelings, of anticipation and disappointment, because Ennis was still not able to stand by him, even after almost twenty years. He felt too old, to continue investing more feelings and life into a relationship without a future.
Ennis was divorced, his children grown up. He was a free man but he refused to listen to his heart. When they were together, Jack knew that Ennis still loved him, but his hopes of a life together had been disappointed over and over again. How often he had wondered what it all meant, on his way back to Texas. After their meetings he drank for days to numb the pain. Ennis had been angry at him when he was talking about Mexico. Angry and jealous! Jack wanted to embrace him more than anything and tell Ennis how disgusting and shameful his few visits to the Mexican male prostitutes had been. Jack felt too old for these games, standing up and in alley ways, after which he felt dirty and disgusted by himself. He longed for a loving relationship. And he longed for honesty. At the very least he wanted to be able to say to the man he loved "Yes, I'm gay. Yes, I love you." He didn't want to build a false facade around his heart anymore. At home, at least, he wanted to be who he really was.
When they separated, Jack was on his way to his parents thinking about everything. Inwardly, he separated himself from Ennis. He would write no more postcards and would no longer answer any. Inwardly, he separated from Lureen, too. Their marriage was just a huge
burden and Lureen was ultimately not happy with him. Jack wanted to bring order to his life. He wanted no more compromises.
For several months he had a relationship with Randall. Randall was a foreman on a large ranch, in a neighboring town. He was married but he had already separated from his wife and wanted a future with Jack. Jack liked Randall very much. He was smart, a good friend, liked to go out, to go hunting and fishing and he was a tender, sensitive lover. He was not like Ennis. Ennis was the one for Jack! But this story seemed to have a future. Randall was not ashamed about his feelings. Even on the evening they had met first, he flirted so hard that Lureen thought Randall was flirting with her. Jack knew the flirting was for him, and later, as they waited for their wives, Randall had taken the opportunity to make a date with Jack. It was so easy. Their wives got along very well, so it wasn't a problem for the two men to spend time together. The experience of spending time together, whether playing pool or darts in the bar, having drinks, to talk or just sit next to each other at the bar before landing in bed, was quite new to Jack. He loved the mountains but he also loved occasional human society and he was glad that Randall enjoyed their evenings together just as much as Jack did. Randall was obviously proud to go out with Jack. Of course, they took care to keep the true nature of their relationship a secret. Officially, they were very close friends. This went on for some months and Jack was grew more comfortable with the idea of moving to L.F. with Randall. Randall had studied agriculture. The conditions were good to build up his father's ranch together. He had separated from his wife. She had already moved back to Dallas. Now Jack had to bring order to his own life. Ennis did not want a common future. It had finally become clear after their last clash.
Jack visited his parents for three days and he talked about his divorce and the plans he had with Randall. The father was skeptical, as always with Jack's ideas. However, he would have to accept the help of the two younger men.
June and July 1983 were much too cold. In August, it barely rained a drop and Ennis' Boss was very worried because the price of beef was the worst in years. Ennis learned in September that he would have work only for a few weeks because the ranch had been sold. He would have to look for new work. But perhaps he could spend two weeks with Jack. His longing was great and at the end of September, he wrote a postcard. Just one day later he got a telegram from Jack. That had never happened before and obviously this could not be the answer to his postcard "The boy has probably been longing, too ... .." Ennis thought, as he excitedly opened the envelope.
HELLO ENNIS, FATHER KILLED IN AN ACCIDENT, MOTHER NEEDS URGENT HELP, CAN NOT LEAVE KNOW, PLEASE GO TO L.F.! JACK
That was not what Ennis had expected or hoped for! This news was disturbing. Ennis was up all night thinking about, what he should do now. In the morning he listened to his heart, for the first time. He packed his belongings, spoke to his boss, loaded the horses onto the trailer and went on his way to Jack's mother's. The road took some time, because he could not drive fast with the trailer and Ennis thought about how awful it was when his own parents had their accident and he and his siblings were left alone. His childhood ended with that accident.
It was the first time that Jack had asked him for help and Ennis was sure that Jack has good reasons why he couldn't go to his mother, to help her himself. Ennis remembered clearly, how happy his brother and sister had been, if some neighbors helped them with the cattle and with administrative matters.
It was already dark when he got his trailer parked in front of the Twist Ranch. Suddenly it seemed strange that in all these years he never was here before with Jack. Mrs. Twist looked cautiously out of the door. She was a seasoned farmer's wife but she was somewhat shaken by the events of recent days. Ennis walked slowly toward her. As he stood in the light beam of the lantern, he pulled his hat and said "Hello M'am. Jack sent me to help. Sorry about his father." " Good evening, you must be Randall, Jack told us about you. Come in please." She stepped aside.
Ennis was queasy and he did not move from the spot. Who the hell was Randall ? "Please come in. Are you hungry?" Ennis followed her slowly into the house and suddenly felt totally out of place. He groped for the telegram in his pocket. In light of the kitchen the woman looked at Ennis and asked him if he was alright. He held out the telegram and she read it. A smile crossed her face. "Ennis Del Mar! It's nice to meet you! Jack always talked so much about you when he visited us. Please take a seat. I'm just cooking something to eat. "She went to the stove to stir something and even brought a plate, utensils, and a cold beer. Ennis sat down, took a big gulp of beer and had the feeling that Jack's mother was happy that he was sitting here and not Randall! After the meal Mrs. Twist showed him a place for his horses in her barn and Ennis unloaded his few belongings from the car. "Ennis, you can sleep in Jack's room. I've left it the way it was when he was a boy. I think he liked it. It's just upstairs.- "Ennis thanked her for the meal, said good night and took his bag up in Jack's bedroom. So, here was where he slept when he visited his parents. Ennis was excited. He looked at the room by the light of a small lamp. There was a narrow bed, a desk, an air rifle, a wall niche as a wardrobe. Ennis undressed, lay down on Jack's bed and Jack suddenly felt very close. "I wish you were here now, my friend ... ... .." With that thought, he fell into a fitful sleep.
The next morning started early with the clatter of breakfast dishes, smell of fresh coffee and tempting aroma of fried eggs and bacon. A breakfast like this was not typical for Ennis. Usually he only drank coffee with his first cigarette. At breakfast, Jack's mother told him how the accident with Jack's father happened. He had been helping a neighbor with roof work and had fallen to the ground. He was killed instantly. John Twist was very sparing all his life, but he had paid the money for a life insurance policy to be issued,- which for now at least, meant his widow had no financial worries. "Ennis, I would be happy if you could stay with me for a while. Although I can't pay very much but you would have food and lodging for yourself and the horses for free and I would also do your laundry." Ennis thought for a moment and then said "I am happy to help."
Mrs. Twist was a practical woman and she showed Ennis the ranch just after breakfast. Ennis saw the work at a glance and got started right away. There was a lot to do.
At dinner he learned why Jack could not come from Texas at the moment. He was divorcing Lureen and the court date required him to appear in person. Ennis remembered this well from his own divorce from Alma, even if it had been several years ago.
About this Randall, Mrs. Twist said nothing.
Several days passed and Ennis felt good. Slowly the operation was running smooth again, and Mrs. Twist seemed to be pleased to take care of him as a son. He enjoyed the motherly care. The first time he drove her into town, Ennis had a strange feeling. He suddenly felt the loss of his own mother very much. He had always kept these thoughts suppressed.
Mrs. Twist introduced him everywhere as Jack's good friend who had come to stand at her side and assist her with the ranch. Ennis was universally welcomed and by the next week many people already knew his name.
After two weeks, Ennis began to wonder, why they had no news from Jack. He lay awake at night. His eyes wandered and after a while, he couldn't stay in the boy bed, no longer. He wandered about the room thinking about Randall. Who was this guy? Was Jack possibly getting a divorce for him? But why did he send him, Ennis, to his mother? Ennis didn't know how to make any sense of it. He only knew that his longing for Jack was getting stronger and he had the feeling that Jack's mother knew exactly who he was, but she didn't speak of it directly. It was just something in the tone of her voice when she said "This is Jack's good friend, Ennis" Maybe it was just his imagination. He wandered through the room. Ennis knew that he was pretty paranoid when it came to his love affair with Jack. He stopped in front of the cabinet. He pushed Jack's jacket and the clothes a little bit to the side and suddenly he saw the crack next to the cabinet. He shoved his hand and felt fabric. A blue shirt. Jack's blue shirt, with a blood stain on the sleeve. He had worn it on their last day on Brokeback. Ennis pulled the shirt out of the crack and found his own plaid shirt, he thought he had lost tucked inside from the collar to the sleeves. Jack had taken it, and kept hidden all these years! A warm wave spilled onto Ennis. His longing for Jack came over him painfully, along with the fear that it might be too late for them both because HE was never able to truly decide to be with Jack, in all these long years. Tears welled in his eyes. His terror that he lost Jack forever was increasing. He thought of their last goodbye, during that argument. He lay on the bed, onto the two shirts and tried to find a little residual smell of Jack, but there was nothing, just a memory. Suddenly, all the dams broke. He cried, on their two shirts and all the mistakes he made over the years came to his mind. Jack had been right! They wasted so much time while they could have been living together! He simply, had not had enough courage!
- He didn't hear the door. Suddenly, Jack's mother sat by his bed and said softly "Jack has been sleeping for weeks on these shirts and every night I heard him cry. I didn't quite have the courage to comfort him because I was afraid of the truth. Now I know that no one can change anything if he's in love."
She touched Ennis shoulder softly and whispered "Shhh, it's okay. I would like to have two sons." Ennis sobbed uncontrollably and for the first time in his life he could say everything, let everything out. His childhood trauma of the loss of parents, the terrible experience with the dead neighbor, his love for Jack, their time on the mountain, his doubts, his ever-increasing fear of beeing discovered, his inability to admit even that he was gay, his messed up marriage to Alma, his lousy life.
The old woman listened, and she had a secret, too. "Ennis, I knew that about you and Jack since 1963. Jack did not cry as quietly as you. He was so young and his heart was broken. He often cried your name in his sleep. When he got that fever, after he had captured lost calf, he had talked over and over about you. I had hoped it would pass ... Then he got married and I thought everything was okay. But after years, when he visited us for the first time, he spoke less of his wife and the little boy, and more about your reunion after four years. Since that day, I definitely knew that this is a real, great, love. But the fact that my son is a homosexual upset me. I needed medical help. The doctor quickly realized that I was tormented by psychological problems and I told her, what was bothering me quite frankly. She sent me to a psychologist in the next town. I never spoke openly to my husband but I learned, to accept the facts. I knew that I am not the only mother with a gay son. Ennis, I love my son and would like nothing more than for him to be happy. He just seems to need you to be happy. Are you not looking for a little happiness and security? "
That hit him! Ennis was speechless. The woman continued her silence. After some long minutes, Ennis said: "Thank you, Mrs. Twist." Finally, under cover of night, things came to light. After hours of talking Ennis was empty, but calm and comforted. He had confidence in Jack's mother. She would not exploit what she had heard tonight. As the sky brightened, she said "No more sleep tonight, I'll make us coffee." Ennis was still thinking. He felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders. It was a good feeling and he felt new life force flowing. Jack was lucky to have such a mother.
At breakfast, Jack's mother told him some stories of her difficult marriage to the choleric John Twist, who beat wife and child. Now, after his death, she was looking forward to realizing some of her own dreams. She wanted to have few dairy cows to have a second income when the price of meat will turn bad. And she also wanted an extension to the house, with a covered porch. Her husband had always refused to have the work done.
"And if you want, we can build two horse stalls in the barn." Ennis grinned and said. "M'am I'll build anything you want." Later at work, he felt a bit like it was his ranch he was working now. It was a good feeling. When Jack would be here, it would be perfectly!
He pushed aside the thoughts of Randall.
Lureen's letter came two days later. She reported that Jack had had a serious accident and was brought, by helicopter, to Dallas, to St. Paul's University Hospital. It was still not clear whether Jack would survive. About the divorce, she wrote nothing.
Mrs. Twist and Ennis read the letter before dinner. Both were shocked and very concerned for Jack. Ennis had no desire to go to Texas, and certainly not a large city like Dallas, but now he would have given his right eye, to be at Jacks side for just one hour!
Lureen had included the phone number for the intensive care. Mrs. Twist did not have a phone, so they had to wait until the next day, to make the call.
Dallas, Texas
Jack felt a soft hand on his left wrist. A woman's voice said, "Doctor, I think he's waking up." To Jack the voice said "Mr. Twist, please remain calm, you've had an accident." Jack tried to open his eyes but he managed to only open them a tiny amount. He could not even speak. His mouth felt like it was taped shut. The bright light hurt his eyes and he fought against the tube in his throat. There was a beeping noise and a terrible, long-drawn out alarm that scared him. Jack tried to move but found to could not.
"Mr. Twist, remain calm. It will be better soon. "This time, he heard a male voice. Someone invisible broke a bandage on his nose. It hurt and something was pulled from his throat through his nose. "Better now, Mr. Twist?" asked the man's voice. The alarm fell silent, and Jack was able to breathe better. He tried to nod and say something, but he couldn't.
"Try not to talk, you have a broken jaw. We had to wire it up, so you can not open your mouth. Do you have any pain? If so you blink two times." Jack had no pain at the moment. But he didn't know where he was and how he got there. The last thing he remembered was an iron bar hitting his nose. Then darkness. Now he heard people coming and going, quiet conversations, unknown beeping sounds and rattling doors.
He did not know how long he had been unconscious. After some time he could open his eyes better. He looked into the face of a young nurse who was wiping his face with a washcloth. It hurt him and he groaned. The nurse was startled "Oh, sorry, Mr. Twist, I didn't mean to hurt you." She continued with her washing, but now with extra caution. She went on to clean every inch of Jack's body and he was deeply embarrassed.
He could still not move properly but when the nurse was washing him, he had a look at his stomach. Shit! If everything else was so injured like this, then he must look 'great'. His left arm was in a cast and on his stomach was a long patch from the sternum to the pubic bone. He apparently had a catheter inserted and in his right wrist hung an IV line. "Jack, you look great." he said to himself.
The nurse had finished her work and raised the top of the bed so that Jack could see. A few moments later, a doctor entered Jack's room. He sat down next to him and asked if Jack felt a little better. "I will ask you some questions and will tell you what happened to you. Can you follow me?" Jack nodded.
"Do you have pain?" Jack said no. "Do you know where you are?" Jack said no. "Do you know who you are?" Jack nodded. It was terrible for him, not to be able to talk and he wanted to know exactly what had happened. The doctor calmly told him the story from the beginning. "It was a week ago. You arrived at emergency by helicopter from Childress. Jack's eyes went wide and the doctor was able to interpret his question correctly. "Oh yes, you are in the St. Paul University Hospital in Dallas. Should I continue or would you like to have a break?" Jack wanted him to continue.
"You had a serious car accident. Your wife found you, by chance, because she went home from the office one hour earlier than usual. She brought you to the hospital in Childress with her own car, but once there, they immediately saw that you were heavily injured and you were transported by helicopter to us. We have operated on several times and you were in an artificial coma for five days. But things look better than we had initially assumed. Don't worry too much. The opportunity to get well again is very good." Jack moaned. This conversation was pretty hard. "Sleep a little bit Mr. Twist. Every day will be better from here. Oh by the way, your wife is coming tomorrow. I have called her this morning." The doctor got up and left Jack to assimilate this news. Jack closed his eyes and the events that had placed him in a hospital bed ran like a movie in his mind:
In the morning was the trial date with Lureen. The divorce proceeded in a factual and businesslike manner. They had everything cleared in advance anyway. Lureen was too much of a business woman and had her emotions under control.
It was different that night in May when he came back from Wyoming and had opened up to her, telling her that he wanted to split up and why. Another woman, yes it would have hurt! But a man as a rival! No woman in the world could accept that!
She was deeply hurt, although she had felt for a long time that there was something wrong in her marriage. There was screaming and crying and it took days before they both found a level and were able to discuss everything. Jack slept from then on in the guest room or at Randall's. Of course, Lureen wanted to get sole custody of Bobby. Jack knew that she would also get. That was the reason he had delayed the separation so long. But now, the state of things were unbearable for him. He only could hope that his son would forgive him and understand him later.
Jack was often drunk with Randall during this time. He comforted Jack. Jack was weak and helpless when he was drunk. In such a moment of weakness, between midnight and dawn, they were lying together in bed smoking when it happened. Jack told him all that had happened between him and Ennis. The summer on the mountain, his love, grief, their reunion after four years, the whole, shitty, secret relationship, the lies, the Mexico trips. He let out everything. Randall listened to him very quietly. He was not nearly as drunk as Jack and he recognized the importance of the story immediately. He was madly jealous of Ennis. As Jack came to an end, an awkward silence was between them.
Although Jack still was drunk he could feel that something was wrong. "Randall, are you asleep?" "No, I'm listening to you, but I don't like what I hear!" Jack turned to Randall and looked at him. Randall said coldly "Jack, you didn't get the one you love, and now I' m your consolation! Shit for me, that you're the ONE for me!" Jack heard anger and jealousy and regretted not keeping his mouth shut.
They did not speak again about this issue until one day, three days before the divorce date, when the news came of the death of his father.
Randall went wild when Jack told him that he had asked Ennis, for help. They were in a bar and there were loud and cress words. Some people looked at them blankly and shook their heads. The matter escalated completely when two days later a postcard from Ennis arrived, saying that he wanted to meet up with Jack. Lureen had put it in Randall's mail box out of pure malice. After all it was now clear about the trips her husband had made several times a year! For decades!
If he thought about that, Jack could understand his wife. However, this postcard was the straw that broke the camel's back for Randall. This time it was Randall who allowed himself to get wrecked in the bar. And the bartender listened to the story he told about Lureen Newsomes husband.
Jack was not generally liked in the town. After the story about Jack being gay had made the rounds, after the divorce, there was that appalling attack. Three men ran Jack's car into the ditch, pulled him out of the car and beat him thoroughly. Jack fought hard, but there was no way he could win against three men! He fended off the blow of an iron rod with his left forearm, thereby breaking the ulna and radius. Jack grabbed instinctively at the cast on his arm at the memory of the deep pain. They kicked him, he fell down, kicks in the ribs and his waist which ruptured his spleen and bladder! With all the internal bleeding, he almost died! The last thing he remembered was a hit with the iron rod to his nose. Then he lost consciousness. They must have hit him again because his jaw and left cheek bone were broken, too. Jack felt he was lucky to be alive!
The next day he was moved from the intensive care unit. He was given a room overlooking the skyline of Dallas. Jack has never been in a big city. He was impressed. Next to him was a man who was about the same age. He was waiting for his surgery and paid no attention to Jack, who couldn't talk with all the wires in his mouth. So Jack looked out of the window. The man in the next bed, who had introduced himself as Bob, was picked up for his surgery and shortly afterwards came the doctor Jack had seen previously. He looked at the incision on Jack's stomach and said: "I think, we can remove the stitches soon. The catheter I can take out immediately. Then you can get up easier. The wires in your mouth will come out next week. Only the plaster on the arm will accompany you home."
"Home!" Jack thought "Where the hell is home?" The doctor had replaced the bandage on Jack's abdomen. Then with his left hand he grabbed Jack's penis, held it tightly and unblocked the bladder catheter with a syringe "A deep breath, Mr. Twist." Jack sucked in his breath audibly as the doctor pulled the tube out of his penis. "Don't worry everything will work like it did before." He held Jack's penis a moment too long and too tenderly, just so he could feel the approaching flow of blood of an erection under his fingertips. Jack's face was fiery red. The doctor didn't look at him. He put away the dirty bandages and cleaned hands thoroughly. The redness had disappeared from Jacks cheeks as the doctor turned and said goodbye to him.
A few hours later, after a liquid lunch, Lureen arrived. She was pale and thin in the face and carried a travel bag and a briefcase. When she looked at Jack, he saw in her eyes, how terrible he must look. He hadn't dared to look into a mirror.
"Hello, Jack." She blew a kiss on his cheek. "They told me, you can't talk." Jack nodded. "I'm so glad that you're alive! That you feel better. I was so worried about you!" It sounded sincere. She sat on the chair beside his bed.
"Randall came to see me. He has brought all your stuff. He left Childress and won't return. He hasn't left an address." Jack nodded weakly. Lureen sat silently for a moment, as if to gather strength for what she now wanted to say.
"Jack, I have to say a few things and honestly, it's hard for me." She picked up the briefcase, which she had brought, opened it and turned it so that Jack could look inside. On top was, his car keys and a garage parking ticket, along with an envelope containing cash and apparently including a lot of papers. Jack looked inquiringly at Lureens face, although he already knew what that meant.
"Jack, I loved you very much. It becomes painfully clear to me, as I washed your blood, from the back seat of my car. I didn't know whether you live or die. I just knew that I was once, in a similar back seat, the happiest woman in the world, because you had me in your arms."
Jack swallowed a few tears. He also had some really nice memories of the early days of their love. Lureen continued, a bit happy about the fact that Jack had to listen, without to be able to contradict her. "In this case are the divorce papers and all your personal papers. You will need them for your new life. Your other things are in your truck. I have parked it in the secure garage next to the clinic. I'll take the Greyhound back home."
She paused for a moment, then said the most difficult part: "You can never come back to Childress. I will be saying that you're dead." Very softly she added " To our son as well. I want to spare him and myself the shame of a gay father. He is teased enough, at school, because of your 'accident'."
Silence.
Jack knew she was right about everything she had said. He was eternally thankful to his now ex-wife. She had not only saved his life, she had dismissed him with decency and dignity from their marriage. Of course, everything in life has a price but he already knew that. The price he had to pay was the loss of his son. Lureen sat on the chair and looked very battered. The case was still on her knees. Jack gulped and stroked her with his right hand on the cheek. He pointed to want to write something. She closed the suitcase and placed it beside the bag on the floor. In her purse was found a notebook and a pen.
He found a blank page and wrote:
Please forgive me! I could not love you like you loved me. Believe me, I've tried. Thanks for everything. Kiss my son for me. Jack
Both of them were weeping. Lureen hugged Jack briefly and then left, very quickly. "Goodbye, Jack." She disappeared and Jack watched her go. He was aware of how large a part of his life Lureen had been. He felt that only now, at the moment she left the room.
Jack spent the rest of the day in bed, deep in thought about everything and glad to be alone. In the evening, the still sleeping, Bob was brought back to the room and the nurse came in and out a few times. Jack stared at the wall. When she came for the third time and Jack was still motionless, she stood in front of his bed and said
", are you all right?" Jack startled, shook off his stupor, and nodded to the nurse. She pointed to the bag which was on the floor beside the bed and asked, "Have you still not looked at, what your wife brought?" Jack shook his head. "Shall I help you unpack?" Jack nodded and the nurse proceeded to unpack the bag.
She found, clean clothes, new pajamas, two new jeans, shirts, socks, shoes and items for the washing and shaving. The clothes he had worn in his accident were in a plastic bag at the bottom of his wardrobe. Jack was glad he no longer needed them. They were still bloody and dirty. He gestured to the nurse to take the bag and throw it away. She went, but came back after a minute with a small plastic bag. "Mr. Twist, I think it's time for a hot shower." She put the bag over the cast on his arm and steered the bewildered Jack, along with the washing and shaving kit to the bathroom. Now he could no longer avoid looking in the mirror. From outside he heard the nurse "If you need help, please press the bell!"
Jack had often had a bruised face, but that was long ago, when he was still riding rodeos! The sight of himself now was appalling. Abrasions with scabs, bruising already changing from green to yellow, a seam across the bridge of the nose, and one in his left eyebrow. Not to mention the wire loops in his mouth, a nasty unshaven face and hair that was too long. He was pale and had lost ten pounds. Well, the ten pounds, he didn't want back.
Lureen had not forgotten to pack anything. It was a blessing, after so many days in bed, to feel hot water run over his body, to shave and put on clean clothes. By the time he went to bed again, half an hour later, Jack felt like a new man. The nurse laughed: "You look a lot better! In a day or two you can certainly go to the lobby. There is a hairdresser there." She put his dinner, still a liquid diet on the table and suddenly Jack was ravenous. He couldn't wait until the wires were off his mouth and he could have his first steak!
That night, Jack dreamed of Ennis. He awoke at six o clock with the feeling of lying next to Ennis and was shocked when he realized where he was. Bob was snoring in the next bed. Jack couldn't sleep anymore and looked out of the window to watch the city wake up. He tried to imagine his future. His marriage was history. Randall had left without explanations, and to his son he was dead. That fact Jack hurt the most. And what about Ennis? Was he gone to Lightning Flat, or not? And would he want to stay there?
Before breakfast, the nurse came and took Jack into her office. "Mr. Twist, a phone call for you. Your mother! I already told her that you can't speak today, but she really wants to tell you something. "Jack was holding the phone to his ear and heard the familiar voice of his mom."Jack, darling, are you better? Don't worry. Everything here is running quite well. Get well and then come home." Jack growled a mh mh into the phone. "Honey, I love you! Please let me talk to the nurse again." Jack did not hear what his mother said to the nurse, only her reply: "Today is Friday, Monday he will have the wire loops removed and we will do some laboratory tests as a precaution. I estimated that by Wednesday he could go home. Please call again on Monday night, then your son will even be able to talk to you himself. Yes, please, you're welcome. Goodbye."
On Monday morning, the lab tech came with her tray and took blood samples from Jack and Bob as well, several tubes of blood for tests. Neither said a word during the procedure. A little later, the oral surgeon removed Jacks wire loops. He was pleased with the healing process. Jack was as well. Afterwards, he celebrated an orgy with his toothbrush and the subsequent dinner was one of the best meals of his life. In the afternoon he walked through the huge Hospital, looking for the hairdresser the nurse had mentioned. Jack was a little vain and he knew that he didn't exactly look so great right now. He was motivated if was going to start a new life then he was going to do it looking as good as possible!
He finally found the barber. He was the only customer and the hairdresser was delighted and took time to talk. Jack hadn't been able to talk to anyone for weeks and enjoyed it enormously. He wanted his hair cut short, as short as he had had it twenty years ago. Although his hair was not as black as it was twenty years ago he was still not quite gray. The barber said: "If you want, I can dye it black again. You will look ten years younger." Jack enjoyed the idea and said: "You know what, do it, I would like to be ten years younger, maybe I would have done some things differently."
The hairdresser prepared the dye and said philosophically. "Unfortunately you can't turn back time, but you shouldn't have to see the years on your hair." When Jack left the barber an hour later, he was pleased with himself. When he came to the nurses' office, he heard a shriek of delight: "Ohla, you are fashionable today Mr. Twist!" He gave her a bright smile. "Thank you, madam!"
His roommate Bob was much better after his surgery and now the two men were finally able to talk a little. Bob of course, wanted to know what had happened to Jack. Jack stuck to the story about a traffic accident. "Oh, I was worried you have had a fight with a rodeo bull, but perhaps you are a bit too old for rodeo." Afterwards Jack thought it would be not a bad story if anyone asked about the scars. He could you just blame a rodeo bull!
LIGHTNING FLAT / WYOMING
Ennis stood next to Mrs. Twist in the phone booth, at the post-office, in Lightning Flat. She had called the hospital in Dallas and was really excited. "Ennis, he's better! Monday I will call again and perhaps he'll be released on Wednesday. But he can't drive all that way! From Dallas! Ennis you have to pick him up! Please Ennis, you have to!" Ennis left the phone booth and pulled Mrs. Twist gently outside. He took her by the arm and said quietly: "Mom, calm down. He's doing better. Everything will be fine. It will turn out all right." He could understand her concern, but he was relieved, too, to hear that Jack could be discharged in a few days.
They drove home. Yes, that's what it felt like for Ennis. Home. Already, after only two weeks with Jack's mother. How would it be when he was finally together with Jack? He longed for Jack but he also had all his old doubts and fears of what people would think of them.
Ennis had to do some work, before lunch and Mrs. Twist disappeared right into the kitchen when they arrived at the Twist Ranch. Ennis was able to do some thinking about the future, while he worked. Although he knew, in his heart, exactly, what he wanted: Build a small cottage with a veranda for Jack's mom, renovate the main house for them both, buy good dairy cows, horses breed ... ... "Fuck! Del Mar, you're dreaming bullshit!" He said to himself.
When went back to the house for dinner Mrs. Twist had already calmed down considerably. They tried to find a way to bring home her lost son.
"Ennis, you're making a funny face. Is something wrong? Are you not happy to see Jack?" Ennis' face was red. "Yes, yes, very much, it's just ..." "What is it?" He hemmed and hawed a bit. "Well, I don't know whether I can stay here."
Mom looked at him angry "Why not? Because of what people could think about us! Ennis, people always see exactly what they want to see. They see a good father and husband. That when he gets home, he beats wife and children they don't see! And in you, they see the helpful friend of the family. It will be very fast and totally normal that you belong to our family. And what goes on at home, nobody's business! Can you live with that?" Ennis nodded silently. The old woman smiled at the stubborn cowboy at her table.
Just then, there was a knock at the door. A neighbor was standing outside. Mrs. Twist invited him to come in and he came straight to the point. "Well, my wife heard that Jack is in the hospital in Dallas. She wonders how he will get home on his own. So, I thought if Ennis goes to get him, my son and I would help as long as you need it." Mrs. Twist took the offer very gladly. She thanked him warmly, and did not mention that Jack certainly would need help himself and she would be glad indeed to have Ennis. "Yes, it is always good, to have a friend" the neighbor answered. Ennis also thanked him and politely said goodbye.
On Friday morning Jack's Mom was rattling a little louder than usual in the kitchen. She was humming to herself. When Ennis came down for breakfast, he saw that she had dressed very nicely.
"Good morning. Going out today, because you're all prettied up?" She smiled, put the pan with the eggs on the table, pouring fresh coffee into both cups and sat down with Ennis at the table. "We both have to do something important today." "Ah yes what's that?" Ennis asked between bites. "We have to drive into town and book a Greyhound ticket to Dallas and we have to buy something important. For this we need to clean the bed of the truck."
Ennis looked up from his plate. "The ticket, I understand, but why do we need to clean out the truck?" Mrs. Twist was delighted at her own idea and wanted to tease Ennis a bit, therefore she only said "You'll see. Tonight you have one more important task." Ennis said no more and finished his breakfast with his customary cigarette.
In Lightning Flat there was no Greyhound station so they had to go into the next major city. It was good timing to buy a ticket to Dallas today, because the bus was nearly fully booked. Ennis wanted to get going on Monday in the morning so that he would be in Dallas on Wednesday. When that was done, Ennis looked inquiringly at Jack's mom. She said: "OK, now I can let the cat out of the bag. We need to drive to the industrial area. There is a large furniture store there."
Ennis was rather slow-witted. He still did not know what she really wanted, but he went bravely to the huge furniture store. "What do you like here?" "It doesn't matter what I like, it matters what you like!" Ennis finally understood. He blushed and could not look at her. This woman was impossible! He was with Jack's mother, in a furniture shop, to buy a bed or two for Jack and himself! "Ennis don't make such a face. Where will you sleep when you get home? The bed in Jack's room is too little for one of you let alone two" she whispered softly to him. This was true. So they sought out two identical beds. Ennis didn't want to buy a double bed. He could put them together with screws if needed. Then they got mattresses, blankets, pillows, and Mrs. Twist also wanted new bedding. Ennis was all kind of embarrassed. But when he thought of the coming nights with Jack ... ...He felt his heart beating faster.
The girl at the checkout said to Jack's Mom "Your daughter in law will be very happy." After they had packed all their purchases into the truck and were on the way home, Mrs. Twist asked "Ennis, did you notice?"
"What?" "People will always only see what they want, like the girl at the cash. You know what I mean?" Ennis mumbled "Hm"
The rest of the way home, he thought about the fact that he now had a bed where he would be able to sleep with Jack. Sleep and everything else you could do in bed. Just the thought excited him so much that, he could hardly stand to wait several more days to see Jack again. In the evening, after dinner, Ennis removed Jack's old bed and built the two new beds. Jacks mom helped him a bit and now he wasn't as embarrassed. They celebrated their work and the surprise this bedroom would be for Jack. That first night the new bed felt far too big for Ennis, but he still slept with a great anticipation.
The weekend was busy. Ennis had to be early at the Greyhound station early Monday morning and he didn't want to leave too much work for his neighbors. Jack's mother packed a travel bag for him and had done a lot of laundry. They were both as excited as kids on Christmas morning!
Early on Monday morning, Ennis boarded the Greyhound bus to Dallas and started his long journey to Texas. He had the admonitions of Mrs. Twist still in his ear, to make sure to take enough breaks on the way back home. But this was for his benefit as well. He would be happy to be alone with Jack for a few days. Would Jack like to see him again? Ennis thought about their last goodbye and the fight during their last meeting and he hoped he wouldn't make any more mistakes.
In the evening Mrs. Twist called Jack at the hospital. He was able to calm her down and said he was looking forward to going home on Wednesday. He did not ask her about Ennis. The nurses were standing next to him and he did not want to share a private conversation. His mother also said nothing of Ennis. She thought that his arrival should be a nice surprise for her son.
Dallas, Texas
Tuesday.
In the morning the doctor came to into Jack's hospital room. He was in good spirits and announced that all the laboratory tests were in order and that Jack would be released on Wednesday. A little less cheerfully he said to Jack, "I would like to talk to you this afternoon." Jack nodded.
The day passed slowly. Jack packed his things. It was not easy with one arm in a cast and he wondered whether he could drive the car. In the afternoon he had just tried on his new jeans when the nurse called him into the doctor's office. He was sitting fully dressed, at the doctor's desk and felt quite healthy already. On the table was a badge: Dr. Peter Macintosh. Jack did not know yet whom he owed his thanks for life-saving operations.
"Hello, Mr. Twist, or may I call you Jack?" "Hello, Doc." "Please call me Mac, like everyone does." They shook hands and Jack was excited to see what the doctor would have to say. "Jack, I am very satisfied with your progress. You are a strong man and have come through everything better than I had expected. I would just like to know, if you can remember the incident? "
He avoided the word accident. Jack looked straight at his face and asked if that was important. "You know, I've seen hundreds of injured patients and your injuries did not match the information that we received about the accident." Mac looked at Jack openly.
"May I show you something?" Jack nodded and looked in bewilderment at the photographs of twenty men. They had battered faces and bodies like he had. He swallowed worried about which direction this conversation would go now.
"What do these men have to do with me?" He asked Mac.
"Nothing because you're still alive and they are all on statistics on violent crimes, against homosexuals and are all gone. I thought that we left these things behind us and our country had become more tolerant. These pictures are at least ten years old. And then you arrive on my operating table and it takes all my skills and a whole night to save your life. I think it was an 'accident' with three or four criminals! I just want to know if I'm right that the violence against us doesn't stop?"
Jack winced. Mac had said 'us'. So he was gay too. Jack fought with himself for a moment. Then he thought "He saved my life. I should tell him my story." In a way we are brothers brothers." Jack grinned and said:"It is not a quick story. Do you have some time?"
"As much as you need, I'm done work and at no one's waiting for me at home."
Jack told his life story in few words, only the events that had taken him to Macs operating table were told in detail. Mac was a good listener. After half an hour he said "Jack, I'm rude. Would you like something to drink?"
" Sure, as long as it's not tea." Mac grinned and took two bottles of beer from a small refrigerator. They drank from the bottle and Mac sat down next to Jack to listen to him further. Jack felt was able to speak openly and when he had finished his story, with the fainting after the blow to the nose, Mac told him what had happened while he slept. The story was shocking and Jack realized that, what had happened to him was exactly what Ennis had been frightened of for the last twenty years. He had just been lucky.
"Jack, is everything OK? You're very quiet. Is the beer getting to you, or the shocks of what I said?" Mac put his arm around Jack, sounding worried.
"No, it's all good. Although I do already feel the beer and it's scary what you told me but I just thinking about a friend. Actually he's more than that, and he's lived his whole life afraid of something because of what he saw as a child. A dead rancher, the ... " Jack swallowed and couldn't go on. The injuries he had were not only physical. He suddenly had tears in his eyes and could not hold back. Mac was quiet. He knew exactly what was going on in Jack's head.
Mac held him and Jack cried a few minutes on Macs shoulder. When he could speak he said softly, "Sorry I didn't mean to lose it that way." He broke away from the other man's arms. After a few minutes silence, Mac took out two more bottles of beer and said "Jack, I thank you for your confidence. I want to tell you something. Or are you too tired?"
"No. no, I'll listen to you. "Mac turned on the small lamp on his desk and turned it away from them. He sat down next to Jack, and began to talk softly "I was about nineteen years old and in high school, when I couldn't deny any longer that I loved men. Not, that I hadn't dated any women. On the contrary, the women liked me but I was always just friends with them but at some point they expected to be kissed, which I never did. In short, I had to tell someone about me.
"Jack leaned closer to him. "What did you say?" "Well that I can only be friends and that only men turn me on." "And then?" "Hysterical screaming, and a whole range of criticism."
Jack knew what Mac meant. Lureen had reacted similarly. Mac went on softly, and Jack could feel how hard it had been for him over the ensuing talk. He looked into Mac's face and saw similar doubts and fears as Ennis and himself. It was difficult to see it plainly like that.
"OK, she was angry and hurt. But what she did to me was beyond all my nightmares." Mac swallowed and Jack could see that they were cruel memories. After a large swig from the beer bottle Mac went on. "She made it public. Not just to her friends, but in the school newspapers and on the bulletin board! That year I learned what it means to be hated, and how much, or little, a friendship is worth. I was insulted, spat upon, beaten, my car was scratched, my parents attacked and one day I was at the point where I contemplated, jumping off a bridge."
Jack swallowed and asked quietly "-And then?-" "I changed Schools? I tried to keep away from conflict.
Then I met Chris. He was my first love, it was very intense ..." At this point, Mac released some tears, but only briefly and then said firmly." He was killed in an attack like I showed you in the pictures. Because no one there helped him! That was the reason I went to medical school. I hoped never to see such trauma again, so I was shocked by your story." Quietly he added "I didn't know if you were gay but I felt your blood flowing as I removed the catheter."
Jack looked down embarrassed. So much frankness startled him. "Hey, I'm a doctor, I'm surprised by anything physical. Sorry. I did not mean to get too close to borders."
"It's all right. Anyway it's true." Jack felt the two beers all of a sudden and longed for his bed. In the morning he was allowed to go home. This conversation had hit him hard, even though it was good to know that he was not alone with his problems. He looked into Mac's eyes deeply and saw sadness and loneliness.
Jack whispered, "Thank you, thank you for everything. I won't forget you."
Mac looked at Jack's blue eyes and stole a tiny kiss. Then he got up, turned his back to Jack and said "I don't think we'll see each other again. I wish you all the best."
Jack stood up, touched Macs shoulder gently and left the room. Meanwhile it was late at night and Jack went straight to bed without delay.
Tbc. soon!