STROKE OF GENE-IUS
Gene and Alex were sitting by the lake. They didn't exactly know what to talk about.
"Well, it is a nice day," said Alex.
"Yes," said Gene.
"I'm bored," said Alex.
"I'm bored too," said Gene. "How about a drive in the Quattro?"
"Go on then," said Alex. "Fire it up."
So they both got in the Quattro. They strapped up, Gene revved the engine and they blasted round the country roads of Lancashire, reaching almost 100 mph and nearly running over a sheep as they flew past a local farm. The drive lasted about 5 minutes. They returned to where they started. Alex got out the car, her hair no more messed up than it was before, and went and resumed her position by the lake. Gene followed her.
"That was good," said Alex. "You sure know how to handle a car."
"She's like a tiger, Bolly," said Gene. "A ferocious beast waiting to unleash some rage."
There was a pause of about 15 seconds. Not a nice one either. They seemed bored.
"I'm bored again," said Alex.
"As am I," said Gene.
"What do you want to talk about?" said Alex.
"Luigi," said Gene. "I can't believe he's left."
"Nor can I," said Alex. "His spaghetti bolognaise was a culinary masterpiece."
"I'll miss him," said Gene.
Another pause.
"Do you like cheese?" asked Gene.
"That's a bit irrelevant, isn't it?" replied Alex.
"Well, it just so happens that I know where we can find some good cheese round here," said Gene.
"I really couldn't care less about cheese," said Alex.
"Oh," said Gene, with a slight air of disappointment.
Another pause. This one was longer and gave off the slightest tone of resentment.
"Do you want to play I-Spy?" asked Gene.
"No I don't," said Alex, slightly aggressively. "I'm not six anymore."
"Forget it, then," said Gene. "But I'm very bored."
"How about we take the Quattro out again?" requested Alex.
"That can be done," said Gene.
So they walked back to the Quattro, but strangely, the engine started before either Alex or Gene got back in. Surprised at this occurrence, Gene went to check the driver's seat, suddenly remembering he had left the keys in the ignition. He was most surprised to see a sheep sitting in the driver's seat, who had started the engine, got the car in gear and was now ready to take off.
"What the…" spluttered Gene.
VROOM! The sheep took off in the Quattro, running over Gene's foot as it did so.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" screamed Gene having had his toes crushed by one ton of moving machine.
Alex stood in shock as it happened. The sheep had got about 100 feet down the road but did not have fingers with which to get a grip on the wheel. The Quattro went flying off the road as the sheep failed to control it correctly and smashed head on into a tree at about 41 mph. The engine caught fire and a ball of flame engulfed the entire Quattro. This increased Gene's anger.
"This can't be!" wailed Gene, having to walk with a limp knowing that his car had been stolen and then destroyed by a sheep.
"I think we should go and sit by the lake again," suggested Alex.
So Alex and Gene resumed their place by the lake. Alex was about to break the silence and comfort Gene's pain by telling him how sorry she was for not kissing him when he was round at her flat the other night, when the burning Quattro finally exploded in the distance, stripping the tree of all its leaves and blowing a door off in Gene and Alex's direction. Thankfully the door was stopped by another tree.
Gene cried. His Quattro was no more. Alex put an arm round him.
"Don't worry, Gene, there are plenty more Quattro's out there," Alex soothingly said. "It's 1983. They'll be running them off like cans of Coke."
"Destroyed… by a sheep!" cried Gene. "Who will believe it?"
"I'll back you up," said Alex. "You know what I'm like with the truth."
"Thanks," said Gene, who regained himself.
He dried his eyes. He sat back up straight. Alex withdrew her arm and they both started staring into the lake again.
"Well, it is a nice day," said Alex.
"Yes," said Gene.
"I'm bored," said Alex.
"I'm bored too," said Gene. "How about a drive in the Quattro?"
"The Quattro was destroyed by a sheep," said Alex.
"Oh yeah," said Gene. "We need to crack down on these sheep before they go round stealing any more Quattro's."
Another silence. The remnants of the Quattro were still aflame in the distance. The sheep now couldn't even be passed off for barbecued lamb. The stench of burning car poisoned the air.
"What can we do now?" asked Alex.