You're walking in the woods.

There's no one around,

And your phone is dead.

Out of the corner of your eye you spot her,

Maxine Caulfield

She's following you

About 30 feet back.

She gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint.

She's gaining on you.

Maxine Caulfield.

You're looking for your car,

But you're all turned around.

She's almost upon you now

And you can see there's blood on his face!

My god, there's blood everywhere!

Running for your life

(From Maxine Caulfield)

She's brandishing a knife.

(It's Maxine Caulfield.)

Lurking in the shadows

Amateur photographer Maxine Caulfield.

Living in the woods,

(Maxine Caulfield.)

Shooting for sport,

(Maxine Caulfield.)

Eating all the bodies

Actual, cannibal Maxine Caulfield.

Now it's dark and you seem to have lost her.

But you're hopelessly lost yourself.

Stranded with a murderer.

You creep silently through the underbrush.

A-ha! In the distance,

A small cottage with a light on.

Hope!

You move stealthily toward it,

But your leg! Ah! It's caught in a bear trap!

Gnawing off your leg,

(Quiet, quiet.)

Limping toward the cottage,

(Quiet, quiet.)

Now you're on the doorstep,

Sitting inside, Maxine Caulfield.

Polishing a lens.

(Maxine Caulfield)

But she doesn't hear you enter,

(Maxine Caulfield.)

You're sneaking up behind her.

Strangling photographer Maxine Caulfield.

Fighting for your life with Maxine Caulfield,

Wrestling a knife from Maxine Caulfield.

Stab it in her kidney.

Safe at last from Maxine Caulfield.

You limp into the dark woods,

Blood oozing from your stump leg.

But you have won.

You have beaten Maxine Caulfield.

Wait! He isn't dead! Maximum Surprise!

There's a gun to your head, and death in her eyes.

But you can do Jiu Jitsu

Body Slam picture taker Maximus Caulfield

Legendary fight with Maxine Caulfield

Normal Tuesday night for Maxine Caulfield

You try to swing an axe at Maxine Caulfield

But blood is draining fast from your stump leg

She's dodging every swipe, she parries to the left

You counter to the right, you catch her in the neck

You're chopping off her head now

You have just decapitated Maxine Caulfield!

Her head topples to the floor, expressionless

You fall to your knees and catch your breath

You're finally safe from Maxine Caulfield.