They say timeless, like Mona Lisa, and it isn't that I don't agree – I just wish I had thought of saying it first, that's all.
I want to be the first one and the last one to tell you how beautiful you are, so that my face is etched into your memory.
And when you get older, when age pulls you from the sea and to the shore, you'll remember this girl who loved you enough to really see your face.
But everyone is saying it and you are blushing with earned embarrassment and I don't think I am worth the spit on your shoes.
*
Ashley dreams in shocking color, visions tumbling out of her head like marbles onto pavement.
Her nights are like a game – whether she is awake or not.
And it doesn't surprise her to find that every nighttime ghost carries Spencer's smile.
*
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.
I want to be the first to say it and the last to mean it – holding your hands and staring into your blue eyes and forgetting the whole rest of the world.
And when you fall apart, when everyone tries to take a piece of you, you can hear these words and let them shield you… let these words be your knight in shining armor when my body fails.
But everyone wants to protect you and it is from me that they guard you and I don't know how to scale these castle walls of prejudice, of society, of every single one of your admirers.
*
Ashley stares without remorse, catching the subtle things that every boy and girl misses, the way that Spencer frowns with a line across her forehead – math and mean people – and the way that Spencer laughs with her whole body – friends and brothers and stupid mistakes.
And it doesn't surprise Ashley to find that every moment is spent watching Spencer's life.
*
This is no play, no ancient tragedy… played out on stage, with tears and with suicide… but losing you is like a knife to my heart and seeing you weep is ripping me up.
Oh, I'd run to you and slide my knees against glass if it meant you'd forgive me.
I'd go through any trial – beasts of burden, walking the earth – just to see sunlight on your face again.
But everyone knows I am the one to break you and you won't take me back this time and I don't know what I will do… dear God, Spencer, I don't know what to do if you are not mine…
*
Ashley sits in her car, quarter to three and the sky still black, looking at a flight-plan to Cabo and knowing that… no matter where she roams… not a beach, nor a city, will be good again.
Not without Spencer there.
END