Disclaimer- If you think their mine, (The characters or song) then this is what I want to you to do, Go get on a plane and tell them you don't know how to fasten you seatbelt, and Tommy will come over and hit you in the head with a hammer because you are a retard. (And if you don't get this go watch Tommy Boy)
Author Notes- Okay, after a while I've finally returned with the next installment. I just want to thank everyone who still takes the time to review, you guys rock!
if only I could get into that corner of your head
where things finally match and meet the standards that you set
oh how I wish I was the treasure that you were looking' for
bet I would feel better if only I could find the door
***********************************************
Jamie was lost in the jungle of his mind. Sure Hank had made a good point or two, but had he even listened to him? Knowing Hank, probably not. He'd worked really hard trying to get them to listen to him, and he wasn't sure if they really did, in fact, he was pretty sure they didn't. He was frustrated and it couldn't be helping the situation any. Hank seemed to accept everyone else, but he put these impossible to meet standards on him. From the get go, Jamie was the outsider, he wasn't on the squad by choice. He thought Hank had accepted him though, and he now knew he was wrong.
************************************************
I am crying
you aren't trying
I am melting away
***********************************************
Hank pushed open the door, without so much as a warning knock and Jamie looked up from the sketch pad. His face was blank, and Hank could read no ill will in his face, his eyes however, told another story.
"Look Jamie, I think we should talk." Jamie didn't reply, but he didn't demand he leave either, so Hank took that as his cue to keep talking. "I understand that your upset. I don't think your thinking clearly though."
"I'm not thinking clearly?" Jamie repeated, his voice soft and emotionless. "Hank, you really can be very stupid at times, do you know that?"
"I'm stupid because you can't wrap your mind around the fact that I'm only trying to help?!" Jamie blinked calmly at him.
"No. Your stupid because you know your wrong and your trying to convince yourself that your right." His statement was met by silence, and Jamie raised his eyes to met Hanks. "I'm very much aware of the fact that you only seem to try and convince yourself that you did what was right. You should really just stop and think about what I'm saying for a change instead of instantly pushing it into the back of your head. Your just making excuses Hank, and that isn't helping either one of us."
"I'm not making excuses!" Hank protested.
"Oh no?" The fact that Jamie's voice never changed from its emotionless flat state was starting to annoy him.
"No." Hank confirmed. "I know this is hard Jamie, I can't even fathom what it must be like to lose a parent, but your going to have to learn to live with it."
"I have." Jamie replied. "I'm now struggling to try and live with the fact that someone who I thought of as a friend betrayed me." The eerie calm in his voice set off all sorts of alarms in Hank's head.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"In very simple terms, it means, you can try and convince yourself, and you might even be able to do it, that you did the right thing. And you can keep on believing that, but we both know deep down you'll know the truth."
"And that would be?" Jamie's voice changed then, it took the tone of someone who was speaking to a slow to learn child.
"That all you did was make an excuse on why you bailed on me to begin with." Hank couldn't think of anything to reply with straight away.
***********************************************
I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue
I'm only as good as the last one
well you decide and I abide as my song goes unsung (yeah, yeah, yeah)
*************************************************
Hank's reaction was wrong even while he was in the process of going through it, and he knew it. He lashed back with anger.
"There's a reason your in here Jamie, and it isn't me or Alex, or Peter. Its you. You can try and put the blame everywhere but yourself, but it boils down to you."
"I do put blame on myself. However, I'm not only to blame."
"And how do you figure that?!"
"I not only listened to people when they talked to me, but I heard them too. Do you have any idea what the difference is?"
"No."
"To listen is to not comprehend what someone says, like what you do to me." Hank looked like he was going to protest, but Jamie quickly continued before he could. "To hear is something different. To hear someone is to let their words sink in. To understand their words. To care about what they're saying. I didn't have that when I needed it."
"You had Peter, Alex, and Caitie, you said so yourself!"
" Yes, I had Peter, I had Alex, I had Caitie, but I wanted you, and Tyler, and Val, and I couldn't have it. I couldn't have it, because you didn't feel I was important enough to give it too."
"That's not true." Hank protested.
"You have nothing to back that up with Hank. Only your excuses to make yourself feel better. I'm very much to blame for this situation, but your to blame too. Your to blame for keeping me here, because every time you come here, with your excuses of doing good, to make yourself believe it, that puts me back where I started."
"I'm not leaving." Hank stated crossing his arms. "Not until we work this out."
"But it has been." Jamie replied his cold dead eyes finding his own, and Hank couldn't tear them away. "Your unwilling to listen to anything I have to say, so I'm having a request put in that if Mike or the other orderlies see you on the grounds, to have you escorted off."
"Jamie.."
"No. Because I'm going to get better, but I can't with you lurking around trying to make yourself feel better. I know the plain simple truth and deep down you do too. I'm not going to put up with your excuses anymore."
"Jamie this isn't-"
"Goodbye Hank." With that, Jamie stood up, walked to the door, pulled it open and stood waiting expectantly.
"You can't do this." Hank exclaimed.
"I just did." Without having anything else to protest with, and not particularly wanting Mike to escort him out Hank angrily stormed from the room.
*************************************************
things are going' crazy and I'm not sure who to blame
everything is changing and I do not feel the same
I'm slipping' through the cracks of floors I thought that were strong
I'm trying' to find a place where I can feel like I belong
***************************************************
Jamie slumped down the wall and drew his knees up to his chest. That was so much harder than he thought it was going to be. Yes, he was so angry at Hank that it hurt, but having to break all ties with him hurt him even more. Truth be told, Jamie wanted to work things out with Hank, but that just couldn't be possible with Hank in such a disillusioned state. He brought his arms up and covered his head as he felt tears prick behind his eyes faster than he could stop them. By sheer will power he managed to push the tears back and stood with a disgruntled sniff. He pulled his shirt back into place and raked his hand through his hair.
"Never let them see you hurt." He muttered as he yanked open the door and hurried down the hall.
***************************************************
Well, I am crying'
you aren't trying'
I am melting away
***************************************************
Time passed and Val and Tyler pleaded to let Hank speak to him with each visit. On one such day as the two walked into his room, they noticed something new.
"What's that?" Tyler asked.
"Its called a book." Jamie replied without looking up. Tyler snorted and Jamie wrenched his eyes up away from the book.
"What is it?" Val asked. "The story I mean."
"Its Hamlet."
"By Shakespeare?" Tyler asked surprised.
"Is there another?" Jamie shot back.
"Its good to see you becoming you again." Val said with a smile.
"Why are you reading Hamlet?" Tyler asked. "It wasn't assigned in any of the English classes at school." Jamie rolled his eyes.
"I enjoy this story."
"I never knew you liked Shakespeare." Val blinked at him.
"Jamie, do you think you might reconsider talking to Hank, even if its just by phone?" Tyler broke in, redirecting the conversation.
"I'll have no contact with Hank." Jamie repeated what he'd said what seemed like thousands of times before.
"Do you really think this is helping?" Val asked.
"I know it is."
"Jamie..."
"Look, your the ones who kept saying how much you wanted me to get better, and the only way that can happen is without Hank coming up here and hindering the process."
"Do you really think that's what happens when he comes up here?" Tyler tried to find a hole in Jamie's logic and attack it.
"I know it." Jamie replied. "Don't you know what Shakespeare says?"
"I guess not...."
"To thine own self be true."
***************************************************
I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue
I'm only as good as the last one
well you decide and I abide as my song goes unsung (yeah, yeah, yeah)
****************************************************
"Are you excited to be home for the weekend?"
"I'd rather be coming home to stay, but if its just for a weekend, that's better than staying here." Jamie replied as he climbed into the car.
"That's the attitude to have." Peter praised. Jamie settled back in the seat and the scenery whiz by. Peter glanced at him and could help the small smile that graced his face. Jamie seemed to be taking a fascination with the smallest of details. Of course thinking about it, peter admitted he probably would to if he spent a majority of his day staring at the same things. He knew that Jamie was in the safest place right now, but it didn't keep it from hurting him any less. When he had said it was probably harder for him than Jamie, he'd meant it. However now he was just glad to see his little brother in better spirits, and he wouldn't say or do anything to change it.
****************************************************
If I could be the lesson that you learn, you learn if only
I could be the last one that love burns, it burns... yeah
if only I could get into that corner of your head
where things finally match and meet the standards that you set
oh how I wish I was the treasure that you were looking' for
bet I would feel better if only I could find the door
****************************************************
Sitting in the park, Jamie had almost forgotten how good it felt to be outside and not have someone's eyes on you. Just as he began to relish that feeling, he felt eyes settle on him. Jerking his head up his eyes scanned around the area until they landed on Hank, who stared openly at him from a few feet away. Jamie dropped his eyes back to his lap and could only hope Hank would leave. Of course, luck was not on Jamie's side and Hank strode over quickly.
"Jamie...."
"I'm only here for the weekend Hank, but weekend passes are the first step. I'm getting better now."
"And you think its because I don't visit."
"I would hardly call what you did a visit." Jamie snorted in reply. "A visit is when you care enough about someone to want to help them feel better, even if its only by standing there and talking. What you did was not a visit."
"I went there to talk to you to make you feel better!" Hank protested.
"No you didn't. You went there to convince yourself that's where I belonged."
"That's not true."
"I wish I could believe that the way you think you do. I can't. I know you know deep down that you don't care if I believe you or not."
"I do care! You don't have anyone to chase me away this time Jamie, I want to talk to you!" Jamie stood up.
"I still don't want to talk to you Hank. I may not have orderlies to help escort you away, but I'm not confined to such limited amount of space now, so as you can figure out, I'm walking away now." Jamie turned quickly and would have started across the park, but Hank's arm lashed out and caught his.
"I really think-"
"That you better remove your hand." Jamie cut in icily.
"Why are you doing this?" Hank asked.
"Why did you put standards on me you knew I'd never be able to meet?" Hank's jaw dropped.
"What?!"
"Oh come on Hank. You put standards on me from the minute you met me! There wasn't a chance I could meet them and you knew it! I tried to meet them, you have no idea, I tried, but I couldn't. I can't get better unless you stop trying to make me someone I'm not." With a brutal shake of his arm Hank's hand slipped off and Jamie stalked away.
****************************************************
Well, I am crying'
you aren't trying'
and I am melting away
***************************************************
Jamie stalked off towards home. There was no way he was going to let Hank get to him and cause him to move backwards. He was getting better now, Hank hurt him, not helped him. As much as Jamie wanted to just pretend that nothing ever happened, what would be like Hank trying to pretend he did the right thing. It wouldn't help anything, and nothing would get solved. So for the time being he would simply bide his time until he was deemed well enough to be accepted into society. Until then, he'd have to keep up his embargo against Hank. No matter how much it hurt them both.
***************************************************
I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue
I'm only as good as the last one
well you decide and I abide as my song goes unsung (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Author Notes- Okay, after a while I've finally returned with the next installment. I just want to thank everyone who still takes the time to review, you guys rock!
if only I could get into that corner of your head
where things finally match and meet the standards that you set
oh how I wish I was the treasure that you were looking' for
bet I would feel better if only I could find the door
***********************************************
Jamie was lost in the jungle of his mind. Sure Hank had made a good point or two, but had he even listened to him? Knowing Hank, probably not. He'd worked really hard trying to get them to listen to him, and he wasn't sure if they really did, in fact, he was pretty sure they didn't. He was frustrated and it couldn't be helping the situation any. Hank seemed to accept everyone else, but he put these impossible to meet standards on him. From the get go, Jamie was the outsider, he wasn't on the squad by choice. He thought Hank had accepted him though, and he now knew he was wrong.
************************************************
I am crying
you aren't trying
I am melting away
***********************************************
Hank pushed open the door, without so much as a warning knock and Jamie looked up from the sketch pad. His face was blank, and Hank could read no ill will in his face, his eyes however, told another story.
"Look Jamie, I think we should talk." Jamie didn't reply, but he didn't demand he leave either, so Hank took that as his cue to keep talking. "I understand that your upset. I don't think your thinking clearly though."
"I'm not thinking clearly?" Jamie repeated, his voice soft and emotionless. "Hank, you really can be very stupid at times, do you know that?"
"I'm stupid because you can't wrap your mind around the fact that I'm only trying to help?!" Jamie blinked calmly at him.
"No. Your stupid because you know your wrong and your trying to convince yourself that your right." His statement was met by silence, and Jamie raised his eyes to met Hanks. "I'm very much aware of the fact that you only seem to try and convince yourself that you did what was right. You should really just stop and think about what I'm saying for a change instead of instantly pushing it into the back of your head. Your just making excuses Hank, and that isn't helping either one of us."
"I'm not making excuses!" Hank protested.
"Oh no?" The fact that Jamie's voice never changed from its emotionless flat state was starting to annoy him.
"No." Hank confirmed. "I know this is hard Jamie, I can't even fathom what it must be like to lose a parent, but your going to have to learn to live with it."
"I have." Jamie replied. "I'm now struggling to try and live with the fact that someone who I thought of as a friend betrayed me." The eerie calm in his voice set off all sorts of alarms in Hank's head.
"What's that suppose to mean?"
"In very simple terms, it means, you can try and convince yourself, and you might even be able to do it, that you did the right thing. And you can keep on believing that, but we both know deep down you'll know the truth."
"And that would be?" Jamie's voice changed then, it took the tone of someone who was speaking to a slow to learn child.
"That all you did was make an excuse on why you bailed on me to begin with." Hank couldn't think of anything to reply with straight away.
***********************************************
I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue
I'm only as good as the last one
well you decide and I abide as my song goes unsung (yeah, yeah, yeah)
*************************************************
Hank's reaction was wrong even while he was in the process of going through it, and he knew it. He lashed back with anger.
"There's a reason your in here Jamie, and it isn't me or Alex, or Peter. Its you. You can try and put the blame everywhere but yourself, but it boils down to you."
"I do put blame on myself. However, I'm not only to blame."
"And how do you figure that?!"
"I not only listened to people when they talked to me, but I heard them too. Do you have any idea what the difference is?"
"No."
"To listen is to not comprehend what someone says, like what you do to me." Hank looked like he was going to protest, but Jamie quickly continued before he could. "To hear is something different. To hear someone is to let their words sink in. To understand their words. To care about what they're saying. I didn't have that when I needed it."
"You had Peter, Alex, and Caitie, you said so yourself!"
" Yes, I had Peter, I had Alex, I had Caitie, but I wanted you, and Tyler, and Val, and I couldn't have it. I couldn't have it, because you didn't feel I was important enough to give it too."
"That's not true." Hank protested.
"You have nothing to back that up with Hank. Only your excuses to make yourself feel better. I'm very much to blame for this situation, but your to blame too. Your to blame for keeping me here, because every time you come here, with your excuses of doing good, to make yourself believe it, that puts me back where I started."
"I'm not leaving." Hank stated crossing his arms. "Not until we work this out."
"But it has been." Jamie replied his cold dead eyes finding his own, and Hank couldn't tear them away. "Your unwilling to listen to anything I have to say, so I'm having a request put in that if Mike or the other orderlies see you on the grounds, to have you escorted off."
"Jamie.."
"No. Because I'm going to get better, but I can't with you lurking around trying to make yourself feel better. I know the plain simple truth and deep down you do too. I'm not going to put up with your excuses anymore."
"Jamie this isn't-"
"Goodbye Hank." With that, Jamie stood up, walked to the door, pulled it open and stood waiting expectantly.
"You can't do this." Hank exclaimed.
"I just did." Without having anything else to protest with, and not particularly wanting Mike to escort him out Hank angrily stormed from the room.
*************************************************
things are going' crazy and I'm not sure who to blame
everything is changing and I do not feel the same
I'm slipping' through the cracks of floors I thought that were strong
I'm trying' to find a place where I can feel like I belong
***************************************************
Jamie slumped down the wall and drew his knees up to his chest. That was so much harder than he thought it was going to be. Yes, he was so angry at Hank that it hurt, but having to break all ties with him hurt him even more. Truth be told, Jamie wanted to work things out with Hank, but that just couldn't be possible with Hank in such a disillusioned state. He brought his arms up and covered his head as he felt tears prick behind his eyes faster than he could stop them. By sheer will power he managed to push the tears back and stood with a disgruntled sniff. He pulled his shirt back into place and raked his hand through his hair.
"Never let them see you hurt." He muttered as he yanked open the door and hurried down the hall.
***************************************************
Well, I am crying'
you aren't trying'
I am melting away
***************************************************
Time passed and Val and Tyler pleaded to let Hank speak to him with each visit. On one such day as the two walked into his room, they noticed something new.
"What's that?" Tyler asked.
"Its called a book." Jamie replied without looking up. Tyler snorted and Jamie wrenched his eyes up away from the book.
"What is it?" Val asked. "The story I mean."
"Its Hamlet."
"By Shakespeare?" Tyler asked surprised.
"Is there another?" Jamie shot back.
"Its good to see you becoming you again." Val said with a smile.
"Why are you reading Hamlet?" Tyler asked. "It wasn't assigned in any of the English classes at school." Jamie rolled his eyes.
"I enjoy this story."
"I never knew you liked Shakespeare." Val blinked at him.
"Jamie, do you think you might reconsider talking to Hank, even if its just by phone?" Tyler broke in, redirecting the conversation.
"I'll have no contact with Hank." Jamie repeated what he'd said what seemed like thousands of times before.
"Do you really think this is helping?" Val asked.
"I know it is."
"Jamie..."
"Look, your the ones who kept saying how much you wanted me to get better, and the only way that can happen is without Hank coming up here and hindering the process."
"Do you really think that's what happens when he comes up here?" Tyler tried to find a hole in Jamie's logic and attack it.
"I know it." Jamie replied. "Don't you know what Shakespeare says?"
"I guess not...."
"To thine own self be true."
***************************************************
I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue
I'm only as good as the last one
well you decide and I abide as my song goes unsung (yeah, yeah, yeah)
****************************************************
"Are you excited to be home for the weekend?"
"I'd rather be coming home to stay, but if its just for a weekend, that's better than staying here." Jamie replied as he climbed into the car.
"That's the attitude to have." Peter praised. Jamie settled back in the seat and the scenery whiz by. Peter glanced at him and could help the small smile that graced his face. Jamie seemed to be taking a fascination with the smallest of details. Of course thinking about it, peter admitted he probably would to if he spent a majority of his day staring at the same things. He knew that Jamie was in the safest place right now, but it didn't keep it from hurting him any less. When he had said it was probably harder for him than Jamie, he'd meant it. However now he was just glad to see his little brother in better spirits, and he wouldn't say or do anything to change it.
****************************************************
If I could be the lesson that you learn, you learn if only
I could be the last one that love burns, it burns... yeah
if only I could get into that corner of your head
where things finally match and meet the standards that you set
oh how I wish I was the treasure that you were looking' for
bet I would feel better if only I could find the door
****************************************************
Sitting in the park, Jamie had almost forgotten how good it felt to be outside and not have someone's eyes on you. Just as he began to relish that feeling, he felt eyes settle on him. Jerking his head up his eyes scanned around the area until they landed on Hank, who stared openly at him from a few feet away. Jamie dropped his eyes back to his lap and could only hope Hank would leave. Of course, luck was not on Jamie's side and Hank strode over quickly.
"Jamie...."
"I'm only here for the weekend Hank, but weekend passes are the first step. I'm getting better now."
"And you think its because I don't visit."
"I would hardly call what you did a visit." Jamie snorted in reply. "A visit is when you care enough about someone to want to help them feel better, even if its only by standing there and talking. What you did was not a visit."
"I went there to talk to you to make you feel better!" Hank protested.
"No you didn't. You went there to convince yourself that's where I belonged."
"That's not true."
"I wish I could believe that the way you think you do. I can't. I know you know deep down that you don't care if I believe you or not."
"I do care! You don't have anyone to chase me away this time Jamie, I want to talk to you!" Jamie stood up.
"I still don't want to talk to you Hank. I may not have orderlies to help escort you away, but I'm not confined to such limited amount of space now, so as you can figure out, I'm walking away now." Jamie turned quickly and would have started across the park, but Hank's arm lashed out and caught his.
"I really think-"
"That you better remove your hand." Jamie cut in icily.
"Why are you doing this?" Hank asked.
"Why did you put standards on me you knew I'd never be able to meet?" Hank's jaw dropped.
"What?!"
"Oh come on Hank. You put standards on me from the minute you met me! There wasn't a chance I could meet them and you knew it! I tried to meet them, you have no idea, I tried, but I couldn't. I can't get better unless you stop trying to make me someone I'm not." With a brutal shake of his arm Hank's hand slipped off and Jamie stalked away.
****************************************************
Well, I am crying'
you aren't trying'
and I am melting away
***************************************************
Jamie stalked off towards home. There was no way he was going to let Hank get to him and cause him to move backwards. He was getting better now, Hank hurt him, not helped him. As much as Jamie wanted to just pretend that nothing ever happened, what would be like Hank trying to pretend he did the right thing. It wouldn't help anything, and nothing would get solved. So for the time being he would simply bide his time until he was deemed well enough to be accepted into society. Until then, he'd have to keep up his embargo against Hank. No matter how much it hurt them both.
***************************************************
I wait for the words on the tip of your tongue
I'm only as good as the last one
well you decide and I abide as my song goes unsung (yeah, yeah, yeah)