Sunrise: My Last Hope
By Sanzaki Kojika
Disclaimer: I do NOT in any way, shape, or form, own Star Ocean 4 The Last Hope, as much as I would like to. This is just a short little drabble, during the part when Faize was angsting over everything that happened. But, please enjoy~! (Sorta hints to Faize x Edge) I'm just in a rather annoyed and dark mood…
Maybe a bit spoilerish…? You probably won't understand it unless you've gotten that far though…But, I'll say SPOILER WARNING, just in case.
It hurt. It stung, like nothing I had ever felt before. My heart had twisted inside my chest, and the world around me was in a haze. I could hear the voices, but I couldn't make out the words. I could see everyone around me, but I couldn't make their faces. What is it, this feeling? That's all I could think. My mind was buzzing, looking for something, anything, that could make this pain go away.
I know I've always been a bit naïve. And, I know that isn't something that can change so easily. But I thought, just maybe, I wasn't quite as immature as I found myself to be. I cannot control my own feelings, I can barely control my own thoughts. They continue to flutter around in my head, looking for some inkling of hope to grasp onto. When was it that I became the one that was lost?
I feel like I'm standing on the edge, looking over into the abyss. The only thing that's stopping me from going over is this regret that I cling to. Too weak to do anything, too stupid to understand, and too naïve to put more meaning into everything that's happened. How is it that all of these people around me, sharing the same painful memories, sharing their own burden of all this angst, still continue to shine on. Tell me, when was it that I lost my place amongst them?
First it was sadness, endless sadness. I wanted to cry, but no tears would form. Instead, there was just emptiness. This overbearing feeling of emptiness. I wanted to run away, to escape from the reality that threatened to swallow me. I was surrounded on all sides, and not even the warmth from the sun could ease my pain.
Then came the anger. The terrifying anger. Everything that was done around me hit a nerve. I was in a rage, lashing out at everything. I even hurt those who cared about me. I hurt those who were trying to help me. At that time, even though I yelled and blamed it all on you, it was really me I was chastising. It was really me that I hated. But, I was too naïve to understand just what these feelings meant. All this rage cast my world in red, and my brain refused to think of anything save for my anger.
Yet, still, I wasn't alone. I cast you all aside, you especially, claiming that I was alright. Claiming that there was still things I wanted to do. There was so much regret inside of me, I wanted to let loose and scream out into the endless ocean of the night sky. But, instead, I made yet another mistake. I pushed away and swam out on my own. I let myself be caught up in my emotions and fled away from the one place I could be safe.
I wanted to be stronger, I wanted to be braver. I wanted to protect all of those around me. I didn't want to see anyone else I cared for die. I had seen far too many lives slip before my eyes. And with each death, a little part of me died. I was becoming an empty shell. Just who was it I had become? Just who was it I would be?
In that flash of light, I thought I finally understood. I knew what I had to do. I knew how to protect all of the things I held dear. I went crazy with this knowledge, clinging to it as my last hope. I could do this. Finally, there was something I could do!
With this power granted to me in my insanity, I went berserk. I slipped into the oblivion and lost sight of what it was that I really wanted. I left everything behind to accomplish what I thought was my goal. I was blinded by the power, and with it, I became greedy, in a way that no one should ever be. But the pain, it had finally subsided. It had gone and hidden itself away in my darkened heart.
There were things I wanted to forget, but there were already many things I had forgotten. How could I have been so foolish? I cursed my past self, degraded it to nothing more than a babbling child.
Still it continued to hound me! That voice, that had long ago situated itself in the back of my mind. It pestered me, telling me that what I was doing wasn't right. I tried to ignore it. I tried to make it go away. But, it followed after me, a consistent haunting demon that I could no exorcise. It was a painful memory that I could not escape.
And then, I realized, it was because I couldn't let it go. I didn't want to let it go. Somewhere, through all of that pain, through all of that anguish and suffering, there was still a part of me that remained that pure, innocence, visage of my past self. Why was that, I couldn't help but wonder? Even though, I already knew the answer. I had known the answer since long ago…
All this time, I had stood with my back to the sun. I had continued to gaze forward into the falling night, willing it to swallow me whole. I had never bothered to turn around, never bothered to see that light that had always backed me up. I was always such a fool, and it took me far too long to realize it. Why can't we ever see what's beside us?
As I hung there, feeling that warmth surround me, I finally turned. I finally looked at the truth that had always embraced me. There was that light, so pure and full of love. That light that had always guided me and always been by my side since the day I had found it. That light that I had yearned to be, had yearned to make my own. The light had me, all along.
The bright array of colors seemed to wash everything away. Hues of red and orange, of blue and purple, such a gorgeous parade that danced through my vision. It cascaded across the land, across your face, and cast its glow over everything in its sight. The warmth was here, too, despite the bone-chilling cold. It was in that moment that I realized it all. It was in that moment that I knew everything I wanted was right here all along.
Then the moment drifted away, and reality came rushing back. The memory buried itself deep in my heart, and the pain finally dissipated. At last, at long last, I was free from the burdens I had shackled myself with. I was free and the light was with me. Even as the warmth faded away…
One day, should we meet again, there is only one thing I wish, only one last hope. Please, let me see that light once more. I know now that it wasn't the darkness setting in. No, not at all. It was the darkness fading.
Let me find that sunrise once more…in this endless ocean amongst the stars…
Um, dunno? But, I think I got that out of my system! I feel better now, fufufu~