Read My Mind
Disclaimer: I don't own the Killers' "Read My Mind" or Tite Kubo's Bleach.
She can remember the day she first saw him, the day she graduated. She had been accepted into the eighth, youngest in her class. She'd met some of the higher seated officers, second and fifth, and had taken a liking to them instantly. They were smart, swift, exactly the kind of people (good warriors) she wanted to be like someday.
He smiled at her, asked her name, patted her on the head, and then drifted away on the breeze like a maple seed, spiraling somehow. She convinced herself that she'd made this part up later, but even now she is not so sure. He seemed intelligent, kind, strong, but there was something else there. There were a lot of something elses, as she'd find out later, rising in age and rising through the ranks of the eighth division. Kyoraku Shunsui is a very complicated man who enjoys simple things (a sunny day, a soft resting place, a beautiful woman, good alcohol) and has an immensely complex relationship with his own role in the Soul Society. He's a reluctant fighter has seen so much and knows how not glorious war can be, how brutal and unromantic torn sinews and veins and bruises and jagged spikes of bones can be.
He knows this destruction and holds it inside of him.
Nanao cannot remember exactly when she stopped holding him high above her with immense respect—perhaps when she became fourth seat, and she saw up close how lazy he was day-to-day. He was no conscientious objector, just a slacker—somehow she convinced herself this. It was rather easy, actually, because Nanao has always been responsible and she's still so young so she can handle doing some of his paperwork, too, and it kept piling on because the third seat and lieutenant were already doing his share of the other work and going out there representing the division and before Nanao knew it she actually was a lieutenant.
This is the second lieutenant to leave her post since Nanao joined the squad, this one was killed brutally in battle. The third seat is still injured and Kyoraku is nowhere to be found, so it is Nanao's job to confirm the body and take care of the paperwork (always, always there is more paperwork) and somehow Nanao holds it together as the fourth division member in charge of all this stuff (what a terrible job he has, but then again he must be used to it) gives her the paperwork and tells her how to fill it out, because at least it's closure. She never saw Lisa's body (there never was a body, or a funeral, or anything), after all. But then he gets into the details of how exactly the lieutenant died and she cannot hold back any longer and suddenly, her captain has appeared. He must have gotten out of his alcohol-induced stupor at some point, because she's never seen him this stone-cold sober (was he like this when his suspicions of Lisa's fate were confirmed? Does she even want to know the answer to that question?) and he tells her gently that she has done more than enough and he will handle the rest.
She is all too grateful as she takes her leave, and once she is in the corridor she cannot hold back her tears of rage and sorrow and hurt. She knows it is not solemn or dignified (the two adjectives others use most to describe her), especially not for a fourth seat and the highest-ranked active soldier in her squad other than the captain, but she really can't help herself. At least she's not loud. She hides in a corner of the hallway, eyes and nose bright red, with tears and snot dripping all over her face and her uniform. It isn't until half an hour later maybe that her eyes clear up a bit and she realizes she's still clutching the papers in her left hand. She doesn't know if Kyoraku got another copy, and even though he told her he'd handle everything she gets started, standing in the hall with puffy eyes and a red face. There's nothing she can do about her appearance, and though she's heard a good warrior never cries she's also heard a good warrior always keeps his or her head up high. So she will be unashamed of her crying. She forgets about the emotion (well, almost) as she fills out the familiar fields. Doing these forms is a routine for her, a calming one. There is always a right and a wrong answer on the form, and it can always be done neatly. In these respects, it is very much different than most of the other aspects of being a shinigami. Fighting (in all its forms) is unique and personal; this is generic and impersonal.
This is how he finds her. He stands beside her, lets her finish, and then takes her home and orders her to take a day off. This is an order from her captain, so she can't refuse, even though she wants to.
The day of rest does her good, though. She sleeps, cries, goes back to sleep, and the following day she is much calmer. She has, after all, seen death before. Are they not death gods? She's worried about the work piling up and that is indeed a problem but she immerses herself, no problem. She's there at her usual early time, and she's surprised when half an hour later Kyoraku is among those who arrive. Him, punctual?
He's making sure she's alright, and she's quite touched. Honestly, she knew he cared for all of his squad members (as a captain should) but not quite to this extent. He offers her a shoulder to lean on, figuratively and literally (he says that last one with a wink and she wants to roll her eyes but she really can't) and it's clear that by that moment she has fallen in love with Kyoraku Shunsui.
She cannot place her finger on when exactly she fell in love with him. She could say that perhaps it was at first sight (some kind of precocious crush?), but no, she was most definitely not in love with him when she was a fourth seat. So at some point between her appointment as fourth seat and that morning in the office she had fallen for him, but when? She traces over her memories again and again, but cannot arrive at a moment.
"But they say you fall in love twice, once with the person you think your lover is, and once with the person they actually are once you know them, faults and all." Shunsui seems to know exactly what's on her mind.
"Do tell me, Shunsui," Nanao says. "When were these times for you?"
"Every day, I fall in love with you all over again," he replies, capturing her mouth in a kiss.