Summary: A Van Helsing, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter mash-up. Weird, we know, but at least it's entertaining, basically it's all of these characters attending the wizarding school, Hogwarts with a twist on the characters and everything else. WARNING: Contains a lot of slash, disturbing pairings, maximum weirdness, characters with a change of personality, and a weasel or two. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!! Enjoy, ;) If you really want to see what a sour doughboy face looks like -e-mail us In this story, Legolas IS a chick. ;) mkay?

I t just turned 1:00 A.M. at Number Four Privet Drive. Harry Potter's tummy lurched; he had been 15 years old for a whole hour without realizing it! He casually picked at his large nostril, what else was there to do in the small spider infested closet?

The infamous Harry Potter was the biggest celebrity of the wizarding world, and not for starring in a smash hit or producing a platinum album, he was the boy who lived. He had lived through the deadliest and most horrific thing known to man kind-A sour doughboy face made by the dreaded Lord Voldemort. How he survived it? He made an ugly face right back, an even uglier face in fact. So ugly in fact that it indeed drained the Power of Lord Voldemort, the wizard who had killed his parents, and taken everything from him.

Harry was awakened from his pleasant picking six hours later, when his weasel faced aunt poked her head in the door.

"Dude who beefed?" she fanned the air in front of her face; the room did indeed smell like fart. The fart smelled like death.

"Hurry up you skanky rat!!! My husband has generously offered you a ride to your trashy school!!" Aunt Petunia hollered.

Harry responded with a loud tootle and rapped himself in a cocoon of smelly blankets.

It wasn't that he didn't love Hogwarts, he did, he just was sick of being treated like crap. Hogwarts was like a safe haven for him away from his relatives; evil aunt, uncle, and porker of a cousin, Dudley.

Harry sighed and rolled out of bed, if he was going to catch the Hogwarts Express he couldn't afford to be late. He pulled on an old wrinkled Strawberry Shortcake t-shirt out of the clothes hamper-at least it looked clean-right? He neglected brushing his teeth, and pulled a comb through his unruly jet black hair,gobbled down some spam, and grabbing his trunk, he walked over to retrieve his snowy owl, Headwig.

"Rehhh, I hate getting up early," he grumbled placing the hooting owl on his shoulder. Headwig promptly pooed on his shoulder.

"This is gonna be a looongg day," Harry sighed.

"Pssh, it's that crybaby brats again," Anna squinted into the crowd.

"Its smells like BO," Aleera peered over her shoulder looking at Harry-who stunk, not listening to Anna.

Anna turned her piercing squint in Aleera's direction. "Tsss!!"

"Eww is that Harry? I swear he gets uglier every year," Aragorn replied, inviting himself to their conversation.

"GROSS!! It IS Harry. What does that brat think he's doin' anyway?" Anna hollered

Harry was strutting towards the raised platform walking in time to the beat of "Sexy Back" his normally messy hair was pinned neatly to the sides of his head, so you could see the lightening shaped scar embedded on his pimply forehead. He didn't notice the toilet paper clinging to the bottom of his Keds.

"I'm bringin' sexy baaaaaaaaack," he belted along.

"No your not," a short boy replied, "I am"

Harry's jaw dropped revealing a row of uneven chompers. Frodo never failed to insult, and deflate Harry's extremely large ego. Harry was silent. Then his trunk landed on his ingrown toe nail.

"EEEEEOOUCH!" He re-inflated his ego and wiggled his toe. He began to gaze smugly around himself; that is until he realized that everyone was on the train and he was still standing proudly on the platform. As the train started to move Harry ran after it. "Wait for meeeee!"

Hagrid stood towering over the boats by the tepid lake. His beetle-black eyes crinkled into a smile as the children came pouring out of the train. There was "summat" that made him feel fatherly toward them. Maybe it was because they were so small. Especially that really teensy one. "Erm… sre you sure your supposed to be 'ere, little un'?"

Frodo looked up at him. "You're just jealous because you're fat." He looked mildly amused. "Are you sure you're gonna fit in a boat, or are you going to just step over the lake?"

'Hagger' looked down at his large shoes; maybe students weren't so cute after all.

The fifth years loaded the boats (ya I know that there supposed to ride the thestral carriages), and Hagger also boarded about, which slowly began to sink.

Gabriel Van Helsing got stuck on the same boat as Frodo, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, if you liked being insulted, punched, and hollered at, and Van Helsing didn't tolerate being treated like that. He usually solved problems like this by bawling his eyes out, but that probably wouldn't get him anywhere in this case.

Velkan Valerious also boarded their boat; he and Frodo were known throughout school for their bitter rivalry. Van Helsing swallowed; he probably wouldn't make it to the other end of the lake, Frodo and Velkan would sink the boat fighting first.

"Hey fats," Frodo grinned at Velkan, you should sit with Hagrid on his boat, cuz' he needs someone fat to balance out the other end.

Velkan glowered and would have pushed him in if a tidal wave hadn't nearly knocked him off the boat. Hagger's boat had collapsed and his pudgy butt nearly emptied the lake.

Their boat tipped over, the force of the wave was too much for their small boat. Hagger blushed furiously.

Harry keenly noticed the boat tip over. He had a brain blast- If he rescued the unfortunate students, then surely the school would bow at his feet, and the days of being taunted by Frodo would be over.

"Rehhh," Harry grunted as he ripped off his school robes, revealing a tiny tangerine Speedo. "Always come prepared," He said smugly, as he dived butt- I mean head first into the rising waves.

Frodo was hysterical for once in his life. He couldn't swim. But when he saw Harry's smug mug approaching him at the speed of light he flailed the hell out of there, nearly clobbering Gabriel Van Helsing in the head; who pulled the hobbit to the surface of the water, and then to the shore.

A furious Velkan stumbled out next, and was being followed by his brat of a sister,Anna and her friend Aleera, who was bombarding him with questions such as," What are your secrets?"

Finally a crabby looking witch stepped out of the castle," You may be seated at your house tables to watch the sorting take place. And if I have any problems with any of you-she looked directly at Frodo and Legolas- you will be serving detention." The students followed her into the great hall, and the sorting began.

Review!!review!!review!!! Yes it is a bit weird but keep reading, you'll get it. Mwahaha. Please review and tell if you liked it, hated it, didn't know what to think, or think walnuts are a tangy tropical fruit. Thank you.