I was watching Folkstories from Japan the other day, more precisely the Potato Rolling one, and I had this crazy idea...What if that happened in Las Noches? What if that happened with the Espada? How crazy would that party be? Let's see...
Party in Las Noches
Once upon a time, there was a huge fortress. It was called Las Noches and was located in the very center of Hueco Mundo. The owner of the fortress, a former Shinigami Captain of the Gotei 13 named Sōsuke Aizen, had just built a new throne for himself. Somehow, it was big enough for him to fit his massive ego...In order to commemorate such an historical event, Aizen decided to throw a celebration. He invited the most illustrious individuals of Hueco Mundo, the Espada, to a banquet. Each of them was to be given a hearty meal, but all the invited Arrancar felt uneasy about the upcoming event...Well, at least most of them.
"Hurray! Free food!" Yammy loudly cheered as soon as he learned of the invitation.
"Do you see now why I am so worried about this?" Ulquiorra asked desperately, even though his facial expression was pretty much the same as ever. "Aizen-sama won't tolerate our...well, your lack of manners in an event of such importance."
"Go fuck yourself, Ulquiorra! Where in the fucking hell do we lack manners?" Nnoitra demanded to know. Apparently, the cold glares everyone was giving him weren't an enough answer.
"Do you even know what to wear at such a celebration?" Szayel Aporro questioned the 5th Espada, since pointing out Nnoitra's bad language would be the same as nothing. "You don't expect to go like that, do you?"
"What's the problem with my clothes, four-eyes?" Nnoitra yelled, as he expected a 'spoon' joke to come out of the scientist's mouth.
"Yeah, I don't see the problem with our clothes! These are the better ones we have, after all!" Grimmjow reminded everyone. Truth was those white outfits were the only clothes they had received since becoming Arrancar.
"The problem isn't in the clothes. It's the way most of you use them." Szayel clarified. No one failed to notice the way his words were attempting to distance himself from the remaining Espada. "I mean, pretty much every single one of you is showing off your bodies. You can't expect to go to a refined ceremony while showing skin to others!"
"Unless you intend to take the host to bed..." Zommari started complaining with a disgusted tone in his voice, until he felt someone's sword touching his groin.
"Say one more word and I'll cut them off." Harribel warned the 7th Espada, as she quickly understood he was referring to her revealing outfit. Zommari nodded frenetically, until the blond Arrancar retrieved her sword and sheathed it back. "Some of our outfits will reveal skin nonetheless, so what's your suggestion, Szayel Aporro?"
"It's obvious! You just have to..." Szayel snapped his fingers, causing Lumina and Verona to appear and hop around the Espada, while both waved pieces of white cloth. "...wear a fine cape!"
"That's stupid!" A deep voice claimed.
"That's genius!" A high-pitched voice stated at the same time.
"Damn it, stop talking at the same time! Can't you control what's inside of you, you stupid fishtank?" Nnoitra aggressively addressed Aaroniero, who wasn't wearing the elongated white mask he usually wore, therefore revealing the glass cylindrical capsule that earned him his nickname.
"Says someone who can't control his own..." Both small masks inside the capsule answered in unison, but trailed off as they saw Nnoitra pointing in their direction. "What?"
"Which one is Aaro and which one is Niero?" Nnoitra questioned them.
"I'm Aaro." The upper head instinctively answered in its deep voice, while he lifted a finger to point at the mask with the number 9 tattooed around its right eye hole.
"And I'm Nie...FUCK! STOP MAKING FUN OF US ALL THE TIME, DAMN IT!" Niero...eh, Aaroniero's lower head screeched, while Nnoitra rolled on the floor laughing hysterically.
"One thing is for certain. You will all have to have good manners." Ulquiorra reminded them. "No insults..."
"Say that to Nnoitra!" Aaroniero's two voices shouted.
"No swearing..."
"Suck a dick, Ulquiorra!" Nnoitra felt the 4th Espada's eyes on him and immediately reacted by flipping him off.
"No disrespect towards Aizen-sama..."
"Hmph!" Baraggan grunted, before he stood from his throne made of bones and walked out from the room.
"No breaking things..."
"Why in the hell are you looking at me? When was the last time I broke something?" The shocked Grimmjow demanded an answer, before his primal instincts got the better of him. He stood from the chair he was sitting in, picked it up and slammed it against the wall, breaking it into dozens of pieces. "Don't start pissing me off! I'm calm, damn it! I've been going to therapy everyday!"
"Calm down, Grimmjow. Remember the breathing exercises..." Szayel reminded his client, who immediately started to take deep breaths.
"And show enthusiasm." Everyone stopped what they were doing as they stared to Ulquiorra. They couldn't believe such words had come out of his mouth. He, who was the most stoic of the Espada, wanted to show enthusiasm. From there, every Espada could see that the event was doomed to fail...
"Zzzzzzz..." Everyone except Starrk.
"This is going to be a problem..." Ulquiorra realized, as the Espada were Hollows. Advanced Hollows, but Hollows nonetheless. They weren't meant to have good manners nor attend parties. On their own, they would never find a way for the celebration to go well. Unless... "We'll have to ask for help."
"To who?" The remaining 'active' Espada asked in unison.
"Hello! How y'all doin'?" They heard a familiar voice. All Arrancar, except for Starrk, turned their heads towards the door, where they found Aizen's ally and fellow Shinigami, Gin Ichimaru, waving at them. "Here I was thinkin' the party was only meant to start in a few hours... You startin' without lil' ol' me? Mean, mean... Ain'tcha guys mean?"
"I can't believe I'm going to ask help from him..." Ulquiorra did the closest thing to a groan he could do and started to explain the problem they had regarding the upcoming party. Gin listened carefully, nodding from time to time, never opening his eyes nor dropping his wicked grin. "So, can you help us?"
"I see...I can understand why y'all worried. But there ain't no time to teach y'all manners. So..." Suddenly, the temperature in the room came down abruptly. The Arrancar were sure Gin's grin had become way more evil. "Why don't y'all sit next to me and just do whatever I do?"
"I see...If we imitate you, who knows some manners, then there's no way things will go wrong." Szayel concluded. However, no one seemed to fully trust Gin. The former Captain of the 3rd Division made a victory sign with his fingers and let out a never before seen teeth-revealing smile that somehow gave the Arrancar new found confidence.
"Let's do this!" All Arrancar shouted, before they left the room to get themselves ready. Minutes later, Ggio Vega and Nirgge Parduoc entered in the room to pick up the throne their master left behind.
"Hey, Ggio...Should we take him too?" Nirgge asked, while they both stared to the snoring Starrk.
The moment of the celebration came. One by one, all the Espada entered in the throne room, each of them wearing one of Szayel's capes, as Gin had liked his idea. For some reason though, he wasn't wearing one...Aizen was already there, seated on his gigantic throne, wearing the same clothes as always.
"Some host he is..." Nnoitra snarled between his large teeth, until Ulquiorra elbowed him to shut him up. In front of the throne, there was a long table, similar to the one used in the meetings of the Espada with Aizen. The former Captain of the 5th Division jumped of his throne (yes, he has to jump to get of the freakin' thing...) and went to his seat at the end of the table, the seat destined to the leader of the organization.
Gin took the place to Aizen's left and Tōsen, who Gin somehow convinced to wear a cape as well, was seated to his master's right. The Espada took the remaining places, five to each side of the table. To Tōsen's right was Grimmjow and then, in succession, Zommari, Szayel Aporro, Baraggan and Yammy. On the opposite side, Ulquiorra was the first Arrancar next to Gin and was followed by Starrk, Nnoitra, Harribel and, finally, Aaro and Nie...er, Aaroniero.
"It's an honor to have you're here today, my Espada." Aizen started to speak, his eyes going through each individual Espada at a time. That only made them even more nervous and, perhaps, that was his intention. "And you as well, Gin, Kaname..."
"This celebration of your new royal authority symbol is truly a joyous occasion." Tōsen gave his opinion, causing a certain to sniff loudly.
"Asskisser..." Nnoitra whispered, before Harribel struck him in the gut with her right elbow. Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, as she saw that Starrk didn't even attempt to stop the foul-mouthed Espada from opening his mouth.
"Truly a joyous occasion..." Gin repeated and made a slight bow with his head, causing every Arrancar to trade nervous looks with the ones surrounding them.
"Truly a joyous occasion..." They mimicked the silver-haired Shinigami, as they had been told before. All of them, except the proud Baraggan Louisenbairn, who remained still, with his arms crossed over his chest.
"Why didn't you bow?" Szayel asked him in a whisper.
"I'm a king, boy. I bow down to no one." Baraggan answered in a low snarl.
"Man, this bowing thing is dangerous. I feel dizzy. Or is it...sleepy?" Starrk thought, while his eyes started to become heavy. Noticing this, Nnoitra grinned and stomped Starrk's foot as hard as he could. The Primera was about to scream in pain, but held on by biting his lower lip. Tears came to his eyes, not because of the pain, but because he understood he wouldn't be allowed to sleep any time soon.
"Let's not wait any longer." Aizen spoke, before clapping both hands together twice. About a dozen Arrancar waitresses entered in the room, all of them wearing reduced outfits.
"And they dare to speak of my clothes?" Harribel thought with disdain, while she watched one of the waitresses lay a plate in front of her. The rest of the Arrancar didn't think like Harribel though, as many of them were putting on a lot of effort to prevent their...feelings...from coming out.
"Hey, Tōsen! I bet if you had the chance to take a look at these girls, you would never want to be blind again! Hahaha...Ha..." Grimmjow provoked one of the man he most hated, without taking notice of what he was doing or saying until it was too late. There was complete silence in the room. No one could believe what they had just heard. Grimmjow's words were so disturbing that Yammy slammed a palm into his own face, Starrk's eyes were for once completely opened and Nnoitra, of all beings, had an absolutely outraged look on his face.
"Damn! I was going to say that one!" Nnoitra inwardly cursed the 6th Espada.
"Hahaha! Grimmjow, you scoundrel! All of that just to prevent the cat calls! Hahaha!" Gin broke the silence with a joke of his own. Everyone stared at Aizen, expecting a reaction of some sort, until he nodded approvingly. The Espada mimicked Gin and laughed with him.
"Ha...Haha...Ha..." Grimmjow did his best to laugh, but didn't sound too convinced. Either because he didn't like Gin to have made a joke at his expense or because he was still pondering on what to do about Tōsen. Considering the latter was way above in the hierarchy and that could bring him problems with Aizen, Grimmjow decided to apologize. "Hey, um...say, Tōsen...I...I'm kinda ashamed of what I said, so...well, what I want to say is...I'm ssss...I'm sssssss...I'm...so..."
"Don't worry about it, Grimmjow. I'm not one to hold grudges. The only path that matters to me is the path of justice." Tōsen reminded him, causing the feline Arrancar to sigh in relief. "And justice shall be served one day, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez..."
"Now, with no more ladies to raise problems amongst ourselves, please enjoy this small meal I had them prepare for you." Aizen spoke to his Espada once again, as soon as the female Arrancars left the room. There were many dishes in the table and all in great quantity. While the Shinigami had in front of them typical japanese dishes, the Arrancars had much more exotic food to choose from. There was "Sweet Chili Glazed Hollows Wings", "Hollow Pot Pie with Roasted Cactus", "Hollow Meatballs with Salsa" and the all-time favorite "Sand Bean Las Noches Burritos". The Espada were all salivating already, when they remembered that even when eating they needed to have manners. They all stared pleadingly to Gin, who had to restrain a laugh. "Please enjoy yourselves."
"Wait a sec, Aizen-taichō! We still haven't thanked for the food." Gin reminded his superior, who nodded in agreement. The Arrancar felt like crying, as the only thing they wanted was to devour the delicious dishes in front of them. Gin brought his hands together, with everyone else following him. After a moment that seemed like an eternity, he clapped both hands together. "Itadakimasu!"
"Itadakimasu!" Everyone said in unison.
"Anyone else has anything to say?" Aizen questioned the ones in the room. As the Espada thought they were about to be allowed to eat, someone else spoke.
"BANZAI! BANZAI! AIZEN-SAMA! BANZAI!" Zommari loudly showed his appreciation for Aizen, until he felt a large amount of killing intent surrounding him.
"Is that all, Zommari?" Aizen inquired the 7th Espada, who nodded nervously. "Then, go ahead all of you."
The Arrancars stared to Gin and saw him picking up the chopsticks. They did the same. They all saw him pick a small ball of rice with them. They did the same with whatever they were eating. The Shinigami brought the rice to his mouth, with one hand holding the chopsticks and the other below them, to prevent the food from falling to the floor or to his clothes in case he dropped it from the chopsticks. They...did...the same.
"How is the food?" Their host asked them. The same thought crossed everyone's mind. It was...unsatisfying. The food was great, but such a small amount didn't fill their stomach. They stared to Gin once again and saw him picking small amounts of food each time. Very small amounts. They felt like they could devour each dish in one go. And yet they couldn't. If Gin wasn't doing it, then this was likely the 'correct way' of eating.
"It's...good, Aizen-sama." Ulquiorra answered, but not even him was convinced. That was saying something...However, at least they were eating. There were some who weren't so lucky.
"It seems you're having a hard time, Yammy." Aizen stated, as he saw that Yammy had broken his chopsticks. And the spare ones. And the ones one of the waitresses had brought him after. "Please, make yourself comfortable, Yammy. If you're having difficulty in using the chopsticks, you can...well, you can stab the food with them. Perhaps, it will suit you better."
"Ah! Thanks, Aizen-sama!" Yammy thankfully spoke to him. Now, he only had to wait for a new pair.
"Ah! That's good to know!" While he hadn't broke any yet, Nnoitra was finding the same problem with the chopsticks, so he started to stab the food to bring it to his mouth. However, he still didn't find himself comfortable. As soon as Aizen turned his head to speak to Tōsen, he picked a roasted Hollow leg with his hand and swallowed it in one go, without even chewing on it. The other Arrancars took that as a provocation, but Nnoitra simply flipped them off and grabbed the chopsticks again, before Aizen could notice him.
"Why aren't you eating, Aaroniero?" The host questioned the 9th Espada, who remained straight and without moving a muscle.
"I'm a...little indisposed, Aizen-sama. Please, don't worry about me." Aaroniero tried to get the attention away from him, as Glotonería, the deformed brown tentacled appendage that served as his left hand, was slowly eating a large fried Hollow head, under the table.
"And what about you, Harribel?" Aizen asked to the only woman at the table. Harribel had a dilemma on her hands. In order to eat, she had to reveal her mouth. In order to reveal her mouth, she had to open her jacket. In order to open her jacket...she had to open it from the bottom upwards, because that was how the zipper was designed. That would leave her naked in front of a bunch of men who were salivating earlier, all because of a bunch of waitresses who were far inferior in comparison with her.
"I'm on a diet, Aizen-sama." Harribel lied, with her stomach about to growl.
"Well, it's a shame. This boiled potatoes sure are yum..." Gin picked a potato with his chopsticks, but it slipped and fell in front of his plate. Everyone stopped eating and stared from Gin to the potato and back to Gin. The Espada thought that was good manners and all dropped what they had in their chopsticks. Nnoitra's Hollow meatball was stuck right in the middle of the chopstick though, so he started waving it back and forth to release it. "Oh boy, not good..."
Gin noticed what was happening and, to prevent them from doing it again, he picked another potato. However, the unexplainable fate caused the new potato to slip as well and land right in front of Aizen. That wasn't good. The Arrancar thought that was an offering to their master, so they did the same. A bunch of food landed all at the same time in front of the party's host. Nnoitra, sick of waving his chopstick, simply pushed the meatball away with a finger flick. The unexplainable fate acted once again, this time by allowing Nnoitra's meatball to land right in the middle of Aizen's plate. The most powerful Shinigami's eyes widened in shock.
"Ha...Hahahaha!" Gin found himself laughing hard, causing all the Arrancar to laugh as well. They didn't even understand of who they were making fun of. Aizen took a deep breath and threw a cold glare to Gin, who froze completely. The silver-haired Shinigami patted Ulquiorra, who was laughing in a very monotonic and expressionless way. "Now, now..."
"Now, now..." Ulquiorra repeated Gin's motion, applying it to Starrk who stopped laughing. He then did the same to Nnoitra, who did it to Harribel, who did it to Aaro, who did it to Nie...no, she just did it to Aaroniero.
"Now, now..." Tōsen started the sequence at the same time as Gin, but did it on Grimmjow. However, for some 'unexplained' reason, Tōsen's pat was much stronger than Gin's, so Grimmjow slammed his hand into Zommari's back, nearly knocking him forward. The surprised Zommari stared to Grimmjow for a moment, before he did the same to Szayel. As soon as Szayel recovered from the shock, he prepared to do it to Baraggan.
"Don't touch me! I'm the king!" Baraggan warned the scientist, who stopped on his tracks. The 2nd Espada stared to his right and glared to Yammy.
"Huh? Oh, yeah!" Yammy nodded with a goof smile, as he realized what to do. He turned around and slammed his palm into the invisible Espada at his right. Since there was no one there, the momentum made Yammy fall to the ground. Only there, did he realize that PERHAPS he shouldn't have done that. "Hey! Who am I supposed to tap?"
"Do you want to tell me what's going on, Gin?" Aizen asked with a calm tone of voice. Gin explained the deal he made with the Espada and the reasons behind it. The only reaction Aizen had was the slow appearance of a grin on his face. "Please, forget manners on this one night. Enjoy it at your fullest!"
"Hell yeah! About fuckin' time!" Nnoitra roared, before chaos ensued. The 5th Espada quickly got in a fight with Yammy and Grimmjow over a burrito. The burrito slipped of Nnoitra's hands and knocked Szayel's glasses of his face, leaving him on the same level as Tōsen. Aaroniero revealed his Glotoneria and started to devour everything. Baraggan called for his Fracción, so that they could give him his food to his mouth.
"BANZAI! AIZEN-SA..." Zommari started to run laps around the table, until he was knocked down by a lariat of Harribel. Starrk finally gave in to his chronic sleepiness and let his face fall forward, only stopping when it went through the Cactus Pie. There he remained. Ulquiorra just watched the entire scene without moving an inch.
"An Arrancar doesn't really need to train. One cannot set rules on their fighting styles, as they are beasts. They need to fight on instinct alone." Aizen stood from his chair and jumped to his throne, so he could have a better view. "That's why I gathered them here for this party. I wanted them to understand that rules may be important, but that for their own good, instinct is even more." He then looked down to Gin, who was staring at him with a confused expression. "Do you know what can be learned from tonight, Gin?"
"Uh...That rules suck?" Gin tried to guess.
"No, Gin..." Aizen shook his head, before he put on his most evil grin. "That everything always goes...as I plan."