Disclaimer: Me no own Harry Potter. I don't own Jerry Springer or Steve,
either. I'm sorry if you really like Lily and I offend you ...Just keep in
mind that I wrote this during Algebra III and Psychology.
Jerry Springer: Welcome to the show everybody!
Audience: *Chanting * Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!
Jerry: Okay, today we have for your viewing pleasure ...*reads card * "Who is my real father?"
Audience: Ooooooh ..
Jerry: Let's bring out our first guest ... Harry Potter!
*Harry walks out and sits down, looking at his hands in his lap. *
Jerry: Alright, Harry, let's hear your story!
Harry: Well, I found out yesterday that James Potter isn't my real father!
Audience: Boooo!
Jerry: Well, did you figure out who your father was?
Harry: That's the thing. Headmaster Dumbledore told me that there was a possibility of seven different guys being my father!
Audience: Booo!
Jerry: What little Harold doesn't realize is that Lily Potter isn't dead! She ran away with an encyclopedia salesman after little Harold was born!
Harry: *eyes widen. *
Audience: Hisssssssss!
Jerry: And she's here at the studio with us -let's bring her out ..here's Lily Potter!
Audience: *A few whistles and catcalls. *
Harry: *Runs up to her and starts hitting her. * *He's pulled away by those security guys. * *Mayhem and beeping ensues. *
Harry: Mom! You're still alive!
*Lily Potter is about a hundred pounds overweight, wearing a much too small sundress. Her hair looks as if it hasn't been brushed or washed in fifteen years, and she's smoking a cigar. *
Lily: *In a manish-deep voice * Yeah.
Harry: Why did you leave me when I was a baby?!
Lily: Because That-Bastard-James Potter was an abusive alcoholic! I had to leave. And if I left you with him, he would be too distracted abusing you to come after *me *!
Harry: *Screams *
Jerry: We'll be back after these messages.
Audience: Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!
*Cuts to commercials after Harry attacks Lily again. *
Jerry: Alright, welcome back. We're here with Harry Potter from the acclaimed book series that many fanatical religious people wish to burn-
*Screen cuts to a burning Harry Potter, running around screaming and waving his arms. *
Harry: *Blushes and glances at Lily Potter. *
Lily Potter: *Oblivious, lights a joint. *
*Security guy Steve takes it away. *
Jerry: Ri-ight .Let's bring out some possibilities for Harry's father -Lily's past lovers!
Harry: *Peeks behind scenes and blanches. *
Jerry: And here is ... Potions Master at Hogwarts School ... Neferius Snake!
*Snape, glowering, glides (bat-like swooping ensues) to stage. *
Snape: That's Severus Snape, you moron. Don't you know how to read? *Shooting razor edged glares at Jerry. *
*Lily finally notices what's going on and charges at Snape, screaming.
Snape punches her and she falls down before Steve can put Snape in a half nelson. *
Snape: Beep, beep beeeeeeeep! Beepity beep you! You beeeeeeeee-
*Lily's writhing on the ground with a broken nose. The entire audience is in full view of her flowered granny underwear.
Some flinched, some threw up, and some fainted.
A stagehand tries to help her up, but she curses him with Petrificus Totalis and continues rolling like a turtle on its back. *
Jerry: Er. Here's possible daddy number two! Tom Riddle, known to his friends as Lord Voldemort!
*Voldemort walks out, wearing ultimate baggy jeans and a black t-shirt that says, "Put it here," with a bandanna around his bald, snake-like head, 'raising the roof' and dancing his way to Snape, who was still in the half nelson. *
Voldemort: Hey, yo yo what up my sista's? *receives glares, but doesn't notice. * Check this out .
Here's a half nelson!
*Points to Snape and Steve. *
Here's a full nelson!
*Does a full nelson on Harry. *
And here's a FATHER NELSON!
*Wraps his arms around Harry's waist from behind, while attempting to inconspicuously drag him offstage. *
Audience: *Chanting. * You-Suck! You-Suck!
*Voldemort, surprised, trips over his wallet-chain and his baggy skater- jeans fall down, revealing boxers with cartoon lightning bolts. *
Harry: Hey! *Stands up. * Lightning bolts are MY trademark! *Lip quivers. *
Voldemort: Er, I, ah. .. .Er. . ..Yo, Homies!
Jerry: Father number three ...Please welcome Lucius Malfoy!
*Lucius Malfoy walks out, wearing ripped jeans and a flannel shirt -half untucked. He's carrying a pitchfork and has hay in his hair. *
Snape and Harry: Er ...?
Malfoy: Sorry 'bout that. I was workin' on da farm when Mister Springer called me and asked me -
Snape: *Escaping from the half nelson. * Malfoy, you're not really a farm hick. You're an English Death Eater wizard. Snap out of it!
Malfoy: Heh. Snape said "snap." Snape, snap, Snape, snap -
Snape: Bleeeeeeep! *Attacks Lucius before Steve gets him back into the half nelson. *
Audience: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry: We'll be right back. *Throws cue cards over his shoulder. *
Jerry Springer: Welcome to the show everybody!
Audience: *Chanting * Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!
Jerry: Okay, today we have for your viewing pleasure ...*reads card * "Who is my real father?"
Audience: Ooooooh ..
Jerry: Let's bring out our first guest ... Harry Potter!
*Harry walks out and sits down, looking at his hands in his lap. *
Jerry: Alright, Harry, let's hear your story!
Harry: Well, I found out yesterday that James Potter isn't my real father!
Audience: Boooo!
Jerry: Well, did you figure out who your father was?
Harry: That's the thing. Headmaster Dumbledore told me that there was a possibility of seven different guys being my father!
Audience: Booo!
Jerry: What little Harold doesn't realize is that Lily Potter isn't dead! She ran away with an encyclopedia salesman after little Harold was born!
Harry: *eyes widen. *
Audience: Hisssssssss!
Jerry: And she's here at the studio with us -let's bring her out ..here's Lily Potter!
Audience: *A few whistles and catcalls. *
Harry: *Runs up to her and starts hitting her. * *He's pulled away by those security guys. * *Mayhem and beeping ensues. *
Harry: Mom! You're still alive!
*Lily Potter is about a hundred pounds overweight, wearing a much too small sundress. Her hair looks as if it hasn't been brushed or washed in fifteen years, and she's smoking a cigar. *
Lily: *In a manish-deep voice * Yeah.
Harry: Why did you leave me when I was a baby?!
Lily: Because That-Bastard-James Potter was an abusive alcoholic! I had to leave. And if I left you with him, he would be too distracted abusing you to come after *me *!
Harry: *Screams *
Jerry: We'll be back after these messages.
Audience: Jer-ry, Jer-ry, Jer-ry!
*Cuts to commercials after Harry attacks Lily again. *
Jerry: Alright, welcome back. We're here with Harry Potter from the acclaimed book series that many fanatical religious people wish to burn-
*Screen cuts to a burning Harry Potter, running around screaming and waving his arms. *
Harry: *Blushes and glances at Lily Potter. *
Lily Potter: *Oblivious, lights a joint. *
*Security guy Steve takes it away. *
Jerry: Ri-ight .Let's bring out some possibilities for Harry's father -Lily's past lovers!
Harry: *Peeks behind scenes and blanches. *
Jerry: And here is ... Potions Master at Hogwarts School ... Neferius Snake!
*Snape, glowering, glides (bat-like swooping ensues) to stage. *
Snape: That's Severus Snape, you moron. Don't you know how to read? *Shooting razor edged glares at Jerry. *
*Lily finally notices what's going on and charges at Snape, screaming.
Snape punches her and she falls down before Steve can put Snape in a half nelson. *
Snape: Beep, beep beeeeeeeep! Beepity beep you! You beeeeeeeee-
*Lily's writhing on the ground with a broken nose. The entire audience is in full view of her flowered granny underwear.
Some flinched, some threw up, and some fainted.
A stagehand tries to help her up, but she curses him with Petrificus Totalis and continues rolling like a turtle on its back. *
Jerry: Er. Here's possible daddy number two! Tom Riddle, known to his friends as Lord Voldemort!
*Voldemort walks out, wearing ultimate baggy jeans and a black t-shirt that says, "Put it here," with a bandanna around his bald, snake-like head, 'raising the roof' and dancing his way to Snape, who was still in the half nelson. *
Voldemort: Hey, yo yo what up my sista's? *receives glares, but doesn't notice. * Check this out .
Here's a half nelson!
*Points to Snape and Steve. *
Here's a full nelson!
*Does a full nelson on Harry. *
And here's a FATHER NELSON!
*Wraps his arms around Harry's waist from behind, while attempting to inconspicuously drag him offstage. *
Audience: *Chanting. * You-Suck! You-Suck!
*Voldemort, surprised, trips over his wallet-chain and his baggy skater- jeans fall down, revealing boxers with cartoon lightning bolts. *
Harry: Hey! *Stands up. * Lightning bolts are MY trademark! *Lip quivers. *
Voldemort: Er, I, ah. .. .Er. . ..Yo, Homies!
Jerry: Father number three ...Please welcome Lucius Malfoy!
*Lucius Malfoy walks out, wearing ripped jeans and a flannel shirt -half untucked. He's carrying a pitchfork and has hay in his hair. *
Snape and Harry: Er ...?
Malfoy: Sorry 'bout that. I was workin' on da farm when Mister Springer called me and asked me -
Snape: *Escaping from the half nelson. * Malfoy, you're not really a farm hick. You're an English Death Eater wizard. Snap out of it!
Malfoy: Heh. Snape said "snap." Snape, snap, Snape, snap -
Snape: Bleeeeeeep! *Attacks Lucius before Steve gets him back into the half nelson. *
Audience: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
Jerry: We'll be right back. *Throws cue cards over his shoulder. *