My mind is constantly plagued by my past suicide attempts. My way of coping is by writing about it. Read at your own risk. TRIGGER WARNINGS: RAPE, SUICIDE ATTEMPT
"Open your legs, Ayase." Those words filled his mind with horror, thoughts of being sullied leave him paralyzed with fear.
"If you won't open the, I'll be forced to do it for you." The sickening words from the man above him makes him tremble with fear. Large hands part his thighs, showing off his creamy skin. "That wasn't so hard now, was it?"
The man on top of him is huge, too powerful to defeat. He tries to hold back the tears that are threatening to spill out of his cerulean eyes.
"I got us some lube to make things easier." Ayase clutches the only thing at reach- white sheets that were soon to be stained. Calloused hands coat his entrance with lube, the liquid a cold reminder of the inevitable.
Something large enters him. It fills him up with terror and the tears he tried to lock in spills out like a dam. Ayase lets go of the sheets and covers his eyes. For a moment, the world turns black, the silence and the lack of vision giving him a false sense of security which soon shatters as he feels the rocking of his hips. The dark-haired man above him is now holding his waist in a vice-like grip.
Back and forth, back and forth it goes. He remembers his mother rocking him as a baby to get him to sleep. He misses his mother so much. If only it was her rocking him in a safe embrace. Wait, he is in an embrace. The embrace is warm and comforting. Fingers caressing his blond hair.
"Now, now. It's okay to cry, Ayase. Do you feel that? That's me inside you."
A few thrusts later, he feels liquid dripping out of his hole. The tremblings stop and his mind is empty, blissfully blank.
It doesn't take long before his body decides to shut down on him.
XXX
Resistance is futile.
That was something he learned a long time ago. Since the day he'd been auctioned as a sex slave, he has been constantly reminded that escape lead to punishment. The punishment required him to be obedient as the man relentlessly pounded into him. He doesn't want to experience that again.
Ayase owns nothing. He is merely a sex toy always ready to be taken by his master. His body belongs to his owner, everything ordered has to be followed. He has no control over anything.
He just wants to sleep through it all. Yes, sleep.
An idea forms in Ayase's mind. Why has he never thought of it before? Did the fear cloud his judgement to the point of being incapable of functioning well?
No, there was a way out. There has always been another option.
Running to the bathroom, he opens the medicine cabinet which was always full of pills meant to be used whenever he had a fever as his body's immune system was weak.
Ayase counts the pills. Twenty-one. Will this be enough? He looks at himself in the mirror and is shocked at the determination in his eyes. His heart pounds faster and faster. He would rather do this than be manipulated forever.
Nodding to himself, he takes his time in taking the pills. He downs them three at a time and gulps down water like a man taking alcohol shots. Before he realizes it, his hand is empty. The deed is done. A feeling of satisfaction washes over him at his accomplishment.
He is human. He has a soul. He owns his body.
A smile graces the blond's lips as he walks to the living room. He feels shivers run down his spine. Nausea threatens him to puke out his guts. He clamps his right hand over his mouth. No, he isn't going to vomit the pills out.
A few more steps to the couch and the shivers get worse. His knees buckle and he can't stop his body from shaking as he goes into a full blown seizure. An acidic feeling goes up his throat and froth starts to bubble in his mouth, filling his throat until it spills out.
Something akin to guilt nags at the back of his mind.
Regret.
He doesn't want to die yet. Was there no other solution? Did he really have to resort to this?
His eyes start to close even with his attempts to keep them open. The light at the end of the tunnel was getting smaller and smaller.
I don't want to die yet, he thinks to himself.
Help me.
SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM