This little story is set after the events of Serenity. I only borrowed the characters, none of them are mine.

Cats made Jayne really nervous.

If he had to put a date on this twitch he had, he'd say that it started when he was a little boy and his mom had decided to take in this starving hungry tabby stray. The cat thought that Jayne would make a good lunch, so it had lured him over with its big eyes and soft mew, just until he got close enough and then–CHOMP!

Jayne didn't taste as good as the tabby thought, so it let go. And then he'd thrown a boot at it, and it took off and was never seen again. The little boy, however, was left with two puncture marks and a deep and abiding fear of tabbies with big eyes and soft mews.

He'd never actually told anyone on the crew this, because really, who was scared of tabby cats? No one would have ever let him live it down. Even the little mind reader didn't know, he hoped, since he'd taken care to avoid even the thought of cats anywhere near her.

Then, one day, Kaylee found a cat that had stowed aboard Serenity during a trip to some dusty planet, and it was all downhill from there.

"Ooooh, kitty!" Kaylee cooed, coaxing it out from one of the boxes stored in the cargo bay. "Come here, come here."

As she squatted to pet the cat behind its ears, Mal walked up behind her. "Kaylee, you know you can't keep that cat."

She stood with the thing cuddled in her arms. Jayne, standing behind Mal, instinctively reached for the reassuring handle of the nearest gun. "But Captain," she wheedled, "look at it! It's so tiny and cute…"

"It doesn't matter how tiny or cute it is, I don't want pets on my ship," Mal said firmly. He quickly checked the contents of the bag slung over his shoulder, making sure everything was there. "Now you put it down outside when we go into town, and I'm sure some kind soul will take it in."

"No they won't. Not on this planet," Kaylee fretted. She turned around at the approach of the doctor and his mind-reading freaky sister. "Simon, can't we keep this kitty? We'd have room for it, I'm sure…"

The doctor lifted the cat out of Kaylee's hands, examining it while his sister ran her fingers very softly over the fur. They all looked entirely too comfortable around it, so Jayne felt compelled to point out, "We can't keep it; gorram thing probably has fleas."

"Well, fleas are easy to get rid of," the doctor said, entirely too reasonably to Jayne's ears. "Would you like to have a cat, River?"

"Now hold on a minute," Mal cut in. At least the captain had some sense. "We can't adopt a cat just like that. I don't want it on the ship!"

"Yeah, he doesn't want it on the ship!" Jayne said. Mal gave him a strange sideways look.

Simon handed Mal the devilish thing. "It won't take much to feed it–her. Hold her for a moment."

The captain took it, and still the cat didn't savage him. Just biding its time, obviously. "Well, it's a furry thing, I'll say that."

"I'm sure Inara would like it," Kaylee ventured.

Hell, why'd she have bring Inara into the conversation?

"She might at that," Mal admitted. And just like that, the tabby started purring and had the captain wrapped around its sharp little claws. "Fine, we'll leave it on the ship until later–"

"Thank you, Captain!" Kaylee squealed.

Mal set the thing down and pointed a warning finger at her. "I didn't say we'd keep it, I just said I'll think about it some more. Now we gotta go, Zoe and Inara are waiting for us in town. Everyone get your stuff and let's go." As the others moved to grab their gear, Mal turned to Jayne. "Now you know your part. Wait ten minutes, we should be done with our part by then, and you follow us in with River. Don't mess with her, you hear?"

Don't mess with the crazy girl? Sometimes Mal seemed to think he was stupid. But that wasn't the problem right now. "Are you serious about leaving that cat on this ship? That's a bad idea–"

"Forget about the cat! You forgotten who's in charge here? Just follow us in ten minutes."

"But I can't babysit no cat, look at it, Mal, it's a devil!"

The look that the captain gave him was downright doubtful now. "It's a cat, Jayne. Don't shoot it or eat it and everything should be fine. Ten minutes. Don't blow up the ship while I'm gone."

And just like that, everyone except him and the crazy girl were off into town for the next job, and there was that cat, looking at him.

"Well, go on, girl, pick it up," he barked, gesturing at River. Girls liked cats; she'd take it out of his sight.

"No," she said. "Besides, I think it likes you."

The kitten took a few steps toward him. It really was a devilish creature, with those enormous blue eyes and white feet and soft tiny tail. "Mrroweeeow?" it asked, as though offering Jayne the choice of being fried or baked before he was eaten.

"I don't wanna be fried or baked!" he said aloud, and then glanced up at River, who was watching with a smile that was almost a smirk. Well, mind-reading be damned, it was threatening time. He dropped to his knees in front of the cat, keeping his chin lowered in case it decided to go for his jugular, and took out one of his pistols. "Now, cat, this here gun has a bullet with your name on it if you get anywhere close to me, so you go on over to the crazy girl now. You hear me?"

The kitten paced towards him, and Jayne shuffled back on his knees. "Oh, no," he said, "no, you get any closer–"

Its pace only got faster, and Jayne did an awkward knee-shuffle backwards a few more steps before his feet hit something solid: the wall. He was trapped, and that kitten was still coming towards him, its eyes locked on his. About a foot away, with Jayne readying his gun, it stopped and mewed softly, dangerously, again.

And suddenly, River was by his side and plucking the gun out of his hand. Jayne swore. "The gorram hell are you–"

"Shh, it's okay," she said. "You're not afraid of that little kitten, are you?"

"I'm not afraid of nothing–shhhhh…" The cat approached him and rubbed its head on Jayne's knee, purring softly.

It just sniffed me, I think it's going to take a bite any minute now… Jayne thought. But the kitten just kept rubbing its head against his knee, back and forth. It was a strange feeling, the soft fur over the hard skull, and against his better judgment Jayne reached out a finger to touch it. He pulled the finger back quickly, but the memory of the fur still haunted his skin.

So he reached out to pet it again. "Any minute now," he muttered to it, "you're going to bite me and it's all going to be her fault." He directed a glare at River. "Anything with big blue eyes like that is just waiting to take a bite out of guys like me…"

When Jayne and River showed up in town a few minutes later, Malcolm Reynolds almost had a fit. "Jayne! What the hell are you doing carrying that cat?"

Jayne tightened his arms around the small kitten. "This cat is a devil," he informed the captain, with River smiling to his left, "and any minute now it's going to take a bite out of my hand, and it'll be that crazy girl's fault."

"Give that thing to Kaylee and help me carry this," Mal ordered.

"...I told you this cat was a devil," Jayne said. "It really isn't safe for anyone else to hold it. You'd better let me hang onto it, just for safety's sake."