It's all about easing the pain.

Summary :

This short fanfic is about Juliette and her way of dealing with the pain. She was doing better at Horizon and now she had to come back at home for her mother's 6th wedding. Read and find out if things really changed ! DRAMA&ANGST ! rated M for a reason ! R&R

I had no corrector for this fic so there might be mistakes as I'm not a native speaker. Please don't flame about this.

As always I don't own anything, bla bla blah

Author : Maryline aka Miss SMG DEPP ACKLES

Date: May 30th, 2005

A/N : I promise to write a new chapter to my Higher Ground : Up & Down fic as soon as possible. Thanks again for your support and for loving my stories.

Juliette had been sent home for the 6th wedding of her mom. She had been there for two days. The wedding thing was now over but she had to stay five more days with her mom and new husband Jack. She couldn't really say whether she loved him or not cause she didn't know him. Well just a little bit. He seemed to be nice. She just hoped her mom could be nice as well. She was always on her back, telling her what to do or not to do, how to be dressed, looking pretty… She hated that. She tried hard to remember what she was told at Horizon, that she was strong enough not to let her mom get to her, hurt her. But it was hard. She hated that her mom was always telling her the way she should act, what to eat or not eat, to see the food already on her plate when it was dinner time and that she was never going to be the perfect daughter her mother wanted… But what she hated the most was that she had this power over her. It made her feel weak. She sometimes even wondered if her mom loved her.

She was upstairs, in her room, when she heard her mom yelling 'Juliette, it's time to eat !'

Great it's that time of the day again ! I hate that, I really do. I could get sick just by thinking of these gross things on my plate. Ew…and I can already think about what she's going to say. What will she find today ? What have I done wrong ? She always finds something negative to say. I'm fed up going through this all the time !

'I'm not feeling well, I would…'

'You come here right now ! ' yelled her mom 'Jack and I are expecting you downstairs to have dinner with us so be polite and get here now ! I won't accept any excuses !'

'Ok I'm coming' Juliette finally answered knowing that her mom would never give up and that she didn't have a choice.

She took a last look in the mirror and still didn't like herself. She wished she was different. She often dreamt about being someone else. Someone better, less weak, beautiful… just someone with a better life. She knew it wasn't going to happen. She just had to accept she was like that. Being in her house, in her home with her mom still acting the same way affected her a lot and brought back all the bad memories of everything she was trying to forget, her problems…

She went downstairs, offered her mother and Jack a fake smile and sat at the table.

'What have you done to your hair ?' said her mother starting her usual speech. 'And your nails… Didn't I tell you to be well dressed, hair and nails done ?'

Jack looked at Juliette and smiled.

'You look pretty Juliette' Jack told her with honesty.

'Thank you' Juliette answered.

Her mom only sighed but glared at Jack. The poor guy wondered what he had said wrong.

Juliette was used to hear this before and it made her think about how much she loved being at Horizon, and with Auggie. It was her new home and she liked it. It was nothing like this home with her mom.

Juliette didn't answer her mother and began eating. She knew she couldn't avoid this so she thought about the second option, what she liked to call 'plan B'. Her mother kept talking to her while they were eating. She kept saying unkind stuff Juliette was fed up hearing. She acted like it wasn't affecting her but it was. She was eating as fast as she could.

The faster it comes in, the faster it'll come out.

She was now done with eating.

'I thought you weren't feeling well and you're already done !' Her mother said.

'I'm feeling much better now that I ate' Juliette lied and offered them a fake smile again. 'Can I go now, please?'.

'This isn't polite Juliette, Jack and I aren't done yet' her mother answered.

'Let her go ! It's fine' Jack said smiling at Juliette and she smiled back.

Her mother let her go back upstairs. She didn't run in the stairs not to sound suspicious but her stomach was hurting. She was feeling heavy and didn't like it. She didn't like being forced to eat and being told what to do and how to do it. Once she was upstairs, where nobody could see her, she rushed to the bathroom. She looked at herself in the mirror, put the water flow in the shower to cover other noises and kneeled down in front of the toilet. With one hand she maintained her hair and with the other she put one finger into her mouth and puked up her dinner. She knew it wasn't right but she felt like it was the only thing to do. She flushed, got up and looked at her face in the mirror. She smiled, it was a real smile. She was happy, she felt better. She stopped the water in the shower. She was like that, sometimes she wouldn't eat a single thing and she could go on for days without food or she would eat everything she could and make herself throw up after.

Now she felt bad. Bad after what she had done. It was always like that. She felt like she had to do it and then she was sad for acting that way.

Why ? Why does she have to be like that with me ? Am I such a bad daughter ? No, at Horizon Peter and Sophie taught me it wasn't my fault. They told me I was strong, I shouldn't pay attention to what she or others say. But then why can't I just ignore them ? Because it's too hard. I'm such a mess. I never do anything right. I fail everything I do. Maybe that's all I deserve.

She was always searching for an excuse, always trying to find excuses for the way she was acting. She wished she could just tell her mom to go to hell and give her head peace but she knew she couldn't. She preferred ignoring her comments. It was easier that way. Juliette always kept everything, all the feelings, emotions and pain, to herself and that was probably the main cause of her problems. You keep everything to yourself and then it explodes in the inside and you have to take the pain and anger out of yourself any way you can. She had changed at Horizon and was improving. She wasn't that lost anymore. She had found herself and most importantly she had found love, Auggie. The day they both ran away from the school he had found out she was cutting again. He had said after seeing her arm 'Is it what you did to yourself ?' and she said 'yeah'. She was ashamed but he was there for her. He never judged her. He asked her why and she told him the truth, that it helped, it made the pain she had inside go away. She admitted she didn't remember when she started doing it. She hated that she could feel so strong some days and so weak other days and that nobody could understand her and what she was feeling.

She spent one hour in the bathroom, thinking about her life, Auggie and Horizon. She went back to her bedroom and took the note pad Peter had given her to write her feelings during her week at home.

Great ! What am I supposed to write ? Nothing has changed ! No I can't write that or I'll have to discuss about it forever. Peter never gives up until you said everything that's on your mind. He always knows how to get you to talk and sometimes, rarely, pushes too hard.

She tried to think about what to write but had no idea. Suddenly her thinking was interrupted by her mom knocking at her door. She hid the note pad.

'Come in' she said in a sweet voice. Her mother entered and took a look inside the room as to see if everything was in order, cleaned. 'We're going out for dinner so be ready in one hour. You have 60 minutes to be showered, hair and nails done and you'd better make me be proud of yourself and look pretty. I want you to be perfect !'

Exactly what Juliette hated to hear. She just smiled and nodded yes. Her mother left the room. Juliette sighed and let herself fall on the ground.

Nothing changes. It will never change. Why does she hate me so much ? I'm bored of this. I can't take it anymore. It's too much.

Tears began forming in her eyes. Her mother won again and she hated that. She felt weak, hurt and mad. She tried to think about Horizon and of course Auggie. At Horizon she would have told someone when she wasn't feeling well. There was always someone to listen, reassure her, make her feel better, hug her, showing her that they were there or just talk to her… people who really care. She was never alone there but she was now in her house. She was alone with her anger and sadness. Her blood was boiling. She couldn't think straight. She went to the bathroom again, took a look in the mirror and all she felt was disgust. Nothing but disgust. She took a razor blade. She sat on the ground, near the sink and rolled up her sleeves, both of them. She hadn't been doing this since she ran away with Auggie last month. She looked at her previous scars and at the razor blade she was holding in her right hand. Suddenly images of Auggie, Peter, Sophie, Scott and the others came up but she rejected them. The tension was too strong. It hurt too much. She knew it was wrong but she had to do something to stop this and she knew how. She knew she'd feel better after this. It was easy. People always saw that as a weakness but it wasn't for her or maybe it was but she didn't want to think about it. Even when Peter told her she wasn't fine she kept saying she was, she always pretended she was, and she really thought what she was saying. She was fine. She just had to deal with her emotions her own way. And she only knew one way to do it. Not eating or eating and then throw up wasn't the same thing. Cutting really procured something good, some unique feeling, something that only people who're doing it could understand. It was like she had to punish herself for some reason, for not being the perfect daughter her mother wanted, or sometimes she was doing it without a reason and that was the problem. She had to ease the pain by another one to get her mind out of it, not to think about it. Tears started falling down her cheeks. She tried hard to retain them but she couldn't. She hated feeling that weak.

They don't know what they're talking about. They think they know but they have no idea. They're not me. They don't know what it's like to be me. Nobody does ! They all say they're here to help and they want to help but they don't understand; they can't help. How can they tell me what to do if they never went through this ? This is just… pain. It hurts. I have to take it out and… This is the only way… I'll feel better. But then I'll have to hide myself, my body, again but I've always been used to that. They can't know. This isn't like if I was doing it all the time again, just once, just now… It can't be that bad.

She had found her excuses and she was ready to do it. She never thought she sounded like a junkie and how easy it was to fall in the wrong/negative/depressive side again. Once you're into that it's hard to give up your addictions. It's a strong feeling. You keep everything to yourself and open up to nobody, especially cause you're ashamed of yourself and you feel like nobody can understand you and you fear their judgments, so nobody knows you're suffering inside and sometimes it's so strong you just have to let it go, to ease the pain your own way. Once you began doing it you can't stop. You think you have the control but you don't. Juliette succeeded doing better once she was sent to Mont Horizon. She was proud of herself and her friends and counselors were proud of her too. They were like a big family. Always supporting each others. She didn't know what to think anymore now that she was back at her house and for some reason she feared she would never come back to Horizon. All she could feel was anger. She hated her life so much and her mom too.

One day… I'll end it all. I'll be relieved forever, resting in peace. It doesn't matter anyway. Who cares ? Nobody will know about it !

She placed the blade hard on her left arm. She felt it entering her skin and it was good. A good feeling. She pressed the blade harder and harder making several cuts into both arms. The deeper she was cutting the better she felt. She felt the cuts burning, it was a good pain. It's like she could only feel that pain and not think about anything else. The rage slowly disappeared; she felt relieved and stopped after the tenth cut. She would only feel better for a short time before she had to do it again maybe in an hour, maybe in the evening, maybe tomorrow. She watched the blood falling down her arms. It wasn't too much. She rested there a few minutes, eyes shut, breathing slowly, being calm and enjoying the pain caused by those fresh cuts. That was enough…for now. Sometimes you have to realize that some things will never change. Juliette thought she was doing better and she probably was in Horizon but one week at her house and everything, bad habits, was the same.

It never ends...

THE END. PLEASE READ AND REVIEW ! THANKS