Author's Note: Well, to start off, this story was created by my best friend, corkxrew, this other best friend who doesn't have a fanfiction account, unfortunately, and me during our first or second sleepover. It was kind of like a "fan-fiction scaffold" where we took turns writing a paragraph or two and switching off. This story might relate a little to this other story we wrote about the Beauty and the Beast. Anyway, you can easily tell who wrote what: the good, funny, originial parts are written by corkxrew or Friend-with-no-FanFic-Account and all the screwed-up, lame, boring parts are written by me. Enjoy!
Disclaimer: Snow White doesn't belong to corkxrew or me. It belongs to The Wonderful World of Disney... I think.
Prince Snow White: From Bad to Worse
by Corkxrew, Friend-with-no-FanFic-Account, and ZetsumeiTsubasa
Hi. My name is Prince Darren. Wait, I'm married. So I'm a king now, right? Well, I used to be Prince Darren. Now I'm King Darren. I think. Anyway, this is about me. Me, me, me, and ME. Everyone knows my wife, right? Snow White's got to be one of the hottest girls in this part of America. But I think she's cheating on me. Anyway, no one ever asks about me. Where do I live? In a reeeeeeeeeeally big mansion near Las Vegas. What's my favorite color? Pink. Real men wear pink. What do I look like? A super model (that's a guy) with dark, wavy hair and blue eyes and is totally gorgeous. (at least, that's what my next door neighbor's wife says) How did I meet Snowy? Well, that was a few years ago.
When I first met Snowy she was gentle, caring, and…….just too kind. She was the prettiest girl in the world at that time, but I really don't know about now. After we married she changed……I mean a loooot. Well back to the story. Snowy was the prettiest and that had made someone very mad. Who was that "someone"? That very special "someone", was a dwarf.
In other words, she was my ex-girlfriend. Her name was, well… is, Tooty. Yeah, I know it's a really weird name, but it's because in her dwarf village, she was considered a hottie. Anyway, I broke up with her because Snow White was much hotter, and Snow White gave much better sex. cough I see I'm getting off topic. blush Tooty got very angry, and you know how the tale says that the queen tries to kill her blah blah blah? Well it wasn't the queen… it was Tooty. That evil, bastard- like, snobby, devoid, annoying, perv- Anyway, she tried to avenge Snow White because Snow White was the reason why we broke up, but because she was kind of dim- witted, her tricks didn't work. Well, DUH!!! That's why Snow White's still alive.
See, I first met Snow in my senior year at Royal High, Las Vegas, CA. She was a junior, cheerleader captain, and voted Hottie of the Year. I was a senior (I mentioned that, right?), student body president, and voted Hottest Guy of the Year. Perfect match, don't you think? It all began on our hundredth anniversary of our first date. We were having our hundredth date, and we were going to have a picnic near a river.
While we were both enjoying our sandwiches I was just about to give her a present, but Tooty came out in the picture. She had thrown a stink bomb about 5 yards away from us. Snowy had smelt it just when it was flying across my head. Very weirdly, I didn't smell it and Snowy ran screaming like a freak and I thought that she didn't like me. Right then I turned back and saw the stink bomb right behind my back. Now I knew why Snowy had run away, but I was too late to run away. I was screaming like a freak. That's when I assumed that I would die and never meet my hottie Snowy again.
UNFORTUNATELY, I did, hence we're married right now. It took a while to convince Snowy that I DID NOT FART ON OUR DATE!!!! I had to explain over and over that it was a stink bomb, but she didn't believe me until I lied that it was the queen. She spread the word that the queen was trying to kill her (even though Tooty only threw a stink bomb, you can't die from stinkiness, can you?), well, anyway, that's how the Snow White tales have the evil queen and everything, even though later, the queen would try to save Snowy. It took me weeks to get out the smell. It was like a skunk's FART!! Anyway because of this, I swore I would kill all the skunks in the kingdom. It was a very bad choice because if I didn't make this commitment, I wouldn't be living with this brat who sleeps with (or should I say on top of) me on the same bed. It can't be changed. sigh Well, I heard from the gardeners in the Royal Garden, that skunks have been scampering in and out of the woods, I had to go and KILL THEM ALL!!! clear throat When I got to the heart of the forest, I saw that Snowy was sleeping in a glass case thing (you know, like the one in all the pictures after Snow White ate the poisonous apple and stuff?). I took my sword and cut the lock on it in half, and I stared at her sexy body. Suddenly, a skunk came out of nowhere and the bastard FARTED ON ME!!! It took me by such a surprise that I literally jumped into the air and landed on top of White, my lips on her lips. When she woke up, she had the wrong idea…
She suddenly wrapped her arms around me and pulled me closer. I swear I heard a rib crack. And all the while, she was practically crushing my face against hers. Snow finally let go and I fell backwards, onto the skunk. The skunk didn't seem to mind, but stuck its tongue out at me. Stupid skunk….The next day, at school, it was the big juicy bit of gossip everyone seems to know about. All about us two having wild sex in the middle of the woods. HELLO!!!! How is molesting me and crushing half the bones in my body count as sex?!
I mean, is it sex??? Well anyways I had to deal with the staring from my friends and other people I didn't know all day long. Having sex is not a crime you know………. It is a very natural thing when you get to my age. Some people become desperate to do it. Now I'm getting off topic. Well some people even asked me how it felt like to have sex with a hottie in the school. I just couldn't understand why people would make some kind of rumors like that. After school Snowy and I decided to get together after school in the café. I thought that she was going to talk about the rumor in school, but she ended up speaking about a totally different topic…..
She had decided to spread the rumor that I had RAPED HER if I didn't ask her to marry me. She looked serious. If she did spread the rumor, I would never be a king, but I DIDN'T WANT TO BE A KING MARRIED TO THAT BRAT!!! So we went to the jewelry store across the street. Of course, she asked for the most expensive ring there. It had one large diamond, five medium diamonds, millions of sapphires, rubies, etc. and it weighed a ton… LITERALLY!!! After that we had to tell my parents, and we arranged the engagement party, and we had a secret wedding that hour. That night we slept together for the first time in my room on a king sized "tempur- pedic" bed. Although it was big enough to fit twenty people on it comfortably, she rubbed against me in the middle of the bed. I realized that she was asking for more sex. Was she a sex addict? Anyway, when all the lights in the castle went off, she put her lips against mine, I pulled away, but she said, "Remember the rumor?" That did it, and I pulled her body against mine. She started to put her tongue in her mouth and did all the stuff the people in rated "R" movies do, I HATED it, but I remembered the rumor, and I kept it up, but the next morning, she started puking: she was pregnant. Well, there goes my chance at divorce…