Title: Heartbeat
Author: snarkysweetness
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Emma/August/Neal with Henry
Summary: Emma struggles to recover from the non-stop hell her life has been since breaking the curse.
Warnings: Angst and mild sexiness.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: I dedicate this to my fellow Wooden Swan Fire shippers, Maggie and Victoria. This was supposed to be a dumb thing about them all being friends in love with each other and then they demanded sexiness, so…
Emma brushed Henry's hair away from his forehead before resting her palm on his cheek. She watched him sadly, wishing there was some way to repair all of the damage she'd done. She couldn't erase the image of Pan ripping Henry's heart from his chest from her mind nor the guilt of knowing that not even a day before she'd allowed Regina to do the same to a child. She'd done horrible things to get him back and he'd wound up paying for it.
She moved her hand down but immediately retracted it. She'd been doing this ever since they got back, watching him sleep to make sure he was still breathing, placing a hand on his chest to make sure there was still a heart beating.
She knew she needed to stop, she was becoming overbearing, and even Regina had caught on and insisted she was fretting over him too much but she couldn't help it. Henry was her baby and she'd missed his entire life, hell, she'd ruined it. She expected him to be taken from her at any moment. Emma couldn't lose him, not again, it would destroy her.
A gentle hand grasped her shoulder and she looked up to find August staring down at her, with the same expression he wore on an almost permanent basis these days; worry.
"I know, but I dreamt he was gone and I just-"
"It's okay," he whispered. "Come, I'll make you something so you can sleep."
"Will you stay?"
She glanced up at him hopefully. She'd given Henry her mother's old room, she feared he'd wake from a nightmare, disoriented, and take a fall down the stairs from her room. She'd reclaimed her bedroom and her boys were camped out in the living room. It was cramped and not the best situation but it beat being separated; none of them were ready for that.
"Please? Just until I fall asleep," she pleaded. Henry wasn't the only one who'd suffered from nightmares since their return, but unlike him hers weren't a side-effect from a sleeping curse, hers were all guilt-induced.
"Of course. Come, before you wake him."
Emma glanced back to Henry with a pained expression. She hated to leave him, even if only for a few hours but she knew August was right. She nodded and leaned down to press her lips to Henry's forehead.
"I love you," she whispered, never missing a chance to make sure he knew how loved he was.
She reached up to take August's hand and he helped her to her feet. August led her through the curtains where she found Neal standing at the stove making cocoa. She leaned into August, suddenly ready to cry.
"You're both far too good to me; I don't deserve it," she muttered. She'd put them both through the ringer. They both loved her and she sometimes felt she took advantage of that. Sure, she loved them, but she knew she wasn't good for either of them. She was so emotionally fucked up she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to have a healthy relationship with either of them but she never said it out loud.
She wasn't stringing them along, not really. Neal was Henry's father and August was her best friend and for a time had been the only father Henry had known. It made sense for the three of them to raise Henry together.
Besides, she wasn't sure she could do it alone. She hadn't fully appreciated what a good job Regina had done with Henry until she was doing half of the parenting, on her own while struggling to keep herself together emotionally. She could have done it, before Never Land, but now…
"Mom?"
Emma turned to find a half-awake Henry rubbing at his eyes and watching her. She moved to go to him, maybe he had a bad dream, if so he needed her, but August held her back.
"Neal's got this, don't you, Neal?"
Neal turned off the stove and nodded.
"Yeah, it's my turn."
He gave her hand a squeeze as he walked by. Neal settled himself in bed with Henry and wrapped an arm around him.
"Come on, son, you need your sleep."
August closed the curtain and led her to the sofa. The loft was dark; to help keep Henry from waking, but the soft glow of the television and the stove light lit their way. They settled on the couch and Emma curled up at her side before timidly placing her ear against August's chest.
This was another new compulsion of hers; to make sure he too was still there. She'd lost him, twice, and she had no intention of ever seeing the life fade from him again.
A small sigh of relief escaped her lips as she registered his heartbeat and she relaxed against him. August wrapped an arm around her and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.
"The cocoa should be cooled down by now want me to-"
"No, just stay," she whispered. He held her closer and she wrapped her arms around his middle, never wanting to let him go either. She hated this new, clingy, unstable Emma but it beat the alternative; hiding out in her room, curled up crying, and tearing her hair out which was the Emma they'd gotten after Pinocchio had been taken.
Anytime she'd been able to sit still some new crisis was afoot. She had a hard time accepting that it was all done, that they could finally move on with their lives, because she knew better.
"Henry's asleep." Neal took the empty spot in the sofa and she turned to look at him.
"Thank you." She reached over to give his hand a squeeze and he didn't give it back. She wished she could find a way to make sure they were all protected; her boys. If she could she'd buy the world's largest bed and they would all stay huddled together each night, protecting Henry from the dangers of the world but she didn't need him being even more damaged than he already was. She was trying to worry less, to hover less, to let him live his life but it was hard. At least she had these two to keep her grounded and of course Regina to remind her of everything she was doing wrong.
"Are you okay," Neal asked. Emma shook her head and pulled away from August so she could sit with her knees to her chest and speak to them both.
"Will any of us ever really be okay?"
"Probably not," Neal whispered as he reached over to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. She frowned and gave a bitter laugh.
"I didn't think so."
Neal watched her sadly before pulling her close so he could kiss her forehead.
"There's hot chocolate, August said it helps you sleep…" Emma shook her head.
"No, can we just…sit here?" She just wanted to cuddle with them both until they all fell asleep. Having one of them by her side was the only way she rested these days, maybe with the two of them she'd go the rest of the night nightmare free.
"Of course."
She rested her head on Neal's shoulder and noticed their messy air mattresses and it suddenly hit her that she'd woken them. Emma pulled away and moved to get up.
"You two were sleeping, I didn't mean to wake you. I should go back to bed-"
"It's okay, Ems," August whispered as Neal took her hand.
"He's right, come here." Neal patted the couch and she sat back down and curled up next to him. Neal wrapped his arms around her shoulders as she reached a hand out for August. He took it and she pulled him towards her.
Emma wasn't sure how it happened, but a moment later she held his face between her hands while her lips pressed against his. Tears stung her cheeks as guilt washed over her. She shouldn't be doing this, it was wrong and they both deserved better but fuck if it didn't make her feel better.
She pulled him closer as he deepened the kiss and as right as it felt there was something missing.
Neal pressed his lips to her shoulder as he grasped her waist from behind. This wasn't supposed to feel so good, but it did. Here she was, sandwiched between the two men that she loved and while she knew she was far from being ready to have a relationship with one of them, let alone the both of them, she couldn't help but think it was the perfect solution to her problem.
Plus, after the hell she'd been through some comfort sex was exactly what she needed, even if her son was asleep in the next room.
August broke the kiss to trail his lips across her jawline before assaulting her neck. She leaned back and bit back a moan. Neal grasped her by the chin, turning her head before pressing his mouth to hers. The air in the room suddenly seemed thick and she found herself reaching up to cup his cheek and pull him closer while deepening their kiss.
Lips closed around one of her nipples and she was reminded of August. She slipped one hand under his shirt and tugged at the band of his sweatpants. Neal lifted the hem of her shirt but she stopped him.
"No, Henry," she muttered, knowing that if they did this they needed to be both quick and discreet. Their son was messed up enough without having to wake up and walk in on this.
They didn't need words; they were somehow all on the same page. August pressed his lips to hers and she climbed into his lap while wrapping her arms around his neck. She slipped her tongue past his lips and deepened their kiss. A small hiss escaped her throat as Neal's cold hand made its way up her shirt.
She wasn't sure how their little dance was supposed to work, but it did. A tug of the pants here, a shift there, and before she knew it August was inside of her while Neal's hands helped them both along. Emma kept her lips firmly pressed against August's as she rode him to keep her cries from filling the room.
August moved his fingers into her hair and curled her blonde locks into his fist tightly as he pulled her closer. She'd imagined what it would be like to be with him dozens of times and she was glad that he did not disappoint her. She came first, clinging to Neal's shirt as she tugged him against her. The moment she was sure August wouldn't scream out her name she switched and pressed her mouth to Neal's. She trailed one hand over the front of Neal's pajamas before reaching in to include him.
She placed her free hand over August's mouth as he came and the three of them froze for a moment. She could hear her heart pounding, but nothing else. Once she was confident they hadn't woken Henry she turned to pounce on Neal.
While August was uncharted territory, which she planned to fully explore at a more appropriate time, Neal was familiar. She pushed away memories of their brief time together; those could be dealt with later. She did however remember which buttons to push to speed this along. Neal muttered a string of curses against her lips as she smirked; if he thought she was good now, he had no clue what he was in for when she had time to really make him squirm and scream.
"What's so funny," Neal breathed and Emma shook her head. He didn't need to know she was also plotting ways to leave August ruined and ways to watch the two of them go at it.
Speaking of…
August wrapped an arm around her middle from behind and placed his lips on her neck. She sighed happily as she leaned against him. She turned to kiss him but he moved past her and planted his lips on Neal's.
Well, if they were going to go for it on their own…
Emma was more than happy to sit back and watch but August had other ideas. She bit back a moan as he went for round two. She buried her face in Neal's neck to muffle her cries. This was a horrible idea; they'd be better suited going upstairs. She composed herself enough to speak as a loud creak filled the room.
She pulled away from them both, terrified.
"Mom?"
She sighed in relief as she realized Henry was still in bed.
"Coming," she croaked, heart racing out of control. She quickly made herself presentable and jumped off of the sofa. She was glad the room was dimly lit; she didn't need them to see how red-hot her cheeks were. She shook out her hair, trying to somehow make the glow of sex fall away from her while the boys tucked themselves back in. She moved across the small room as Henry appeared between the curtains separating his room from the rest of the loft.
She prayed that when she turned around there would be no exposed penises. She turned to find her lovers casually sitting on the sofa as if the three of them hadn't just engaged in a threesome.
"Come here, kiddo." Emma took him by the hand and led him to the sofa. She situated herself between August and Neal before pulling Henry into her lap. She hugged him tightly as he curled up with his head in her lap. She ran her fingers through his hair and waited patiently for him to speak.
"I was back in the room with the fire," he whispered, breaking Emma's heart. The guilt returned. She'd allowed herself to forget, for just a few minutes, but now she felt worse. She didn't deserve their love or to feel joy, not when the love of her life was being tormented in his dreams.
Emma inspected his exposed skin for any burns; nothing this time.
She leaned down and pressed her lips to his forehead.
"Come on, Henry; let's get you back to bed. Your dads and I will stay with you," she whispered before realizing her slip. She pondered it for a moment before giving a mental shrug. Who the fuck cared? It was true. August hadn't been involved in making him but he loved Henry just as much as Neal did and…she glanced at the two of them with a sigh. Damn if she didn't love them both. "We'll keep you safe," she promised.
August watched her with that look of his. Her words had stunned him but now he looked broken and she knew he still felt as though he didn't deserve love. He was wrong; he deserved more than she could ever give him.
Neal buried his face in her hair and pressed a kiss to her head before reaching down for Henry.
"I got you, Henry," he whispered. Henry clung to his father as he carried him out of the room. Emma closed her eyes for a moment, realizing how exhausted she was. It wasn't physical, she was mentally done. She was tired of the pain and guilt and everything.
August placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze before holding out a hand to help her to her feet. He took hold of her waist and leaned down, kissing her in a way that left her weak in the knees. It was like August to want the last word.
"I love you," he confessed.
"Why?" She knew he loved her, she'd always known, but she couldn't comprehend how neither he nor Neal could see how bad she was for the both of them.
"Because you're my soulmate."
"You're an idiot."
"Your point?"
She took his hand with a shake of her head and led him to bed. She expected Neal would make a similar declaration at some point. They were fools for loving her.
Emma slid into bed and pulled Henry against her. She cradled him against her chest with her lips buried into his hair. She didn't know many lullabies, but luckily Neal and August worked well together in creating elaborate bedtime stories.
August lay behind her, with his arms wrapped around her and Henry protectively while Neal lay next to Henry, holding his smaller hand in his own. She could feel the steady, rhythmic rise and fall of Henry's chest and the thumping of his heart. She hoped the nightmares stayed away so her little prince could get some rest.
Her eyes moved down to her hand where three pairs of hands had come together.
"I love you." She glanced up and realized she had no idea if Neal was speaking to her, a sleeping Henry, or August. She realized it didn't really matter; this was what she wanted. The four of them: her son, the two men she loved, and herself making up a little family. It was messy and weird and complicated and she didn't care. She'd spent her entire life searching for a place to belong, for people who loved her, and she finally had it. It was selfish to want them both but she didn't care. She wasn't ready for this and they deserved better but she knew they both well enough to know they didn't care. They'd both pine for her, selflessly waiting until she made a choice.
It was easier this way and she didn't care what other people thought: nothing about her life was traditional. Besides, it would make Henry happy and his happiness was her happiness.
"I love you, too," she replied after a moment, speaking to both of them. They'd make this work; they had to, for Henry's sake.
"We know," August whispered as he pressed his lips to her shoulder. Neal gave her his puppy-look and nodded. She realized they'd probably discussed their complicated love triangle a dozen times while stuck bunking in the tiny living room.
"We're going to need a bigger bed and apartment," she muttered.
"You can worry about that later, you need to sleep," August whispered. She nodded and snuggled against Henry. She closed her eyes and clutched their hands tightly.
"We're going to be okay, right," she whispered, needing the reassurance.
"Just like the rain," Neal responded and she groaned. She was in love with two morons and she told them just as much. August shushed her and she did her best to drift off to sleep.
She knew things weren't going to magically be fixed overnight. The three of them were going to have to work, hard, to heal, to get Henry through his trauma, and to build a life. There was going to be therapy and tears and more sleepless nights. But one day, they would get past this and they were going to do it together. Emma wasn't sure if all of the broken parts of her could be mended but she was going to try; for Henry.
And unbeknownst to Emma, the glue that would put together the fragments of their shattered little family had already taken root in her womb, healing her from within. Ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes would heal her broken spirit and allow her to trust that she was worthy of love but until then the young boy in her arms would give her a reason to keep trying.