Title: The Guide on How to Surviving Being in Love
Author: JadeRoach (aka OMFG-Roach)
Rating: PG to PG13 (see Warnings)
Genre: Romantic AU Comedy
Status: In progress
Pairings: KrissiDollie, KlaviEma, Feenris, Miego, PearlCode, DeLites, VerApollo
Summary: If your mother decided that it was time to check up on you because she's suspicious of your orientation, what would you do? Go on a fake date with your roommate of the opposite gender? That's what Iris does.
Warnings: References to adult activities, sophisticated humor (including minor Swede and Spaniard abuse; also, think 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' for the rest of the humor), and the odd joke about fish. Also language.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Good God, what the hell am I thinking, writing this?! Must be some sort of food poisoning…evil food...anyway, enjoy. While you can.
OMFG A DISCLAIMER (run for life!): I don't own anything except this story.
CHAPTER ONE: One call
Love is a funny matter when it comes to life. We fall in and out of it from time to time, we do things in the name of it, and we also write cheap stories about it.
This is, by any means, not one of those stories. It is, in fact, a very clever story about the abuse of both populations of Sweden and Spain.
It's also a cheap love story.
You see, it's a story about blind love, which is the third worst kind of love to fall in to. The second worst is love at first sight, with the absolute worst being true love.
But, ignoring all the useless blabber, it's a story that's mainly about a woman named Iris Hawthorne, whose twin sister, Dahlia Hawthorne Gavin, is married in Los Angeles to a German human rights lawyer named Kristoph Gavin and is the mother of a three-year-old girl named Lilly.
Iris' younger18-year-old stepsister, Pearl Fey , is currently on a 'ski trip' in Jamaica with her boyfriend, a rookie defense lawyer by the name of Cody Hackins who is being mentored by a veteran defense lawyer named Apollo Justice, whose wife is Vera Misham Justice, artist prodigy and mother of Apollo's 2-year-old daughter named Athena.
Iris' roommate in her apartment is a 24-year old man by the name of Phoenix Wright, a defense attorney in Baltimore and stepfather to a lovely little 4-year-old girl by the name of Trucy.
Iris is a healthy, beautiful, amazing 23-year old woman with black hair, porcelain skin, rosy lips, nice bust, great build, and overall nice frame (with black eyes) , which is all hidden underneath a bland, melancholy-filled black t-shirt and matching denim jeans. Her personality is that of a shy school girl who could be brave if the situation called for it toll-free at the number on the bottom of your screen.
It's also about how Iris fell in love blindly, which is (as noted) the third worst kind of love to fall in to, by trying to prove to her mother that she wasn't a lesbian.
You see, it all started with a phone call…
&~
"What the hell, Dahlia?!" Iris exclaimed into the phone in disbelief, "Why the hell does mother care about my love life?!"
"Oh, Rissy, don't get your panties all knotted…" Dahlia's voice smarmily replied, "You know how mother gets."
"Why couldn't mother be reasonable and retire like a normal senior citizen and move to Florida?" Iris sighed, cursing the woman who bore her and her twin.
"Mother hates Florida; she wouldn't dare do such a thing."
"Nevermind…"
"Anyway," Dahlia moved on, "Mother is going to visit the States soon. You better find a man to ward off her wrath—fast." Dahlia's tone was for once that of warning.
"Dolly, please," Iris begged, "Can't you try and have mother postpone her trip for another month or so?"
"No can do, Rissy. I've done all I could," Dahlia shot down, "It'd take a full-blown miracle to have mother change her mind."
"No…it'd take a Spaniard…" Iris countered, smirking on her end of the phone.
"Oooooh, no. You are not giving Diego a call," Dahlia scoffed.
"Too bad, I was about to see if he could use his suave tricks to have mother put off the trip for good this time…" Iris teased.
"Iris, I swear to God, if you give Diego wind of this—"
"Oh, hush. I was only joking," Iris chuckled, "Besides, he's married to Cousin Mia, and he's monogamous; best not to make him stray."
"Well, mother did throw a fit when she caught word of Mia marrying him…"
"A fit?! She nearly threw a man!"
-
It is now best to note that Morgan Fey is Iris' stepmother.
Morgan is an old woman aged at least sixty or seventy. She has gray hair that looked like a vacuum cleaner was used to blow-dry it and cold eyes that would calculate every single detail of a person. Her eyes were also good for finding the best bargains if she was turned loose in any given shopping district.
Morgan usually wore a black, floral printed kimono and had a flower of some sort in her hair.
Morgan, for some reason that science nor her stepchildren can explain, hates Spaniards. Maybe it's the suave accents, the black hair, the tanned skin, the black eyes; whatever. She just seemed to have a burning hate for all people from Spain, which barred her from ever entering the country for whatever business she might have had within its borders, and also explained the fact that she nearly threw a full-grown man out a window because her eldest niece married one of those aforementioned people.
It's good karma when talking to her to avoid topics about or involving Spain, its people, or anything remotely related to Spain.
For Iris at this point, the matter wasn't about her stepmother and Spain; it was about warding off her stepmother for as long as she could.
&~
"So," Iris began, "Any ideas on where to start looking for men?"
"The local bars are a good place to start."
"Good idea—if I want to wind up in a dumpster somewhere or I want a special order heartbreaker."
"Oh, come off it, will you! Why don't you give the local men a fighting chance?"
"It's always been the same story, Dolly: I meet Guy in a bar. I talk to Guy. I confess to Guy that I like him. Guy confesses to me that he likes me too. Guy and I go out. Guy and I break up two weeks later after Guy cheats on me."
"Well, maybe if you give Guy more leeway then he wouldn't cheat on you."
"It wouldn't matter!"
"Nevermind…wait, you room with a defense attorney, right?"
Iris was taken aback by all this. "What?"
"You room with a young defense attorney and his stepdaughter, right?" Dahlia prompted again.
"Yeah…what does Phoenix have to do with this?" Iris replied, not liking where the conversation was headed.
"Is he hot?"
"Dolly!"
"Please, tell me, is he hot?"
"Alright…yes. He's hot." Iris could feel herself blush as she said that. Phoenix was attractive, yes, but hot? That was just pushing it.
Then again, he was good-looking with those slicked black spikes of his, those piercing blue eyes—
Iris caught herself just in time before she began to mentally undress both him and herself. That would've been embarrassing.