Wingzero 76 Presents
What's in a Name?
A "Neon Genesis Evangelion" Short-fic
Written by Jeremy Mullin (wingzero_76@hotmail.com),
inspired by an episode of "M*A*S*H"
"Evangelion" characters and situations created by and
copyright GAINAX. All rights reserved, used without
permission. Please don't sue, I have no money.
Shinji, Rei, and Asuka rode down the elevator together
into NERV headquarters to meet up with Misato, Ritsuko, and
the new pilot they were getting from the States. Asuka
seemed eager to meet the newcomer, and happy that it wasn't
one of the idiots from their class. Shinji was just glad
to get some extra help, while Rei was just her usual, quiet
self.
"I wonder what the new pilot's like?" Shinji mused
aloud when the elevator stopped and the three teens got off
and began strolling down the hallway to the testing area.
He could still remember Kensuke still crying about how
unfair life was when they left school.
"Oh, I dunno," Asuka replied with a shrug. "But I'm
sure that she'll be a lot more interesting than you two
weirdoes."
"What makes you think the new pilot'll be a girl?"
Shinji asked in an annoyed tone, a scowl on his face.
"They could've gotten a boy, you know?"
"What? And get another one of you perverts to hang
around and gawk at me all day? I don't think so! I'm
pretty sure the Marduk Institute learned their lesson after
they recruited you, Third Child."
Shinji's scowl deepened on his face at Asuka's barb,
and he would've said something further except they had now
entered the testing area. Inside were Misato and Ritsuko,
along with the usual tech crew of Maya, Hyuga, and Shigeru.
Also standing there was a teenager wearing a plug
suit. A lanky-looking young man with sandy blond hair.
"Hi, guys!" Misato said cheerfully. "I'd like you to
meet the new pilot. This is B.J. Farrell, the Fourth Child
and pilot of Unit-03."
(*yes, I know this is wrong, but I'm changing things a
little to get this story going. 'zero)
"Hi, there," the boy said cheerfully with a smile on
his face, giving a friendly wave. Shinji smiled back (just
a little, though, this is Shinji), and exchanged a
handshake with the new kid. Asuka was groaning in
frustration, while Rei was as silent as ever.
"We're just about to begin a sync test for B.J. for
our records," Ritsuko said as she went over her clipboard.
"If you would..."
The American boy nodded, and walked into the test area
where the simulation plugs were located. An hour later, he
came out, the test completed with B.J. scoring a 36 percent
sync ratio. A few more minutes later after he'd changed
his clothes, he joined Misato and the other pilots for a
snack in the cafeteria.
As they sat down to eat, Shinji had to ask something
that had been on his mind all afternoon. "So, uh, B.J...
What does that stand for?"
The American just shrugged in reply. "Anything you
want." He then continued eating his slice of pie.
Shinji blinked for a moment, then shrugged, deciding
to drop it. Asuka, however, was another story.
"No, seriously, what does it stand for?" she asked.
Again, B.J. shrugged. "Like I said, anything you
want."
"Oh, come on. You can tell us." Asuka's trademark
smirk appeared on her face as she leaned closer to the new
pilot. "Why won't you tell us? Is it something
embarrassing you don't want us to know about?"
"Asuka..." Misato began warily.
B.J. finished off his pie, then stood up to return his
plate. "There's nothing to tell so drop it, okay?" He
then left the cafeteria, sipping on the soda he had bought
some more. The others left sometime later.
* * *
The next day, Asuka was back at HQ, sitting at a
computer terminal, trying to look up the personal files.
Or rather, one file in particular. The new guy's.
It bothered Asuka that the jerk wouldn't say what his
name was. At first it didn't, but as she laid in bed last
night, it kept nagging her a good reason why he wouldn't
say. So she decided to find out for herself. If she was
lucky, his name really was something embarrassing and she'd
have every right to tease him mercilessly about it.
A few minutes later, she finally found the file. She
read it over, re-read it again in surprise to make sure she
got it right, then leaned back and screamed in frustration.
"I DON'T BELIEVE IT!"
"Something the matter, Asuka?" Kaji asked as he
approached the Second Child. He had been walking by when
he heard her yell, and, curiosity getting the better of
him, deciding to see what the problem was.
For once, Asuka didn't happily leap into Kaji's arms,
but instead
just sat down and fumed. "That jerk! He won't even tell
NERV!"
"Who won't tell what, may I ask?"
"That new kid! Farrell!" Asuka replied, gesturing to
the computer screen. "According to his file, his name is
'B.J.' Just 'B.J.'!"
Kaji was confused, but he continued to grin as usual.
"But isn't that his name?"
"Yeah, but what does it stand for?!" Asuka got up to
her feet and began pacing around while Kaji began looking
at the file himself.
"Why won't he say what his name is? If he won't tell
NERV, it *must* be really embarrassing. Now where else can
I find out?" She began thinking for a moment, then an idea
popped into her head. "I got it!"
Kaji, meanwhile, had discovered something interesting.
"Um, Asuka? I think I have your answer..."
In another bit of surprise, Asuka waved him off and
began to leave. "Sorry, Kaji, no time to talk. I'm a
woman on a mission!"
Kaji watched her leave, opening his mouth to say
something, but then decided not to. Turning back to the
computer to shut it off, he smirked again. Maybe it might
be better if Asuka found out for herself? Or maybe not...
* * *
It took awhile, but Asuka had managed to get out of
B.J. some names of a few close relatives and teachers she
could write to in an effort to find out what his initials
stood for. Mainly, he did it so that she would get off his
back. Asuka's little obsession was starting to get to him,
along with everyone else. Even Rei was starting to be
annoyed, and show it, too (the obsession had gotten *that*
bad).
"Asuka, why do you have to know what B.J.'s name is so
badly?" Shinji asked as they walked back home to Misato's
apartment. "I mean, it's not that big a deal."
"It is to me, Third Child!" Asuka snapped back. "I
just have to know, okay? Who knows what those initials
stand for?"
"At this point, who cares?" Shinji grumbled annoyingly
under his breath. Finally, they reached the apartment
building, stopping to check the mail as Misato was still at
work.
"You got some letters, Asuka. From the States,"
Shinji said as he looked through the mail. His mood
brightened a little when he saw that he gotten his new
issue of "Cellist's Monthly."
"A-HA!!!" Asuka cried as she snatched the letters from
Shinji's hand. She began to tear the first one open as
B.J. approached them. He lived in their building, but in
the apartment next door, as there was no more room at
Misato's with her, Shinji, Asuka, Pen-pen, and enough
beer for Misato to open her own liquor store. Or so was
the current guess.
"What's up, guys?" he asked, cheerful as usual. This
attitude had left many to wonder if he really was an EVA
pilot. It did make him popular with the girls, though.
"Your number's up, Fourth Child!" Asuka said with an
evil grin. "The moment of truth has arrived!" She pulled
out the first letter. "And your name is... B.J.?" She
tore open the second letter, then the third, the fourth,
and finally the last two. They all said the same thing.
"I don't believe this!" Asuka cried in shock.
"Everyone I wrote to says your stupid name is B.J.!"
"Because that's my name," the American relied. "Just
as my parents named me."
"Your parents named you that? Who on Earth names
their child 'B.J.'?!"
"Simple. My mother, *Bea* Farrell, and my father,
*Jay* Farrell."
"Oh, I get it!" Shinji said. "Bea and Jay. B.J.!
Hey, that's kinda clever."
"Yeah, real clever," Asuka added as her eyebrow began
to twitch. "You expect me to believe that kind of
baloney?! Tell me what the hell 'B.J.' stands for!!!"
Once again, the Fourth Child simply shrugged and
replied, "Anything you want." Turning to Shinji, he asked,
"Hey, Shinji, you wanna play some video games at my place?"
Shinji shrugged after a moment and replied, "Um, yeah,
okay." And the two boys left Asuka to stand there fuming,
until, finally after they had gone up on the elevator...
"*AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!*"
Epilogue
Asuka Langley-Sohryu's obsession with B.J.'s name
finally went overboard and she had to be committed to NERV
psychiatric ward. In that time, the remaining Angels
attacked but were easily defeated by Shinji, Rei, B.J., and
Asuka's replacement, Toji Suzuhara. The attack of the
Fifteenth Angel gave Rei the ability to experience
emotions, and she and Shinji began dating and even stopped
Gendo and SEELE's plans for Third Impact together. They
got married after high school, and had three children, with
a fourth on the way. B.J. returned to the States and
married his own high school sweetheart, while Toji married
Hikari. Kensuke went into the military, while Misato kept
going on an 'on-again-off-again' relationship with Kaji.
Ritsuko was killed by Gendo during the beginning of Third
Impact, while he himself was crushed by falling debris from
Unit-01 crashing into Terminal Dogma.
And Asuka?
Inside her room at the sanitarium, a woman with wild
red hair and wearing a straight jacket muttered through the
barred teeth of her insane grin, "What does it stand for...
what does it stand for... what does it stand for..."
You get the idea.
End
Well, that's the end of my story, a little something I
wrote in about an hour and a half. As I said, I was trying
to be funny, so if any characters are OOC, sorry. Besides,
it wasn't like I was trying to be serious.
Also like I said, this was inspired by an episode of
"M*A*S*H" where Hawkeye becomes obsessed with finding out
the name of his friend and fellow doctor, B.J. Hunnicutt.
It went pretty much the same way, only Hawkeye didn't go
nuts at the end and had to be committed. That was my own
personal twist. ^_^ My apologies to Asuka fans who I hope
don't string me up and flame me for what I did. Like I
said, I was trying to be funny.
Write to the above address and tell me what you think.
"Double or Nothing" part 4 should be out soon (I hope),
providing I can get those creative juices flowing between
school and work. I'm also working out a couple other, more
serious "Eva" projects that will remain secret at this
time. Until next time...
Updated notes: I didn't change this much, other than
the change in my e-mail address (circumstances forced me to
change my moniker), and a few grammar corrections. Aside
from that, I'm still the same guy. Just don't expect any
"Gundam" fics from me anytime soon. Wait until I get an
idea or two.
For those wondering about my "Ranma" fic, "Double or
Nothing", that is undergoing a revision. I guess I was
never really satisfied with the original product, which is
probably why I didn't put anything new out. Or I was just
plain lazy. Take your pick. At any rate, I should have it
out soon, hopefully a little better than the first time
around.
Later...