"Tohru Enters the Crazy Sohma Family"
Fruits Basket: Chapter 1 Parody
Introduction: As a foreword, I will not be posting stories for a long while (say a month or so) because of internet access problems. If, by luck, I manage to sneak in a story here or there at some random times of the month, don't even ask about it. It's a Netzero thing. I'm planning to make the whole series as a parody (only if enough people review and say that they would like it to continue) Crazy? No. Too much time on your hands? Yes.
I'm starting to find it harder to make my Fruits Basket humorous stories funny. Maybe I'm growing older…maybe that's why…(eyes shift left to right, then back to left, then back to right, and on and on…) After I finished writing it, I read the thing and found that (in my opinion) the story's humor progresses as a stronger humorous piece as the plot line continues.
Last but not least, please read and review. Thanks a lot. (Don't be freaked from the length of this story.)
Jun. 21, 2005I have changed this story's format, so it is no longer in script form. Well, I will thank reviewers now and try to post up the next chapter.
Note: this thank reviewers stuff is from haruko sohma, so…uh…check out her stories!
Kute Anime Kitty: Cool. You're a hunter - I'm not. Haha. I'm glad that you liked my story. The deer hunt thing came about in my first story called "The Deer Hunt". Hmm…come to think of it, I don't know where the deer hunt idea came from. It just popped in my head. (shrugs) Thanks for reviewing.
haruko sohma: I'm glad you liked this chapter. I like your stories too, even though I've told you dozens of times. Thanks.
DarkEvinna: Hey, thanks for reviewing two of my stories. I'm glad you liked it. I just hope chapter 2 will be just as funny or better. It'll be different because there will be no script format…TTAnd that's all! Sorry for the long intro.
Narrator says, "There was once a basket of fruits that no one ate. Soon, this basket of fruits became garbage, and then into a fascinating series called Fruits Basket."
Star Wars music
Words: Long, long ago, in a city not far, there is a girl named Tohru Honda. Her parents are dead. Her cat is dead. Only her deaf grandpa and her suicidal family, are there to not support her life because they cannot support their own. She lives in a rich tent, where she has pet slugs and hallucinates that her mother's picture is alive. This is her story…
Star Wars music louder.
screen grows black.
Tohru says, "Goodbye Mom! Take care of this castle while I'm in school! Bye!"
Mom says, "Goodbye, Honey! Oh! I still can't believe I'm still on Earth after I died."
Tohru sees house.
Tohru says, "Oh! I never knew someone lived here!"
Tohru sees the zodiac rocks.
Tohru says, "Why are there rocks on this table! I better brush them off for someone."
Clack. Clack.
Shigure says, "Ah! What are you doing?"
"Someone put rocks—"
"My masterpieces! Ruined! There's dirt on it!"
"I'm sorry!"
Shigure rubs it off on his clothes.
Shigure freaks out, "Ah! My clothes! So full of dirt!"
Shigure rubs it off on the floor.
Shigure is even more freaked out, "The floor! Now it's full of dirt."
"There's still dirt on—"
Shigure screams, "My shirt is dirty! The rocks are dirty! The floor is dirty!" He starts to hyperventilate. "Oh my gosh! (sounds like a strange girl) Like…oh my gosh!"
"Calm down."
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh –"
BONK!
Yuki lifts the backpack back up slowly from Shigure's head, "That's what you do when he hyperventilates. Hello, Miss Honda."
"Hello," Tohru says surprised.
Shigure asks calmly, "What do you have in that backpack?"
"Five little chocolates, four turtledoves, three people to kiss, two dictionaries, and a man in a nut tree."
Shigure: O.o
Yuki asks Tohru, "Want to walk to school with me?"
Shigure, being a little crazy as he always is, jumps to answer, "I'd love to!"
Yuki replies angrily, "Not you! I'm talking to Tohru! Tohru?"
Shigure points to the door, "I think she's gone."
Three people's heads poke out of Yuki's backpack and say, "Quickly go to school! We can't miss our first class."
Yuki runs to Tohru.
"Tohru!" Yuki yells out.
Tohru's thought speaks, "Oh no! That crazy man is here! I better speed walk! Let me remember the tips in Mom's exercising class…"
(flashback)
Trainer (a fat lady with a chocolate bar in her hand) states lethargically, "The one thing you must always remember is to eat something while speed walking."
A trainee raises his hand and asks, "But what if you gain more calories from eating than you do to burn it off?"
"Then starve!"
Trainee is confused, yet so hungry.
(end of flashback)
Tohru thought, "Oh! I don't have a candy bar! Wait…my power bar!"
Munch munch munch.
Yuki has a power bar in his hand to and waves his arms, "Wait, Tohru!"
Tohru thought, "Darn! He's got a power bar! (sees Segway) I can use the Segway!"
Segway: a machine where you stand on it and by leaning forward the machine goes forward.
Tohru yells to the owner of the Segway, "Help! I need Segway!"
She throws the power bar behind her, which lands in Yuki's mouth.
Yuki smiles and says, "Mmm…eaten power bar…"
Tohru is on Segway and going away.
Yuki has superpowers, so he extra-speed walks to keep up with the Segway.
A segway voice comes out of the machine, saying, "I'm…dying…(voice is lower)dying…(lowest)dying…"
Spark! POW! The Segway is in flames.
Tohru screams, "Ah!" and jumps off and lands in Yuki's arms.)
Yuki with a smile on his face said, "I caught you!"
Tohru freaks out and says, "Ahhh! Crazy man! Go away from me!"
"Wait! Tohru! Let me walk with you."
Tohru thought, "Fine. Just walk with him. Just make sure he doesn't mug you."
Yuki thinks, "I think she thinks that I think that I will mug her. Well she doesn't know is that I'm going to try to mug her! Mugging is fun! I love muggles! I like mugs. I'm off topic. Must concentrate on mugging."
Her face lightens up, "So…haha….how's life?"
A man from the distance screams and says, "Ah! My Segway!"
Yuki turns his head back to Tohru, "Same old, same old."
He thought, "That's it, Yuki! Catch her unaware! Why am I referring myself to the third person?"
They enter their school.
Yuki walks away, "Goodbye, Tohru!"
Tohru waves her hand uneasily, "Goodbye…"
Yuki quickly took off his backpack, "Oh yeah! The three people in my backpack!"
Three people get out and chase after Tohru.
Girl1 says in a very snobby way, "Hey, Tohru, why were you walking with the Prince to school today?"
"What prince? I was walking with that madman! You know he has four people in his backpack."
The girls are confused.
Girl2 barked, "We want an explanation!"
"Well, leave me alone! So many crazy people in the world!"
Girl3 stuck her face close to Tohru's and said, "That still doesn't explain your presence with him!"
Uo appears magically from nowhere and yells, "Hey!"
Girls scream, "Ah!"
Uo eyed them, "Do you want to play or what?"
Trembling, the girls utter out soft words, "We…don't want any…tro—"
Hana eyed them as well, "I think, you'll have fun playing…"
Girls run away in fright.
Uo looked at Hana, "Good job, Hana! You have to scare them! All we want to do is play Rich Man, Poor Man!"
"I'm sorry." (her brain zaps the girls.)
Uo is confused, "Why are you zapping them?"
Hana is shocked, "You can see what my mind does?"
She grins, "You're not the only X-men."
Tohru is very confused at this point, "Huh?"
Uo coughs, "Ahem…nothing."
"I'm going to be late! I'll see you guys later!" Tohru runs down the hallway.
Uo&Hana wave, "Bye."
Uo smiles at Hana, "Ready to go to class X-men style?"
"Yes."
Uo teleports and Hana brainwashes the teacher into falling asleep to not hear the bell ring.
Teacher thinks, "Why all of a sudden I need to go to sleep? Oh well…Zzzzzz."
Uo and Hana can both talk to each other through telepathy.
Uo telepathically told Hana Hana, we'll have to tell Tohru someday.
Hana nodded I agree.
The end of the day came and Tohru goes to work.
Tohru gets up from her seat because the bus is coming.
Bus passes her.
"You idiot! I need to go to work!" She throws her shoe at the back window. The car swerves and crashes into a bank where two robbers rob the bank and rob Yuki who was passing by.
"My money that I mugged from Tohru!" Yuki shouted.
"My money that Yuki mugged from me!"
There were three police men right outside the bank.
Police1 said, "What does 'mug' mean?"
Police2 replied, "You know kids these days. Always making up words."
Police3 pointed at the crooks, "Uh, aren't you going to chase the crooks, Chief?"
Police1 blinked, "Huh? Crooks? Let's get on it, boys!"
Police car drives away.
Tohru arrives to work with one shoe missing.
She then goes to her tent.
Tohru thought, "How am I going to take a shower?"
She gets out of the tent.
Shigure and Yuki look down at her.
Shigure laughs, "Ahahahahaha!"
Yuki gives Shigure a scowled face, even though he can't see it. Yuki said, "That's not funny, Shigure. Be nice."
"NO! It's just, someone's tickling me!"
"No one's tickling you."
Shigure turns around.
Shigure smiles and waves, "Hi, Bob! I want you to meet Tohru!"
Yuki tells Tohru, "Shigure is talking to his imaginary friend."
"Bob is not imaginary!"
"Whatever."
"Hi," said Bob.
Yuki invites Tohru to live with them, "Come to our house."
Tohru, tired from all the chaos today, agrees, "Okay."
They arrive at the house.
"Sleep," Yuki commanded.
"Okay," tohru said in a tired voice while obediently going to the bed.
"Eat," Yuki sets a plate of food next to the bed.
"Okay."
Shigure pops out.
Shigure, holding a knife in a stabbing position, screams, "DIE!"
Tohru is freaked out, "AHHHHHH!"
Shigure does stabbing motions.
Yuki takes second knife and does stabbing motions.
"AHHHHH!" Tohru screams once more and then…faints.
Shigure places his hands on his hips and says proudly, "Ah! That makes everyone fall asleep."
"Except that old man who fell asleep for eternity." (The old man died.)
"Yeah. Poor old man."
"Let's get her stuff."
"Me and Bob will help you!"
"No. I've got my rat friends."
"Okay."
Next morning came. Tohru wakes and walks to the kitchen.
She sees blood.
"AHHH!" she screams.
Shigure is chopping up fresh deer.
Shigure said with a smile on his face, "Hey! I went deer hunting! Want some?" (SPLATTER SPLATTER)
"Ahhh!"
Yuki enters the kitchen with handfuls of luggages, "Tohru, I have your stuff."
Tohru sees her frame of her mother.
"Why is the glass covering broken?"
"Uh…"
(flashback)
Yuki says, "Look, friends! I found a picture of her mother!"
An alien space craft appears.
Captain says, "Captain's log, 123,456; I am so very tired…"
Captain comes out.
Captain, suddenly not tired, brings out his photon gun and yell out, "Die, mouse boy!"
"Not you again!" Yuki takes out his own photon gun. "Eat photons!"
"You eat photons!"
Both beams of photons hit each other.
Captain&Yuki both say simultaneously, "The photons are too bright!"
Yuki yelled, "Turn off your photon!"
Captain stupidly says, "Okay."
The gun turns off. Yuki's photon hits the Captain.
Captain says, "Why did I listen to him!"
Captain was wearing a shiny armor, so it reflected off and hit the picture of Mom to crisps.
Yuki runs away.
Soldier runs out of the space craft and say, "Captain Crunch? OH! Who will wake up our morning with fun cereal now?"
Yuki calls Hana on his cell phone, "Hana!"
Hana says, "Yes, Yuki?"
"I need you to use your X-men powers to turn this pile of ash into Tohru's picture of her mom."
"Don't worry. I'll give you an exact duplicate. Come over to my house."
"Got it!"
Yuki runs to Hana's house, through rough terrain, through yards, through busy intersections where a "super dog" directed an evil villain into which caused six car accidents (more people died from super dog's action than if the villain lived. This villain landed on Yuki, but Yuki became the Hulk and pushed the villain off him.), then through the door that tried to squish him and into Hana's room, where Hana was doing target practicing with her Zap Zap powers.
Hana sees a stressed out, sweating Yuki and asks calmly, "Are you alright?"
"I just had to turn into the Hulk at one point," Yuki managed to say in between big gasps for air.
"I have the picture." She opens closet where thousands of the same picture fill it up. She hands one of them to Yuki. "Here."
Yuki is freaked out.
"Th-thank you-u."
"You better go before I come to zap some more –" The door shuts instantly and Yuki runs out with arms flailing in the air.
Yuki runs through the block with cats chasing him and one of them is Kyou running on all fours in human form, then through the same intersection where twelve more accidents occur because Captain Crunch came to "crunchitize" more people, through the bridge that was closing, through a small riot, a gang fight, Christmas carolers, homeless grabbing him for money, and finally back home where Tohru screamed about deer. Yes, it took him all night to get the picture, but because of Yuki's adventure through the city, the glass part of the frame cracked.
(end of flashback)
Yuki's eyes are wide.
Yuki shoves the picture to Tohru, "Just take the damn thing! I went through hell to get it for you!"
"Thank you."
Shigure is still chopping the fresh meat, "Want delicious deer?"
Yuki replied a simple, "No."
Deer, with vocal difficulties, trembled out the words, "I'm still alive…"
Yuki and Tohru both go, "Gah!"
Shigure takes knife and stabs it to hell.
Deer screams from pain, "Ahhh!"
Tohru is freaked out.
Yuki folds his arms together, "You'll get used to it."
Kyou jumps through the ceiling.
"Hey! I'm going to beat you today, Yuki."
Yuki stated angrily, "Stop destroying everything! You already destroyed the bathroom just by using it!"
"That was Shigure!"
Shigure whistles.
"It's not my fault! Tell Shigure to stop the world wars!" Kyou points at Shigure.
"You stop destroying the house!" Yuki stammered.
Kyou's eyes grow wide, "Ah! I see the Captain Crunch guy!"
Captain Crunch by the window in a wooden ship whistles and says, "I'm here to crunchitize your morning!"
Everyone screams, "AHHHHHHH! NOT HIM!"
Kyou just realized something, "I just ate his cereal."
Tohru hides behind Kyou and says, "It's the man who tries to steal my stuff every night!" She tries to run away but slips and falls on Kyou.
Poof.
Shigure wants to kill Captain Crunch so he's about to stab him, but Tohru lands on Yuki and Shigure and they too, became animals.
Hana is passing by and sees Captain Crunch.
"That old man is back! I've got to stop him."
Hana zaps Crunch's ass.
Crunch screams in a high voice, "Yow!" and disappears.
Hana, still in her usual calm state, sees this disappearance, "Hmm…"
Ding dong.
Tohru runs down to the door and opens it.
"They're all animals!"
The man at the door had just fought with his wife that morning, so he becomes angry. "Oh! So now you're trying to tell me I'm an idiot? Well you know what? Go to hell! Here's your bill!"
Dog takes it.
The man impressions a fake smile and says, "Have a good day! And, just to let you know, the waitress spat in those breakfast boxes!"
Tohru scratches her head in frustration and mostly in confusion, "Explanation?"
Everyone turns back to human.
Kyou points at Yuki, "Haha! You have no clothes on, Yuki!"
"What are you laughing about? You don't have any either!" he replied in a matter-of-fact manner.
"I know that!" Kyou blabbered.
"You're an idiot!"
"You're an idiot too!"
Tohru is closing her eyes and facing a corner of the room, "Put some clothes on!"
They put clothes on and Shigure attempts…magic word 'attempts'…to explain all this to Tohru. He explains it, but Yuki and Kyou makes this explanation not as scary as he makes it sound.
"And that's it!" shigure said with a smile.
Tohru is shivering with eyes wide open.
Shigure, unsure of what to do, takes a knife in stabbing motion and says, "DIE!"
Yuki and Kyou takes knives too and say, "DIE!"
Akito pops out from nowhere and takes knife, "DIE!"
Tohru is freaked out again, "AHHHHH!" and faints.
Shigure says, "That should calm her down."
Yuki asks, "Where did you come from, Akito?"
Akito is still in a hyper state so he does stabbing motion and says, "DIE!"
Everyone else scream, "AHHHHHHH!" and faints.
Akito laughs, "Muahaha….Muaha…MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"
The next day came.
They explained everything to Tohru again while Akito hunted deer in the back yard, which freaked Tohru throughout the whole explanation.
Tohru added, "Oh, and yes. My family said that I can move back to their home again."
Everyone was disappointed, "Aw."
"Goodbye. Thank you for…everything?"
She leaves.
Kyou punches the table which broke in two, "We've got to get her back!"
Shigure gets up, "Let's go!"
Yuki says, "Tomorrow morning!"
Everyone agrees, "Yeah!"
Akito shouted happily, "yeah! I shot you down, you stupid deer!" Deer gets up. "So you want more, huh?" (POW POW!)
Everyone else is freaked.
The next day came.
The three came crashing in – literally.
Yuki said angrily, "Shigure, don't crash the car!"
Shigure, with red veined eyes, crashes the car into the side of the house!
Kyou says, "You idiot! That's our own house!"
Shigure says, "That was practice for the real target!"
Grandpa rings a bell, "Oh Tohru!"
Man rings a bell too, "tohru!"
Woman rings a bell too, "tohru!"
Tohru is running down a long flight of stairs, "I'm coming! I'm coming!"
Mice1 stamps his foot on the ground, "Cinderella, Cinderella! Always calling her by name! She never gets a break!"
Mice2 suddenly realizes that something is wrong, "I think we're in the wrong movie."
Mice's eyes grow wide.
Camera focus zooms in on their frightened eyes.
People scream, "AHHH!"
Car crashes into the house.
Yuki immediately goes out of the car after the crash, "Tohru! You're coming with us!"
Man grabs Tohru's arm to bring her closer to him, "Hey, you can't take her away!"
Kyou climbs out of the window of the car, "Get off of her, you BEAST! Yaaaaah!"
Kyou runs to the Man and Man screams.
Yuki points at the Man, "You better not call her Tohru-chan anymore like you are her friend."
Man confused, "You're a girl?"
Still in a fighting mode, Kyou continues to scream and fight, "I'll kill you for touching her, you beast!"
Fights.
Man screams.
Yuki says, "Kyou! Stop!"
"Don't interrupt, Yuki! I'm fighting with THE BEAST!"
Man screams.
Shigure comes in with a knife with stabbing motion, "DIE!"
Man and Kyou scream, "AHHHH!"
They faint.
Yuki says, "Let's go."
Kyou comes out of faint and walks home with Tohru while Shigure steals "The Beast's" car and accidentally crashes into a bank where 100 robbers robbed the bank, with Shigure as one of them.
(Shigure, with his favorite knife in his hand, says, "Rob! Rob! Die! Die!")
Kyou says, "It's okay to not be perfect, Tohru."
Tohru replies, "I know that. Tell that to Yuki."
They walk home and found that their money amount increased with Shigure sitting on a gold couch with gold clothes and jewelry on him and a money sign necklace.
"Hello," Shigure greeted them.
Tohru looks out the window and screams, "AHHH!"
Akito drives the limo into a deer that hit the back door window (deer with tongue sticking out, eyes popping out) in blood, and Tohru was standing right next to the window and Yuki was playing haunting music on the Church organ that Shigure also stole.
Akito laughs, "We are not starving tonight! MUAHAHAHAHA!"
THE END.
Please read and review. I would really appreciate your opinion. Thanks to those who read this far and especially those who read it and reviewed. Thanks.