This story was written years ago, but accidentaly never published. Today it is dedicated to Doctor and The Wild Man thread on GW for Intensions Day. The characters do not belong to me, I just borrowed them and played with them for a while. Thanks Misi for beating the story! Reviews appreciated :)

Life keeps tumbling your heart in circles

till you... Let go.

Till you shed your pride, and you climb to heaven,

and you throw yourself off.

Now you're out there spinning...

In the deep…

(Bird York - In The Deep)

Chapter 1

It was a warm afternoon. Ronon was staring out of the window and wasn't paying attention to Mr. Woolsey who was trying to inform them about all news in Atlantis. He didn't want to be at this briefing, but knew it was mandatory. He liked these calm days on Atlantis, when he was exploring the city or just sitting with Sheppard outside. He really didn't want to spend one of those rare days in the conference room. But Woolsey was very particular about that and Ronon couldn't remember the last time he had a free Friday afternoon.

Woolsey closed his notebook and looked around. Ronon realized with a slight amusement that he wasn't the only one who wasn't listening. It was two hours already so who would be surprised.

"As you all already know," Woolsey started. "Our new CMO, Doctor Filipe, is pregnant."

Ronon frowned. He hoped it would be over sooner. Why should he be listening about the personal lives of the others here? He glanced at John and saw the same bored expression. He even exchanged a look with Teyla who just shrugged. Well, even Woolsey couldn't hold them there for the whole day. At least he hoped so.

"She was here only for two months and now we had to find someone new for this position. I thought about some of our doctors here; they know the situation and they all are very capable, but unfortunately my suggestion was rejected."

"Do you know who they're sending?" John asked. "I'm afraid that their choices are still getting worse. I hope it won't be another boy with rich parents."

Woolsey looked at him. "I admit that Doctor Harrison wasn't a good pick, but Doctor Filipe is well qualified for the position. She could stay if she wanted, but she requested for the transfer yesterday. She wants be at home with her husband."

"Yeah, she hasn't seen him for two months," John chuckled. "How could they miss her delicate state or health?"

"Colonel Sheppard, please," Woolsey said, giving him a reproachful look.

"Sorry, sir."

"So, I tried to persuade them that we need someone who is able to do this job. I believe this time we are really getting the best doctor."

Woolsey took a deep breath. "Doctor Jennifer Keller has asked for her reassignment to Atlantis recently and I accepted the offer. She knows most of you, she knows Atlantis. And she was the one who started with the anti-feeding treatment."

Ronon swallowed. He wasn't sure if he heard correctly. Jennifer Keller left Atlantis two years ago with McKay and he knew they got married on the Earth. He hadn't seen her since then and he hoped he wouldn't have to see her again.

"And what about McKay?" John asked. "I thought he went back to Area 51."

"I did ask about Doctor McKay," Woolsey said. "The answer I got was that this transfer doesn't concern him. He is staying on the Earth."

John and Teyla exchanged a surprised look. Ronon didn't look at anyone. His mind was back to that day he found out that she and McKay had become a couple. He didn't want to know why McKay was not coming back. Actually, he would be more comfortable with McKay coming back. This was just wrong.

"I hope you all will welcome her back. I know that it wasn't easy when they left, and we had some disagreements, especially with doctor McKay, but you also know that she is a professional. Please, forget about the past. We still have important things to do." He looked at them and shook his had. "You can go now, that's all."

Ronon didn't move. He couldn't believe Jennifer was coming back. It was two years and he could come to terms with all that happened. He should have. She moved on and got married. Damned, she left the Atlantis cause of McKay.

He felt someone's hand on his shoulder. He looked at Teyla, who was watching him with worries in her eyes. "Are you ok?" She asked silently. Although she didn't know most of the story, she was very well aware of his loss when Jennifer left.

"Yeah," he said and got up. "Sorry, I have a report to finish." They both knew it was a lie.

He knew Teyla tried to be kind but he didn't need that. He needed no one. He just wanted to be alone and think. Two years. It was two years ago and he still could see her face in front of him. The sadness in her eyes when she was turning away from him the last time. Her beautiful, good smelling hair when he hugged her to say goodbye. Her smile. And now she was coming back.

He accepted that she chose Rodney. Although he didn't understand what she saw at him, he was ready to be her friend. He didn't blame her for that. He was avoiding her for a few weeks but finally they started to talk to each other again. He didn't stop to love her, but he was content with what he had. He was even able to get on with McKay quite well.

One day, McKay got the offer to go back to the Earth and work on some special project. Ronon didn't care about that a lot, but it must have been something really big, because Rodney didn't hesitate at all. He and Sheppard then had a big argument about it, but McKay didn't change his mind. Jennifer decided to go with him, although Ronon was sure she wasn't fond of it.

It was all understandable and acceptable. Till the last evening. He was now staring at his door just like the day before she left; it was like he was waiting for her to knock and come in again. He could see her opening the door uncertainly, obviously afraid of his reaction. He was surprised; she was the last person he would expect to come.

"Can I..." she started nervously.

"Come in," he said. He pointed at a chair at the window.

"Thank you." She looked at him with her magic eyes and he rather turned his head away. It was still dangerous to be with her alone. She sat on the chair and sighed. He sat on his bed, not very close to her. He needed some space.

"I came to say goodbye," she said.

He nodded. "Yeah, of course."

"Ronon, please," she said. This time he raised his head and looked at her firmly. She didn't look like someone who is happily in love heading for his new home. Not at all. He saw a lot of emotions in her eyes; the eyes were always betraying her.

"What," he said.

"I don't wanna talk about tomorrow," she said and bit her lip.

He was watching her, confused about her presence in his room. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I wanted to see you," she admitted. "I just need to know... Need to know that you are ok." He knew it wasn't just this. She wouldn't go to his quarters if she wanted to ask him about that. She could have done it many times before.

"I'm fine," he muttered. It didn't persuade even him.

"Well, I am not," she said, ignoring his words. "I am not fine with how this all ended. I never wanted to be mean. I just..."

"You don't have to say anything," he interrupted her. "I think you should go back. I am sure he is wondering where you are and it's getting late." He hated himself for using that tone. She was trying to be nice. She didn't realize how painful the whole situation was for him.

"I know," she said. They both knew too well ever since the time she started the relationship with Rodney, he didn't almost let her get out of his sight. She didn't go anywhere without him and he especially didn't want her to spend time with Ronon.

"Sorry," he apologized, starring at his hands. He really was sorry; she didn't deserve that from him.

"You're right. He is a bit... inquisitive."

"I have no right to judge him," he said. "I hope you both will be happy back at home."

She twitched. "This is my home."

Ronon snorted. "Not anymore."

"It is. Even if I leave, it will be." She looked at him again. "I'm sorry."

"That's ok," he repeated. He didn't want her to be sorry for him.

"You know that I will miss you, don't you?" she whispered.

"Well, you have McKay to cheer you up." He wanted to slap himself. He shouldn't be saying things like that. He should be happy for her because she had what she wanted. But that still didn't explain why she was sitting here with him.

"I was afraid," she said. "I still am."

"Why?" he asked.

"Ronon, you are so different, it could never... We could never... I don't understand you. It would never work."

He sucked a breath in. "Jennifer, don't." He had to cut her off.

"Please, listen to me. This time you must listen to me." She looked almost desperate, sitting there tightened and nervous, but also determined. He wasn't able to tell her no, like many times before. She had no notion of how much an influence she had on him. He would go everywhere if she asked him to. He would do anything. Now he returned her the look and nodded. She smiled so slightly that he almost missed it.

"Rodney is safe. He loves me. I needed to be loved by someone I can trust. By someone I can understand."

"That reason is as good as any else," he said, because she evidently expected some reaction from him.

"No, it's not. At first I was happy; I wanted to be happy. I can't say that I don't love him. But I am afraid that is not what I want at most, with all my heart. It should be that way and it's not. Am I stupid?"

"No." She could never be stupid. He just wished she chose someone else to talk about it.

"I thought Rodney is what I want. He is so smart and..."

"It's not me you should be telling that to. Tell him what you think."

"No, actually it is you who I want to talk to. Since the beginning."

He had no answer to that. Nothing has changed.

"I need to know what you think. I am so sorry, Ronon, so sorry. I wish I could just..."

She blinked, trying to repel the tears in her eyes, but she failed. His heart almost stopped. He didn't want her to cry. He could imagine that this moment must have been incredibly difficult for her. But he still didn't know what she expected from him.

"Jennifer, you're leaving tomorrow," he said. He wanted to remind that to himself as much as to her.

"I know. That's why I'm here today."

"You're leaving with McKay, What do you think I'm gonna say?"

"Something," she blurted. "I want you to say something. Why don't you try and stop me? Why don't you do anything?"

"You're leaving," he repeated for the third time.

She closed her eyes. "I haven't left yet," she said.

"Doesn't matter," he said and got up. She followed him immediately, watching him the whole time. When she touched his arm, he looked back at her.

"This is wrong," he said. It was and they both knew it. She should be with McKay right now; she should be packing or doing something similar. She shouldn't be gazing at him with her watery eyes.

"No," she refused. "Please."

He couldn't turn away. He had already lost the battle. He couldn't send her away. Really nothing changed. He knew it was a mistake. But when he kissed her, he wasn't thinking about the consequences. He forgot about McKay. He forgot about the next day. It was just now. She was there with him, in his arms, in his heart. For that moment she belonged to him.