BRINGING YOU HOME
Summary: Tag to 10x03. There were a lot of things Dean had done these past months that he didn't know how to fix. However, Sam hadn't taken very good care of himself while being on his own, and if there was one thing Dean did know how to fix, it was his little brother. Drunk!/Exhausted!Sam, Caring!/Big-brother!Dean.
Author's note: Okay, even though I know a lot of excellent tags have already been written to this episode, I felt like one more version of the story needed to be told. However, I've been so busy that I haven't been able to finish the story until now - therefore, I almost discarded it. But I have chosen to post it after all, so I hope you guys will like it.
-Elisa
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"I don't care if we have our house, or a cliff ledge, or a cardboard box. Home is wherever we all are, together."
- James Patterson
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"Welcome back, Dean."
The moment the words left Sam's mouth, it was like a heavy weight was lifted from his shoulders. The past weeks, ever since Dean died and then disappeared (only later to turn back up in Sam's life as a demon), had taken quite a toll on the youngest Winchester, and it wasn't until now – in this very moment where he'd finally got his big brother back – that Sam realized just how much it had all worn him out.
With eyes misting with unshed tears, it took everything in Sam not to collapse right then and there, but instead move forward to release Dean from the ropes that bound him to the chair in the middle of the devil's trap.
"Sammy?" Dean muttered, confused and rather wary green eyes searching for his as Sam crouched down in front of him and started working on the bindings. "What.. I don't understand.."
"It's okay, Dean. Everything's okay now." Sam said without taking his eyes off his task - hands shaking as he freed first one arm and then Dean's other arm as well.
"Sam.." Dean all but pleaded and, the moment the last knot was undone, Dean's hands shot up to cup Sam's cheeks, forcing his little brother to look at him.
"Sammy, tell me, what did I do?" Dean asked with desperation in his voice. "What did I do?"
"Dean.." Sam began but was cut off as Dean lightly shook him.
"Damn it, Sam, did I.. Oh God, I did.. I hurt you." Dean said, his whole body visibly trembling as his brain was trying to catch up with everything that had happened over the past weeks. "Shit, I even tried to kill you!"
Dean's voice was cracking but before Sam could as much as answer his brother, the younger Winchester gasped as Dean suddenly collapsed against him – the whole trauma of going through the cure becoming too overwhelming for the older brother's mind and body, making him lose consciousness.
"Cas!" Sam panted as he tried to hold up Dean's weight with his good arm - his legs shaking from the exertion of it from his crouched position in front of the chair.
While Sam cursed his injured shoulder, the angel rushed to Sam's side and helped the younger brother - pushed Dean back into the chair and relieved Sam from the pressure of holding up all of Dean's weight on his own.
"It's the cure, Sam." Castiel explained. "His body needs time to catch up with all that has happened."
"I know." Sam said, tired green eyes meeting Castiel's blue ones for a second before Sam grabbed one of Dean's limp arms and dragged it across his shoulders. "Just.. help me get him to his room, okay?"
Cas nodded shortly and grabbed Dean's other arm, and together they managed to get Dean out of the dungeon, down the corridors, and settled on the bed in his room – all the while the big brother remained unconscious.
There was something very unnerving to Sam by the sight of Dean positioned on his bed like this; eyes closed and body completely still – an almost precise copy of what Dean had looked like when Sam had carried his dead brother to his room and placed his corpse on the very same bed barely two months earlier. However, it was a little easier to bear now that the oldest Winchester at least wasn't bloody and bruised like he'd been the last time, and Sam found some solace in that fact.
With legs that were barely able to hold him up any longer, Sam sat down on the edge of the bed and couldn't help but stare at his older brother – or, more specifically, at the steady rise and fall of his big brother's chest by every breath Dean took. Sam felt his own chest tighten painfully and tried to swallow against the emotion that suddenly bubbled to the surface by the thought of finally having his brother back – human and alive – and it all became too overwhelming.
Sam didn't register exactly when Cas had left the room, but he figured the angel probably left right around the time tears finally ran freely down the young hunter's cheeks, dripped off his chin and decorated his shirt in a pattern of wet dots. He didn't care though - didn't care about any of it. Not about the fact that he was crying or whether or not Cas had seen it – didn't care even if the goddamn world was falling apart around him. All that mattered to him right now was Dean, and God help anyone who tried to tell him differently!
Sam let out a humorless laugh and wiped at his running nose and eyes. It had taken him too damn long to admit to himself how much of a hypocrite he had been when he had told Dean, after the whole ordeal with Gadreel possessing him, that he wouldn't have done the same thing if the situation had been reversed. Sure, Sam wished that Dean had found another way to save him, but he realized now how desperate the older brother had been when Sam was on the verge of dying right in front of him. And despite what Sam had said to Dean, of course it had been a big fat lie – Sam had wanted his brother to hurt just as much as he was hurting at the time. However, he had now proved, once and for all, that he too made desperate decisions in order to save his brother. Hell, there wasn't anything he wouldn't do for his big brother, and if he'd had to bend a few rules along the way, then so be it.
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When Dean came to, he found Sam dozing next to him - half sitting, half lying against the headboard of the bed, head turned towards the older brother. Dean stayed where he was for a little while, trying to comprehend what had happened to him and why Sam had chosen to camp out in his room. It wasn't easy to get his mushy brain to work though. Dean's body felt heavy and a killer headache pounded inside his skull - making it a challenge for him to move a muscle without intensifying the pain. God, he felt like crap.
Dean started to move into a different position on the bed – carefully, as not to move his aching body too much and to avoid waking up Sam. He hadn't moved more than a few inches though before Sam's eyes opened and the younger brother shot up from the bed with a loud gasp, wide eyes darting around the room as if to spot possible threats.
"Dude." Dean said, raising a questioning eyebrow as Sam's wild look settled on him. "Chill."
"Dean?" Sam asked in a rusty voice, blinked a few times at his older brother and then cleared his throat – visibly relaxed a tad when he sensed no immediate danger, and suddenly looked rather drained to Dean. "How, um.. How are you feeling?"
Dean hesitated for a moment as he tried to collect his scattered mind, slowly moved into a sitting position on the bed and rubbed at his temples – trying to force the damn headache away.
"I feel like someone used my head as a frigging drum set." Dean sighed, then looked up at his younger brother as he was hit by a wave of guilt. "Sam, these past weeks I've done some.. horrible things."
"You were a demon." Sam said and Dean snorted out a humorless laugh.
"So? That doesn't make it right." He said. "What I did to those people.. What I did to you.. It's inexcusable."
Dean let out a shaky breath, closed his eyes and when he opened them back up again to look at his brother, they were wet.
"What am I supposed to do, Sammy?" He asked with despair in his voice. "How am I ever gonna make things right again?"
The older brother shook his head and cast his eyes down, and the defeated look on Dean's face became too much for Sam to handle. Before he even knew what he was doing, Sam had moved to Dean's side, pulled his brother up from the bed and wrapped his good arm around Dean in what he hoped would be a reassuring hug. Dean tensed at first but soon melted into the hug, wrapped both arms around his little brother and held on tight – still mindful of Sam's injured shoulder though. Geez, Sam didn't feel like much more than skin and bones in Dean's arms, the older brother noticed with concern. What the hell had happened to his brother while Dean had been gone?
When they pulled back from the hug, Dean was taken aback by the pure love he saw in Sam's teary eyes, and the guilt for what he had put Sam through these past couple of months bubbled to the surface once more. His little brother looked broken, in more ways than one, and Dean wanted to fix it somehow – wanted to fix every single thing he had done wrong to Sam that had made him look so small and vulnerable.
"You okay?" Sam asked, squirming a bit under the scrutinizing look Dean gave him. "Can I get you anything?"
"Actually, I'm kinda hungry." Dean answered with a wry smile – although he wasn't sure if his stomach really did crave food as it was right now.
But it was at least one thing to focus on when his mind was one big chaos at the moment and when the guilt kept threatening to overpower him because of the things he knew he had done. And he needed.. God, Dean needed to put a smile on Sam's face right now. His little brother didn't look like he'd smiled in quite a while, and it was killing Dean to know that he was responsible for that.
Dean felt relieved when his efforts had the right effect as a smile slowly spread over Sam's face before ending up in a genuine laugh that had always felt like music to Dean's ears.
"You're hungry?" Sam asked with a shake of his head, smile lingering. "I guess you really are back."
"A man's gotta eat, right?" Dean said and smiled as well - fighting the urge to pull Sam into another hug as the younger man moved towards the door.
"I'll grab you something." Sam said, pulled down the doorknob with his left hand and then hesitated in the doorway for a few seconds before looking back at his brother. "I'm glad you're back, Dean."
Sam then left the room and closed the door behind him, and now that he was alone, Dean could no longer control the different emotions that rose to the surface – emotions he hadn't felt while being a demon and that now crashed down on him as if they'd been bottled up for too long and was finally released. He felt anger, sorrow, guilt and hopelessness from the terrible things he had done - however, he also felt happy and grateful for the fact that Sam hadn't abandoned him but had done what he had to do to get his big brother back. How long would it last before Sam packed up his things and left though? Was it even possible for Sam to forgive Dean for the things he'd said and done to him when Dean couldn't even forgive himself for it?
The oldest Winchester sat down on his bed once more and welcomed the tears that sprung to his eyes. God, how long had it been since he had last been capable of crying? Hell, how long had it been since he had even allowed himself to cry?
Dean rolled up his sleeve, eyed the Mark of Cain that was still imprinted on his arm and shook his head miserably. He feared that it would only be a matter of time before the mark would take him over once more and who knew if he was able to control himself this time? Who knew if he'd end up hurting Sam - again – while being powerless to stop himself from doing it? Human or not, the Mark of Cain had an effect on him and had previously proved that it was turning Dean into something he wasn't. Why would this time be any different?
The older Winchester brother caught sight of a load of books and scribbled notes on his table that had been a part of his research back when he'd first tried to figure out a way to get rid of the stupid mark. Dean needed something to do to take his mind off the things he couldn't do anything about right now, so he wiped his tears away and got up from the bed to collect the pile of research. He paused when he got there though, eyes falling upon the little stack of pictures that lay on top of it.
Dean brought it all with him back to his bed, sat down and put the research aside to look through the pictures first – pictures of his family; of his mom and dad, of Bobby.. and pictures of him and Sam. Dean was seconds away from bursting into tears once more while looking through the pictures, when a knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. He quickly hid the pictures, figured Sam was probably back with food for him, and was more than a little surprised when the door opened and Castiel was the one to enter his room.
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After Cas had left, Dean spent a while pondering over the conversation with the angel until he in the end fell asleep when he hadn't been able to keep his eyes open any longer. When he woke back up again, roughly two hours later, the older Winchester brother noticed a white take-out bag on the nightstand that he soon discovered contained a big bacon cheeseburger with extra onions and a side of fries. The food had turned cold which Dean assumed meant that Sam must have dropped it off in his room a while ago while Dean had been asleep, but where was the younger brother now?
"Kid probably has his nose buried in a book somewhere." Dean muttered to himself, stuffed his mouth with a handful of fries and took the take-out bag with him as he left the room.
Dean was feeling a lot better after his little nap – physically at least – and he was glad that he had food, because he sure was hungry now. He walked to the kitchen, took the burger out of the bag and placed it on a plate, before he put the plate into the microwave to heat it up a bit. Still wondering where Sam was, Dean went to the library - only to discover that Sam was nowhere to be found in there.
"Sam?" Dean called, stopped and listened for a few seconds for a reply that never came. "Sammy?"
The older Winchester brother then walked to Sam's room, knocked on the door and stuck his head inside but, once again, there was no sign of his little brother. For a moment Dean feared that Sam might just have decided to get as far away as possible from his brother after all, but was relieved a few minutes later when he walked down the corridors and finally caught sight of the younger brother. Sam was sitting on the floor in one of the corridors, back leaned against the tiled wall and a bottle of liquor in his hand - staring straight ahead of him at the opposite wall.
"Sam?" Dean asked as he walked closer to his brother.
"Hey Dean." Sam answered without turning his head, took a drop of the bottle and continued to stare at the wall.
"You okay?" Dean asked, then froze on the spot as he discovered what Sam was staring at.
On the opposite wall of where the youngest Winchester was seated, a hammer was impaled in the concrete – the very same hammer that Dean had used to almost bash in his brother's head with. Dean swallowed against the lump that formed in his throat and let himself slide down the wall until he was seated on the floor next to Sam, shoulder-to-shoulder and thigh-to-thigh.
"I tried to take it out but I couldn't do it with one arm only." Sam said, eyes locked on the hammer. "It's stuck, so I gave up."
Sam silently offered Dean the bottle, and the older brother gratefully accepted it before taking a big swig of it.
"I tried to kill you, Sammy." Dean said, handing the bottle back to Sam who drank of it again.
"But I'm still alive." Sam remarked.
"If Cas hadn't shown up when he did, you wouldn't be." Dean said.
"It wasn't you." Sam said in a soft, and rather slurred, voice. "You said the same thing to me when I did all those terrible things while being soulless. It wasn't you, Dean. None of it."
Dean let out a heavy sigh, closed his eyes and let his head come to a rest against the wall behind him. He then turned his head to eye his brother, really noticing how pale and thin Sam looked.
"What happened to your arm?" Dean asked as his eyes settled on the sling holding Sam's shoulder in place.
"Demon." Sam answered.
"Is it dead?" Dean wanted to know.
"Yeah." Sam said.
"Good." Dean replied and then turned his head again to stare at the hammer for a little while longer, before he got up from the floor and pulled the tool out of the wall.
The oldest Winchester looked at the hammer for a few moments. He remembered how it'd felt like to chase Sam down with it like some sick version of cat and mouse – remembered how it'd felt like to swing it at his little brother's head with the intention of killing.
Dean threw the hammer away with disgust – then turned his attention back to Sam who was still slumped against the wall, eyes half-closed and glassy.
"Come on." Dean said in a soft voice, took the bottle away from Sam and grabbed the younger man underneath the armpits to hoist him up. "Let's get you to bed."
Sam didn't protest as Dean pulled him to his feet, and the older brother quickly held on to Sam as the little brother swayed a bit. Dean guided Sam towards his room and helped him to bed where Sam immediately curled up as much as his 6´4" frame allowed him to do.
"Promise me you're not gone when I wake up again." Sam slurred out, eyes already falling shut.
"I promise, Sammy." Dean muttered in a gentle voice. "I'm not going anywhere."
He pulled off Sam's shoes and set them aside, once again noticing how exhausted and thin Sam looked.
"Have you been eating and sleeping at all while I was gone?" Dean scolded and then helped his half-sleeping, drunk little brother out of the sling that kept his arm secured to his chest – carefully lowering Sam's injured arm down to rest on the bed. "Hey, by the way, Cas suggested that I should take some time off before getting back to hunting, and I think it might be a good idea. What do you say, Sam? Time for a little R&R for us?"
But Sam was already asleep, so Dean gently tucked him in and turned off the lights before leaving Sam's room to go fetch his burger. Starting first thing in the morning, Dean would make sure that Sam got enough rest, was properly fed again and gave his broken shoulder enough time to heal back up – things that Dean was sure Sam hadn't allowed himself much of while he had been on his own. There were a lot of things Dean had done these past months that he didn't know how to fix, but if there was one thing Dean did know how to fix, it was his little brother. And quite frankly, that was all he needed.
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THE END.